Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Rewind and an invitation from D.G. Kaye and Sally to join in the fun.

We hope you won’t mind a few repeats today but we are still getting back to normal (or as normal as we will ever be) in our respective abodes.. But this from last year.. and we hope you will enjoy again.  Debby Gies D.G. Kaye Writer Blog  and I are very happy to keep finding new material to make you laugh but we are very happy if you would like to join in and share your humour too..

If you would like to share your favourite joke.. and get a plug in for your blog or books.. then email it to me at sally.cronin@moyhill.com (this is a family show!)

I have also found some book titles in the archives that might amuse you……

Anyway for those of you who made New Year’s Resolutions…………….

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK  Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Keep an eye open for D.G. Kaye’s new series for 2020

And here are some book titles you might consider for your next release from my archives…….

A Clifftop Tragedy  by Eileen Dover.

A Whole Lot of Cats  by Kitt N. Caboodle

Animal Scents by Farrah Mones

Cheating on His Wife by  Izzy Backyet

Confessions Of A Gold Digger by Emile Ticket

Yellow River by I.P.Daily,

Russian Lion Tamer by Claude Buttox

Carpet Laying by Walter Wall

Eating Garlic by Y.I Malone.

Pain and Sorrow by Ann Quish

The Insomniac by Eliza Wake

The Scent of a Man by Jim Nasium

Wait for me by Isa Cummin.

Willie Win by Betty Wont.

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Rewind – An invitation to join in the fun…from Debby Gies and Sally

We hope you won’t mind a few repeats today but we are still getting back to normal (or as normal as we will ever be) in our respective abodes.. But this from last year.. and we hope you will enjoy again.  Debby Gies D.G. Kaye Writer Blog  and I are very happy to keep finding new material to make you laugh but we are very happy if you would like to join in and share your humour too..

If you would like to share your favourite joke.. and get a plug in for your blog or books.. then email it to me at sally.cronin@moyhill.com (this is a family show!)

The phone rings at police headquarters.

‘Hello’

‘Hello is this the police?’

‘Yes, What do you want?’

‘I’m calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding heroin in his woodpile.’

The next day a squad of DEA agents arrive a Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, they chop every piece of wood apart but find no heroin. Furious they leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house.

‘Hey Tom, did the DEA come?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Did they chop your firewood?’

‘Yeah they did.’

‘Okay, now it’s your turn to call, I need my garden dug over.’

A door to door salesman knocked on a door of a well to do house in Wimbledon. ‘Good morning,’ he said. ‘Would you care to buy a copy of One Hundred Excuses To Give Your Wife for Staying Out Late?’

‘Why on earth would I want a book like that?’ said the enraged lady of the house.

‘Because,’ replied the salesman, ‘I sold a copy to your husband at his office this morning!’

Time for some more actual exam results from 16 year olds….

What is a vacuum?

Something my mum says I should do more often.

What is a vibration?

There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

Discuss the style of Romeo and Juliet.

It is written entirely in islamic pentameter. The play is full of heroic couplets, one example being Romeo and Juliet themselves.

Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

Thank you for dropping in and hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a poem from Sally.

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies that she has spotted that she thinks you would enjoy…..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here: The Travel Column with D.G. Kaye

and now my poem in tribute to the Turkey and leftovers from my archives.

The Leftovers by Sally Cronin

I opened the fridge this morning
To check on the state of the world,
I hoped to see that the turkey,
Was not all shrivelled and curled.

It peaked from its packet of foil,
Still juicy and raring to go
I shredded it into some sauce
With some shrooms and onions for show.

I took the spuds, carrots and peas
And slathered with butter and oil.
The brandy was down to the dregs,
I added and brought to the boil.

But what to do with the trifle
Still lush with custard and berry
Guess I shall just have to eat it
Topped with a schooner of sherry.

So if I sound a bit pickled
The leftovers carry the blame.
Since to throw good food in the bin
Would be a dire waste and a shame.

My waist has expanded to fit
All the goodies that have been served
But thankfully my beloved,
Likes his women rounded and curved!

We hope that you are leaving here with a smile on your face… thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G.Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

And please leave your answers in the comments… there are no prizes.. only applause…

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

Now time for a joke from my archives.

Roll out the barrel….

A woman wakes up at 4.30 in the night by some stumbling noise downstairs. She tries to wake up her husband, but the other side of the bed is empty. Rather scared she screams: “Who is that in our house?” To her relief it turns out that the cause of the noise is not a burglar, but her husband.

The noise continues for quite some time and the wife shouts: “What the hell are you doing down there?” The husband replies: “Oh nothing to worry about. I’m just trying to get a cask of beer up the stairs.” His wife gets pretty pissed off now and yells: “For the love of God, will you leave that down there.”

“I can’t”, the husband shouts back. “I drunk it.”

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face..and don’t forget to leave your name for that burger…thanks Debby and Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Resident Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s archives

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

And a joke from the archives.

All that glistens…..

A man comes home late at night and he is pretty smashed. His wife who was worried sick asks “Where the hell have you been?”

“The Golden Bar”, the man replies. “It’s an awesome place. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer of course and even a golden urinal.”

The wife is not convinced that her husband is telling the truth, so she looks up the Golden Bar in the phonebook and calls them up.

“Do you really have golden chairs at your bar?”
– Absolutely ma’am.

“And what about golden glasses?”
– Indeed we do.

“And golden beers?”
– Most certainly.

“And even a golden urinal?”
– Hold on a minute ma’am… Johnny, I think I have a lead on the guy who peed in your saxophone.”

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…thanks Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence – D.G. Kaye with a joke from Sally’s Archives

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Debby tells me they have had their first snows….

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

Now for that joke from my archives..

Hook, line and sinker…

As a man is walking down the street he sees an old man sitting on the pavement just outside a pub, a fishing hat decorated with hooks and colorful floats on his hat and a fishing rod in his hand. However there is no river or lake anywhere near and his fishing line ends in a puddle of muddy water on the other side of the street.

“Oh that poor soul”, the man thinks to himself and says: “Hello good man. Why don’t you let me invite you to a drink in that pub over there?” The old man agrees and they sit down for a beer.

Since the situation is pretty awkward the guy who invited the old man doesn’t really know how to break the silence, so he just orders another few rounds of drinks. Finally he has gathered the courage to ask the old man: “And? Are they biting?”

The old man puts on a smile and says he can’t complain. Surprised by this answer his companion asks: “Really? So how many have you caught today?”

The old man takes a large sip from his beer and replies: “Including you? That would be eight I believe.”

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s archives.

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now time for a joke from my archives…

Be careful what you wish for.

Here in Ireland the angel of death will visit you a couple of weeks before you pass over to find out where you would like to go. (I know bear with me).

Patrick was not well, and the worst was feared by his wife and family. He is lying in his hospital bed sleeping when there is a tap on his shoulder. He opens his eyes to see a brilliant white light and a splendid figure of a man with wings on his back. Startled into silence he lay petrified.

‘Don’t be afraid Patrick, I am the angel of death but tonight I have just come to show you your options for when you pass over. Tomorrow you will remember nothing about it.’

With that Patrick was whisked out of his bed and found himself sitting on a cloud with a harp to hand. The angel of death stood in front of him and pronounced solemnly.

‘Should you choose to come to heaven, you will be admitted, since your transgressions are small, and you are well thought of by family and friends.’ He paused dramatically. ‘ Being in heaven has its responsibilities. which include playing the harp from morning to night, abstaining from eating and drinking anything but holy water twice a day. and being on your knees for four hours every night saying your prayers.’

Patrick nodded in understanding and before he could blink he was whisked away to the darkest bowels of the earth to explore the alternative.

The angel pushed him though some large bright red gates and told him he would pick him up in half an hour. Patrick stood nervously looking around him. He was amazed at sights he had only imagined. There was a massive hotel with swimming pool surrounded by beautiful women in bikinis, one of whom came over and put her arm through his. Utterly speechless he allowed himself to be led into the hotel where there were men laughing and drinking at the bar, a snooker table and large flat screen television. Feeling slightly hot under the collar, his tour continued through luxury bedrooms, and a dining room with a buffet laden with the most delicious foods. His guide deposited back at the gate and winking at him as she handed him over to the angel of death.

The next morning Patrick woke feeling a touch feverish and in a state of excitement. He could not remember exactly what happened but he felt at peace. Two weeks later he passed away and as promised the angel of death arrived to take him to his chosen destination, reminding him of his options. Patrick had no hesitation in declaring that he would like to spend eternity in hell.

Disappointed the angel left him at the gates of this den of iniquity and they opened to admit him. He had to admit that it was not quite the scene that he had encountered on his previous visit, and a rather old hag was waiting for him, escorting him through a large steel door.

On the other side was the worst possible sight you can imagine.. men and women were up to their waists in horse manure and were busily shoveling it into piles by great big furnaces. A large, half naked man with a whip crossed over to him and handed him a shovel. Patrick was mortified and turned around to go back to the gates and tell the angel of death he had changed his mind.

‘Where do you think you are going Patrick O’Hagan?’ A booming voice rang out behind him. He turned to see the devil dressed in red and black with a flaming trident in one hand.

‘There must be some mistake,’ Patrick muttered. ‘When I was here last time there was a beautiful hotel, bikini clad women and a bar with wonderful food and drink.’

The Devil laughed and beckoned Patrick back towards the dung heaps. ‘That was marketing my friend, now you are a customer.’

We hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks for dropping in… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Headline news ..and the Cake Bake Sale

 

Church bake sale….

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies’ group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom — a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn’t imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? “Oh, my,” she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP ‘d she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice’s horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “GOD is good.”

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….please pass it on.. thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Resident comedian D.G. Kaye and some more one liners from Sally’s archives

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s monthly Travel Column here on Smorgasbord: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

And a few one liners from Sally’s archives..

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about antigravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro… What a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One liners interrupted by comedic images….

Some more one liners I have come across in my travels and some comedic images….

My father offered me the benefit of his experience when I was younger. ‘Never do anything you will regret later in life’. I thought this was such a great piece of advice I had it tattooed on my forehead.

How do you keep your husband from reading your emails? Put them in a folder marked ‘Instruction manuals.

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? No-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

I tried to order some tennis balls online last night but the site kept crashing. They must have had a problem with their server.

Experts say that coffee is bad for you, sugar is bad for you, chocolate is bad for you and fat is bad for you. But don’t worry, that’s bad for you too.

Woman patient.’I seem to get fat just in certain places, Doctor, what should I do?’  Doctor: ‘Stay out of certain places.’

I think hitchhikers are really friendly, I have passed five in the last hour and they all gave me a thumbs up.

Teacher. ‘Why are you crying Mary?’  Mary. ‘Because my new sneakers hurt.’ Teacher. ‘That’s because you’ve put them on the wrong feet.’ Mary. ‘Well they’re the only feet I have…’

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. tune in again next Tuesday… thanks Sally.