Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and some jokes from Sally’s Archives Episode 12

Posted on May 21, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now something from my archives..

Window Shopping..

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”

Chicken shopping

The woman walked into the butchers and selected a chicken. She prodded and poked it. Lifted one wing and sniffed beneath it. Lifted the other wing and did the same thing. Finally she looked at the chicken’s rear end and gave it another sniff.

‘This chicken is not fresh,’ she declared.

‘Lady,’ said the shopkeeper, ‘do you think you could pass the same test?’

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and some snippets from Sally’s Archives Episode 11

Posted on May 16, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And for some more snippets from the archives.

All the world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
.I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
.I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Quoting one is plagiarism…quoting many is research.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.
I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Thank you for joining us today.. donations gratefully received in the form of shares…thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and Jokes from Sally’s archives Episode 10..

Posted on May 14, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for a joke or two from my archives…

God and Eve, for the Girls.

“ God I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem Eve?”

“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“And why is that Eve?” “God I am lonely and bored and I am sick to death of apples!”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution, I shall create a man for you.”

“Man, what is that God?”

“A flawed, base, creature with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain. He will be witless and will revel in childish things. He will be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting and killing things. He won’t be too smart, so he will need your advice to think properly. He will have very limited emotional capacity and will need to be trained. But, since you have been complaining, he will be able to satisfy your every physical need and you will never be bored again.

“Sounds great.” Says Eve with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch, God?”

“Well you can have him on one condition.”

“And what is that God?”

As I said, he will be very proud and arrogant and egotistical – so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman.

And some snippets...

1.Experience is a wonderful thing – it enables you to recognize a mistake when
you make it again.

2.After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history.

3.Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

4.Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?

5.I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

6.If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Thank you for joining us today.. donations gratefully received in the form of shares…thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives.

Posted on May 9, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for a joke or two from my archives…

An Ostrich walks into a restaurant…….

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

“That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says he man

“Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress… “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Thank you for joining us today.. and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…..

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives.

Posted on May 7, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for a joke or two from my archives…

Private Investigators.

A high flying investment banker from the City fell in love with a model and spent several weeks wining and dining her in the best restaurants in town. He realised that he was falling in love with her, but with his substantial bank account, and standing within the financial district at possible risk, he decided to ask a private investigator to look into her background.

About a month later he received a glowing report, declaring that the lady in question had led a scandal free existence and in fact was well known for her philanthropy, care of her family and stance against drugs, drink and promiscuity. There was however an additional note. It had come to the attention of the investigator that in recent months, she had been seen around town with a city financial expert of dubious reputation.

A Gorilla walks into a bar....

A bartender was astonished when a gorilla walked into his bar and asked for a whisky and water, no ice. He could not think of a reason not to serve the animal especially when it was holding out a twenty dollar bill when he returned with the drink. He headed for the cash register and decided to pull a fast one and returned with just a dollar change which the gorilla took and placed on the bar.

Finally, unable to resist, the bartender asked ‘We don’t get many gorillas in here.’

The gorilla looked at him,’ at 19 bucks a drink, I’m not surprised!’

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s archives

Posted on April 30, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

First Debby Gies share some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for supplying the visuals today.. please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for a joke or two from my archives….

Polish Eyetest.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

Home Depot Lost and Found.

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little worried.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours

We hope you are leaving with a lighter look on life… thanks for dropping by..

The Chuckle Sisters!

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Next time you complain about your job!! And a joke from the archives.

Posted on March 26, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

We all have days when our jobs get us down, but some people have it far worse….

And a joke from the archives….on the subject of jobs…

Salesmanship

Sid was told if he did not sell more toothbrushes he would be fired. One month later his sales record had soared and his manager called him in to explain the dramatic turnaround.

Sid explained that he had got tired of calling at pharmacies and had set up a little stall at the main train station with some crackers and a new dip.

‘Try my dip,’ he would say, and a constant stream of people did so. When they enquired about the ingredients of the dip, Sid told them: ‘Garlic and Chicken poop!’

They would go ‘Aaaargh!’ and spit it out.

Then Sid would say: ‘Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’

Thanks for dropping in today and I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G.Kaye and a joke from my archives

Posted on March 14, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

Debby Gies has been scanning the airwaves for funnies… here are some more that she has come across.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for a joke from my archives……

An Old Ranchers advice

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen, anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin ‘.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

We hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…. thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from my archives.

Posted on February 26, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

Debby Gies is still on vacation in sunny Mexico until the end of February, but she is keen that you should not be lacking in funnies whilst she is away, so she has forwarded a batch to me to share with you. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding more funnies to keep us entertained….Do check out her books.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for a joke from my archives……

Watch out for ducks.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and, although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall with long eyelashes and very muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally and Debby.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – The thrill of the chase and senior dating ads..

Posted on February 21, 2019 by Smorgasbord - Variety is the Spice of Life.

If the week is dragging a little, then hopefully the following will lift your spirits…..

And I will leave you with a joke from the archives….

Dating Ads for Seniors, found in The Villages,
the Newspaper of a Florida Senior Retirement Community

FOX
Fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. —————————————————-

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. —————————————————-

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
—————————————————-

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
—————————————————-

BEATLES OR STONES
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
—————————————————-

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

AND FINALLY…

A lady and gentleman in The Villages are sitting on benches opposite each other.

Lady: Are you new to the community?

Gentleman: No, I have owned a condo here for 20 years.

Lady: I have been here for 15 years, and I have never seen you around.

Gentleman: I have been in prison for the last 17 years!

She was stunned but finally asked him what he had done.

Gentleman: I murdered my first wife!

She was stunned again, but after a long pause . . .

Lady: So, you’re SINGLE?

I hope that this has cheered you up and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally.