Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives

Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a joke or two..

Thanks again Debby you are hired…...

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for one of the jokes from my archives

Women versus Men . .

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. They were asked the following questions:

1. “How many of you love your husband?”

All of them raised their hands.

2. “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some said today, a few said yesterday, and others couldn’t remember.

They were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husbands: “I love you, sweetheart.”

They were then instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the message each received in response to their message.

Below are the replies. Do your best to keep a straight face! Or not!

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Thanks for joining us today and if you enjoyed yourself, why not spread the laughter around.. thanks Sally

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Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Heaven’s Above.. Time to look on the bright side of life.

Time to look on the bright side of life….

I hope that you are leaving with a smile on your face. Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian.. D.G. Kaye – Debby Gies

I have been busy this week with offline and online projects so I asked Debby Gies to track down some funnies for you and I have tacked a joke on at the end…I felt I should do something at least!!

I feel this next one is very personal for Debby.. who flies south for the winter every year!!

 

And I rifled through my archives and have selected this little story, which I think about everytime I am on a plane..wondering if I have the nerve to lay claim to this lady’s occupation and see the reaction!!! Perhaps not…

A man seated next to a beautiful woman on a plane. Eager to start a conversation, he asks

“Business trip or holiday?”

She smiles dazzlingly and tells him.” Business, I’m on my way to the annual nymphomaniac conference in New York”

Trying to stay cool, the man asks “What’s your role at the conference?”

Lecturer, she says, I use my experience to debunk some of the myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” the man asks. And what are those?

The beautiful woman explains “One is that African men are the well-endowed, when in fact it is the American Indian. Another is that French men are the best lovers when actually it’s the Greeks and I have also found the men most likely to impress in both categories are the Irish”.

“Blushing she added I’m sorry I shouldn’t be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name”.

“Tonto” the man replied. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s selection and my thanks go to Debby for helping keep the supply coming… in the unlikely event that you do not know Debby Gies or D.G. Kaye.. then here are some links to contact her and buy her books.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Halloween Special…

Thanks to my co-conspirators for sharing these around the usual haunts  (It is Halloween)… and special thanks to hawkeye non-fiction and memoir author D.G. Kaye.. Debby Gies

Please drop in for the Halloween party here tomorrow as it a chance for you to promote your blog or books. There are over 20 guests in costume.. and some in their best party clothes.. 007 will be dropping in as will Jane Austen. I hope you have enjoyed today’s funnies and will leave with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Politics to acupuncture and every pressure point inbetween!

Because I accidentally let loose today’s laughter lines on Tuesday as a double feature…… you get an extra post this week. With some donations from friends who have spotted stuff on Facebook or images that have crossed my path during the week.

My thanks to non-fiction and memoir author D.G. Kaye.. Debby Gies and she gets the Eagle Eye award this week for spotting some excellent funnies.

and thanks to charity fundraiser Paul Smith

and to urban fantasy writer Marcia Meara

And crime writer Sue Coletta

My thanks to the contributors today.. and I hope that you have enjoyed… Keep laughing .. Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Images to make you #Smile and #Memory Games

Memory Games

What was its name?

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.”

“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

Passion.

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officer’s arm is “You’re Passionate”.

They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm “You’re passionate”.

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, “Look we have driven around this City for two hours, and you still haven’t told us where you live.

She replied I keep trying to tell you: “You’re Passin It!”

I hope this has left you with a smile on your face and please feel free to pass it on…thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Images to make you smile – That certain look

The secret to a long marriage… Give and Take.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”

I hope you have enjoyed today’s selection and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Laughter Lines – New Careers, Zoo visits and One Liners.

Welcome to Thursday’s laughter lines and I hope these stories will bring sunshine to your day.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Not wanting to waste his skill and dexterity he decided to retrain as a mechanic.

He signed up for classes a the local technical college and discovered he had a real flair for the detailed work involved. He applied himself diligently and as the final exams approached he practiced night and day.

As the results of the exams were posted, he was amazed to see that he had been awarded 150% and thought there might have been an error. He sought out his instructor to ask him why.

His teacher explained that he had taken the engine apart perfectly and that was worth 50%.. he had also put it back together perfectly which was another 50%.

He paused for a moment. ” I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler. Which I have never seen done in my entire career.

A police officer stops a motorist and is startled to find he has a dozen penguins on the back seat.

‘You shouldn’t be driving around with penguins like that,’ he tells the man.

‘Take them to the zoo.’

The man tells the policeman that he will do go and do that immediately and drives off.

The next day, however, the policeman stops the same motorist and is annoyed to find that there is still a dozen penguins on the back seat.

‘I thought you said you would take these birds to the zoo yesterday as I ordered you to.’

The man nods his head. ‘I did. And today I am taking them to the movies.’

Some one liners…

• Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
• Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
• I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
• A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
• My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
• I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
• A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
• Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.
• A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”
• A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

I hope that you have enjoyed these funnies and please feel free to pass them on.. thanks Sally