Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 10th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Language and Wonder Diet

Debby Gies has been foraging on the internet for funnies to share and I have a joke or two up my sleeve.

  

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord July 2021 – The Universe Brings Us Kindred Spirits

Now something from Sally – A little elderly humour

Road safety!

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

Being in charge!

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

The wonder diet!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six,” he said.

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – August 3rd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Television and Alligators

Debby Gies has been foraging on the internet for funnies to share and I have a joke or two up my sleeve.

  

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord July 2021 – The Universe Brings Us Kindred Spirits

Now something from Sally

Being a maid.

There is a story about Dorothy Parker, the American author, whose maid handed in her notice after finding a live alligator in the bath one morning. Her note stated ‘I cannot work in a house where there is an alligator in the bath. I would have mentioned this when I took the job, but I didn’t think the issue would come up!’

Never miss an opportunity?

An elderly lady was introduced to a doctor at a dinner party and immediately struck up a conversation. ‘I wonder if I could ask you a question? I have been getting these pains in my side and up my right leg as well what do you think might be the problem?’

‘I’m sorry but I’m not that kind of doctor.. I am a Doctor of Economics.

‘Oh I see,’ said the lady, ‘Well, in that case should I sell my British telecom shares.’

 

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Update – July 25th – 31st 2021 – Billy Joel, Short Stories, Poetry, Book Reviews, Pet and Human Health, Funnies

Welcome to the round up of posts you might have missed this week on Smorgasbord.

Another week flown by and the summer is half way through in the Northern Hemisphere anyway. Nothing much to report from HQ.. my laptop that I use for the podcast in my mini-studio blew a gasket on Friday…the hard drive failed but the in house technical department has the matter in hand and I should be adding some new posts to the podcast again soon.. I do have some already pre-recorded which I will filter through in the meantime.

Thanks to William Price King for his selections for the Breakfast Show this week and Debby Gies and Malcolm Allen for their funnies. Debby has been whizzing around blogworld this week and a special thank you for all the posts she has shared this week around the usual haunts.

My thanks to you as well for all the lovely comments and shares this week of the posts, it is appreciated and keeps me motivated.. Have a lovely weekend…Sally

Chart Hits 1974 Part Two – Elton John, The Hues, The Hollies, Billy Joel.

What’s in a Name? Volume One – What’s in a Name?- Francis – Forging New Bonds by Sally Cronin

Tales from the Spanish Garden – Special story – Mollie (The Duchess) Coleman – by Sally Cronin

New Review – Balroop Singh – #Poetry Slivers: Chiseled Poetry

Book Reviews Rewind – #Paranormal #Romance – Ghostly Interference: (White Rune Series Book 1) by Jan Sikes.

Book Reviews Rewind – #YA – Amanda in Malta: The Sleeping Lady (An Amanda Travels Adventure Book 8) by Darlene foster

Etheree – Peaks by Sally Cronin

Some Health Hacks for everyday niggles such as Pins and Needles by Sally Cronin

The Kidneys and Urinary Tract – Urinary Tract infections by Sally Cronin

Ticks – What, When and How to remove safely

Grazzi hafna from Sally aged seven to the old Prickly Pear farmer and his donkey #Influencers Sally Cronin

Smorgasbord Podcast – Who are you writing your book for?

Smorgasbord Coffee Morning – Bring a Guest – Authors Darlene Foster and Nancy Blodgett Klein

Conversational Italian for Travelers: Just the Important Phrases (with Restaurant Vocabulary and Idiomatic Expressions) by Kathryn Occhipinti

New Book on the Shelves – Existing Creatures Living Dragons by Leyla Cardena

#Reviews – #Poetry Balroop Singh, #YAFantasy M. J. Mallon, #Romance Jacquie Biggar

Cafe Update – #Reviews – #Family James J. Cudney, #Paranormal John W. Howell, #WW2 #Russia Marina Osipova

– #Reviews – #CrimeThriller Carol Balawyder, #Poetry Victoria Zigler, #Family Lisette Brodey

Wednesday July 28th 2021 – #WriterLinks D.G. Kaye, #Poetry Robbie Cheadle, #Reviews D.Wallace Peach, #Finances Jim Borden

Thursday July 29th 2021 – #Olympics Pete Springer, #Patchwork Jennie Fitzkee, #Research Jacqui Murray

July 27th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Shoes and Bricks

July 29th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Dogs and Tact

July 30th 2021 – Malcolm Allen – Zoom Meetings and Restaurants

 

Thank you very much for dropping in and I hope you will join me again next week.. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – July 9th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Brooms and Coffins

Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

And to finish up…

The Coffin….

A man walking home from the pub hears a thump…………. thump……………thump behind him he turns around and sees a coffin following him down the street

He thinks I want nothing to do with that so he starts to walk faster then he hears thump……. thump……. thump the coffin going faster so he starts to run when he hears thump, thump, thump the coffin also running.

He gets to his front door and is panicking to get the key in the lock as the coffin’s coming, finally he gets the key in the lock opens the door slams it shut locking and bolting it he sits down wondering what’s going on.

Then there’s an almighty crash the coffin comes through the front door knocking it off his hinges and stands there in the doorway, the guy dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs into the bathroom, and locks the bathroom door.

Next, he hears thump thump thump of the coffin coming up the stairs, the coffin reaches the top, launches itself against the bathroom door smashing it off its hinges, and stands in the doorway & the guy is trapped.

The coffin starts coming towards him, panicking he starts picking things off the bathroom shelves and throwing them at the coffin. First, he throws a can of Gillette shaving foam but the coffin keeps coming towards him next he throws a bar of Imperial leather soap but the coffin keeps coming towards him then he throws a bottle of Venos cough medicine at the coffin and the coffin stops!

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A recent review for The Story That Had no Beginning

Feb 23, 2021 Roberta Cheadle rated it five stars

This book is an interesting and complex story about twins, Tom and Alice Collins, who enter the foster care system at a young age and are raised separately. The book starts with Alicia Collinson, aka Alice Collins, and her sophisticated boyfriend hosting two friends for a dinner party. Unknow to the dinner participants, the ghost of her brother Tom, known as Bobby Brown among his peer group, is also in attendance. It is obvious from the start that Alicia is a woman of good financial circumstances who mingles with the elite of London’s society. It also becomes evident quite early on, that Tom’s life has followed a very divergent path and he was a member of the mafia-styled criminal class.

The book follows the paths of the twins and how they come to end up in their different circumstances and lifestyles. Alicia is a well-know and talented photographer who owns her own home in London and has plenty of money. Tom has money, albeit ill gotten, but he dies the death of a criminal.

Tom is a conflicting character as he is a man involved in high class prostitution and other shady and illegal dealings. Despite being a seasoned criminal, his narration of the story reveals a different side to his character. One that questions the life he lived and celebrates the good fortune and success achieved by his sister.

Alice or Alicia has the great good luck to become the protegee of a wealthy single woman with no children who effectively adopts her and sets her on the road to success in her chosen field of photography. Unknown to the naïve Alicia, her benefactor isn’t everything she appears to be and some of the people she socialises with are infamous for their continuous promiscuous behaviour with the same, or the opposite, sex. In a contrast to her brother, Tom, who is in the centre of the debaucherous lifestyles led by the wealthy upper classes of London, Alicia hovers around the edges, not realising what is right in front of her.

The author has an in-depth knowledge of the illicit behaviour of the British upper class and paints a detailed picture of how greed, selfishness and a complete disregard for the values and ethics of society lead to the downfall of people.

This book will make you question what success is all about and whether it leads to contentment as the stories of the many characters unfold. This is thought provoking tale as despite the huge difference in the siblings financial and social positions, both of them end up with money but neither of them have good reliable partners or simply and happy lives.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – April 30th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Onions and other Favourite Things

Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad. –

Plus as a special –  two of Danny’s books are FREE until 5th May – links at the bottom of the funnies.

And to finish up…

Julie Andrews Turning 84-this is hysterical!

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was My Favorite Things from the legendary movie ‘Sound Of Music’. Here are the lyrics she used:

(Sing It!) – If you sing it, it’s especially hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains, and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews’ clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it.)

 

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

One of the reviews for A Covenant of Spies

Brian Kitchen 5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent spy novel.  Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 5 January 2020

Daniel Kemp has written another excellent spy novel about Patrick West, the chairman of the British Joint Intelligence Committee. In this novel Patrick is attempting to unravel a web of deceit centred around Nikita Kudashov, an intelligence operative, who wants West to extract his grand-daughter from Moscow.

As West delves deeper into Kudashov’s history, he finds links to operations he took part in himself back in the 1980s and a trail that leads to an old enemy and also involves the Machiavellian machinations of his old boss Dickie Blythe-Smith.

I won’t spoil the plot for readers, but I was engrossed by the story and really enjoyed it. I enjoy reading the novels of John le Carré, Len Deighton and Graham Green and think this novel would appeal to readers who also like those writers.  

FREE until May 5th

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – April 22nd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Stress Test and Cheap Cow

Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks.

  If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

Discerning film goer

A couple go to a movie and find that a few seats to their right is a man and his dog. The dog seemed well behaved enough so they didn’t call an usher to complain. They watch the movie and notice that during the action scenes, the dog is on the edge of his seat, watching intently. During the the happy scenes, the dog wagged his tail happily. In the sad scenes, the dog would whimper. And in the scary scenes, the dog hid under the seat. When the movie was over, the couple approached the dog owner. The wife said “We can’t believe how much your dog enjoyed the movie.” The dog’s owner replied “Me either. He didn’t like the book.”

Cheap cow...

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”

 

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Mid-week boost – Minimum Wage and Amazon Reviews…

I have been spring cleaning my files on my computer and have turned up some funnies that have been forwarded over the years from family (Diana)  and friends… . I hope you enjoy this as a midweek boost.

 

 

Thanks for dropping in and I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Mid-week boost – More humour from the family… Shadows and Full time job

My sister Diana receives a regular supply of funnies passed along by friends and they end up in my inbox.. I hope you enjoy this as a midweek boost.

 

Thanks for joining us and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Mid-week boost – More humour from the family….Ketchup and Catfish

My sister Diana receives a regular supply of funnies passed along by friends and they end up in my inbox.. I hope you enjoy this as a midweek boost.

Thanks for joining us and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – March 9th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Casinos and Grammar one-liners

Welcome to laughter lines with some fun from around the web from Debby Gies and a joke or two to make you smile from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

Some Book titles before the editing team got hold of them!

The Grapes of Exasperation
50 Penumbras of Silvery-Ash
An Adieu to Limbs
The Supremo of the Circlets

And a few grammar one-liners (cringe!)

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Q: Why should you never date an apostrophe?
A: They’re too possessive

Q: What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labour and started shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?
She was having contractions

Q: What happened when the verb asked the noun to conjugate?
A: The noun declined.

I invented a new word! Plagiarism.

Never leave alphabet soup on the stove and then go out.
It could spell disaster.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

Q: What should you say to comfort a grammar nazi?
A: “There, their, they’re.”

When I was a kid, my teacher looked my way and said, “Name two pronouns.”
I said, “Who, me?”

I before e… except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

“Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.” —Anonymous.

 

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.