Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence – D.G. Kaye with a joke from Sally’s Archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Debby tells me they have had their first snows….

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

Now for that joke from my archives..

Hook, line and sinker…

As a man is walking down the street he sees an old man sitting on the pavement just outside a pub, a fishing hat decorated with hooks and colorful floats on his hat and a fishing rod in his hand. However there is no river or lake anywhere near and his fishing line ends in a puddle of muddy water on the other side of the street.

“Oh that poor soul”, the man thinks to himself and says: “Hello good man. Why don’t you let me invite you to a drink in that pub over there?” The old man agrees and they sit down for a beer.

Since the situation is pretty awkward the guy who invited the old man doesn’t really know how to break the silence, so he just orders another few rounds of drinks. Finally he has gathered the courage to ask the old man: “And? Are they biting?”

The old man puts on a smile and says he can’t complain. Surprised by this answer his companion asks: “Really? So how many have you caught today?”

The old man takes a large sip from his beer and replies: “Including you? That would be eight I believe.”

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s archives.


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now time for a joke from my archives…

Be careful what you wish for.

Here in Ireland the angel of death will visit you a couple of weeks before you pass over to find out where you would like to go. (I know bear with me).

Patrick was not well, and the worst was feared by his wife and family. He is lying in his hospital bed sleeping when there is a tap on his shoulder. He opens his eyes to see a brilliant white light and a splendid figure of a man with wings on his back. Startled into silence he lay petrified.

‘Don’t be afraid Patrick, I am the angel of death but tonight I have just come to show you your options for when you pass over. Tomorrow you will remember nothing about it.’

With that Patrick was whisked out of his bed and found himself sitting on a cloud with a harp to hand. The angel of death stood in front of him and pronounced solemnly.

‘Should you choose to come to heaven, you will be admitted, since your transgressions are small, and you are well thought of by family and friends.’ He paused dramatically. ‘ Being in heaven has its responsibilities. which include playing the harp from morning to night, abstaining from eating and drinking anything but holy water twice a day. and being on your knees for four hours every night saying your prayers.’

Patrick nodded in understanding and before he could blink he was whisked away to the darkest bowels of the earth to explore the alternative.

The angel pushed him though some large bright red gates and told him he would pick him up in half an hour. Patrick stood nervously looking around him. He was amazed at sights he had only imagined. There was a massive hotel with swimming pool surrounded by beautiful women in bikinis, one of whom came over and put her arm through his. Utterly speechless he allowed himself to be led into the hotel where there were men laughing and drinking at the bar, a snooker table and large flat screen television. Feeling slightly hot under the collar, his tour continued through luxury bedrooms, and a dining room with a buffet laden with the most delicious foods. His guide deposited back at the gate and winking at him as she handed him over to the angel of death.

The next morning Patrick woke feeling a touch feverish and in a state of excitement. He could not remember exactly what happened but he felt at peace. Two weeks later he passed away and as promised the angel of death arrived to take him to his chosen destination, reminding him of his options. Patrick had no hesitation in declaring that he would like to spend eternity in hell.

Disappointed the angel left him at the gates of this den of iniquity and they opened to admit him. He had to admit that it was not quite the scene that he had encountered on his previous visit, and a rather old hag was waiting for him, escorting him through a large steel door.

On the other side was the worst possible sight you can imagine.. men and women were up to their waists in horse manure and were busily shoveling it into piles by great big furnaces. A large, half naked man with a whip crossed over to him and handed him a shovel. Patrick was mortified and turned around to go back to the gates and tell the angel of death he had changed his mind.

‘Where do you think you are going Patrick O’Hagan?’ A booming voice rang out behind him. He turned to see the devil dressed in red and black with a flaming trident in one hand.

‘There must be some mistake,’ Patrick muttered. ‘When I was here last time there was a beautiful hotel, bikini clad women and a bar with wonderful food and drink.’

The Devil laughed and beckoned Patrick back towards the dung heaps. ‘That was marketing my friend, now you are a customer.’

We hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks for dropping in… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Headline news ..and the Cake Bake Sale


 

Church bake sale….

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies’ group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom — a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn’t imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? “Oh, my,” she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP ‘d she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice’s horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “GOD is good.”

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….please pass it on.. thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Resident comedian D.G. Kaye and some more one liners from Sally’s archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s monthly Travel Column here on Smorgasbord: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

And a few one liners from Sally’s archives..

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about antigravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro… What a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One liners interrupted by comedic images….


Some more one liners I have come across in my travels and some comedic images….

My father offered me the benefit of his experience when I was younger. ‘Never do anything you will regret later in life’. I thought this was such a great piece of advice I had it tattooed on my forehead.

How do you keep your husband from reading your emails? Put them in a folder marked ‘Instruction manuals.

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? No-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

I tried to order some tennis balls online last night but the site kept crashing. They must have had a problem with their server.

Experts say that coffee is bad for you, sugar is bad for you, chocolate is bad for you and fat is bad for you. But don’t worry, that’s bad for you too.

Woman patient.’I seem to get fat just in certain places, Doctor, what should I do?’  Doctor: ‘Stay out of certain places.’

I think hitchhikers are really friendly, I have passed five in the last hour and they all gave me a thumbs up.

Teacher. ‘Why are you crying Mary?’  Mary. ‘Because my new sneakers hurt.’ Teacher. ‘That’s because you’ve put them on the wrong feet.’ Mary. ‘Well they’re the only feet I have…’

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. tune in again next Tuesday… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Spiders, Asthma, Eyesight and Chihuahuas….amongst other things.


Some oldies sprinkled with a few funny images…

Doctors and golden oldies……

On his morning rounds the doctor called in to a little old lady that he was treating for asthma… Having checked her over, he asked a few questions and listened to her croaky replies.

‘What about the wheeze?’ he asked.

‘Oh fine,’ she replied. ‘I went three times last night!’

Sex Drive…

An older gentleman in his 70s was concerned about his sex drive and went to his doctor.

‘Well not too unexpected at your age.’ said the doctor.

The patient was still concerned. ‘But my neighbour is over 80 and says that he makes love every night.’

The doctor thought for a moment. ‘Well why don’t you say that too?’

Eyesight….

The parish priest was a welcome visitor for short-sighted Mrs. Evans and after he had left one day she commented to her daughter how kind he was.

‘But that wasn’t the priest mum that was the doctor.’

‘Oh was it?’ Mrs Evans exclaimed with relief, ‘I thought Father O’Malley was getting a bit familiar!’

 

Gotta love those nuts….

 

A young social worker on her weekly visit to Bert, cut up his steak and watched whilst he ate his lunch. She noticed a bowl of almonds beside his tray.

‘They were given me as a gift, but I don’t want them,’ he explained. ‘You can have them if you like.’

She said thanks and sat there and finished the bowl.

‘Funny present to give a man with no teeth,’ she remarked.

‘Oh no,’ he said. ‘They had chocolate on them then.’

 

Say what?

Miss Smythe was miffed… Her pet a Chihuahua was consistently second in dog shows throughout the country… One day she decided to investigate by asking the judges why this was happening. It was explained to her that the true Chihuahua breed had smooth coats and her dog, despite being perfect in every other way, had a shaggy coat.

Miss Smythe decided to take action and popped into a local pharmacist to buy some hair remover.

The chemist handed her the latest product. ‘When you slap this on, it’s best to keep your arms up for two or three minutes,’ he said.

‘Oh it’s not for my underarms, it’s for my Chihuahua,’ she explained.

‘In that case,’ said the chemist, ‘don’t ride a bike for 30 minutes.’

I hope that you are leaving with a smile on your face…. tune in again on Thursday for more.. Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke or two from Sally’s archives.


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s monthly Travel Column here on Smorgasbord: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

Now time for a joke or two from my archives…

Paternity

The old man was dying and he called his wife and family to his bedside. There were four sons – three fine, big boys and a scrawny one. He said to his wife in a weak voice, ‘Don’t lie to me now – I want to know the truth. The skinny boy – is he really mine?’

‘Oh, yes, dear,’ said his wife. ‘He really is – I give you my word of honour.’

The old man smiled and slipped away peacefully. With a sigh of relief the widow muttered, ‘Thank goodness he didn’t ask me about the other three!’

Catholic Church Renovations

Elder priest to young priest: “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded as the elder priest continued: “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock n’ roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” replied the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elder priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elder priest, “and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell” cannot stay on the church roof.”

We hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…why not let us know….thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives.


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s monthly Travel Column here on Smorgasbord: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

And now time for a joke from my archives….

Don’t mess with blondes…

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now time for a joke from my archives….

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.

Thank you for joining us today and we hope you are leaving in a more jovial mood than when you arrived.. Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives.


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now something from my archives.. The Pilot’s “Gripe Sheet”….

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid S: #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what they’re for

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Debby and Sally.