Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from my archives.


Debby Gies is still on vacation in sunny Mexico until the end of February, but she is keen that you should not be lacking in funnies whilst she is away, so she has forwarded a batch to me to share with you. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding more funnies to keep us entertained….Do check out her books.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.comGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for a joke from my archives……

Watch out for ducks.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and, although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall with long eyelashes and very muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally and Debby.

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Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – The thrill of the chase and senior dating ads..


If the week is dragging a little, then hopefully the following will lift your spirits…..

And I will leave you with a joke from the archives….

Dating Ads for Seniors, found in The Villages,
the Newspaper of a Florida Senior Retirement Community

FOX
Fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. —————————————————-

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. —————————————————-

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
—————————————————-

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
—————————————————-

BEATLES OR STONES
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
—————————————————-

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.


AND FINALLY…

A lady and gentleman in The Villages are sitting on benches opposite each other.

Lady: Are you new to the community?

Gentleman: No, I have owned a condo here for 20 years.

Lady: I have been here for 15 years, and I have never seen you around.

Gentleman: I have been in prison for the last 17 years!

She was stunned but finally asked him what he had done.

Gentleman: I murdered my first wife!

She was stunned again, but after a long pause . . .

Lady: So, you’re SINGLE?

I hope that this has cheered you up and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Some funnies and Things Kids Say!


Now for that joke…..Things Kids Say.

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”

*****

The Sunday School Teacher asked, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”

*****

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, “Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

*****

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting! here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

*****

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the
pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

*****

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me!” “Pray for me!”

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face, feel free to pass these along.. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Some facts of life and a joke from the archives.


I have delved into the archives of images to find some you might have missed, since they go back to 2013…

And now for that joke…

Farmer Smith had plenty of hens, but no rooster, so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve this great rooster, named Rudy . He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.” Well, Rudy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys him and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, “Rudy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. “So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Rudy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Rudy took off like a shot. WHAM! He has every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Rudy is in there. Later, the farmer sees him after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He has his way with all the geese. By sunset he sees Rudy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Rudy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Rudy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.” Rudy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “SHHHH, they’re getting closer…”

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… more funnies on Thursday… please feel free to pass along. Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and jokes from the archives


Debby Gies is still on vacation in sunny Mexico, but she is keen that you should not be lacking in funnies whilst she is away, so she has forwarded a batch to me to share with you. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

And I have been rifling through the archives to find some jokes to share..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.comGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for some quickies from my archives

On an old maid’s tombstone:
‘Who said you can’t take it with you?’

*****

My wife does bird imitations: She watches me like a hawk.

*****

What’s the difference between a canary with two wings and a canary with one?
A difference of a pinion.

*****

Man cannot live on bread alone… He needs a bit of crumpet!

*****

Acupuncture fees in China are so cheap it is called pin money.

*****

In court last week a clairvoyant sued for divorce on the grounds of her husband’s adultery next week.

*****

‘Have you ever been cross-examined before?
‘Yes your honour, I’m a married man.

*****

‘Guilty. Ten days or two hundred dollars.’
‘I’ll take the two hundred dollars, thanks Judge.’

*****

Did you hear about the butcher’s boy who sat on the bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.

*****

‘Knock, knock.’
‘Who’s there?’
‘A little old lady.’
‘A little lady who?’
‘I didn’t know you could yodel.’

*****

Whisky is a wonderful drink. It makes you see double and feel single.

*****

The Bridegrooms mother arrived at the reception and looked amazing. Her husband was delighted by the attention. ‘You look stunning,’ he smiled. You should always leave your bra at home.

She blushed. ‘How did you know?’

‘Because you have lost all the wrinkles from your face!’

*****

Thank you for dropping by today and to Debby Gies for her dedication….. we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and jokes from the archives.


Debby Gies is off on her annual migration to Mexico and will be away until March. This has not stopped her from checking online for funnies to make you laugh..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

I have also found some book titles in the archives that might amuse you……

Anyway for those of you who made New Year’s Resolutions…………….

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.comGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And here are some book titles you might consider for your next release from the archives…….

A Clifftop Tragedy  by Eileen Dover.

A Whole Lot of Cats  by Kitt N. Caboodle

Animal Scents by Farrah Mones

Cheating on His Wife by  Izzy Backyet

Confessions Of A Gold Digger by Emile Ticket

Yellow River by I.P.Daily,

Russian Lion Tamer by Claude Buttox

Carpet Laying by Walter Wall

Eating Garlic by Y.I Malone.

Pain and Sorrow by Ann Quish

The Insomniac by Eliza Wake

The Scent of a Man by Jim Nasium

Wait for me by Isa Cummin.

Willie Win by Betty Wont.

My thanks to Debby for taking time out from her holiday to look for things to keep us amused… and thanks to you for dropping by… Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and another joke from my archives


Debby Gies is off on her annual migration to Mexico and will be away for the next two months. She did however did not want you to fell deprived in any way and has left you some funnies for the next few Tuesdays..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.comGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

My thanks to Debby for her productive foraging online to find the funnies and now it is time for a joke from my archive….

This one is for those of you about to sort out your taxes for the year……The Old Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked,

“Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?”

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves and what is good enough for him is good enough for me..

Thank you for joining us today and as always love to receive your feedback…thanks Sally and Debby.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a joke or two..

Thanks again Debby you are hired…...

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for one of the jokes from my archives

Women versus Men . .

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. They were asked the following questions:

1. “How many of you love your husband?”

All of them raised their hands.

2. “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some said today, a few said yesterday, and others couldn’t remember.

They were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husbands: “I love you, sweetheart.”

They were then instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the message each received in response to their message.

Below are the replies. Do your best to keep a straight face! Or not!

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Thanks for joining us today and if you enjoyed yourself, why not spread the laughter around.. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian.. D.G. Kaye – Debby Gies


I have been busy this week with offline and online projects so I asked Debby Gies to track down some funnies for you and I have tacked a joke on at the end…I felt I should do something at least!!

I feel this next one is very personal for Debby.. who flies south for the winter every year!!

 

And I rifled through my archives and have selected this little story, which I think about everytime I am on a plane..wondering if I have the nerve to lay claim to this lady’s occupation and see the reaction!!! Perhaps not…

A man seated next to a beautiful woman on a plane. Eager to start a conversation, he asks

“Business trip or holiday?”

She smiles dazzlingly and tells him.” Business, I’m on my way to the annual nymphomaniac conference in New York”

Trying to stay cool, the man asks “What’s your role at the conference?”

Lecturer, she says, I use my experience to debunk some of the myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” the man asks. And what are those?

The beautiful woman explains “One is that African men are the well-endowed, when in fact it is the American Indian. Another is that French men are the best lovers when actually it’s the Greeks and I have also found the men most likely to impress in both categories are the Irish”.

“Blushing she added I’m sorry I shouldn’t be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name”.

“Tonto” the man replied. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s selection and my thanks go to Debby for helping keep the supply coming… in the unlikely event that you do not know Debby Gies or D.G. Kaye.. then here are some links to contact her and buy her books.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads