Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Things are not as they might seem.. and a few more one liners…


And now a few one liners…..please add your level of groans in the comment section rated between 1 -10….

Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning ‘Many’. and Tics, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.

Of all the blood groups,type Os make the most spelling mistakes..

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Truisms and life’s little wrinkles


Knowledge and Faith

Father O’Grady was preaching the difference between knowledge and faith.

‘In the front row we have Teresa and Shamus with their six children,’ he said. ‘Teresa knows they are her children. That’s knowledge. Shamus believes they are his children. That’s faith.’

Restaurants.

There is a Mongolian-Jewish restaurant. It’s called Genghis Cohen..

******

Two crayfish in a restaurant’s aquarium realised that this would probably be their last night together. The male started kissing and cuddling the female. She said: ‘Okay, but will you still respect me in the mornay?’

******

A Scot, Irishman and an Englishman were dining together in a restaurant. When the waiter cleared away the coffee the Scot was heard to ask for the bill.

Next day the newspaper headlines declared: Irish Ventriloquist shot in restaurant.

Salesmanship

Sid was told if he did not sell more toothbrushes he would be fired. One month later his sales record had soared and his manager called him in to explain the dramatic turnaround.

Sid explained that he had got tired of calling at pharmacies and had set up a little stall at the main train station with some crackers and a new dip.

‘Try my dip,’ he would say, and a constant stream of people did so. When they enquired about the ingredients of the dip, Sid told them: ‘Garlic and Chicken poop!’

They would go ‘Aaaargh!’ and spit it out.

Then Sid would say: ‘Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’

Never look a gift Porsche in the mouth…..

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss,“Where did you get that car???!!!”He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

So the parents began to panic and asked.“Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name; they just moved in.She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh, my goodness,” moaned the mother to the boy’s father, “John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived. He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded.

He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

Thanks for dropping in today and hope you have enjoyed.. Please feel free to pass along.. Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines from the archives – Blondes have more fun… I know from experience!


The beauty of being blonde and having a touch of the Irish is that there are many jokes you can tell without getting told off. As I am now well into my 60s I can also tell elderly jokes if I remember them.

I have rifled through my drawers (pardon the expression) an unearthed some jokes that have been sent to me.

Anyway… Have fun with this selection and pass them on as laughter is infectious and so much more healthier than the usual virus.

And as an added bonus – some What’s in a Name signs..

A natural Blonde!

A blonde in first class refuses to move when the ticket holder who paid for the seat boards, saying only, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to LA to be a star – and I’m not moving to the back of the plane.” Repeatedly. To anyone who tried to convince her otherwise.

The stewardess asks the advice of the captain. Since his wife happens to be blonde, he admits to some expertise in these matters and agrees to handle it. He whispers something in the budding starlet’s ear and she immediately scurries back to the cheap seats, saying only, “Well why didn’t they tell me THAT in the first place?”

The curious stewardess couldn’t wait to hear what the pilot had said to get her to change her mind so abruptly.

“I simply informed her that the front of the plane wasn’t going to Los Angeles.”

Men can have a blonde moment too!

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

And a blonde cow!

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

“You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes and says, “My wife is from Sicily.”

A not so blonde student!

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

A not so blonde salesman

Sid was told if he did not sell more toothbrushes he would be fired. One month later his sales record had soared and his manager called him in to explain the dramatic turnaround.

Sid explained that he had got tired of calling at pharmacies and had set up a little stall at the main train station with some crackers and a new dip.

‘Try my dip,’ he would say, and a constant stream of people did so. When they enquired about the ingredients of the dip, Sid told them: ‘Garlic and Chicken poop!’

They would go ‘Aaaargh!’ and spit it out.

Then Sid would say: ‘Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’

and finally a blonde Irishman

A Scot, Irishman and an Englishman were dining together in a restaurant. When the waiter cleared away the coffee the Scot was heard to ask for the bill.

Next day the newspaper headlines declared: Irish Ventriloquist shot in restaurant.

I hope that raised a smile and feel free to pass them along.. thanks Sally