Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies that she has spotted that she thinks you would enjoy…..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US Blog: D.G. Writes Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: The Travel Column with D.G. Kaye

And now a joke from my archives

Be careful what you wish for….

It was a few weeks before Christmas. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman’s good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: “Don’t be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up.”

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. “Wait!” she said. “Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!” So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking.

Eventually, she spoke: “First”, she said, “I want to be very, very wealthy.” Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: “Next”, she said, “I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18.” Poof!

The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. “Third”, she said to the fairy, “I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!”

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: “Hah! Now you’re really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!”

Oh and let me introduce you to the Clauses before you meet them in person later in the month.

Saint Nicholas is the main Clause.
His wife is a relative Clause.
His children are dependent Clauses.
Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.
Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Age old questions and that Genie pops up again!


Hope you enjoy this small selection that seem to be mainly based on questions…..

Questions and answers

A fellow was cleaning out his attic one morning when he came across an old brass lamp. He gave it a rub and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

‘I am the genie of the lamp,’ said the apparition. ‘For releasing me, I will answer any three questions you care to ask.’

‘Who? Me?’ said the young man.

‘Yes, You,’ replied the genie. ‘Now, what’s your third question?’

Another good question.

‘And does anyone know where God lives?’ asked the Sunday school teacher.

‘In our bathroom,’ said a little boy in the front row.

‘What on earth makes you say that?’ asked the teacher.

‘Well,’ replied the lad, ‘every morning my dad thumps on the door and shouts, ‘God, are you still in there!’

Never look a gift helicopter in the….

Mr. Evans who was a devout Baptist lived on a remote farm up the valley. A storm front moved in and the dam that held back an enormous reservoir was in danger of collapsing and filling the valley with millions of tons of water.

The valley was hurriedly evacuated and the police arrived at Mr. Evans farm and urged him to leave. He refused point blank. ‘No I will be safe, God will protect me.’

With other urgent calls to make the police had no time to argue with the old man and left having informed headquarters.

The dam burst and the water rose to halfway up Mr. Evan’s cottage. A rescue boat arrived outside his bedroom window and insisted that he climb through into the boat or he would drown.

‘No, I will be safe, God will protect me,’ the old man insisted.

The boat reluctantly left to pick up other stranded valley folk.

Eventually Mr. Evans had to retreat to the thatched roof of his home… As he clung to the chimney a helicopter hovered above his house and a man was winched down to the roof top. Mr. Evans waved him off and clung to his precarious perch. ‘Go away, God will protect me,’ he shouted into the wind from the rotor blades.

Anyway the water continued to rise and eventually Mr. Evans was drowned and arrived at the pearly gates looking very bedraggled and slightly miffed.

He demanded to see God and eventually St. Peter went off to get him.

When he arrived Mr. Evans confronted him with hands on hips.

‘I have been a faithful servant of yours. I have given 25% of my profits from my farm to the church. I have left all my farmland to the parish and this is how you repay me, by letting me drown. You did nothing to save me.

God shook his head in frustration. ‘Did nothing, is that what you think?’ he gazed witheringly upon the soaking petitioner.

‘I sent you a policeman, a boat and a helicopter and you call that nothing?’

The age old question.

‘How old are you Grandma?’ asked little Rebecca.

‘Oh, I don’t know dear,’ said Grandma with a smile. ‘I’ve had so many birthdays, I’ve lost count!’

‘Well, why don’t you look in your knickers,’ said Rebecca. ‘Mine say three to four years old.’

And now that I have you mesmerised!!

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’centre.

After the community sing-song led by Alice at the piano, It was time for the Star of the Show – Claude the Hypnotist.

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” Said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke.

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact

“S**T” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Centre

And Claude was never invited to entertain again.

Thanks for dropping in today and I hope you leave with a smile.. please pass it on.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Job Applicant, Life’s Little Annoyances, Wishes and Neighbours


The Job Applicant

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED: Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later, a dog trotted up to the office and saw the sign. He went inside and looked at the secretary and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign and barked. Getting the message the secretary got the manager who looked at the dog and was surprised to say the least. However, the dog looked determined so he led him into his office.

The dog jumped into a chair and sat staring at the manager. ‘I can’t hire you. The advert says you must be able to type’. With that the dog jumped down from the chair and went over to another desk where there was a typewriter. He stood on his back legs and typed out a perfect letter, retrieved with his teeth and returned to the manager. The dog jumped back into his chair and stared at the amazed man.

‘The job requires you to be good with a computer.’ The dog jumped down again and went over to the manager’s desktop and pushed him to one side. Again on his hind legs he created a spreadsheet and printed it off. By this time the office manager was pretty gobsmacked.

‘I appreciate that you have some outstanding abilities and are very intelligent. However, I still can’t give you the job. The dog went out to the front office and reached up to pull the sign off the window.. He returned and put it on the desk in front of the manager with his paw on the line about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager agreed. ‘ Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual’

The dog looked calmly at the manager and said ‘Meow’

Life’s little annoyances.

  • The tiny red string on the band aid wrapper never works for you.
  • You have to try on sunglasses with that stupid plastic tag in the middle of them.
  • There is always a car riding on your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
  • You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
  • You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
  • You wash your clothes with a tissue stuck up a sleeve and all your washing comes out covered in little white specks.
  • You set your alarm for 7pm instead of 7am.
  • You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary as you don’t know how to spell it.. neither can Google apparently.
  • You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you are just browsing.

Be careful what you wish for.

A man finds a magic lamp and feeling lucky rubs with his hand. Out pops a genie who grants him three wishes. ‘I would like 5 million pounds please’. Immediately he is surrounded by plastic wrapped wads of £50 notes. He thinks for a moment and then says ‘I would like a convertible Rolls Royce please’. There on the drive of his house is a brand new silver luxury car. His third wish didn’t require much thought. ‘I would like to be irresistible to women please’. There is a massive flash and bang and he is transformed into a box of chocolates.

 

Neighbours.

An old lady calls the police to complain that her neighbour, a young man, walks around his house naked without drawing the blinds. The policeman goes to the window of her flat and stares at the house next door.

‘Madam, you cannot see into his window from here’.

‘No,’ says the old lady, ‘you have to climb on the bookcase and look through the skylight.’

Thanks for dropping by today and hope you have enjoyed.. please pass on the smiles. Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Be careful what you wish for!


 

drivingVery Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are very excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. They go in, and Jacob addresses the pharmacist behind the counter:
“Are you the owner?”
“Yes.”
“We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
“Of course, we do.”
“How about medicine for circulation?”
“All kinds.”
“Medicine for rheumatism?”
“Definitely.”
“How about suppositories?”
“You bet!”
“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Alzheimer’s?”
“Yes, a large variety. The works.”
“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
“Absolutely.”
“Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
“We sure do.”
“You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
“All speeds and sizes.”
“Adult diapers?”
“Sure.”
“Then we’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

Be Careful What You Vote For . . .

While walking down the street one day, a Corrupt Senator is hit by a car and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem; just let me in.”

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really? I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in heaven.”

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil. He really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door opens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

Twenty-four hours passes with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The Senator reflects for a minute then answers.

“Well, I would never have said it before – I mean heaven has been delightful – but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all of his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil grins a sinister grin. “Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted.”

last-words

A Genie’s magic.

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, “Nope … due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”

The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for … a good mate.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that damn map again!’

Be careful what you wish for!

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a Genie materialized.

“I can’t grant your wishes,” explained the freed spirit, “Due to poor connectivity with the seventh dimension. But I’ll give you three off-the-shelf gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.”

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.

“Yes,” she replied. “It’s been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight.”

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Get your money’s worth.

An old man whose wife had recently passed away decided to place an obituary
in the local paper. He went to see the editor and was told it would cost £1 a word.
After turning out the contents of his pocket, the old man found £3 in loose change.
He wrote: “Doris Smith Dead”.

Seeing this, the editor felt so sorry for him he said; “For £3 you can have seven
words.” The old man thanked him and thought for a while.

Then he wrote: “Doris Smith Dead. Ford Focus for Sale”.

I hope this has made you smile.. thanks to Mrs. T. and please feel free to share the funny side of life.. Sally