Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Hysterical Historical inaccuracies – and other mistakes..

Last year I shared some schoolboy howlers from a 1988 book compiled by William Cooke.. here is another selection. These are actual answers in school exams.

Here is a selection that might tickle your fancy…or float your boat..

In the classroom

The brain increases in size at puberty to hold emotions.

The cost of living is rising with youngsters having to spend more money on essentials like pop records (nothing new in history).

Veronica was absent with permission because her sister had a baby. Please thank the headmaster very much.

Give one word for ‘a man with two wives’ – A Pigamist!

There is one major sports centre – everything can be done here@ Judo, karate and all other marital arts.


Ooh la la

Je suis fiance. C’est la guerre – I am engaged to a gorilla

Saucisses – Saucy girls.

Name a French winter sport – Bog-slaying

The Louvre is a well known night-club.

The French National Anthem is called The Mayonnaise

Music Appreciation

Elvis Presley was a more refined pop star than Bill Haley. Many of the rock stars were idles to the youngsters. Today there are different categories of pop from ‘sole’ to ‘punk’

Wogart’s Ride of the Vivaldis

Major keys sound smooth; minor keys sound bumpy

Handel’s Lager

A Requiem Mass is the end of the world.



As a youth Shakespeare spent a year under Queen Elizabeth.

Q. Who was Juliet’s father.  A. Lord Catapult

Q. Who was Juliet’s mother A. Lady Copulate

In A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Lysander and Demetrius have succumbed to Hernia.

Miracle Plays were performed in the navel.

Anthony and Cleopatra is full of phallic cymbals.

It’s the way you tell ’em

Immigrants often do not bother to learn to speak the English Language let alone wright it.

Grate Britt’n has the best educain cistern in the wold.

If there was no scool rools there would be utercayoss

This is a specticcill not to be mist.

To vote you must be over the age of eighteen and be of fixed mind, meaning that you are not stupid and vote Conservative because it has a nice ring to it.

Q. Briefly describe how to carry out any simple repair A. To mend a puncha stick a plasta on the in a choobe.


Sleeping sickness is brought on by the bite of the sexy fly.

The diver knew he had to act quickly when the octopus wrapped its testacles around him.

Weightlessness can be produced by over-dieting.

Some people have extra-sensual perception.

Pollution is caused by cars giving off intoxicating fumes.

An atheist is someone who puts you to sleep before an operation.

Historical inaccuracies. (or should that be hysterical)

After Waterloo Napoleon went to St Helens to dye.

The Black Death was a warning from God and this brought on masochistic activities such as a great wave of flatulence.

Peter the Great westernised Russia by building cinemas and music halls.

During the Crusades, crucifixes were put up along all the main highways of Europe. Someone with a religious burden could merely kneel down to relieve himself.

The Anglo-Saxons weren’t as dumb as many think although most could not read and write, but who needed to when you were raping and pillaging?

King Louis didn’t bother that the peasants were starving – he just stayed in the palace and kept holding his balls.

In Italy Gary Baldy and his Gorillas rode to victory.

Source Howlers by William Cooke and illustrated by Mike Gordon Published 1988 Used copies are available on Ebay and Amazon.

I do hope that you have enjoyed and are now at piece!