Smorgasbord Posts from Your Archives – Mixed Nuts Part 2 by Linda Bethea


I am so pleased that Linda Bethea is going to share some of her heartwarming and entertaining posts from her archives over the coming weeks. Linda’s family stories always has me in fits of laughter or shedding a tear. I hope you will also head over and buy the books that Linda has published. Here is the link to part one of her mini-series: Mixed Nuts part 1

image

Mixed Nuts Part 2 by Linda Bethea

When you are dealing with family, it clarifies things to have a scale. You don’t have to waste time analyzing people when you have a ready reference. This one works pretty well for us.

1.Has a monogrammed straight jacket and standing reservation on mental ward.

2.Family is likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in the past or the future

3.People say, “Oh, crap. Here comes Johnny.”

4.Can go either way. Gets by on a good day. Never has been arrested. Can be lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee. Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.

5.Regular guy. Holds down a job. Mostly takes care of business. Probably not a serial marry-er. Attends church when he has to.

6.Good fellow. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Manages money well enough to retire early.

7.High achiever. Business is in order. Serves on city council.

8.Looks too good to be true. What’s really going on?

9.Over-achiever. Affairs are in order. Solid citizen. Dull, dull, dull. Could end up as a 1

My family is as much a mixed bag of nuts as any. As a kid, I was most fascinated by the ones on the fringes. My favorite was Uncle Chester, not because he was friendly, funny, or even seemed to notice me, but because he was the first solid #3 of my acquaintance. (Family likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in past or future.) As a young man in the depression, he started out as a moonshiner and petty criminal, lounging a bit in local jails. He never really hit the big time and made the Federal Penitentiary till he got caught counterfeiting quarters. His technique was sloppy and his product unpolished. He was fortunate in getting caught red-handed passing his ugly quarters. In 1941 he was sent up to Fort Leavenworth for some higher education where he made good use of his time by apprenticing himself to a cellmate who was doing time for making twenty-dollar bills.

Aunt Jenny #5 (Can go either way. Gets by on a good day. Never been arrested. Can be lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee. Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.) was short-sighted about Uncle Chester’s situation and ditched him while he was imprisoned, but realized she still loved him when he came home with his enhanced earning capacity. They let bygones be bygones, got back together, and had three lovely children. Their eldest son Lynn and daughter Sue were solid #7s from the start. (Good fellows. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Manages money well enough to retire early.) Uncle Chester was perfectly willing to give Lynn a good start in business, but Lynn was ungrateful, distanced himself from his father’s dealings, joined the military, and avoided the family business altogether, even seeming to resent his father.

One Sunday dinner, when Uncle Chester was dropping names of the interesting people he had been in jail with at various times, Lynn rudely interrupted, “Daddy, you’ve been in jail with everybody at one time or another.” Uncle Chester did step up and keep Cousin Lynn from making a mistake. Lynn came home on leave from the military and met a girl he wanted to marry; love at first sight. She was a pretty as a spotted puppy and even she noticed how much she looked like his sister Sue. Uncle Chester got her off to the side and asked a few questions about her mama and daddy and where she was raised. He was waiting up for Lynn to get home. “Son, I sure hope things ain’t gone too far. I hate it, but you can’t marry that li’l old gal. She looks just like her Mama did when we was running around together. There’s a real good reason she looks just like yore sister Sue, a real good reason.”

By the fifties, Uncle Chester had branched out a little. He did a little research and decided lawsuits paid well and weren’t too much work. He captured some bees, applied them to his leg. When his leg was good and swollen, he got his buddy to drop him off downtown at a trolley stop. As the trolley approached, Uncle Chester carefully stumbled into the path of the trolley, suffering a knee injury in front of numerous witnesses. He collapsed to the ground, moaning and groaning. Suffering terribly, he was transported and treated at the hospital. Now Uncle Chester was set with a fifty-thousand dollar settlement, a tidy sum for that time.

Their daughter Susie turned out real well, became a teacher, and married a Baptist Preacher, lending Uncle Chester a much appreciated touch of respectability. Uncle Chester and Aunt Jenny were very generous toward her church, and the legitimacy of their donations was never questioned. Sadly, many years later Susie’s daughter a bona fide #3, embarrassed them all by stealing from her employer.

Ross, Uncle Chester’s youngest son, was also a gifted #3 (Family likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in past or future) followed in Uncle Chester’s footsteps. He dabbled in moonshine, petty crime, and scams but just never rose to Uncle Chester’s level. He initiated a few crooked lawsuits but lacked the brain power and organization to pull bigger things off. All went well till he got too big for his britches and tried setting up business in Texas. When he got caught moonshining in someone else’s territory, he called the old man for help. Uncle Chester had to admit, “I’m sorry son, but I can’t do a thing for you. I don’t have any influence with the law out there.” Uncle Chester felt bad about one of his boys getting in trouble till the day he died,” but sometimes you just have to let kids make their own mistakes.”

Aunt Jenny was stingy. You would think she got her money in the usual way. Or maybe she just got tired of hearing Uncle Chester complain how hard it was to make money. She even made her own mother pay for a ride to the grocery store. When Maw Maw won some groceries in a weekly contest, she had to share with Aunt Jenny since she hitched a ride to the grocery store every week. Aunt Jenny sold eggs and tomatoes and charged Maw Maw the same as everyone else.

When Aunt Jenny got older, she got dentures. She liked them so well she saved them for special occasions. She wore them when she had ladies over for coffee, church, and Sunday dinner. Being toothless didn’t hold her back a bit. She could take a bite off an apple as well as anyone and could have won a fried chicken eating contest hands down.

More from Linda next week…. if you have some mixed nuts in your family, please feel free to mention them in the comments…..

About Linda Bethea.

Linda Bethea brings humour to her stories that are usually set in what was a dire time in American history in the great depression. There is no doubt in my mind that Southerners are tough, resilient and have an amazing sense of fun.

win_20160620_13_24_45_proHere is Linda with a little bit about herself.

Now that I’m done with the bothersome business of workday world, I am free to pursue my passion, capturing the stories I’ve loved all my life. The ones you’ll read on my blog are good old Southern stories, a real pleasure to relay. Here in the South, we are proud of our wacky folks. I’ve preyed shamelessly on my family, living and dead, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances, often changing the names to protect the innocent and not so innocent.

My mother illustrates my blog. I come from a rollicking family of nuts, hence the name of the blog Nutsrok Enjoy.

Linda has captured the essence of her family history in her book Everything Smells Just Like Poke Salad

51qb8fm4dql-_uy250_About Everything Smells Just Like Poke Salad by Linda Swain Bethea (Author) with Kathleen Holdaway Swain (Collaborator & Illustrator)

Born to a struggling farm family in the deepest of The Great Depression, Kathleen enjoys a colorful childhood, enhanced by her imagination, love of life, and the encouragement of her family.

She’s determined to build a better life for herself, getting herself into hilarious situations all along the way. Distinguishing herself in school and the community, she never takes her eyes off her goal.

Just as she’s about to get started, she meets Bill, the man who is going to help her on her way. Everything changes. And then changes again. The true story of a remarkable woman who will inspire you, make you laugh, and see life from a new perspective.

One of the many excellent reviews for the book.

………...as you fall in love with Kathleen’s family.

Bethea’s style of writing as she recounts her mother’s memories has made her one of my favorite authors, and I couldn’t put this book down once I started it.

Kathleen (Kitten) takes us through her childhood growing up during the Great Depression by sharing her memories, and we find ourselves cheering for the little girl and her family while we get to know them. Vivid descriptions about unwanted house-guest’s habits are hilarious, while stories of sacrifices made by the family for each other brings tears to the reader’s eyes. We find ourselves cherishing the favorite stories Kitten hears from her Mama and Daddy while she snuggles next to them much as she did at the time of their telling. As Kathleen recounts the difficulties she faced as a young adult, we too want to return home to her parents’ warm home, full pantry, and open arms.

Read the reviews and BUY the book: https://www.amazon.com/Everything-Smells-Just-Like-Salad-ebook/dp/B01IVUXROQ

And Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Everything-Smells-Just-Like-Salad-ebook/dp/B01IVUXROQ/

Also by Linda Bethea

About the book

WOMEN OF STRENGTH, FORTITUDE, AND BRAVERY

In this collection of six serials, Linda Swain Bethea weaves narratives of women through several centuries. The stories span from 1643 to 1957. Beginning in England in 1643, a young couple travels to Jamestown, Virginia, to begin a new life in the American frontier. The rest of the stories travel from West Texas to North Louisiana to the Texas Panhandle to East Texas.

Disease, death, starvation, and prison are faced with stoicism and common sense, and always, with a sense of humor.

The women in each tale stand tall and possess the wisdom and tenacity to hold families together under the worst conditions. Through it all, they persevere, and Linda Swain Bethea’s storytelling is a testament to the legacy they left.

Conversational and homey, you’ll fall in love with the women of Just Women Getting By – Leaving a Legacy of Strength, which celebrates the courage of those women who had no choice but to survive.

Read the reviews and buy the book: https://www.amazon.com/Just-Women-Getting-Leaving-Strength-ebook/dp/B072DZ5XTP

And on Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Just-Women-Getting-Leaving-Strength-ebook/dp/B072DZ5XTP

Connect to Linda via her blog: https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Nutsrok1
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/linda.bethea.50

My thanks to Linda for sharing her story and please share and leave your feedback. I will check on comments in a couple of days. Thanks Sally

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Smorgasbord Posts from Your Archives – Mixed Nuts Part 1 by Linda Bethea


I am so pleased that Linda Bethea is going to share some of her heartwarming and entertaining posts from her archives over the coming weeks. Linda’s family stories always has me in fits of laughter or shedding a tear. I hope you will also head over and buy the books that Linda has published.

Mixed Nuts Part 1 by Linda Bethea

image

When you are dealing with family, it clarifies things to have a scale. You don’t have to waste time analyzing people when you have a ready reference. This one works pretty well for my family.

1. Has a monogrammed straight jacket and standing reservation on mental ward.

2.Family is likely to move away without leaving forwarding address. Has jail time in the past or the future

3.People say, “Oh, crap. Here comes Johnny.”

4.Person can go either way. Gets by on a good day. Never has been arrested. Can be lots of fun or a real mess. Relatives usually will invite in for coffee. Likely to have hormone-induced behavior.

5.Regular guy. Holds down a job. Mostly takes care of business. Probably not a serial marrier. Attends church when he has to.

6.Good fellow. Almost everybody likes him or her. Volunteers for Habitat for Humanity. Manages money well enough to retire early.

7.High achiever. Business is in order. Serves on city council.

8.Looks too good to be true. What’s really going on?

9.Over-achiever. Affairs are in order. Solid citizen. Dull, dull, dull. Could end up as a 1

Instead of saying, “Uncle Henry’s a pretty good guy, but sometimes he goes off the deep end, you could say, ‘He’s a usually about a 6 but he was a little 4-ish after Aunt Lou took his new truck and ran off with his brother’.” Or…

“Why in the world did Betty marry him? He was a jerk to her when she was married to his daddy.”

“Well, you know she’s a 5.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” Or…

“You set the house on fire trying to dry your underwear in the oven?? What in the hell were you thinking?? And you call yourself a 6?”

“Look, you know darn well I’m a 6. It just seemed like a good idea. Appliances should be multifunctional. I’ve seen you pull a 2 lot of times and never threw it up to you. It could happen to anyone.” Or…

“You forgot and put the turnip greens through the spin cycle and now the washing machine drain is stopped up! I’m not even going to ask you what turnip greens were doing in the washing machine! You’re a 2 if I ever saw one. Your mama and sisters are 2′s, too!! Did you put the beans in the dishwasher, too, while you were at it?”

“No, I’m not an idiot. You cook beans on the stove. I put my rolls in the dishwasher to rise.”

Our family reunions are an eclectic mix of mostly 5′s who can tip into categories 4 and 6 when pressed. Most are fairly regular folks, seasoned with a picante’ dash of street-corner preachers, nude airport racers, and folks who are just interesting in general. We have a couple of 7′s thrown in, reminders of what we could do if we tried. A person’s position on the social ladder is likely to be greatly influenced by his company or partner. For instance, if a submissive #5 marries a dominant #7, it is likely he or she will benefit. If the lower number Is dominant, not so much.

I was comfortable growing up in this eccentric milieu in the 1950’s. While I gave lip service to my parents’ goal of strict respectability, I enjoyed a ringside seat to periodic lunacy. It also justified my lapses. It ran it the family! And no matter how disappointed my parents might be when I messed up, at least I hadn’t been caught naked in traffic yet.

When considering parenthood, most people entertain hormone-tinged delusions, imagining their children as cute, well-behaved, athletic, and smart. We gaze fondly at our partners imagining a baby with his blue eyes, her sweet smile when’s we should have looked a little closer at Grandpa’s buck teeth or Grandma’s frizzy hair. Even better, this baby is just as likely to inherit genes from a great-great grandpa, the horse thief, as from Grandpa John, the Pulitzer Prize Winner. The baby might look a lot more like Aunt Fanny, the lady wrestler, than its pretty mama. A better plan would probably be to put all babies in a lottery at birth, so parents could credit their lumps to bad luck and the joys to good parenting for the next twenty-one years. The kids would definitely appreciate it.

(to be continued)
©Linda Bethea 2015

About Linda Bethea.

Linda Bethea brings humour to her stories that are usually set in what was a dire time in American history in the great depression. There is no doubt in my mind that Southerners are tough, resilient and have an amazing sense of fun.

win_20160620_13_24_45_proHere is Linda with a little bit about herself.

Now that I’m done with the bothersome business of workday world, I am free to pursue my passion, capturing the stories I’ve loved all my life. The ones you’ll read on my blog are good old Southern stories, a real pleasure to relay. Here in the South, we are proud of our wacky folks. I’ve preyed shamelessly on my family, living and dead, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances, often changing the names to protect the innocent and not so innocent.

My mother illustrates my blog. I come from a rollicking family of nuts, hence the name of the blog Nutsrok Enjoy.

Linda has captured the essence of her family history in her book Everything Smells Just Like Poke Salad

51qb8fm4dql-_uy250_About Everything Smells Just Like Poke Salad by Linda Swain Bethea (Author) with Kathleen Holdaway Swain (Collaborator & Illustrator)

Born to a struggling farm family in the deepest of The Great Depression, Kathleen enjoys a colorful childhood, enhanced by her imagination, love of life, and the encouragement of her family.

She’s determined to build a better life for herself, getting herself into hilarious situations all along the way. Distinguishing herself in school and the community, she never takes her eyes off her goal.

Just as she’s about to get started, she meets Bill, the man who is going to help her on her way. Everything changes. And then changes again. The true story of a remarkable woman who will inspire you, make you laugh, and see life from a new perspective.

One of the many excellent reviews for the book.

………...as you fall in love with Kathleen’s family.

Bethea’s style of writing as she recounts her mother’s memories has made her one of my favorite authors, and I couldn’t put this book down once I started it.

Kathleen (Kitten) takes us through her childhood growing up during the Great Depression by sharing her memories, and we find ourselves cheering for the little girl and her family while we get to know them. Vivid descriptions about unwanted house-guest’s habits are hilarious, while stories of sacrifices made by the family for each other brings tears to the reader’s eyes. We find ourselves cherishing the favorite stories Kitten hears from her Mama and Daddy while she snuggles next to them much as she did at the time of their telling. As Kathleen recounts the difficulties she faced as a young adult, we too want to return home to her parents’ warm home, full pantry, and open arms.

Read the reviews and BUY the book: https://www.amazon.com/Everything-Smells-Just-Like-Salad-ebook/dp/B01IVUXROQ

And Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Everything-Smells-Just-Like-Salad-ebook/dp/B01IVUXROQ/

Also by Linda Bethea

About the book

WOMEN OF STRENGTH, FORTITUDE, AND BRAVERY

In this collection of six serials, Linda Swain Bethea weaves narratives of women through several centuries. The stories span from 1643 to 1957. Beginning in England in 1643, a young couple travels to Jamestown, Virginia, to begin a new life in the American frontier. The rest of the stories travel from West Texas to North Louisiana to the Texas Panhandle to East Texas.

Disease, death, starvation, and prison are faced with stoicism and common sense, and always, with a sense of humor.

The women in each tale stand tall and possess the wisdom and tenacity to hold families together under the worst conditions. Through it all, they persevere, and Linda Swain Bethea’s storytelling is a testament to the legacy they left.

Conversational and homey, you’ll fall in love with the women of Just Women Getting By – Leaving a Legacy of Strength, which celebrates the courage of those women who had no choice but to survive.

Read the reviews and buy the book: https://www.amazon.com/Just-Women-Getting-Leaving-Strength-ebook/dp/B072DZ5XTP

And on Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Just-Women-Getting-Leaving-Strength-ebook/dp/B072DZ5XTP

Connect to Linda via her blog: https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Nutsrok1
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/linda.bethea.50

My thanks to Linda for sharing her story and please share and leave your feedback. I will check on comments in a couple of days. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Short Jokes that are easy to remember! Part Two


It is always useful to have a few jokes in your repertoire… You know, that moment when someone asks you if you have heard any good jokes lately. Here are a few to get you started with more to come in the next couple of posts.

Out of the mouths of babes….

A teacher was giving a lesson blood circulation. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”Yes,’ the class said. ‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

One little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note: ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

Men vs. Women

Two men are discussing what their wives think about them. The first man says. ‘My wife thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house.’

The second man says. ‘That’s nothing, My wife thinks I’m a God.’

‘She thinks your a god?’ replies the first man.’ What makes you say that?’

‘It’s obvious. Every night when I get home she places a burnt offering in front of me!’

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old witch steps in front of them.

‘This is a magic ride,’ she says. ‘You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.’
‘I’m game for this,’ says Dai, the Welshman, and slides down the helter-skelter shouting

‘GOLD!’ at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

William, the Englishman, goes next and shouts ‘SILVER!’ at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.

Patrick, the Irishman, goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts ‘WEEEEEEE!’

A man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years. After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. ‘Bed hard,’ he says.

He is promised the problem will be looked into. Another five years passes and this time his two words are: ‘Food cold.’

Again his superiors promise to take care of the problem. Five years later his two words are ‘I quit’. His superiors look at each other wearily. ‘We are not in the least bit surprised. You have done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years!

Words of wisdom

A man had been contemplating the world’s population,
It’s amazing, he told his friend. Every time I breathe in and out someone dies.
Have you tried mouthwash said his friend

*****

‘Every man should have a girl for love, companionship and sympathy,’ said a wise and mature bachelor. ‘Preferably at three different addresses,’ he added

Thank you for dropping in today and I hope it has made you smile.. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Truisms and life’s little wrinkles


Knowledge and Faith

Father O’Grady was preaching the difference between knowledge and faith.

‘In the front row we have Teresa and Shamus with their six children,’ he said. ‘Teresa knows they are her children. That’s knowledge. Shamus believes they are his children. That’s faith.’

Restaurants.

There is a Mongolian-Jewish restaurant. It’s called Genghis Cohen..

******

Two crayfish in a restaurant’s aquarium realised that this would probably be their last night together. The male started kissing and cuddling the female. She said: ‘Okay, but will you still respect me in the mornay?’

******

A Scot, Irishman and an Englishman were dining together in a restaurant. When the waiter cleared away the coffee the Scot was heard to ask for the bill.

Next day the newspaper headlines declared: Irish Ventriloquist shot in restaurant.

Salesmanship

Sid was told if he did not sell more toothbrushes he would be fired. One month later his sales record had soared and his manager called him in to explain the dramatic turnaround.

Sid explained that he had got tired of calling at pharmacies and had set up a little stall at the main train station with some crackers and a new dip.

‘Try my dip,’ he would say, and a constant stream of people did so. When they enquired about the ingredients of the dip, Sid told them: ‘Garlic and Chicken poop!’

They would go ‘Aaaargh!’ and spit it out.

Then Sid would say: ‘Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’

Never look a gift Porsche in the mouth…..

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss,“Where did you get that car???!!!”He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

So the parents began to panic and asked.“Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name; they just moved in.She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh, my goodness,” moaned the mother to the boy’s father, “John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived. He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded.

He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

Thanks for dropping in today and hope you have enjoyed.. Please feel free to pass along.. Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One liners Marathon – Part Two – 31- 60


I make no apologies for these one liners… only 333 to go!!!

31.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

32.Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

33.Two wrongs are only the beginning.

34.The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

35.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

36.Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

37.Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

38.Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.

39.If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

40.How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

41.If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what’s the speed of darkness?

42.Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

43.Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

44.”When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather–not screamin like the passengers in his car.”

45.A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

46.It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

47.I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

48.I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

49.I’m so ugly… My father carried around a picture of a kid that came with his wallet.

50.When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”

51.I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.

52.I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

53.My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

54.I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

55.I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

56.What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

57.Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

58.My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

59.It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

60.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

 

Thanks for dropping by..  feel free to pass them on and Part Three next Tuesday.. Part One can be found in the archive for Tuesday.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – A few Irish jokes and one liners… Part One – 1 – 30


I trot these out every year and add some new ones here and there… if you have read them before.. then try to put that behind you and enjoy again……….

Here is the first lot.

1.When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

2.His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

3.Pat and Kieran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said “I’m taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?” The other one said “Two rattlesnakes!”

4.”Seamus do you understand French?”, “I do if its spoken in Irish”

5.Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and lands in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it’s just as well we got out of that field.

6.Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. “Faith, Mike, we’ve stumbled into the graveyard and here’s the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!” “Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?” “No, ’twas someone named ‘Miles from Dublin’!”

7.T’was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots haven’t gotten the joke yet!!”

8.One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

9.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

10.42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

11.99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

12.If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

13.Honk if you love peace and quiet.

14.Remember half the people you know are below average.

15.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16.He who laughs last thinks slowest.

17.The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18.I intend to live forever – so far so good.

19.Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

20.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21.Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

22.Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

23.If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24.Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

25.For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

26.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

27.No one is listening until you make a mistake.

28.Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

29.The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

30.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s selection… please feel free to share and more sillies… I mean funnies to come next week…. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Fifty Sheds of Grey, Tree Hugging and One-Liners


Another way of looking at it! Double-entendres (a bit saucy).

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and its sequels have seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now an alternative for men, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for
the men.

The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love
encounters at the bottom of the garden.

Here are some extracts………………………

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a
wall…
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was
the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want
with me.”
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes,
chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the
shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be
punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me
the receipt.

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be
able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said,
gently massaging my back as we listened to her Barry Manilow CD.

The dangers of being a tree hugger!

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I’m sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

And a few one liners…

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about antigravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro… What a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Sporty?

My skiing skills are really going downhill

I’m not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.

My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve.. He kept returning it

What do say to an impatient Jockey? Hold your horses.

I think there are about 1 to 2 million baseball fields in the world but that is just a ballpark number.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I hope you enjoyed and were not too overcome by the Fifty Sheds of Grey.. personally I thought more realistic and true to life than the original…..Please feel free to pass on… thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Posts from My Archives – Laughter Lines – Shaggy Dog Stories from around the world.


This was one of the most popular laughter academies of a year ago and I thought that I would add to the blog sitting list for my final day away.

From Australia

Whenever two drovers get together, there is the inevitable argument about who has the best kelpie sheep dog. So the merits of their respective dogs was the subject of the debate at the bar.

‘My dog’s so smart,’ said one, ‘ I can give him five instructions at the same time and he will carry them out to perfection.

‘That’s nothing,’ said his mate. ‘I only have to whistle and point and Bluey anticipates the whole exercise.

Finally they decided to put their dogs to the test. The first drover whistled his dog and told him to dash to the saleyards, select the oldest ram, bring him back into town and load it into the ute which was parked outside the pub.

The dog sped off in a cloud of dust and ten minutes later was seen bringing a large ram down the main street. He jumped into the ute, dropped the tail gate and hunted the ram in.

‘Well that’s not bad,’ conceded the second drover. ‘ But watch this.’

‘Bluey, what about some tucker?’

In a cloud of dust Bluey streaked down the main street to a farm five kilometres from town. The dog raced into the chook house, nudged a hen off the nest and gently picked up an egg.

The dog then sped back to town and gently placed the egg at his master’s feet. But without waiting for a pat on the head, the dog gathered a few sticks and lit a fire, grabbed a billy in his teeth and dashed to the creek. Returned and set the billy on the fire and gently dropped the egg into the simmering water.

After exactly three minutes, Bluey rolled the billy off the fire, laid the boiled egg at his master’s feet and stood on his head.

‘Well that beats all,’ conceded the first drover, ‘but why is he standing on his head?’

‘Well he knows I haven’t got an egg cup,’ said the proud owner.

 

From Ireland

An Irishman Patrick Flanagan was walking his Irish Setter in the countryside. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Patrick then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Patrick then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Patrick was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Patrick dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner.

Once the Irish drunk saw that, he turned to Patrick and said; “Why that’s great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”

From France (and various other countries with various makes and models of dog.. )

A wealthy French lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged Poodle along for the company

One day the Poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doodoo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old Poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old Poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet,

Just when they get close enough to hear, the old Poodle says: “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

I hope you enjoyed the repeat and feel free to share the laughter. thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Blog Sitting Special – The Wedding Dancer by Jennie Fitzkee


I have another treat for you with the next blog sitting post. Jennie Fitzkee has a wonderful blog where she shares stories of her life as a pre-school teacher. But in this post Jennie shares a hidden talent… well hidden from us up to now!

The Wedding Dancer by Jennie Fitzkee

Friends. Good friends. There are seven of us. Lucky Seven, I’d say. We met when our children were quite young and sang together in a premier children’s choral group. The group made two trips to England, including singing at Harrods and at St Martin-in-the-Fields. We stuck together through years of rehearsals and performances, a brilliant choir director who drank too much, and an organist who was as kind as Father Christmas to the children. The choir flourished, and so did our friendship.

I never really experienced diversity before. My southern upbringing where everyone was alike abruptly changed when I moved to New England. These ladies, good friends, were different from me. Our commonality was music, and that was the foundation for a life-long friendship.

Paula was the smart one, the leader, and a math genius.

Jane was the voice of standing up for what is right and wrong. She could have led the woman’s suffrage movement back in the day. She was also the chef.

Carolyn was the witty one and a brilliant writer. She reviewed all the theater performances in Boston.

Kathryn was the accomplished musician and an excellent nurse.

Alice was the outstanding teacher, working with blind students in Boston.

Elaine was the savvy one, the techy one. She also owned the great outdoors.

Death and illness intervened and brought us closer together. Alice’s husband died, and Paula’s husband became very ill. We started meeting for dinner every month. Then, we started meeting for a weekend every summer at Paula’s house on Lake Winnisquam in New Hampshire. Meanwhile, our children were going through teenage years and prep school applications. We cried. We laughed. Oh, how we laughed! We swam in the lake and became the Mermatrons. Too old to be mermaids, so matrons seemed to fit the title.

That humorously came to be pronounced merm-A-trons. Yes, we have a title. Our children are jealous, hoping that they find such a lifetime group of friends.

Music was always the bond, the glue. We shared our love of opera. I shared my love of R&B. We talked about the concerts we went to in college, and the great music of the 60’s and 70’s. I always said, “I want to be Aretha Franklin’s back-up singer.” I did, and I meant it. We played music at Paula’s on the lake, loud. Really loud. We sang and danced as if no time had passed since college.

Then, our children were older. Kathryn’s daughter was getting married. Kathryn said, “Jennie, you have always wanted to be Aretha Franklin’s back-up singer. Let’s do a performance at the wedding reception. You can lead us in a song and dance.”

Whoa! Me? Leading a R&B song and doing a performance? I protested, but finally caved.
I had to pick a song and decided on “One Fine Day” by the Chiffons. Costumes were white gloves. Picture a hand in the glove, and a finger waving and hips moving as we sang the words, “one fine day.”

Our practices were… hysterical. We were so bad that we laughed more than we sang. Wine helped, or maybe it didn’t help. Dancing to music looked like snow shoveling. At one practice, a client of Carolyn’s husband arrived, just in time to see us in all our glory, or less than glory. Paula’s son was there to help. Oh, we needed help. He clapped his hands together saying, “Ladies in the back row.” We knew we were bad. We’d never had so much fun.

We dubbed that as one of our top-ten Mermatron moments.

The wedding reception arrived, and so did we. I was (gulp) front and center. Carolyn and all her wit announced us, and… we were a big hit. Standing ovation. The audience asked for an encore. Encore? Carolyn’s parting words to the crowd at the end of our performance were, “Ladies and gentlemen, as we speak, Federal Agents from the Witness Protection Program are waiting to escort the performers…”

Out first wedding performance was a smash!

Paula’s younger son was the next to get married. After the success that happened at the previous wedding, we were asked to perform. This time, I had to be prepared for a song AND an encore. Clearly the 60’s female groups were our thing, at least for weddings. I picked “Heat Wave” by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas. We wore white boas, long white gloves, and white cat-eye rhinestone-studded glasses. This was far more costume than the short white gloves we had worn before. The movements to the words would have topped any 60’s group. We had it nailed!

Then came the encore, “Gimme Some Lovin” by the Spencer Davis Group. I knew it had to be good, and not a female R&B song, as it was the encore! We practiced. More wine and more laughing helped. Well, sort of. Before the wedding, my husband and I attended a friend’s wedding. The DJ at the reception was taking requests for songs, and I knew I needed a practice in front of an audience. He played the song, I sang and danced… and everybody was watching. Everybody, including the kitchen help. Yes, they came out of the kitchen to watch.

 

I danced in front of a group of hundreds of people. Alone. I brought the house down. I had to practice for my friend’s wedding. Afterwards, a new acquaintance said, “Jennie, I didn’t know you were, uh, like that.” Little did he know I’m not. The power of music is remarkable.
At the Mermatron’s wedding reception we slipped away to “dress” in our boas, glasses, and long white gloves. “Heat Wave” has a long instrumental introduction with plenty of rhythm and soul- perfect for walking onto the stage. You could have heard a pin drop except for the music. I think the Mermatrons were relieved I was up front in case they screwed up, or had a sudden fit of hysterical laughter. Oh, we were good! Swinging hips and shoulders, waving arms up high, or open wide, with great exaggeration, of course. I think Martha Reeves and the Vandellas had real competition.

As soon as the song ended, and all the clapping and cheering died down, we turned our backs to the audience, took off the boas, glasses, and gloves, and grabbed dark sunglasses. Time for “Gimme Some Lovin”, the encore! Turning around to face the audience, we stood stone-faced, feet apart, and holding sunglasses behind our backs.

The music began with the heavy sound of five, do-do-do-do-do beats. We slowly put on our sunglasses at the second round of beats, keeping rhythm to the music. That was our killer opening move. This dance was heavy rock, not the smooth beats of R&B. We shook our hair, bent over shaking our shoulders, and pulled in an imaginary rope. Remember Dan Aykroyd in “The Great Outdoors”, dancing at the end of the movie and pulling his wife in with a ‘rope’? Yeah, that was the (great) move we did.

Just when wedding dancing seemed like a distant, lovely Mermatron memory, Kathryn’s other daughter married, and of course she wanted us to perform at her reception. The Chiffons came through again with “He’s So Fine.” Love that R&B. No boas, just long white gloves and the rhinestone studded white glasses. As we had a last rehearsal in the wings, Paula’s son remarked, “The ladies in the back row now have separate movements. Wow!” Can you picture 60-year-olds orchestrating and actually dancing to a hit song, with separate movements? We did, and we made The Chiffons proud. Carolyn introduced us as the Merm-a-tones. The audience roared their approval, and we danced the night away.

Paula’s oldest son was the next to marry. Mr. Ladies in the Back Row probably knew us better than any of our children. Naturally, we decided on the best wedding song ever, “Chapel of Love”, by the Dixie Cups. As with all the wedding dancing events, I spent the previous month singing the song under my breath at every moment, and unconsciously working on ‘cool moves’. Yes, in public. The stares were priceless. My husband did not feel the same way, though. I spied bling rings at the checkout counter at Pier One and lost it. I turned into a four-year-old on Christmas morning. I grabbed seven rings and tried to tell the sales lady how perfect they’ll be on top of the white gloves. She didn’t respond. I tried to explain the song and dance while trying on every ring, then noticed the silence around me. My husband clenched his teeth, paid for the rings, and pulled me out of the store.

Since this was the wedding of the hip, cool child, we went all out and decided to finish the song by immediately going into the latest, greatest, coolest music of the day- Gangnam Style! Well, first we had to learn that dance. So, two YouTube videos to the rescue, and lots of wine. One video was instructional. We followed along, or at least tried to. That was a sight not to behold. Laughter caused serious bladder control issues. A friend aged twenty-something watched us jump and cross our wrists, the key dance move, and commented that we looked like scarecrows. Now that was encouraging. Although, rolling our derrieres was a move we got down pat. Pun intended?

At the wedding reception, we entered the stage walking in a line, each with a hand on the shoulder of the lady in front of us. We flashed those bling rings at the audience and nearly brought the house down. But, no time to pause, as we immediately transitioned to Gangnam Style, including wearing singer PSY’s sunglasses. The audience enthusiastically whistled and clapped along to the beat. That certainly helped, and we pulled it off, beautifully.

Fast forward to today. One of our children has been friends with Meghan Markle for quite a while. If he is invited to the Royal Wedding, don’t you think he should suggest the Mermatrons as entertainment? Wait! We could ask Her Majesty the Queen to join the ladies in the back row!

Laughter makes the world all the better. So do good friends. Hats off to the Mermatrons and our wedding dancing adventures.

©Jennie Fitzkee images 2018

Wasn’t that a wonderful post of friendship, music and laughter and I know that Jennie would love your feedback..

About Jennie Fitzkee

I have been teaching preschool for over thirty years. This is my passion. I believe that children have a voice, and that is the catalyst to enhance or even change the learning experience. Emergent curriculum opens young minds. It’s the little things that happen in the classroom that are most important and exciting. That’s what I write about.

I am highlighted in the the new edition of Jim Trelease’s bestselling book, “The Read-Aloud Handbook” because of my reading to children. My class has designed quilts that hang as permanent displays at both the National Liberty Museum in Philadelphia, and the Fisher House at the Boston VA Hospital.

Connect to Jennie

Blog: https://jenniefitzkee.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jennie.fitzkee

I look forward to checking up on your comments when I get back next Wednesday and thanks again to Jennie for a lovely post.

Smorgasbord Posts from Your Archives – It’s the phrase he’s going through by Geoff Le Pard


Welcome to Geoff Le Pard who joins us with his four posts from his archives. This week catchphrases, particular from our youth on television or the odd phrase that somehow does not come out as intended…Malapropisms ran rife in our family as my mother was very creative…. known as molliepropisms..

It’s the phrase he’s going through by Geoff Le Pard

The Textiliste has no sense of smell. Not really. So it wasn’t unusual to have a sack pushed at my face and asked to sniff. Dried lavender, you see.

Collected last year from the garden and used to fill small cushions for sale. I had to check it still had oomph.

I moaned about the imposition (I was pretending to be asleep – I was never good at that – when the Lawyer was a babe and cried in the night, I would fain sleep while the Textiliste fained death) but she wasn’t to be denied. So I resorted to throwing a stalk at her, spear-like, crying ‘Banzai – Stabu the Elephant Boy!’

“Stab You?”

That’s what Dad said when he flung a grass stalk at us on a long walk (boy, were our entertainments sophisticated back then).

I thought I’d better check if there was such a character and it turned out he was talking about Sabu, the Elephant Boy, a star of 1930s Indian cinema. This young man had quite a history and it set had me thinking about whether I had just misheard Dad or that’s what he actually said.

By that tortuous route I alighted on a link to a wartime radio show called ‘ITMA’ (It’s That Man Again – which I’m informed, was a reference to a moustachioed German causing a stir across the channel). It seems ‘Stabu the elephant boy’ might have been a creation of that show. ITMA, I found, was the source of a number of catchphrases of the time: ‘Can I do you now, sir’ ‘TTFN’ (tata for now) and ‘After you Cyril; no after you Claude’. All of which peppered my childhood a couple of decades after the end of the war, proving the longevity of such silly expressions; they certainly wiggle their way into the subconscious like one of those cheap music ear-worms.

Catchphrases have an odd way of framing a period of my life. Mid 60’s TV and there was ‘Oh you are awful, but I like you’ (Dick Emery Show). Later, in the 70s and teen age years it was ‘They don’t like it up ’em, sir’ (Clive Dunn – Dad’s Army), ‘I’m Free’ (John Inman – Are You Being Served) and even ‘Bernie the Bolt’ (Bob Monkhouse). Partly I suppose it was because we only had two, three or four channels back then and we all watched TV together, all the generations, so these things infected every walk of life.

Do catchphrases still have the same resonance today? I had to think hard and came up with comedian Catherine Tate’s ‘Am I bovvered’. This entered the household lexicon at some time in the last ten years or so, but I can’t honestly say many others have. Which I think is a shame. Having Brucie (Forsyth) continue to roll out ‘Give us a Twirl’ is a sad indictment of the stickability of today’s TV, frankly. They seemed to be neat shorthand for shared experiences, albeit rather trite and superficial and I suppose I miss them.

And then, pondering their loss, I realised the BBC spoof of the Olympics, 2012 (which believe me, from someone who worked for both the ODA and LOCOG over four years up to the Games, was far too near the mark to be really funny) has given me the Ian Fletcher (Hugh Bonneville) ‘Well, that’s all good then’. I don’t suppose it has stuck with as many as the older ones did but it’s still out there, struggling to survive in this harsh competitive world of ours.

I wonder what others think? Do you have family favourites?

I started this piece wondering about the misheard phrase or saying: maybe I can share our family favourite which was when the Vet, aged about 7, came home to tell us, sadly, of her friend who was Black Toast Intolerant. She always feared I’d cook a lactose based breakfast at the next sleepover and kill the poor soul.

©Geoff Le Pard 2014

About Geoff Le Pard

71oyplm6zdl-_ux250_Geoff Le Pard (not Geoffrey, except to his mother) was born in 1956 and is a lawyer who saw the light. He started writing (creatively) in 2006 following a summer school course. Being a course junkie he had spells at Birkbeck College, twice at Arvon and most recently at Sheffield Hallam where he achieved an MA in Creative Writing.

And what did he learn?

That they are great fun, you meet wonderful people but the best lessons come from the unexpected places. He has a line of books waiting to be published but it has taken until now to find the courage to go live.

He blogs at http://geofflepard.com/ on anything and everything. His aim is for each novel to be in a different style and genre. Most people have been nice about his writing (though when his brother’s dog peed on the manuscript he was editing, he did wonder) but he knows the skill is in seeking and accepting criticism. His career in the law has helped prepare him.

Geoff’s Latest Book

About Life in a Flash

Life is fast, life is short. In a series of short fiction pieces, most under 500 words, we explore the world, its inhabitants and their trials and tribulations, their ups and downs and sideways shifts, all with humour and decent grammar. You’ll find something to amuse and intrigue here and if, unlikely as it is, one piece isn’t for you, well, turn the page and start again.

A recent review for the collection

Geoff Le Pard’s book is a collection of 157 pages filled with short stories. Each one has 500 words or less. Geoff Le Pard is a master in bringing out the irony of life in his special way. He has this dark British humor, adds twists, and always leaves something to ponder. What I loved most are the stories in which he combines Greek Mythology with the modern world.

This is a book made for those who like to be into the story quickly… but you won’t stop with one story because it makes you want more!

The book is available here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Flash-Geoff-Pard-ebook/dp/B076T96M2Y

and Amazon US: https://www.amazon.com/Life-Flash-Geoff-Pard-ebook/dp/B076T96M2Y

Other Books by Geoff Le Pard

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Read all the reviews and buy the books: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Geoff-Le-Pard/e/B00OSI7XA0

And Amazon US:https://www.amazon.com/Geoff-Le-Pard/e/B00OSI7XA0

Read more reviews and follow Geoff on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/9791177.Geoff_Le_Pard

Connect to Geoff

Blog: http://geofflepard.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/geofflepard
Google+ : https://plus.google.com/+GeoffLepard01/posts

Thanks for dropping in and there will be more from Geoff over the next three weeks. Don’t forget to share your favourite TV phrase in the comments. Thanks Sally