Smorgasbord Afternoon Video – Interrogator discovers who stole the cookie!


This is the funniest video I have seen for a while and I have my suspicions that their mom is a trainee law enforcement interrogator.. Brotherly love and Who stole the cookie.. Harley and Loa Alex Hutchinson 

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Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Parrots, Hamsters and Polo Mints.


What’s in a name?
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.

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Opera for peanuts
A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, “If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots.”

“Oh yes,” says the bartender. “How are you going to do that?” The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.

“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “Have you got anything else?”

The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along – sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.

The bartender is delighted.“I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?” he asks.

The man shook his head no. “Will you sell just one then?” asks the bartender.

“OK, I’ll sell you the parrot for $100” the man says.

The bartender is delighted and hands over the money.

Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, “You’re a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100”. “No I’m not,” the man replied. “The hamster is a ventriloquist”!!!

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In court
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot
when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted,
he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes,
I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
“If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for
contempt!”

10858001_10152908615806740_9051095730437155016_nMile High Club
The aircraft was on its final approach and after making his announcement to the passengers, the captain forgot to switch off the PA system.

‘As soon as we land I am going to have a cold beer and then make passionate love to that red-headed flight attendant.’

The flight attendant in question was shocked and began a hurried dash to the cockpit before anything else incriminating was revealed.

She was in such a hurry that she tripped over a suitcase sticking out into the aisle and fell in a heap. A little old lady leant over to her. ‘No need to rush dear,’ she said, ‘he said he was going to have a cold beer first.’

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Never underestimate the power of polo mints.
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something in the horse’s mouth just as a steward passed by.

‘What was that?’ inquired the steward.

‘Oh, nothing,’ said the trainer, ‘just a polo mint.’ He offered one to the steward. ‘Here, have one. And I’ll have one myself.’

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his riding instructions. ‘Just keep the horse on the rails. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the straight is either the steward or me.’

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 I am offline for a couple of days but please leave your comments for my return.. Please feel free to spread the smiles around.  Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Rewind – Eye Tests, Bake sales and Kissing Nuns.


 

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies’ group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom — a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn’t imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? “Oh, my,” she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP ‘d she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice’s horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “GOD is good.”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you Know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that whispered sweet nothings in my ear and dragged me into the back room of the bar?”

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, actually I’m your son’s math teacher.”

A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counsellor.

The counsellor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.

The counsellor then turns to the husband and says, “Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?”

 

 

A taxi driver picked up a nun. She noticed him watching in the rearview mirror after she got into the back seat. “Is something bothering you, my son?”

“I’m sorry, Sister. I’d rather not say.”

“Go on. I may be a nun, but I’ve heard a lot of things in my time.”

“I’ve had this fantasy, Sister, my whole life, of kissing a nun.”

“That’s alright, son. I can oblige, but I have two conditions. You must be Catholic and unmarried.

“I’m both of those, Sister.”

“Pull in there son.” She pointed to an alley.

Ten minutes later, they came out. The nun noticed the driver crying. “What is it, my son?”

“I lied, sister. I’m not Catholic; I’m Jewish and I’m married.”

“That’s alright, my son. I’m Kevin, and I’m going to a Halloween party.”

Hope you enjoyed the smiles… please pass them on. Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Confusion, Miscalculations and Bumper stickers.


Some reasons why foreigners find English confusing.

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

 

On the 1st Day…

On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

And the dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”

The Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”

Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”

So…. that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody

 

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach.”

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma

Enjoy the rest of the day and just remember age is just a number! You are as old as you feel, and 60 is the new 40….. if you believe all of that there is a group on Facebook called Age Deluded!

Posts From Your Archives – It’s not what you look at that matters, but what you see! by Carol Taylor


Welcome to more posts from YOUR archives rather than mine. An opportunity to share blog posts from your early days of blogging or that you feel you would like to share with a new audience.. Mine. You can find details at the end of the post.

In the Monday slot until Christmas is our food expert Carol Taylor who shares fantastic recipes using my favourite healthy ingredients every Wednesday.  This week a story about her father, who forgot he was supposed to be old in the heat of the moment.

It’s not what you look at that matters, but what you see! by Carol Taylor

That is true and I think to see through a childs eyes ..well….they see the wonders of the world in all innocence and with awe… don’t they? One of the comments this week on my blog was that the prelude to my novel was really scary and would give nightmares, so I have decided to show my versatility on a Thursday each week.

Just little stories which have come about from a memory or a word or a picture conjured when visiting a place. All different, I hope you enjoy and comments are invited

My Dad.

This is a tale based on one of the many memories I have of my dad who I loved very much and miss every day, I hope you enjoy it

Sinking into the sofa with a well deserved glass of wine. I gave a long sigh, home at last.

Raising the glass to my lips, the bloody phone rang. Letting it ring I realized they definitely were not going to hang up.

“Hello who is it? “

“Mummy”

Hi Mummy, how are you?”

“I’m fine”

Whooooo that definitely wasn’t her I’m fine voice.“What’s dad done now?”

“You would never guess. That stupid man went into the garden still in his slippers. The grass was all white and frosty. How he didn’t fall I just don’t know. Saw the squirrels raiding his bird seed holders. Again! Then threw his walking stick at them, of course it missed and went flying over the wall”

“Oh dear mummy he didn’t fall over did he? “

“Fall! That stupid man went down the bottom of the garden to get his ladder from the barn.Took it down the path to the wall and dropped it over the other side of the wall”

“Oh no, I gasped, that’s at least a 6ft drop between those two walls and such a narrow gap between the wall and the next building, only about 2 feet. What’s happened?”

“Oh well that man has mush for brains. He only climbed over the wall, down the other side, picked up his stick and climbed back up .I came out of the back door just as he cocked his leg back over the wall. Men!”

“Oh no, I was horrified at the thought it conjured up in my mind.

“And then, just to top it all he slipped on the frosty grass”

“He didn’t hurt himself, did he?”

“Hurt Himself! Hurt Himself! “He just sat there laughing. Did he not realize that if he had got stuck I couldn’t have lifted him out? Michael and Suzy next door are on holiday. I would have had to call the Fire Brigade.”

Laughing I pictured my dad. My mother however did not find it at all funny.

“Carol! Stop laughing. He really could have hurt himself. No one would think he was 76 he acts like a 5-year-old at times”

I stifled my laughter.

Thanks to Carol for sharing her memories of her father and even at my tender age of 64 I sometimes forget that the mind is willing but the body has other ideas.

About Carol Taylor

Enjoying life in The Land Of Smiles I am having so much fun researching, finding new, authentic recipes both Thai and International to share with you. New recipes gleaned from those who I have met on my travels or are just passing through and stopped for a while. I hope you enjoy them.

I love shopping at the local markets, finding fresh, natural ingredients, new strange fruits and vegetables ones I have never seen or cooked with. I am generally the only European person and attract much attention and I love to try what I am offered and when I smile and say Aroy or Saab as it is here in the north I am met with much smiling.

Some of my recipes may not be in line with traditional ingredients and methods of cooking but are recipes I know and have become to love and maybe if you dare to try you will too. You will always get more than just a recipe from me as I love to research and find out what other properties the ingredients I use have to improve our health and wellbeing.

Exciting for me hence the title of my blog, Retired No One Told Me! I am having a wonderful ride and don’t want to get off, so if you wish to follow me on my adventures, then welcome! I hope you enjoy the ride also and if it encourages you to take a step into the unknown or untried, you know you want to…….Then, I will be happy!

Connect to Carol

Blog: https://blondieaka.wordpress.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheRealCarolT
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/carol.taylor.1422

Please feel free to share thanks Sally

If you have missed previous posts in the Cook from Scratch series you can find them here: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/cook-from-scratch-with-sally-and-carol-recipes/

If you would like to share some of your archive posts from when you began blogging, then please send up to four links to sally.cronin@moyhill.com.. If you enjoy the experience then of course will be delighted to share more.

 

Smorgasbord Round Weekly Round Up – Sir Tom Jones, King Arthur, Brussel Sprouts and Author Media Training


Welcome to the weekly round up where I share my posts from the week and also those of my guests. Those guests are providing a much valued different perspective on topics that I might not cover normally and I thank them so much for their work and time that they spend creating their posts.

Also news of some new ways to promote your books and blog this week and tomorrow the start of the new Sunday Interview show… The Ultimate Bucket List and to show you how it will look… our foodie guest writer Carol Taylor volunteered to be the first victim guest……going out just after midnight.

Resident musical director – William Price King is back with a new music series… the every youthful and dynamic Sir Tom Jones, and this week in the early years, William shares some of his early influences and hits.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/13/william-price-king-meets-some-legends-sir-tom-jones-the-early-years/

Paul Andruss tackles the legend of King Arthur this week which is not an easy thing to do. As you will read, Arthur has been a pawn in other Kings and Emperor’s claims to their position and there might have been a few pretenders along the way too.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/15/writer-in-residence-arthur-king-or-pawn-by-paul-andruss/

Julie Lawford has been with us over the summer with some excellent posts on lifestyle and weight loss and I hope that in the future she will find time to donate some of her archived posts again. This week Julie shares some useful links to healthy living sites and some videos that are worth watching.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/14/smorgasbord-health-2017-guest-writer-julie-lawford-dietary-heresy-or-new-wisdom-functional-medicine-sugar-fat-carbs-cholesterol/

Carol Taylor has been adding her special blend of spices and love of fresh produce to the foods that I have showcased in the past as being particularly healthy.. Sally and Carol’s Cook from Scratch is going from strength to strength and we are grateful for you likes, shares and comments. This week the little powerhouse of nutrition… Brussel sprouts.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/13/smorgasbord-health-2017-cook-from-scratch-with-sally-and-carol-taylor-brussel-sprouts/

 

 

And in the new series of Posts from your Archives, Pete Johnson from Beetley Pete starts a four week series on posts from his stash. In this post you will also find out how you can participate by giving posts that you would like to share with a new audience a showcase. Look forward to hearing from you.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/12/new-series-posts-from-your-archives-guest-pete-johnson-with-going-to-the-pictures/

Milestones along the Way by Geoff Cronin

Last weekend we came to the end of my late father-in-law Geoff’s books with the love story of how Geoff and Joan, his wife of 50 years met.  All his stories are in the directory for you to revisit. https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/books-by-geoff-cronin/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/10/milestones-along-the-way-how-i-met-her-by-geoff-cronin/

Odd Jobs and Characters – Public House Landlady my host Chris the Story Reading Ape.

This week some challenges in my role as landlady of a pub in Cowes on the Isle of Wight with rather over the top customers courtesy of the ‘booze cruises’ on Saturday nights – Read all about it: https://thestoryreadingapeblog.com/2017/09/11/reserved-for-sally-cronin/

New Series – Media Training for Authors.

I have been an Indie author for 20 years and without a massive budget behind me to get noticed, I had to push open a few doors myself. For most of it is very hard to self-promote, even for someone like myself, who have a background in public speaking at conferences and major events.

We have a tendency to think global with our marketing because we have access to the world via the Internet. But I have always sold more books, especially print books by creating a market in my local environment. When I first began marketing my books there was no Amazon, worldwide web or global readership to the same extent and we relied on local media picking up the story. This sometimes led to nationals then taking an interest. That is how it worked with my first book Size Matters and I enjoyed both local and national coverage. The same applied to my family health book – Just Food for Health that sold well at book fairs, health events and summer fetes.

Most authors that I speak to are seeking international recognition for their work and to become a bestseller. But, there is no harm in getting some much needed experience locally first, before stepping onto the worldwide stage. One reason being, that most national radio stations and media, will be looking to interview authors who have had some experience of being behind a microphone or in front of a camera.  I have adapted my media training course to focus on authors and book marketing.

Here are the first two posts with more tomorrow and next weekend.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/15/media-training-for-authors-introduction-dont-be-shy/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/16/media-training-for-authors-getting-a-foot-in-the-door-press-releases-and-door-knocking-2/

Book Promotions

Sally’s Cafe and Bookstore – Author Update

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/11/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-update-sue-coletta-j-e-spina-and-c-s-boyack/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/15/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-author-update-dan-alatorre-and-various-authors-john-nicholl-and-lucinda-e-clarke/

Air Your Reviews – share your most recent rave review with everyone..

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/12/smorgasbord-book-promotion-air-your-reviews-jena-c-henry-chuck-jackson-and-deborah-jay/

Thomas the Rhymer Paul Andruss

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/14/smorgasbord-book-promotion-air-your-reviews-paul-andruss-d-wallace-peach-and-christina-steinner/

Blog Promotions – The Blogger Daily now on hold for next week (writing break)

Smorgasbord Blogger Daily

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/11/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-monday-11th-september-2017-patrick-dykie-terri-webster-schrandt-van-by-the-river-annette-rochelle-aben-robbie-cheadle-and-traci-kenworth/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/12/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-tuesday-12th-september-2017-d-g-kaye-sue-vincents-c-skillman-alethea-kehas-and-gary-loggins/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/13/smorgasbord-blogger-daily-wednesday-september-13th-2017-madelyn-griffith-haynie-janice-spina-and-the-non-smoking-lady-bug/

Smorgasbord Health 2017

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/11/smorgasbord-health-2017-a-z-of-common-conditions-chicken-pox-and-shingles-a-double-act/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/12/smorgasbord-health-2017-the-soda-stream-worth-125-billion-dollars-a-year-at-the-cost-of-your-health-2/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/13/smorgasbord-health-2017-rewind-food-safety-toxoplasma-gondii-cats-and-other-carriers/

Smorgasbord Pet Health

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/14/smorgasbord-pet-health-allergies-fleas-and-benefits-of-raw-food-diest-for-dogs-and-cats/

Humour

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/12/smorgasbord-laughter-academy-lifes-great-truths-and-some-snippets/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/11/the-afternoon-video-rewind-the-most-graceful-dog-dancing-i-have-seen/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/13/afternoon-video-rewind-you-can-lead-a-dog-to-water-bath-time/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/15/afternoon-video-rewind-cats-vs-flip-flops-shared-by-n-a-granger/

Personal Stuff

I underwent a procedure this week that was long overdue.. the process prompted a poem!

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/09/12/smorgasbord-poetry-farewell-to-colourful-friends-by-sally-cronin-2/

Thank you very much for dropping in this week and as always very grateful to see you and get your feedback. Enjoy the rest of the weekend… thanks Sally.

Afternoon Video Rewind – Cats Vs. Flip Flops shared by N.A. Granger


Noelle Granger spotted this and sent me the link two years ago.. If you are not already following Noelle and Sayling Away here is the link https://saylingaway.wordpress.com/ and you can find details for her books at http://www.amazon.com/N.A.-Granger/e/B00DN6I8GQ

Here is cats vs. flipflops

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – One Liners – Part Six and some Snippets


Welcome to the last of the one liners… along with images drawn by young children that confirm the expression ‘Out of the mouths of babes!’

1.Experience is a wonderful thing – it enables you to recognize a mistake when
you make it again.

2.After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history.

3.Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

4.Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?

5.I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

6.If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

7.All the world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.

8.I am in shape. Round is a shape.

9.Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

10.Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

11.I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

12.I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

13.The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.

15.I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

16.No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

17.Quoting one is plagiarism…quoting many is research.

18.If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

19.I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

20.Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

21.The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

22.You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

23.I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

24.Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

25.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

26.I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

27.I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

28.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.

29.I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

30.How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I hope these made you chuckle and feel free to pass them on… thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – One Liners Part Five and some snippets.


I am sharing this post from July 2016… I know that some of you commented at the time but hope time has dulled your memory as much as mine!  I have also included some funnies from Facebook that I have pinched over the last few weeks.

Time for part five of the one-liners..I am hoping that I am not repeating any but the odd one might slip through and be noted by the more eagle-eyed of you..  enjoy.

1. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
2. He who hesitates is boss.
3. As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
4. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
6. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

7. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
8. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
9. Movie related foods (Maltesers, Buttered Popcorn, ice-cream cornets, choc ices, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
10. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
11. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
12. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.

 

 

13. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles
14. Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
15. Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
16. Drawing on my fine command of language, I’ll say nothing.
17. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
18. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

19. You know you drink too much coffee if you help your dog chase its tail.
20. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
21. Grow your own dope, plant a man
22. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
23. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
24. Time is the best teacher…unfortunately it kills all of its students.

25. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
26. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
27. Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
28. Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
29. You have the right to remain silent – anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
30. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Thank you for dropping by and hope you enjoyed.. please feel free to pass them on.. Thanks Sally