Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – TGI Friday – host Sally Cronin


It has been one of those weeks when even the weather doesn’t know what is doing…90 degrees at lunchtime and violent thunderstorms for four hours during the night. This turmoil is reflected in the headlines, with computer equipment, global leadership,and relationships.

Thank goodness they can’t take away our sense of humour….

Thanks for dropping by today and I hope that you are leaving with a smile on your face.. enjoy the weekend..thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Open Mic Night 19th June- More humour from the senior team


My sister Diana and her friends have been passing around the funnies again this week and here are a few for you to enjoy.

And now for some more bad ‘Dad Jokes’ from David Cronin….please no groaning from the balcony….

Why are SKELETONS so calm
Because nothing gets under their skin.
===

Why aren’t KOALAS bears
They don’t meet the koalafications.
===
Want to hear a JOKE about cats
Just kitten!
===
I wanted to buy a pair of CAMOUFLAGE pants
but I couldn’t find them anywhere!
===
Why was the CAT asked to leave the COMPUTER store
He wouldn’t stop playing with the mouse.
===
What did the KANGAROO say when her baby was kidnapped
“Someone help me catch that pickpocket!”
===
Why don’t BANKS allow kangaroos to open accounts
Because their checks always bounce.
===
Why do OCEANS never go out of style
They’re always current.
===
One day I was in the park wondering why Frisbees get BIGGER . . .
and then it hit me.
===
Which letter has THE MOST water in it
The C.
===
Have you heard the joke about the GIANT
Never mind; it’s over your head.
===
What did the FISH say when he swam into a wall
“Dam.”
===
What do you call a BEE with a QUIET buzz
A mumblebee.

Thanks for joining us and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…thanks Sally and the team..

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June 11th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US AndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. Writes Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

And now a joke or two from Sally…

Confusion reigns…

A police officer at a speed trap pulls over a car he clocks creeping along at 22 miles per hour.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are four old ladies inside — two in the front seat and two in the back, the three passengers all wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I was going the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but driving significantly slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: 22 miles an hour!” the old woman explains.

Chuckling, the officer explains to her that “22” is the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks him for pointing out her error.

Before he lets them go, the policeman asks, “Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.”

“Oh,” the driver replies, “they’ll be all right in a minute. We just got off Route 148.”

Sons and their mothers..

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing and boasting about their sons.

‘My Jack,’ said Lily, is such a wonderful boy, each week he visits me for two hours and brings me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.  Once a month he takes me out to a restaurant for Sunday lunch and anything I need, I just have to mention it and it is there.

‘Well’, said Mary a little tartly. ‘My Angus lives with me and every morning brings up a tray to my room with a fully cooked breakfast and a pot of tea with a white rose in a bud vase. He comes home from work every day to make me soup and a sandwich and then in the evening we watch television with a wonderful supper he has prepared’.

Molly held up her hand and smiled smugly at her friends. ‘I don’t want to take away from your love for your sons and what they do for you but I think that my son Michael is the king of sons. Three times a week he pays someone £150 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them about me.. and only me!’

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June 4th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

And now a joke or two from Sally….stop me if you have heard them before….

Be careful what you wish for…

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

“That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says he man

“Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress… “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Thanks for dropping by and we hope you are laughing as much as this baby is over the simple things in life.. Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June 2nd 2020 – Host Debby Gies and Guest Balroop Singh


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some poetry that was suggested by Balroop Singh

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

And now a poem that Balroop Singh thought we would enjoy….The Irish always did have a way with words.


*The Mirror*

(Edmund Burke 1729-1797,
Irish Philosopher)

I look in the mirror
And what do I see
A strange looking person
That cannot be me.

For, I am much younger
And not nearly so fat
As that face in the mirror
I am looking at.

Oh, where are the mirrors
That I used to know
Like the ones which were
Made thirty years ago

Now all things have changed
And I’m sure you’ll agree
Mirrors are not as good
As they used to be.

So never be concerned,
If wrinkles/ extra flab appear
For one thing I’ve learned
Which is very clear,

Should your complexion
Be less than perfection,
It is really the mirror
That needs correction.
😊

Balroop Singh, Buy: Amazon US – and : Amazon UK – Follow Balroop on: Goodreads – blog:Balroop Singh on WordPress

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Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby, Balroop and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – May 12th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. Writes Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

And now a joke or two from Sally….stop me if you have heard them before….

Salesmanship

Sid was told if he did not sell more toothbrushes he would be fired. One month later his sales record had soared and his manager called him in to explain the dramatic turnaround.

Sid explained that he had got tired of calling at pharmacies and had set up a little stall at the main train station with some crackers and a new dip.

‘Try my dip,’ he would say, and a constant stream of people did so. When they enquired about the ingredients of the dip, Sid told them: ‘Garlic and Chicken poop!’

They would go ‘Aaaargh!’ and spit it out.

Then Sid would say: ‘Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’

Some one liners…

  • Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
  • Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
  • I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  • A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
  • I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
  • My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  • A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
  • Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.
  • A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face..thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and some jokes from Sally


Firstly, with the results of sleuthing on the Internet are some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some jokes from Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Whenever there is a trouble for the human race, those with a sense of humour will do their best to still make us smile and many thanks to those who take the time to create these funnies for us.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

And now a joke or two from Sally…..stop me if you have heard them before….

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.” (This one is dear to my heart)

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

At the Dentist.

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear

‘Open Wider,’ requested the dentist as he began his examination.

‘Good heavens,’ he said astonished. ‘You have the biggest cavity I have ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.

‘Ok no need to rub it in by repeating yourself.’ said the patient. ‘I am scared enough as it is.’

‘I’m not repeating myself,’ replied the dentist. ‘That was the echo.’

 

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.

Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. They went right though it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh my, am I driving?”

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


Debby Gies D.G. Kaye Writer Blog  and I are delighted to keep finding new material to make you laugh but we are very happy if you would like to join in and share your humour too..

If you would like to share your favourite joke.. and get a plug in for your blog or books.. then email it to me at sally.cronin@moyhill.com (this is a family show!)

My thanks to Debby for finding the funnies…please give her a round of applause

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USAndAmazon UK    BlogD.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on SmorgasbordD.G. Kaye Explores the Realm of Relationships

And a joke from my archives…

Some of life’s observations

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me … they’re cramming for their final exam.

Thank you for joining us today and as always we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally.


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

And now time for a joke from my archives.

Before you open a line of questioning…. don’t be surprised about what you may find out!

A woman asked her husband if he would marry again if she died. He gave the matter some thought  and then declared that ‘yes’ he would.

‘And would you give your new wife my jewellery?’ After some thought he said ‘yes.’

‘And my mink coat?’… ‘Yes.’

‘And what about my golf clubs?’

‘No, I wouldn’t.’

‘Why not if you would give her my lovely jewellery and my favourite fur coad?’.

‘Because she’s left handed.’

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Posts from Your Archives – #New Bloggers on the Scene -The Case of the Missing Sock (Humour on the craft of writing) by Linda Thompson


This series of Posts from Your Archives is exclusively for blogs that are under a year old. It is an opportunity to meet new readers and to show off your writing skills.. All the details are in this post along with some tips on how to make your blog more reader friendly.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2019/08/28/new-series-smorgasbord-posts-from-your-archives-new-blogger-promotionand-setting-up-your-blog-for-accessibility-readability-and-sharing/

Delighted to showcase another new blogger on the scene… meet Linda Thompson who blogs about Life lessons. Through anecdotes, memories or stories (some funny, others serious), several posts are about lessons learned because of something that happened in her life.

In Linda’s third post, she explores the phenomenon that is the mystery of the missing sock.. it is rampant in our household too and I suspect from all the mentions online that it is now an epidemic…

The Case of the Missing Sock

Every aspiring writer has heard the phrase “Write what you know.” That’s all well and fine but I often feel like I don’t “know” anything that’s interesting enough to share in writing. Then I realized that some of the most entertaining pieces I’ve read were about everyday things that we can all relate to. Take my routine this morning as I was getting ready for work.

At 7:30 am I was feeling quite proud of myself. One of my resolutions this year is to get things organized the night before a workday so I am not chasing my tail. Today, my lunch was made and waiting for me in the fridge, my clothes had been ironed the night before and I was having a perfectly pleasant morning. All I had left to do was brush my teeth, put on my socks and shoes and I was good to go. And then it happened. I could only find one of the socks that went with the outfit I planned to wear.

Socks go into the washing machine in perfect pairs, like the animals on Noah’s Ark. But how often does only one come out? I’d be willing to bet it’s happened to all of us, which means it happens a lot. Where does the other one go? And what are we supposed to do with one sock?

Always an optimist, I save them in a “sock” drawer, hoping the partners will find their way home. The drawer is like a global village of socks living together in perfect harmony. Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder would be so proud. There is a black one with bold pink stripes; a light gray one; many different styles of white sport socks; a plain black one and even a Christmas sock. We humans could learn a thing or two about tolerance and acceptance from our sock drawers.

Some socks are happily reunited with their partners when they show up in the next load of clean laundry. There’s a certain satisfaction in delving into the sock drawer, plucking out a sock whose partner has turned up, folding them together and putting them in the drawer of matched socks, happily shared with underwear. Others turn up weeks later in my husband’s or children’s drawers. (Now why do they hang onto one sock they know isn’t theirs?) Others, sadly, never make it back.

But none of that was any help to me this morning. After a quick, frantic search through all my drawers, I waved the white flag. I quickly pulled on two different socks and replaced the shoes I had planned to wear with knee-high boots.

So there are two morals to this story: 1) Write what you know. The advice is sound and what you know could resonate with others, even if it seems trivial; 2) Don’t underestimate the power of a missing sock to mess up your morning.

©Linda Thompson 2019

About Linda

Writer, fundraiser, mother, wife, owner of one stubborn Canadian mare and one orange tabby and bona fide introvert who finds it easier to express herself in ink than out loud. For extroverts and Type A personalities, expressing themselves is a natural part of their charm and we mostly love them for it. It’s hard to know what goes on in the head of an introvert or how he/she perceives the world. Follow me to see the world through the eyes of this introvert and share your thoughts with me. Extroverts welcome too!

Connect to Linda

Blog: https://lindathompsonsite.wordpress.co
Twitter: https://twitter.com/inkplume

My thanks to Linda for allowing me to share her posts and I hope that you will head over to her blog to follow and enjoy her archives.. thanks Sally.