Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now time for a joke from my archives…

Many a word spoken in jest!

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing and boasting about their sons.

‘My Jack,’ said Lily, is such a wonderful boy, each week he visits me for two hours and brings me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.  Once a month he takes me out to a restaurant for Sunday lunch and anything I need, I just have to mention it and it is there.

‘Well’, said Mary a little tartly. ‘My Angus lives with me and every morning brings up a tray to my room with a fully cooked breakfast and a pot of tea with a white rose in a bud vase. He comes home from work every day to make me soup and a sandwich and then in the evening we watch television with a wonderful supper he has prepared’.

Molly held up her hand and smiled smugly at her friends. ‘I don’t want to take away from your love for your sons and what they do for you but I think that my son Michael is the king of sons. Three times a week he pays someone £150 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them about me.. and only me!’

We hope that you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks for dropping in Debby and Sally.

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Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Church Bake Sale, Bachelor parties and Tick Warning.


Church bake sale….

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies’ group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom — a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn’t imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? “Oh, my,” she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP ‘d she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice’s horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “GOD is good.”

Beer vs. Makeup

My wife told me we couldn’t afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.

Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn’t.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn’t necessary, that’s what the beer was for!

Besides, my beer was 40 bucks cheaper.

I don’t think she’s coming back…

Home Depot Lost and Found.

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide.  The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little worried.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts.  What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.

Somethings are better kept to yourself!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says,

“Do you Know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that wore the red tassles and sprayed me with whipped cream before coming back to my motel?

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, actually I’m your son’s math teacher.”

Do my eyes deceive me?

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid .Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

I hope you have enjoyed and please feel free to pass on the laughter. Thanks Sally