Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Truisms and life’s little wrinkles


Knowledge and Faith

Father O’Grady was preaching the difference between knowledge and faith.

‘In the front row we have Teresa and Shamus with their six children,’ he said. ‘Teresa knows they are her children. That’s knowledge. Shamus believes they are his children. That’s faith.’

Restaurants.

There is a Mongolian-Jewish restaurant. It’s called Genghis Cohen..

******

Two crayfish in a restaurant’s aquarium realised that this would probably be their last night together. The male started kissing and cuddling the female. She said: ‘Okay, but will you still respect me in the mornay?’

******

A Scot, Irishman and an Englishman were dining together in a restaurant. When the waiter cleared away the coffee the Scot was heard to ask for the bill.

Next day the newspaper headlines declared: Irish Ventriloquist shot in restaurant.

Salesmanship

Sid was told if he did not sell more toothbrushes he would be fired. One month later his sales record had soared and his manager called him in to explain the dramatic turnaround.

Sid explained that he had got tired of calling at pharmacies and had set up a little stall at the main train station with some crackers and a new dip.

‘Try my dip,’ he would say, and a constant stream of people did so. When they enquired about the ingredients of the dip, Sid told them: ‘Garlic and Chicken poop!’

They would go ‘Aaaargh!’ and spit it out.

Then Sid would say: ‘Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’

Never look a gift Porsche in the mouth…..

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to fuss,“Where did you get that car???!!!”He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

So the parents began to panic and asked.“Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they said.“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name; they just moved in.She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh, my goodness,” moaned the mother to the boy’s father, “John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. The secretary took his money and left him after they had arrived. He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded.

He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

Thanks for dropping in today and hope you have enjoyed.. Please feel free to pass along.. Sally.

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Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – #Images to make you smile and a Joke!


Over the next couple of weeks I will be sharing some of the funny images that I have accumulated in my laughter folders…..with the old snippet from the jokes file.

And the last word…..

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.  No, it’s actually worse than that. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, “Pay me in advance.”

Hope you have enjoyed the smiles.. and please feel free to pass them on… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – #Images to Make you Smile – and a joke!


Over the next couple of weeks I will be sharing some of the funny images that I have accumulated in my laughter folders…..with the old snippet from the jokes file.

And the last word…..

A nutritionist was addressing a large audience. “The food that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake”

Hope you have enjoyed the smiles.. and please feel free to pass them on… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian and Egyptian Mummies, Vaseline and Engineers!


Guest Comedian.

Delighted that Linda Bethea responded to my invitation to share some of her favourite jokes with us and she has kindly contributed the first two.. If you have some you would like to contribute with a credit… then please email sally.cronin@moyhill.com

Linda is an author in the bookstore

Linda Bethea, Buy: https://www.amazon.com/Linda-Swain-Bethea/e/B01N5HA5C1
Blog: https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/

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The crowds had been packing the traveling tent revival every night that week, grateful offerings filling the pockets of the evangelist. Cure after cure was enacted in the sweltering heat of those July evenings. Emotions were at an all time high on the last night as the last two afflicted souls reached the evangelist at the front of the tent.

Struggling up the steps on her crutches poor Mrs. Smith hobbled up to the evangelist. “Heal me! I haven’t been able to walk without crutches in twenty years.”

“Yes, Sister! You will be healed! Go behind that curtain and wait with the others waiting for healing.” Mrs. Smith slowly and painfully made her way behind the curtain.

Johnny Jones was the last in line. “I have a lifth. It hath made my life awful. Pleath heal me of my lifth!”

“Yes, Brother! You will be healed! Go behind the curtain with all the others and you will all be healed at once.”

The evangelist offered up a long, heartfelt prayer for healing. Weeping could be heard all over the tent. Finally, he concluded, calling out dramatically. “Mrs. Smith, you haven’t been able to walk without crutches for twenty years, have you?”

“No, Lord!” she replied from behind the curtain.

“You are healed! Throw your right crutch over the curtain.” Her right crutch flew over the curtain and clattered on the floor. “Now throw your left crutch over the curtain.” The left crutch followed.

Thunderous “Amens!” echoed all over the tent.

“Johnny Jones, you are healed of your lisp. Call out to us in a loud, clear voice so all can hear!” demanded the evangelist!

“Mithuth Thmith just fell on her ath!”

And Linda hubby’s favorite:

Two Englishmen met in the pub one evening.
“I’m sorry to hear you buried your wife,” said the first.

“Had to,” answered the other. “Dead, you know.”

Thanks Linda…and you will find a great deal more humour over on her website: https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/

Now from the resident comedian!

 

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious museum.

“I’ve just found a 3,000 year old mummy,” said the archaeologist. “It’s a man who died of heart failure.”

“Bring it in,” said the curator. “We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were exactly right about the mummy’s age and cause of death,” he said. “How in the world did you know?”

“Easy,” the archaeologist replied. “He was holding a piece of papyrus that said ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath.’”

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

“We use it when make love.”

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”

The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.”

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, “Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse”

Help yourself to a pupcake on your way out.. take two if you hit a share button…..thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Some things are not as they seem! #Jokes


Welcome to the first of the laughter lines this week and please feel free to pitch in and send you own favourite jokes to me… You get a credit with a link to your blog or Amazon book page!!!  Remember this is a family show… and email me on sally.cronin@moyhill.com… I could use some new material..

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse — a very long shot — won the race.

Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I’ve lost all my savings!”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with Protestants — you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.

But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “If I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.” The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, comfortable.”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s a blonde. She’ll read it slowly.”

Don’t forget to send me your favourite jokes and get a link back to your blog or Amazon Author Page… sally.cronin@moyhill.com  thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Out of the mouths of Babes.


I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. -Gregory, Age 5

Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. -Olive, Age 9

It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven. And then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. -Matthew, Age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. -Mitchell, Age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science. -Henry, Age 8

Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows. -Jack, Age 6

Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -Daniel, Age 9

When an angel gets mad, she takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when she lets out her breath again, somewhere there’s a tornado. -Reagan, Age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. -Sara, Age 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his Son, who’s a very good carpenter. -Jared, Age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses, and boys didn’t go for it. -Antonio, Age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. -Ashley, Age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. – Vicki, Age 8

What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. -Sarah, Age 7

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked. “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”

A number of primary schools were doing a project on ‘The Sea.’ Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the ‘better’ ones:

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8 )

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

 

My thanks to Tina Frisco for unearthing some of these wonderful witticisms from the younger generation on the subject of angels.

Tina Frisco, Buy; https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY
Website: https://tinafrisco.com/

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A recent review for Vampyrie

A very different storyline in the vampire genre.Different, in a densely populated genre, is a good thing. But that’s not the main draw of this telling. It’s well-written and keeps you turning virtual pages. The characters are well-developed and believable. I knew I’d like it after the first few paragraphs. If you like a combination of horror, suspense and thriller, you’ll like this one. It even has a surprise twist that I didn’t see coming. I’m big on twists myself.

Hope you have enjoyed and please feel free to pass on the smiles… and if you have jokes you would like to share.. with a mention then email me on sally.cronin@moyhill.com

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Pearly Gate dilemmas, Finding the F’s and Passwords


Count the number of F’s in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it? OK? How many? Three?

Check at the end of the post!

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing and boasting about their sons.

‘My Jack,’ said Lily, is such a wonderful boy, each week he visits me for two hours and brings me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.  Once a month he takes me out to a restaurant for Sunday lunch and anything I need, I just have to mention it and it is there.

‘Well’, said Mary a little tartly. ‘My Angus lives with me and every morning brings up a tray to my room with a fully cooked breakfast and a pot of tea with a white rose in a bud vase. He comes home from work every day to make me soup and a sandwich and then in the evening we watch television with a wonderful supper he has prepared’.

Molly held up her hand and smiled smugly at her friends. ‘I don’t want to take away from your love for your sons and what they do for you but I think that my son Michael is the king of sons. Three times a week he pays someone £150 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them about me.. and only me!’

Passwords

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”

 

First Aid Course

At the weekly meeting of the Women’s Institute, one of the members was enthusing about the recent First Aid course she had attended. ‘It was a lucky thing that I went on that course,’ she said. ‘I was coming down the Hight Street yesterday when I heard a big crash behind me. I looked round and there was this poor chap who had been knocked down by a taxi. He was covered in blood, and he looked to have a broken and a compound fracture of the leg – an possibly a fractured skull. And then I remembered what I had learned on my First Aid course. So I bent over and put my head between my knees to stop myself from fainting.’

Answer to the Quick Eye Exam. – There are six – no joke! Read again!

Thanks for dropping in and I hope that you have enjoyed the laughter….Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – More One Liners and Snippets #Jokes


All the world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Quoting one is plagiarism…quoting many is research.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.

I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Thanks for dropping in and please feel free to share the smiles… Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One-Liners – Part Three.. 61 to 90 – Feel free to groan.


Here is the next set of one – liners – please feel free to groan!!

Part two can be found here: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/05/29/smorgasbord-laughter-lines-one-liners-marathon-part-two-31-60/

61. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

62. For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

63. I’m going to start thinking positive, but I know it won’t work.

64. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

65. You can’t have everything – where would you put it?

66. When you go into court you’re putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough get out of jury duty.

67. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

68. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

69. How can there be self-help “groups”?

70. If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

71. If you shouldn’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

72. Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

73. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

74. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

75. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

76. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

77. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

78. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

79. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

80. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

81. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

82. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

83. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

84. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

85. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

86. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

87. Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

88. He who hesitates is boss.

89. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

90. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

Thanks for dropping in today and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Last wishes, Quickies and Sports Injuries.


Last wish.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?”

“Aye, That he did, Father…”

“And what did he say?”

“He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…”

 

Quickies

A woman is showing off a huge diamond on her finger to her friends. ‘This is the Klopman diamond, worth millions,’ she tells them, ‘but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.’
‘What is the curse? ask her friends breathlessly. ‘Mr. Klopman.’

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There is so much sin around these days that the local church has put in two more confessionals.’Five items or less!’

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A police officer flags down an elderly driver and says, ‘Excuse me sir, didn’t you realise your wife fell out of the car three miles back?’

‘Thank God,’ the old man replies, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

Marketing

In an effort to boost sales United Airlines announced that for two weeks only, any business executive who travelled on a midweek flight could take his wife along with him for only 20% of the normal fare. In order to judge the success of this campaign, they emailed all the wives concerned, asking them if they had enjoyed their flights.

Ninety percent of the wives emailed back asking ‘What Flight?’

 

Sports injuries

Yesterday while leaving the tennis courts, I noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the fence. I picked the balls up, put them in my pocket, and proceeded on my way.

Walking toward my car, I noticed a beautiful blonde standing close by and smiling. “What are those big bulges in your tennis shorts?” she asked with a smile.. “Tennis balls.” I answered, smiling back.

“Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.

Things are not always what they seem……

While driving through the desert in New Mexico a woman’s car ran out of petrol. After a lengthy wait and becoming concerned that she would run out of water and never be found, she was delighted when a young Red Indian rode up on his horse. She sat behind him and was intrigued with his habit of letting a wild yell from time to time. She put it down to Indian whoops she had seen on the movies.

He dropped her off at a gas station with another ‘Ya-hoo’.

‘What was going on between you two?’ asked the gas station attendant as he prepared to drop her back to her car with a can of petrol.

‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘ I simply rode behind him with my arms around his waist holding onto the saddle horn.

‘Don’t you know that Indians ride bareback,’ he replied.

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I hope you have enjoyed today’s humour.. please pass the smiles on…. Sally