Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Dog Language and other canine behaviours.


It is Friday and time to let our hair down with a few visual aids.  Whilst the first one is cute, it is actually quite an important infographic that identifies your dogs body language..

And then there is this.

 

 

And completely unrelated because it made me laugh..

Have a great weekend…. don’t do anything that I wouldn’t.. Sally.

 

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Smorgasbord Laughter Academy -More observations on life from cowboys and cats.


Some bits and bobs today….

THE HENPECKED HUSBAND

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. “You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn’t wait to try the doctor’s advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes.

Tonight, I’m going out with the boys and you’re going to stay home where you belong. And another thing…you know who’s going to comb my hair, iron my pants, Polish my shoes and tie my tie?”

“I certainly do,” said his wife calmly,

“The undertaker.”

 

Some of life’s observations

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me … they’re cramming for their final exam.

 

An Old Ranchers advice

  • Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
  • Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
  • Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
  • A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
  • Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
  • Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
  • Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
  • Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
  • It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
  • You cannot unsay a cruel word.
  • Every path has a few puddles.
  • When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
  • The best sermons are lived, not preached.
  • Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen, anyway.
  • Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
  • Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  • Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
  • Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin ‘.
  • Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
  • The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
  • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
  • If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
  • http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/humerous/humorous_28.htm

Thanks for popping in and please feel free to share the smiles…. thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Life’s Great Truths and some Snippets


There are lessons to be learnt along our life’s path and here are a few that you might recognise.  And some funny snippets.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

 

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy.

 

 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

But don’t give up just yet… keep laughing and dancing and you could be doing this at 90.

I hope you have enjoyed and please feel free to pass along.. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – One Liners – Part Six and some Snippets


Welcome to the last of the one liners… along with images drawn by young children that confirm the expression ‘Out of the mouths of babes!’

1.Experience is a wonderful thing – it enables you to recognize a mistake when
you make it again.

2.After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history.

3.Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

4.Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?

5.I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

6.If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

7.All the world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.

8.I am in shape. Round is a shape.

9.Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

10.Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

11.I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

12.I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

13.The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.

15.I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

16.No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

17.Quoting one is plagiarism…quoting many is research.

18.If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

19.I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

20.Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

21.The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

22.You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

23.I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

24.Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

25.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

26.I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

27.I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

28.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.

29.I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

30.How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I hope these made you chuckle and feel free to pass them on… thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – One Liners Part Five and some snippets.


I am sharing this post from July 2016… I know that some of you commented at the time but hope time has dulled your memory as much as mine!  I have also included some funnies from Facebook that I have pinched over the last few weeks.

Time for part five of the one-liners..I am hoping that I am not repeating any but the odd one might slip through and be noted by the more eagle-eyed of you..  enjoy.

1. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
2. He who hesitates is boss.
3. As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
4. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
6. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

7. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
8. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
9. Movie related foods (Maltesers, Buttered Popcorn, ice-cream cornets, choc ices, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
10. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
11. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
12. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.

 

 

13. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles
14. Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
15. Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
16. Drawing on my fine command of language, I’ll say nothing.
17. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
18. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

19. You know you drink too much coffee if you help your dog chase its tail.
20. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
21. Grow your own dope, plant a man
22. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
23. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
24. Time is the best teacher…unfortunately it kills all of its students.

25. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
26. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
27. Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
28. Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
29. You have the right to remain silent – anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
30. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Thank you for dropping by and hope you enjoyed.. please feel free to pass them on.. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – A dip into the archives – dogs, cats and parrots!


I have been delving into the archives and have selected a few jokes that you might have missed or forgotten.. I have my sister here for her first visit to us in our new home in Ireland and I am teaching her how to avoid the puddles……

A couple of Quickies

A man had been contemplating the world’s population,

It’s amazing, he told his friend. Every time I breathe in and out someone dies.

Have you tried mouthwash said his friend

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common? ”

“It’s not unusual.”

dinasaurs

Let’s go cruising the high seas.

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise.” The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

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Wayward Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

They say, “Hi, we’re good time girls! Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. “You know”, he said, “I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying… that phrase…in no time.”

“Thank you”, the woman responded, “this may very well be the
solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re good time girls! Do you want to have some fun?”

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.”

Giving the dog a proper send off.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

catsHave a great weekend.. I will be popping in from time to time to check you are behaving yourselves… don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do!  thanks Sally

 

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – One Liners to make you Ponder – Part Two


I make no apologies for these one liners… only 333 to go!!!

Part one can be found here: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2017/08/22/laughter-the-best-medicine-one-liners-part-one/

31.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

32.Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

33.Two wrongs are only the beginning.

34.The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

35.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

36.Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

37.Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

38.Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.

39.If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

40.How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

41.If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what’s the speed of darkness?

42.Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

43.Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

44.”When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather–not screamin like the passengers in his car.”

45.A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

46.It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

47.I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

48.I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

49.I’m so ugly… My father carried around a picture of a kid that came with his wallet.

50.When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”

51.I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.

52.I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

53.My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

54.I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

55.I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

56.What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

57.Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

58.My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

59.It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

60.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Thanks for dropping by..  feel free to pass them on and Part Three next Tuesday.. Part One can be found in the archive for Tuesday.

 

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – One Liners to make you ponder – Part one!


I shared these last year in June over several posts and since many of you are new to the blog or may have short memories they are going to do the rounds again.. I originally had 500 but by the time I took some of the more adult ones out… I was left with around 200. More to follow every couple of days.. Store them up for office parties….

Here is the first lot.

1.When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

2.His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

3.Pat and Kieran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said “I’m taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?” The other one said “Two rattlesnakes!”

4.Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish

5.Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and lands in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it’s just as well we got out of that field.

6.Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. “Faith, Mike, we’ve stumbled into the graveyard and here’s the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!” “Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?” “No, ’twas someone named ‘Miles from Dublin’!”

7.Twas the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots haven’t gotten the joke yet!!”

8.One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

9.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

10.42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

11.99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

12.If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

13.Honk if you love peace and quiet.

14.Remember half the people you know are below average.

15.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16.He who laughs last thinks slowest.

17.The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18.I intend to live forever – so far so good.

19.Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

20.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21.Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

22.Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

23.If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24.Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

25.For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

26.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

27.No one is listening until you make a mistake.

28.Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

29.The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

30.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I hope you enjoyed and please feel free to pass them along..Sally more coming up on Thursday.

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – Doctors, Dentists, Driving and Double Glazing


 

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.” (This one is dear to my heart)

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

 

At the Dentist.

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear

‘Open Wider,’ requested the dentist as he began his examination.

‘Good heavens,’ he said astonished. ‘You have the biggest cavity I have ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.

‘Ok no need to rub it in by repeating yourself.’ said the patient. ‘I am scared enough as it is.’

‘I’m not repeating myself,’ replied the dentist. ‘That was the echo.’

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.

Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. They went right though it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh my, am I driving?”

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind.

But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year.
He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn’t called back.
Guess he was embarrassed.

Thanks for dropping by and if you have a joke that you would like to share with full credit, then please email me sally.cronin@moyhill.com thanks Sally