Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – Doctors, Dentists, Driving and Double Glazing


 

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.” (This one is dear to my heart)

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

 

At the Dentist.

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novacaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.” The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear

‘Open Wider,’ requested the dentist as he began his examination.

‘Good heavens,’ he said astonished. ‘You have the biggest cavity I have ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.

‘Ok no need to rub it in by repeating yourself.’ said the patient. ‘I am scared enough as it is.’

‘I’m not repeating myself,’ replied the dentist. ‘That was the echo.’

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.

Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. They went right though it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh my, am I driving?”

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind.

But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year.
He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn’t called back.
Guess he was embarrassed.

Thanks for dropping by and if you have a joke that you would like to share with full credit, then please email me sally.cronin@moyhill.com thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Shaggy Dog Stories from around the world.


We all love our dogs and there are books, blogs and poetry devoted to them.. Here are a few of what are known as Shaggy Dog Stories.

From Australia

Whenever two drovers get together, there is the inevitable argument about who has the best kelpie sheep dog. So the merits of their respective dogs was the subject of the debate at the bar.

‘My dog’s so smart,’ said one, ‘ I can give him five instructions at the same time and he will carry them out to perfection.

‘That’s nothing,’ said his mate. ‘I only have to whistle and point and Bluey anticipates the whole exercise.

Finally they decided to put their dogs to the test. The first drover whistled his dog and told him to dash to the saleyards, select the oldest ram, bring him back into town and load it into the ute which was parked outside the pub.

The dog sped off in a cloud of dust and ten minutes later was seen bringing a large ram down the main street. He jumped into the ute, dropped the tail gate and hunted the ram in.

‘Well that’s not bad,’ conceded the second drover. ‘ But watch this.’

‘Bluey, what about some tucker?’

In a cloud of dust Bluey streaked down the main street to a farm five kilometres from town. The dog raced into the chook house, nudged a hen off the nest and gently picked up an egg.

The dog then sped back to town and gently placed the egg at his master’s feet. But without waiting for a pat on the head, the dog gathered a few sticks and lit a fire, grabbed a billy in his teeth and dashed to the creek. Returned and set the billy on the fire and gently dropped the egg into the simmering water.

After exactly three minutes, Bluey rolled the billy off the fire, laid the boiled egg at his master’s feet and stood on his head.

‘Well that beats all,’ conceded the first drover, ‘but why is he standing on his head?’

‘Well he knows I haven’t got an egg cup,’ said the proud owner.

From Ireland

An Irishman Patrick Flanagan was walking his Irish Setter in the countryside. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back.

Patrick then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Patrick then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Patrick was astounded. He couldn’t believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog’s wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Patrick dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water’s edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it’s owner.

Once the Irish drunk saw that, he turned to Patrick and said; “Why that’s great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?”

From France (and various other countries with various makes and models of dog.. )

A wealthy French lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged Poodle along for the company

One day the Poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doodoo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old Poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old Poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet,

Just when they get close enough to hear, the old Poodle says: “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Have a great weekend and please feel free to share the laughter. thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – “A Picture is worth a thousand words”


To end the week a few images from Facebook, past and present – have a great weekend..

Thanks to Peter Bateman.

Thanks to Judith Barrow

What were they thinking!

Going out with a Bang….

Under the Influence

 

I don’t have a problem either then!

 

Feel free to pass on the fun… thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Elderly logic, dating, pack behaviour and squirrels…from Tina Frisco


As I get back into blogging mode, Tina Frisco stepped up with some more of her classic laughs for your benefit…More about Tina after the post.

I have also raided the archives and found some images that you might enjoy…

Dog Pack Attacks Gator in Florida

At times, nature can be cruel. But there also is a raw beauty, and even a certain justice, manifested within that cruelty. The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators – normally considered the ‘apex predator’ – can fall victim to the canine’s survival-of-the-pack mentality, evidenced by the strategical team work of their tight-knit social structure.

See the remarkable photograph below, courtesy of Nature Magazine.

Note that the alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator, preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing, and a third dog attacks the soft underbelly.

Warning!
This is not for the squeamish!

Touching Story of an Old Woman

This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after a school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. One of the women had received a new radio as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family have passed away. I am all alone now, and it’s nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful, and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me, and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes


Squirrels vs Churches

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. They humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels returned when the Baptists took down their water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They circumcised the first squirrel and haven’t seen one since.

Dating Ads for Seniors, found in The Villages,
the Newspaper of a Florida Senior Retirement Community

FOX
Fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. —————————————————-

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. —————————————————-

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
—————————————————-

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
—————————————————-

BEATLES OR STONES
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
—————————————————-

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.


AND FINALLY…

A lady and gentleman in The Villages are sitting on benches opposite each other.

Lady: Are you new to the community?

Gentleman: No, I have owned a condo here for 20 years.

Lady: I have been here for 15 years, and I have never seen you around.

Gentleman: I have been in prison for the last 17 years!

She was stunned but finally asked him what he had done.

Gentleman: I murdered my first wife!

She was stunned again, but after a long pause . . .

Lady: So, you’re SINGLE?

About Tina Frisco

Tina Frisco is an author, singer-songwriter, RN, activist, and student of shamanism. Born in Pennsylvania USA, she attended nursing school in New York and lives in California. She began writing as a young child and received her first guitar at age 14, which launched her passion for music and songwriting. She has performed publicly in many different venues. Her publishing history includes book reviews; essays; articles in the field of medicine; her début novel, PLATEAU; her children’s book, GABBY AND THE QUADS; and her latest novel, VAMPYRIE. She enjoys writing, reading, music, dancing, arts and crafts, exploring nature, and frequently getting lost in working crossword puzzles.

Find out more about Tina Frisco, her books and read the reviews: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY

Here is how you can connect to Tina on her website and social media.

Website ~ http://tinafrisco.com
Amazon ~ http://hyperurl.co/3vme2a
Facebook ~ https://www.facebook.com/TinaFrisco.Author
Twitter ~ http://bit.ly/14VXY49
LinkedIn ~ http://linkd.in/1aAGwXl
Google+ ~ http://bit.ly/1Fc1Uzn
Goodreads ~ http://bit.ly/165vmVp

Thank you to Tina for her wonderful laffs and to you for dropping in and please feel free to share the smiles. Sally

Normal blog service will resume tomorrow.

 

Smorgasbord Time for Some Laffs -Things are not always what they seem…..


Things are not always what they seem……

While driving through the desert in New Mexico a woman’s car ran out of petrol. After a lengthy wait and becoming concerned that she would run out of water and never be found, she was delighted when a young Red Indian rode up on his horse. She sat behind him and was intrigued with his habit of letting a wild yell from time to time. She put it down to Indian whoops she had seen on the movies.

He dropped her off at a gas station with another ‘Ya-hoo’.

‘What was going on between you two?’ asked the gas station attendant as he prepared to drop her back to her car with a can of petrol.

‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘ I simply rode behind him with my arms around his waist holding onto the saddle horn.

‘Don’t you know that Indians ride bareback,’ he replied.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

An old man whose wife had recently passed away decided to place an obituary
in the local paper. He went to see the editor and was told it would cost £1 a word.
After turning out the contents of his pocket, the old man found £3 in loose change.
He wrote: “Doris Smith Dead”.

Seeing this, the editor felt so sorry for him he said; “For £3 you can have seven
words.” The old man thanked him and thought for a while.

Then he wrote: “Doris Smith Dead. Ford Focus for Sale”.

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “It’s his turn with the teeth.”

Keep smiling and pass them on.. Thanks Sally

 

 

Time for some Laffs – Ducks, Seniors and Boiled Eggs….Be Careful What you Wish For!


 

I have been clearing out the archives and I am sharing some of the most popular jokes from last year….plus some added pictorial reminders that some jobs are not all they are cracked up to be!

Watch out for ducks.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and, although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall with long eyelashes and very muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

 

 

Be careful what you wish for!

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre.

After the community sing-song led by Alice at the piano, It was time for the Star of the Show – Claude the Hypnotist.

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” Said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke.

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact

“S**T” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Centre

And Claude was never invited to entertain again.

And on the subject of……

An Aussie Drover’s story

Whenever two drovers get together, there is the inevitable argument about who has the best kelpie sheep dog. So the merits of their respective dogs was the subject of the debate at the bar.

‘My dog’s so smart,’ said one, ‘ I can give him five instructions at the same time and he will carry them out to perfection.

‘That’s nothing,’ said his mate. ‘I only have to whistle and point and Bluey anticipates the whole exercise.

Finally they decided to put their dogs to the test. The first drover whistled his dog and told him to dash to the saleyards, select the oldest ram, bring him back into town and load it into the ute which was parked outside the pub.

The dog sped off in a cloud of dust and ten minutes later was seen bringing a large ram down the main street. He jumped into the ute, dropped the tail gate and hunted the ram in.

‘Well that’s not bad,’ conceded the second drover. ‘ But watch this.’

‘Bluey, what about some tucker?’

In a cloud of dust Bluey streaked down the main street to a farm five kilometres from town. The dog raced into the chook house, nudged a hen off the nest and gently picked up an egg.

The dog then sped back to town and gently placed the egg at his master’s feet. But without waiting for a pat on the head, the dog gathered a few sticks and lit a fire, grabbed a billy in his teeth and dashed to the creek. Returned and set the billy on the fire and gently dropped the egg into the simmering water.

After exactly three minutes, Bluey rolled the billy off the fire, laid the boiled egg at his master’s feet and stood on his head.

‘Well that beats all,’ conceded the first drover, ‘but why is he standing on his head?’

‘Well he knows I haven’t got an egg cup,’ said the proud owner.

 

Time for some Laffs – Love makes the world go around and so does laughter


Love is universal but since time began the institution of marriage has provided comic relief….Here are few snippets on the subject.

Did you hear about the actor who got to play a man who’s been married for twenty years. Next time he hopes to get a speaking part!

☺☺☺

Two men are discussing what their wives think about them. The first man says. ‘My wife thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house.’

The second man says. ‘That’s nothing; my wife thinks I’m a God.’

‘She thinks you’re a god?’ replies the first man.’ What makes you say that?’

‘It’s obvious. Every night when I get home she places a burnt offering in front of me!’

☺☺☺

A very wealthy but miserly businessman died in an accident and when the lawyer read out the will his wife was astonished to discover that he insisted on all his money being buried with him.

On the day of the funeral as the family and friends gathered to pay their respects one of the wife’s friends stood with her arm about her.

“I understand that he wanted to be buried with all his money, how did you get it all in the coffin with him?”

The wife smiled sweetly.. “I gave him a cheque”

☺☺☺

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!”

☺☺☺

A woman is showing off a huge diamond on her finger to her friends. ‘This is the Klopman diamond, worth millions,’ she tells them, ‘but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.’

‘What is the curse? ask her friends breathlessly.   ‘Mr. Klopman.’

☺☺☺

A police officer flags down an elderly driver and says, ‘Excuse me sir, didn’t you realise your wife fell out of the car three miles back?’

‘Thank God,’ the old man replies, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

☺☺☺

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

☺☺☺

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?” The husband said, “No sweetie.” The woman said, “I’m sure you would.” So the man said, “Okay, I would” Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.” Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

☺☺☺

Want to hear an interesting story? Send a message to your wife:
“I know everything, how could you?”.

Time for some Laffs – The Double Entendre and a touch Risque!


Welcome to some laffs.. a little on the risque side as some might say.. or it might be your mind!  My thanks to a number of contibutors today who I hope won’t mind that I have taken their names in vain.. Enjoy..

Little Bruce and Little Jenny from Tina Frisco – https://tinafrisco.com/

Little Bruce and little Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love, and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without hesitating, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. “Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

 

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and its sequel has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now an alternative for men, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for
the men.

The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.

Here are some extracts………………………Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a
wall…
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was
the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want
with me.”
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes,
chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the
shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be
punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me
the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be
able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said,
gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

 Magic Potion courtesy of Alan Corkish -Facebook

On his 80th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an American Doctor who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband visited the Doctor who gave him some medicine in a bottle and warned,

“This is powerful medication. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the Doctor, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when those words are spoken, the medicine will not work again for six months.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: “1-2-3!”

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

THE MORAL: we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM courtesy of Bill Wolak Facebook

I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? *His last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? *At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? *Liquid ‎

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? *Marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? *Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? *Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple? *The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? *Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? *No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? *No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

And another by Bill Wolak – At the Pharmacy

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me? Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, now, does that taste sweet to you?”

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled,

“HELL NO!!!”

I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don’t care, because they aren’t very friendly there anymore

Please laugh responsibly and only pass to those who you know have a sense of humour!

Time for some Laffs – From around the usual haunts


laffs

Some more jokes from my email files and the archives.. Enjoy

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counsellor.

The counsellor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze.

The counsellor then turns to the husband and says, “Your wife is lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?”

Nymphomaniacs Conference

A man seated next to a beautiful woman on a plane. Eager to start a conversation, he asks”Business trip or holiday?”.

She smiles dazzlingly and tells him.” Business, I’m on my way to the annual nymphomanic conference in New York”

Trying to stay cool, the man asks “What’s your role at the conference?”

“Lecturer,” she says, I use my experience to debunk some of the myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” the man asks. And what are those?.

The beautiful woman explains “One is that African men are the most well endowed, when in fact it is the American Indian. Another is that French men are the best lovers when actually it’s the Greeks and I have also found the men most likely to impress in both  categories are the Irish”.

“Blushing she added I’m sorry I shouldn’t be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name”.

“Tonto” the man replied. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.

A widow’s grief

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?”

“Aye, That he did, Father…”

“And what did he say?”

“He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…”

It’s all in the maths

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….”

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”

The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.

“Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”

The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”

The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

Gone Fishing.

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise.”

The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

Out of the mouths of babes

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him

“How do you expect to get into Heaven?

“The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

And to finish off a cat who is really getting into this televised boxing match.  Thanks for dropping by and don’t forget to pass the smiles on.. thanks Sally