Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and jokes from the archives.


Debby Gies is off on her annual migration to Mexico and will be away until March. This has not stopped her from checking online for funnies to make you laugh..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

I have also found some book titles in the archives that might amuse you……

Anyway for those of you who made New Year’s Resolutions…………….

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.comGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And here are some book titles you might consider for your next release from the archives…….

A Clifftop Tragedy  by Eileen Dover.

A Whole Lot of Cats  by Kitt N. Caboodle

Animal Scents by Farrah Mones

Cheating on His Wife by  Izzy Backyet

Confessions Of A Gold Digger by Emile Ticket

Yellow River by I.P.Daily,

Russian Lion Tamer by Claude Buttox

Carpet Laying by Walter Wall

Eating Garlic by Y.I Malone.

Pain and Sorrow by Ann Quish

The Insomniac by Eliza Wake

The Scent of a Man by Jim Nasium

Wait for me by Isa Cummin.

Willie Win by Betty Wont.

My thanks to Debby for taking time out from her holiday to look for things to keep us amused… and thanks to you for dropping by… Sally

 

Advertisements

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Snitching, Cheating, Failing… and a change of career.


If you would like to share your favourite joke.. and get a plug in for your blog or books.. then email it to me at sally.cronin@moyhill.com (this is a family show!)

The phone rings at police headquarters.

‘Hello’

‘Hello is this the police?’

‘Yes, What do you want?’

‘I’m calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding heroin in his woodpile.’

‘This will be not

The next day a squad of DEA agents arrive a Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, they chop every piece of wood apart but find no heroin. Furious they leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house.

‘Hey Tom, did the DEA come?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Did they chop your firewood?’

‘Yeah they did.’

‘Okay, now it’s your turn to call, I need my garden dug over.’

Over Christmas at a school nativity play, three six year olds were playing the part of the kings. During the scene at the stable, the first stepped forward with his gift and said ‘Gold.’

The second stepped forward and said ‘Myrrh.’

And the third little boy stepped up and said ‘And Frank sent this.’

A door to door salesman knocked on a door of a well to do house in Wimbledon. ‘Good morning,’ he said. ‘Would you care to buy a copy of One Hundred Excuses To Give Your Wife for Staying Out Late?’

‘Why on earth would I want a book like that?’ said the enraged lady of the house.

‘Because,’ replied the salesman, ‘I sold a copy to your husband at his office this morning!’

 

Time for some more actual exam results from 16 year olds….

What is a vacuum?

Something my mum says I should do more often.

What is a vibration?

There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

Discuss the style of Romeo and Juliet.

It is written entirely in islamic pentameter. The play is full of heroic couplets, one example being Romeo and Juliet themselves.

Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

Thank you for dropping in and hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Some new material – The Cornier the better!


I have not been wasting my festive break. I needed some new material and searched my files going back 20 years to find some jokes that have not graced these pages so far…..along with a few visual funnies.

Mother-in-laws

A young married couple were having their first argument and it was a humdinger. ‘I wish I had listened to my mother and never married you’, she sobbed.

‘Do you mean to tell me,’ said her husband furiously, ‘that you mother tried to stop you marrying me?’

‘Yes she did,’ spluttered the wife.

‘Heavens above!’ the husband exclaimed. ‘How I have wronged that woman!’

 

Lost in Translation.

An American was complaining to an Englishman in a West End Hotel, that he found many English terms confusing.

‘You say “Rubbish” and we say “garbage”, he explained. ‘We say “trunk” and you say “boot” and we say “apartment” and you say “flat”. And then there is your pronounciation – I just can’t make head or tail of that!’

‘Surely there can’t be that much difference?’ said the Englishman. ‘Can you give me an example?’

‘I can,’ said the American. ‘Yesterday I was walking down Drury Lane and I passed a theatre with a big sign saying, “CATS- Pronounced success!”‘

Some more genuine exam answers….

What is a nitrate?

It is much cheaper than a day rate

What is the process for separating a mixture of chalk and sand?

It is a process called flirtation.

What happens when your body starts to age?

Your organs work less efficiently and you can go intercontinental.

What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death?

Suspicious ones.

What happens during a census?

A man goes from door to door and increases the population.

Want to know how to become a millionaire?

Before going away to Hong Kong on an extended business trip, a man drove his Ferrari to a major down town Los Angles bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer naturally asked for some collateral.

The businessman offered up his Ferrari car keys and said he would repay the loan in two weeks. The loan office had the car driven into the bank’s underground car park and gave him his money in cash.

Two weeks later, as promised the man walked into the bank and asked to settle his loan and have his car back.

He paid the $5,000 plus $20 in interest by cheque and started to walk away to collect his car.

The loan officer stopped him. ‘ Excuse me sir, could I ask you a question?’ The man nodded.

‘While you away I checked the registration of the car and then googled you to discover that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?’

The man smiled. ‘Where else would I park my Ferrari safely in downtown Los Angeles for two weeks for only $20.

Thank you for dropping in and I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…..Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye – Hot Flashes and Chocolate Chip Cookies


Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as I focus on getting the Christmas author promotions set up… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog has had you rolling in the aisles the last couple of weeks and today is no exception.. I have thrown in a joke at the end from the archives..

Please send any contributions to the funnies to sally.cronin@moyhill.com…

Thanks Debby -keep them coming.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now for that joke….

Heaven

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Get OFF” she said, “they’re for the funeral.

Thanks for dropping in today and hope you are leaving with a smile on your face, even if you didn’t get a chocolate chip cookie either!!! Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Round Up – Brussel Sprouts, Fire Ants, music, books, health, humour and a full guest list


Welcome to a round up of the posts from the week that you might have missed. And also a reminder of some of the Christmas Promotions coming up later in December.

The main one is a 12 Day party beginning on 13th of December until 24th December. I have some special guests appearing each day, in the form of contributors to the blog, and I am delighted that many of you are already signed up for one of the days. Out of the original 40 spots I just have 15 left. This is an opportunity to showcase your blog or books, even if you have already or will be featured in the other Christmas promotions. All I am looking for is 100 words (approx) about your favourite Christmas Gift ever… full details are here Twelve days of Christmas Party

I am also working my way through the Cafe and Bookstore and will be featuring every author on the shelves either with a New book on the shelves for Christmas or in a Buy a Book for Christmas feature.

The only thing that I need from you if you are in the bookstore is the link to any new releases between now and Christmas.

If you are a new author to the Cafe and Bookstore then email on sally.cronin@moyhill.com and I will let you know what I need. (it is FREE)

 

And here are the Christmas promotion posts so far…they will now go in a directory in the menu until the New Year.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/12/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-special-preorder-price-mistletoe-inn-by-jacquie-biggar/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/13/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-sci-fi-ya-tarkentower-by-daniel-scott-white/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/14/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-thriller-desperation-rules-the-day-by-colin-guest/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/17/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-the-worst-noel-a-juniper-junction-mystery-by-amy-reade/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/19/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-love-at-first-swipe-by-gareth-fosberry-onlinedating/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/23/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-broken-heart-attack-braxton-campus-mysteries-book-2-pre-order-99c-99p-until-november-25th-james-j-cudney/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/24/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-shortstories-after-ever-little-stories-for-grown-children-by-d-avery/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/12/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-children-victoria-zigler-jann-weeratunga-janice-spina-bette-a-stevens-and-gigi-sedlmayer/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/14/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-children-andrea-balsara-robbie-and-michael-cheadle-annabelle-franklin-and-jemima-pett/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/16/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-children-teens-ya-paul-andruss-m-j-mallon-hl-carpenter-darlene-foster-deanie-humphrys-dunne/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/17/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-rachele-baker-dvm-judith-barrow-c-s-boyack-and-pamela-s-wight/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/19/sally-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-fantasy-science-fiction-tina-frisco-d-wallace-peach-lorinda-j-taylor-and-teri-polen/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/20/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-poetry-ritu-bhathal-christy-birmingham-colleen-m-chesebro-natalie-ducey-and-dorinda-duclos/

The Story Reading Ape

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/22/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-poetry-agnes-mae-graham-annette-rochelle-aben-and-balroop-singh/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/23/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-short-stories-linda-bethea-sarah-brentyn-eric-halpenny-and-gregg-savage/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/24/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-short-stories-mary-smith-annika-perry-and-hugh-w-roberts/

My review for Legacy; Book Four Project Renova by Terry Tyler

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/25/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-book-review-for-legacy-project-renova-book-four-by-terry-tyler/

Other posts in the week.

This week we take that ‘marmite’ of the vegetable kingdom, Brussel Sprouts and I showcase their many health benefits and Carol Taylor cooks them in several ways to delight your family.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/21/christmas-smorgasbord-health-cook-from-scratch-with-sally-and-carol-taylor-brusselsprouts-bitterly-healthy/

This week Linda Bethea gets up close and personal with feisty Houston residents.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/22/smorgasbord-blog-magazine-guest-writer-family-houston-fire-ants-and-murderers-by-linda-bethea/

Smorgasbord Short Stories from Volume 2- What’s in a Name

Walter is a scruffy customer, along with his dog at the local pub. Nobody seems to know his story…..

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/24/smorgasbord-short-stories-whats-in-a-name-walter-lost-and-alone-by-sally-cronin/

Xenia… two special family members never to be forgotten.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/25/smorgasbord-short-stories-whats-in-a-name-volume-two-xenia-beloved/

This week our lives in 1991 and Always Look on the Bright Side of Life and Bohemian Rhapsody

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/20/smorgasbord-blog-magazine-the-music-column-1991-always-look-on-the-bright-side-of-life-and-bohemian-rhapsody/

Smorgasbord Poetry – #Etheree in response to Colleen Chesebro’s Tuesday Poetry Challenge

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/21/smorgasbord-poetry-colleen-chesebro-tuesday-poetry-challenge-no-111-celebrate-and-number-etheree/

This week a look at the difference between and allergy and an intolerance..

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/22/smorgasbord-health-column-a-z-of-common-conditions-allergies-and-intolerances-christmas-can-be-a-challenge/

Guest comedian D.G. Kaye Debby Gies with more finds on the Internet and a joke from the archives.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/20/smorgasbord-laughter-lines-guest-comedian-d-g-kaye-and-a-joke/

Guest standup comedian.. D.G. Kaye.. Debby Gies gets us in the mood for Thanksgiving

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/22/smorgasbord-laughter-lines-guest-comedian-d-g-kaye-how-to-turk-the-carvey-and-quickies/

Thank you for dropping in today.. and don’t forget that there are a few places left for the Twelve Days of Christmas parties… and if you have a new book release between now and Christmas, please let me know – sally.cronin@moyhill.com

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye – How to Turk the Carvey and Quickies.


Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a quickie or two…..

Thanks again Debby you are doing a stand up job…...

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now for those Quickies…..

  • One good turn gets most of the blankets.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
    say, talk in your sleep.
  • Every morning is the dawn of a new error…..
  • A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  • A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  • Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.
  • It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
  • Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  • Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  • Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Thanks for dropping in and I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… please feel free to share.. thanks Sally.

Donations are gratefully received… please send your favourite funnies to sally.cronin@moyhill.com

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke..


Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some more funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a joke or two.

Thanks to Debby for sharing her foraging on the Internet.. I wonder how she finds time to write her very popular memoirs…

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

A recent review for Words We Carry Very insightful read. on September 16, 2018

Once in a while you come across a book that really speaks to you. Reading ‘Words We Carry’ by D. G. Kaye was like having friends over for coffee and revealing our innermost secrets or speaking to your mentor about life and how to make it better. The author, who has natural psychology opened my eyes and made me ponder why I react the way I do to certain things or certain people. I enjoyed author, D.G. Kaye’s writing style––so friendly and warm. This book is well written and is easily one that can change someone’s life. I recommend this book to anyone who ever felt insecure, self-conscious or inadequate. An easy 5 star read.

Now for a joke from the archives

A Moral story.

It was a freezing cold day in the snow-covered steppes of Siberia… A young boy was walking along when he spotted a tiny bird being chased by a fox. The boy picked up the bird, and just then a horse came along and left a large deposit in the road.

The boy scooped out a hole in the deposit and carefully placed the bird in it. It was warm and it poked its head out of the hole and began to sing with joy. But the hungry fox was still lurking nearby and it pounced on the little bird and gobbled it up.

The moral of this story is two-fold. First, it is not always you enemies who drop you in it. And, second, if you are up to your neck in it, keep your mouth shut.

I hope that you have enjoyed today’s funnies and please feel free to share.. thanks again to Debby for her contribution as always.. and if you have favourite jokes or images you would like to share.. send them to Sally.cronin@moyhill.com or message me on Facebook.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and Jokes from the archives


Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a joke or two.

Thanks Debby…you are a star.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now for a couple of jokes from the archives

Ancient Mummy discovered..

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious museum.

“I’ve just found a 3,000 year old mummy,” said the archaeologist. “It’s a man who died of heart failure.”

“Bring it in,” said the curator. “We’ll check it out.”

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were exactly right about the mummy’s age and cause of death,” he said. “How in the world did you know?”

“Easy,” the archaeologist replied. “He was holding a piece of papyrus that said ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath.’”

Thanks to Silicon India..for that one..

Taxi Driver’s First Day on the Job

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, “Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse”.

Thanks for dropping in and I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedians D.G. Kaye and Linda Bethea


More funnies from the eagle-eyed D.G. Kaye Writer Blog 

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Thanks very much Debby and here is a joke to finish you off from the blog of the ever entertaining Linda Bethea

Farmer Brown had dozens of hens, but no rooster, so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve this great rooster, named Rudy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.” Well, Rudy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys him and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, “Rudy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. “So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Rudy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Rudy took off like a shot. WHAM! He nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Rudy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Him after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Rudy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Rudy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Rudy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.” Rudy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “SHHHH, they’re getting closer…”

Linda Bethea, Buy: https://www.amazon.com/Linda-Swain-Bethea/e/B01N5HA5C1
Blog: https://nutsrok.wordpress.com/

Linda bethea two51qb8fm4dqL._AC_US240_QL65_

My thanks to Debby Gies and Linda Bethea.. and I am always looking for new material.. so please send you favourite jokes to sally.cronin@moyhill.com and get your blog and books a mention too.. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian.. D.G. Kaye – Debby Gies


I have been busy this week with offline and online projects so I asked Debby Gies to track down some funnies for you and I have tacked a joke on at the end…I felt I should do something at least!!

I feel this next one is very personal for Debby.. who flies south for the winter every year!!

 

And I rifled through my archives and have selected this little story, which I think about everytime I am on a plane..wondering if I have the nerve to lay claim to this lady’s occupation and see the reaction!!! Perhaps not…

A man seated next to a beautiful woman on a plane. Eager to start a conversation, he asks

“Business trip or holiday?”

She smiles dazzlingly and tells him.” Business, I’m on my way to the annual nymphomaniac conference in New York”

Trying to stay cool, the man asks “What’s your role at the conference?”

Lecturer, she says, I use my experience to debunk some of the myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” the man asks. And what are those?

The beautiful woman explains “One is that African men are the well-endowed, when in fact it is the American Indian. Another is that French men are the best lovers when actually it’s the Greeks and I have also found the men most likely to impress in both categories are the Irish”.

“Blushing she added I’m sorry I shouldn’t be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name”.

“Tonto” the man replied. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s selection and my thanks go to Debby for helping keep the supply coming… in the unlikely event that you do not know Debby Gies or D.G. Kaye.. then here are some links to contact her and buy her books.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads