I have been delving into the archives and have selected a few jokes that you might have missed or forgotten.. I have my sister here for her first visit to us in our new home in Ireland and I am teaching her how to avoid the puddles……
A couple of Quickies
A man had been contemplating the world’s population,
It’s amazing, he told his friend. Every time I breathe in and out someone dies.
Have you tried mouthwash said his friend
“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common? ”
“It’s not unusual.”
Let’s go cruising the high seas.
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise.” The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re good time girls! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. “You know”, he said, “I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying… that phrase…in no time.”
“Thank you”, the woman responded, “this may very well be the
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re good time girls! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.”
Giving the dog a proper send off.
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Have a great weekend.. I will be popping in from time to time to check you are behaving yourselves… don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do! thanks Sally