Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from my archives.


Debby Gies is still on vacation in sunny Mexico until the end of February, but she is keen that you should not be lacking in funnies whilst she is away, so she has forwarded a batch to me to share with you. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding more funnies to keep us entertained….Do check out her books.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.comGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for a joke from my archives……

Watch out for ducks.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and, although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall with long eyelashes and very muscular.

St Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally and Debby.

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Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – The thrill of the chase and senior dating ads..


If the week is dragging a little, then hopefully the following will lift your spirits…..

And I will leave you with a joke from the archives….

Dating Ads for Seniors, found in The Villages,
the Newspaper of a Florida Senior Retirement Community

FOX
Fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. —————————————————-

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. —————————————————-

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
—————————————————-

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
—————————————————-

BEATLES OR STONES
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
—————————————————-

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.


AND FINALLY…

A lady and gentleman in The Villages are sitting on benches opposite each other.

Lady: Are you new to the community?

Gentleman: No, I have owned a condo here for 20 years.

Lady: I have been here for 15 years, and I have never seen you around.

Gentleman: I have been in prison for the last 17 years!

She was stunned but finally asked him what he had done.

Gentleman: I murdered my first wife!

She was stunned again, but after a long pause . . .

Lady: So, you’re SINGLE?

I hope that this has cheered you up and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye (Debby Gies) and a joke from the archives


Debby Gies is still on vacation in sunny Mexico until the end of February, but she is keen that you should not be lacking in funnies whilst she is away, so she has forwarded a batch to me to share with you. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding more funnies to keep us entertained….Do check out her books.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.comGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for a joke from the archives……

Squirrels vs Churches

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. They humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels returned when the Baptists took down their water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They circumcised the first squirrel and haven’t seen one since.

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… please feel free to pass the jokes along. Thanks Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Some facts of life and a joke from the archives.


I have delved into the archives of images to find some you might have missed, since they go back to 2013…

And now for that joke…

Farmer Smith had plenty of hens, but no rooster, so he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve this great rooster, named Rudy . He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.” Well, Rudy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys him and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, “Rudy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. “So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Rudy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Rudy took off like a shot. WHAM! He has every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Rudy is in there. Later, the farmer sees him after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He has his way with all the geese. By sunset he sees Rudy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Rudy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Rudy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.” Rudy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “SHHHH, they’re getting closer…”

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… more funnies on Thursday… please feel free to pass along. Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and jokes from the archives


Debby Gies is still on vacation in sunny Mexico, but she is keen that you should not be lacking in funnies whilst she is away, so she has forwarded a batch to me to share with you. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

And I have been rifling through the archives to find some jokes to share..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.comGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for some quickies from my archives

On an old maid’s tombstone:
‘Who said you can’t take it with you?’

*****

My wife does bird imitations: She watches me like a hawk.

*****

What’s the difference between a canary with two wings and a canary with one?
A difference of a pinion.

*****

Man cannot live on bread alone… He needs a bit of crumpet!

*****

Acupuncture fees in China are so cheap it is called pin money.

*****

In court last week a clairvoyant sued for divorce on the grounds of her husband’s adultery next week.

*****

‘Have you ever been cross-examined before?
‘Yes your honour, I’m a married man.

*****

‘Guilty. Ten days or two hundred dollars.’
‘I’ll take the two hundred dollars, thanks Judge.’

*****

Did you hear about the butcher’s boy who sat on the bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.

*****

‘Knock, knock.’
‘Who’s there?’
‘A little old lady.’
‘A little lady who?’
‘I didn’t know you could yodel.’

*****

Whisky is a wonderful drink. It makes you see double and feel single.

*****

The Bridegrooms mother arrived at the reception and looked amazing. Her husband was delighted by the attention. ‘You look stunning,’ he smiled. You should always leave your bra at home.

She blushed. ‘How did you know?’

‘Because you have lost all the wrinkles from your face!’

*****

Thank you for dropping by today and to Debby Gies for her dedication….. we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and jokes from the archives.


Debby Gies is off on her annual migration to Mexico and will be away until March. This has not stopped her from checking online for funnies to make you laugh..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

I have also found some book titles in the archives that might amuse you……

Anyway for those of you who made New Year’s Resolutions…………….

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.comGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And here are some book titles you might consider for your next release from the archives…….

A Clifftop Tragedy  by Eileen Dover.

A Whole Lot of Cats  by Kitt N. Caboodle

Animal Scents by Farrah Mones

Cheating on His Wife by  Izzy Backyet

Confessions Of A Gold Digger by Emile Ticket

Yellow River by I.P.Daily,

Russian Lion Tamer by Claude Buttox

Carpet Laying by Walter Wall

Eating Garlic by Y.I Malone.

Pain and Sorrow by Ann Quish

The Insomniac by Eliza Wake

The Scent of a Man by Jim Nasium

Wait for me by Isa Cummin.

Willie Win by Betty Wont.

My thanks to Debby for taking time out from her holiday to look for things to keep us amused… and thanks to you for dropping by… Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Snitching, Cheating, Failing… and a change of career.


If you would like to share your favourite joke.. and get a plug in for your blog or books.. then email it to me at sally.cronin@moyhill.com (this is a family show!)

The phone rings at police headquarters.

‘Hello’

‘Hello is this the police?’

‘Yes, What do you want?’

‘I’m calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding heroin in his woodpile.’

‘This will be not

The next day a squad of DEA agents arrive a Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, they chop every piece of wood apart but find no heroin. Furious they leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house.

‘Hey Tom, did the DEA come?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Did they chop your firewood?’

‘Yeah they did.’

‘Okay, now it’s your turn to call, I need my garden dug over.’

Over Christmas at a school nativity play, three six year olds were playing the part of the kings. During the scene at the stable, the first stepped forward with his gift and said ‘Gold.’

The second stepped forward and said ‘Myrrh.’

And the third little boy stepped up and said ‘And Frank sent this.’

A door to door salesman knocked on a door of a well to do house in Wimbledon. ‘Good morning,’ he said. ‘Would you care to buy a copy of One Hundred Excuses To Give Your Wife for Staying Out Late?’

‘Why on earth would I want a book like that?’ said the enraged lady of the house.

‘Because,’ replied the salesman, ‘I sold a copy to your husband at his office this morning!’

 

Time for some more actual exam results from 16 year olds….

What is a vacuum?

Something my mum says I should do more often.

What is a vibration?

There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s.

Discuss the style of Romeo and Juliet.

It is written entirely in islamic pentameter. The play is full of heroic couplets, one example being Romeo and Juliet themselves.

Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

Thank you for dropping in and hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Some new material – The Cornier the better!


I have not been wasting my festive break. I needed some new material and searched my files going back 20 years to find some jokes that have not graced these pages so far…..along with a few visual funnies.

Mother-in-laws

A young married couple were having their first argument and it was a humdinger. ‘I wish I had listened to my mother and never married you’, she sobbed.

‘Do you mean to tell me,’ said her husband furiously, ‘that you mother tried to stop you marrying me?’

‘Yes she did,’ spluttered the wife.

‘Heavens above!’ the husband exclaimed. ‘How I have wronged that woman!’

 

Lost in Translation.

An American was complaining to an Englishman in a West End Hotel, that he found many English terms confusing.

‘You say “Rubbish” and we say “garbage”, he explained. ‘We say “trunk” and you say “boot” and we say “apartment” and you say “flat”. And then there is your pronounciation – I just can’t make head or tail of that!’

‘Surely there can’t be that much difference?’ said the Englishman. ‘Can you give me an example?’

‘I can,’ said the American. ‘Yesterday I was walking down Drury Lane and I passed a theatre with a big sign saying, “CATS- Pronounced success!”‘

Some more genuine exam answers….

What is a nitrate?

It is much cheaper than a day rate

What is the process for separating a mixture of chalk and sand?

It is a process called flirtation.

What happens when your body starts to age?

Your organs work less efficiently and you can go intercontinental.

What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar’s death?

Suspicious ones.

What happens during a census?

A man goes from door to door and increases the population.

Want to know how to become a millionaire?

Before going away to Hong Kong on an extended business trip, a man drove his Ferrari to a major down town Los Angles bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer naturally asked for some collateral.

The businessman offered up his Ferrari car keys and said he would repay the loan in two weeks. The loan office had the car driven into the bank’s underground car park and gave him his money in cash.

Two weeks later, as promised the man walked into the bank and asked to settle his loan and have his car back.

He paid the $5,000 plus $20 in interest by cheque and started to walk away to collect his car.

The loan officer stopped him. ‘ Excuse me sir, could I ask you a question?’ The man nodded.

‘While you away I checked the registration of the car and then googled you to discover that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?’

The man smiled. ‘Where else would I park my Ferrari safely in downtown Los Angeles for two weeks for only $20.

Thank you for dropping in and I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…..Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye – Hot Flashes and Chocolate Chip Cookies


Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as I focus on getting the Christmas author promotions set up… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog has had you rolling in the aisles the last couple of weeks and today is no exception.. I have thrown in a joke at the end from the archives..

Please send any contributions to the funnies to sally.cronin@moyhill.com…

Thanks Debby -keep them coming.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now for that joke….

Heaven

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Get OFF” she said, “they’re for the funeral.

Thanks for dropping in today and hope you are leaving with a smile on your face, even if you didn’t get a chocolate chip cookie either!!! Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Round Up – Brussel Sprouts, Fire Ants, music, books, health, humour and a full guest list


Welcome to a round up of the posts from the week that you might have missed. And also a reminder of some of the Christmas Promotions coming up later in December.

The main one is a 12 Day party beginning on 13th of December until 24th December. I have some special guests appearing each day, in the form of contributors to the blog, and I am delighted that many of you are already signed up for one of the days. Out of the original 40 spots I just have 15 left. This is an opportunity to showcase your blog or books, even if you have already or will be featured in the other Christmas promotions. All I am looking for is 100 words (approx) about your favourite Christmas Gift ever… full details are here Twelve days of Christmas Party

I am also working my way through the Cafe and Bookstore and will be featuring every author on the shelves either with a New book on the shelves for Christmas or in a Buy a Book for Christmas feature.

The only thing that I need from you if you are in the bookstore is the link to any new releases between now and Christmas.

If you are a new author to the Cafe and Bookstore then email on sally.cronin@moyhill.com and I will let you know what I need. (it is FREE)

 

And here are the Christmas promotion posts so far…they will now go in a directory in the menu until the New Year.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/12/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-special-preorder-price-mistletoe-inn-by-jacquie-biggar/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/13/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-sci-fi-ya-tarkentower-by-daniel-scott-white/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/14/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-thriller-desperation-rules-the-day-by-colin-guest/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/17/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-the-worst-noel-a-juniper-junction-mystery-by-amy-reade/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/19/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-love-at-first-swipe-by-gareth-fosberry-onlinedating/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/23/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-broken-heart-attack-braxton-campus-mysteries-book-2-pre-order-99c-99p-until-november-25th-james-j-cudney/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/24/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-new-book-on-the-shelves-for-christmas-shortstories-after-ever-little-stories-for-grown-children-by-d-avery/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/12/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-children-victoria-zigler-jann-weeratunga-janice-spina-bette-a-stevens-and-gigi-sedlmayer/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/14/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-children-andrea-balsara-robbie-and-michael-cheadle-annabelle-franklin-and-jemima-pett/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/16/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-children-teens-ya-paul-andruss-m-j-mallon-hl-carpenter-darlene-foster-deanie-humphrys-dunne/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/17/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-rachele-baker-dvm-judith-barrow-c-s-boyack-and-pamela-s-wight/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/19/sally-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-fantasy-science-fiction-tina-frisco-d-wallace-peach-lorinda-j-taylor-and-teri-polen/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/20/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-poetry-ritu-bhathal-christy-birmingham-colleen-m-chesebro-natalie-ducey-and-dorinda-duclos/

The Story Reading Ape

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/22/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-poetry-agnes-mae-graham-annette-rochelle-aben-and-balroop-singh/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/23/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-short-stories-linda-bethea-sarah-brentyn-eric-halpenny-and-gregg-savage/

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/24/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-short-stories-mary-smith-annika-perry-and-hugh-w-roberts/

My review for Legacy; Book Four Project Renova by Terry Tyler

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/25/sallys-cafe-and-bookstore-buy-a-book-for-christmas-book-review-for-legacy-project-renova-book-four-by-terry-tyler/

Other posts in the week.

This week we take that ‘marmite’ of the vegetable kingdom, Brussel Sprouts and I showcase their many health benefits and Carol Taylor cooks them in several ways to delight your family.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/21/christmas-smorgasbord-health-cook-from-scratch-with-sally-and-carol-taylor-brusselsprouts-bitterly-healthy/

This week Linda Bethea gets up close and personal with feisty Houston residents.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/22/smorgasbord-blog-magazine-guest-writer-family-houston-fire-ants-and-murderers-by-linda-bethea/

Smorgasbord Short Stories from Volume 2- What’s in a Name

Walter is a scruffy customer, along with his dog at the local pub. Nobody seems to know his story…..

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/24/smorgasbord-short-stories-whats-in-a-name-walter-lost-and-alone-by-sally-cronin/

Xenia… two special family members never to be forgotten.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/25/smorgasbord-short-stories-whats-in-a-name-volume-two-xenia-beloved/

This week our lives in 1991 and Always Look on the Bright Side of Life and Bohemian Rhapsody

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/20/smorgasbord-blog-magazine-the-music-column-1991-always-look-on-the-bright-side-of-life-and-bohemian-rhapsody/

Smorgasbord Poetry – #Etheree in response to Colleen Chesebro’s Tuesday Poetry Challenge

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/21/smorgasbord-poetry-colleen-chesebro-tuesday-poetry-challenge-no-111-celebrate-and-number-etheree/

This week a look at the difference between and allergy and an intolerance..

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/22/smorgasbord-health-column-a-z-of-common-conditions-allergies-and-intolerances-christmas-can-be-a-challenge/

Guest comedian D.G. Kaye Debby Gies with more finds on the Internet and a joke from the archives.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/20/smorgasbord-laughter-lines-guest-comedian-d-g-kaye-and-a-joke/

Guest standup comedian.. D.G. Kaye.. Debby Gies gets us in the mood for Thanksgiving

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/11/22/smorgasbord-laughter-lines-guest-comedian-d-g-kaye-how-to-turk-the-carvey-and-quickies/

Thank you for dropping in today.. and don’t forget that there are a few places left for the Twelve Days of Christmas parties… and if you have a new book release between now and Christmas, please let me know – sally.cronin@moyhill.com