Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Grandpas and Hell Freezing Over


Firstly, some funnies from Debby Gies followed by a joke or two from Sally. Thanks to those who share the funnies on the internet.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.My thanks to Debby for excellent foraging

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Debby’s new series Spiritual Awareness..Spiritual Awareness – Decoding Sequenced Angel Messages in Numbers by D.G. Kaye

Now for some fun from Sally….from the archives

Is Hell Exothermic?

Actual question on a University of Washington chemistry midterm: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students’ proofs involved Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into hell and the rate they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets into Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume of Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? `

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and taking into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then 2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Sally’s books: Amazon US –  Amazon UK – More reviews : Goodreads – Podcast – Sally Cronin on Soundcloud – Twitter: @sgc58

 

Thank you for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Clerical Collars and Misfortunes


Firstly, some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some funnies from Sally. Thanks to those who share the funnies on the internet.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.My thanks to Debby for excellent foraging

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Debby’s new series Spiritual Awareness.. Spiritual Awareness – Fey – Angel Messages Part Two – Earth Angels and Lightworkers

Now for some fun from Sally….

Prayers

Listening at the bedroom door one night whilst my son said his prayers I heard him say, “God bless Daddy and Mummy, Grandad and Grandma, Uncle Albert and goodbye to Rolf my dog”.

I thought it a little odd but forgot about it until the next morning when, on opening the door to go to work, Rolf shot past me straight into the road and into the path of an oncoming car. I ran to him straight away but he was as dead as a door nail. I thought a lot about my son’s prayer during the day but in the end put it down to coincidence.

A few weeks later I was again listening to him saying his prayers when I heard him say, “God bless Daddy and Mummy, Grandad and Uncle Albert and goodbye to Grandma”.

I waited in anticipation the next day to see what would happen. At four o’clock just as I was beginning to think what a fool I was the phone rang. It was my father to tell me that my mother had just died. From that point on I was convinced that somehow my son could foretell misfortune. I made a special point of listening to his prayers every night from then on.

About six months passed when listening to his prayers I heard, “God bless Mummy, Grandad, Uncle Albert and goodbye to Daddy”. I was mortified, scared out of my wits. I dare not confide it to my wife, she would only laugh at me. I had terrible nightmares that night and woke up haggard and drawn.

I thought about staying home out of harm’s way but realised that if I was going to die it could happen anywhere. On the way to work I took great pains to stay out of danger, keeping well away from the kerb as I walked to the station; picking the middle section of the train as possibly the safest if there was a crash; waiting until there was absolutely no traffic anywhere near before crossing the road and the like. I didn’t dare leave the safety of the office at lunchtime and sat drinking coffee and worrying myself sick. At five o’clock I left for home taking all the precautions I had used that morning. By the time I got home I was all in, I even had to ring the doorbell because I no longer had the strength left in me to search in my pocket for the key.

My wife opened the door with a scowl on her face and I staggered past her saying “I’ve had a really awful day, I feel totally drained, physically and emotionally. “My wife replied bitingly

“Don’t give me your hard luck stories I have had a really bad day, it started when the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep!”

Sally’s books: Amazon US –  Amazon UK – More reviews : Goodreads – Podcast – Sally Cronin on Soundcloud – Twitter: @sgc58

 

Thank you for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines 2022 – Host Malcolm Allen – Funny foods and Scarecrows


Delighted to share the latest funnies from Australia and around the world shared by author Malcolm Allen

Thanks to Malcolm for keeping us entertained

About the book

This is the third book by the author, following publication of his two autobiographies ‘From Birth to Perth – Memoirs of a Nomad’ in August 2013 and ‘World Turned Upside Down – More Nomadic Memoirs’ published in June 2018. This third book in the nomadic series, is a travelogue of the author’s journeys around the world. He shares both his travel experiences and his views on various subjects, with his usual frankness and humour. It’s a tale of the traveller as he moves by air, land and sea with assorted companions. The world of travel has changed the lives of many and continues to delight and surprise the author each time he packs his luggage and passport. As a fellow author, Michael Palin so eloquently said: ‘Once the travel bug bites there is no known antidote. I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life.’

One of the reviews for the book

Mr. Ian M. Smith 5.0 out of 5 stars A Nomad who really Entertains Reviewed in the United Kingdom

The author has already written his autobiography in two volumes and that is quite a story. He is much travelled and, in this new book, he gives us the benefit of his travels in a novel way. Instead of using a chronological framework, Allen uses an alphabetical format interposing memories of places he’s visited with a miscellany of anecdotes that keep you entertained.

There is plenty of humour and I’ve given the book five stars because of its readability. It’s a winning combination of real world travelogue that puts you right there with the author, and anecdotal humour that will make you chuckle (as well as groan at some of the quips). The result is a book that you will not want to put down. If you enjoy Bill Bryson, you will enjoy Malcolm Allen. He has taken a novel approach to non-fiction that is both entertaining and highly amusing. I now feel that I’ve really been to some of the places that I’ll never get to in person and that must be the highest accolade for a book that is much more than a travelogue.

Buy the book: Amazon US And:Amazon UK – And: Amazon AU

About Malcolm Allen

The author was born in London UK and experienced a challenging childhood, leaving school with no academic qualifications at the age of 15. He had mixed fortunes in his early working days but managed to secure a job in the banking industry at the age of 19. During a period of 32 years he enjoyed a demanding and successful career in London, the pinnacle of which was becoming a Company Director at the age of 37. Following a life changing experience in November 1998 he emigrated to Perth, Western Australia in September 2001, relocating to his current home in Melbourne, Australia in November 2015.

Thanks for dropping in today Sally and hope you are leaving with a smile on your face..

 

Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Good Boys and Exam answers part two


Firstly, some funnies from Debby Gies followed by some funnies from Sally. Thanks to those who share the funnies on the internet.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

 

My thanks to Debby for excellent foraging

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest Travel Column:The Bahamas

Now for some fun from Sally….Exam results part two

Apparently real answers to exam questions!!

Literature

As a youth Shakespeare spent a year under Queen Elizabeth.

Q. Who was Juliet’s father.   A. Lord Catapult

Q. Who was Juliet’s mother   A. Lady Copulate

It is mainly Hamlet’s actions that lead people to believe him mad – appearing and frightening Ophelia in her bedroom with his trousers round his ankles.

Cleopatra killed herself by taking aspic and died in her needle.

Anthony and Cleopatra is full of phallic cymbals.

It’s the way you tell ’em

Immigrants often do not bother to learn to speak the English Language let alone wright it.

Grate Britt’n has the best educain cistern in the wold.

If there was no scool rools there would be utercayoss

This is a specticcill not to be mist.

To vote you must be over the age of eighteen and be of fixed mind, meaning that you are not stupid and vote Conservative because it has a nice ring to it.

Q. Briefly describe how to carry out any simple repair – A. To mend a puncha stick a plasta on the in a choobe.

Misconceptions.

Sleeping sickness is brought on by the bite of the sexy fly.
The diver knew he had to act quickly when the octopus wrapped its testacles around him.
Weightlessness can be produced by over-dieting.
Some people have extra-sensual perception.
Pollution is caused by cars giving off intoxicating fumes.
An atheist is someone who puts you to sleep before an operation.

Historical inaccuracies.

Edward II was not fit to be a king. Whenever a tournament was going on he and Piers Gaveston would play dice and other games in the stables.

The King met the Barons at Runnymede for the Great Chatter.

The Black Death was a warning from God and this brought on masochistic activities such as a great wave of flatulence.

Henry wanted his marriage to Catherine of Aragon to be declared dull and void.

Drake said that the Armada could wait but his bowels couldn’t

Peter the Great westernised Russia by building cinemas and music halls.

King Louis didn’t bother that the peasants were starving – he just stayed in the palace and kept holding his balls.

In Italy Gary Baldy and his Gorillas rode to victory.

Source Howlers by William Cooke and illustrated by Mike Gordon Published 1988 Used copies are available on Ebay and Amazon.

 

Thank you for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – May 20th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin -Worry the Devil and Complaints


Welcome to laughter lines with some words of wisdom from Debby Gies and a few funnies from Sally.

 

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

The complaints department

A man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years. After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. ‘Bed hard’.

He is promised the problem will be looked into.

Another five years pass. This time his two words are ‘Food cold.’

Again his superiors promise to address the issue.

Five years later his two words are, ‘I quit.’ His superiors look at each other wearily.

‘We’re not in the slightest bit surprised. You’ve done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years.

Long distance gardening.

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his carrot garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,” For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the Money!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Now plant your carrots, Dad. It’s the best I could do from here.”

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – April 22nd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Stress Test and Cheap Cow


Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks.

  If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

Discerning film goer

A couple go to a movie and find that a few seats to their right is a man and his dog. The dog seemed well behaved enough so they didn’t call an usher to complain. They watch the movie and notice that during the action scenes, the dog is on the edge of his seat, watching intently. During the the happy scenes, the dog wagged his tail happily. In the sad scenes, the dog would whimper. And in the scary scenes, the dog hid under the seat. When the movie was over, the couple approached the dog owner. The wife said “We can’t believe how much your dog enjoyed the movie.” The dog’s owner replied “Me either. He didn’t like the book.”

Cheap cow...

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”

 

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Hosted by Sally Cronin – If nothing else makes you smile today!


Today a random mix of funnies from Novembers since 2015… I just went into my media library for that month and picked one of the funnies in the folder.. I had forgotten most of them but it has been a long time…I hope you enjoy….and leave with a grin as engaging as these guys….

 

Thanks for dropping in today and I hope that if nothing else has made you smile today.. these have… Have a good weekend… Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – TGI Friday – host Sally Cronin


It has been one of those weeks when even the weather doesn’t know what is doing…90 degrees at lunchtime and violent thunderstorms for four hours during the night. This turmoil is reflected in the headlines, with computer equipment, global leadership,and relationships.

Thank goodness they can’t take away our sense of humour….

Thanks for dropping by today and I hope that you are leaving with a smile on your face.. enjoy the weekend..thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies that she has spotted that she thinks you would enjoy…..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

You have fair warning… Christmas jokes will start to appear on Thursday…. resistance is futile…..

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USBlog: D.G. Writes Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: The Travel Column with D.G. Kaye

And now a joke or two from my archives

Words of wisdom

A man had been contemplating the world’s population,
It’s amazing, he told his friend. Every time I breathe in and out someone dies.
Have you tried mouthwash said his friend

*****

‘Every man should have a girl for love, companionship and sympathy,’ said a wise and mature bachelor. ‘Preferably at three different addresses,’ he added

Quick thinking

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note: ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

Thank you for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now time for a joke from my archives…

Squirrels vs Churches

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. They humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels returned when the Baptists took down their water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They circumcised the first squirrel and haven’t seen one since.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Debby and Sally.