Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Laughter Lines – New Careers, Zoo visits and One Liners.


Welcome to Thursday’s laughter lines and I hope these stories will bring sunshine to your day.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Not wanting to waste his skill and dexterity he decided to retrain as a mechanic.

He signed up for classes a the local technical college and discovered he had a real flair for the detailed work involved. He applied himself diligently and as the final exams approached he practiced night and day.

As the results of the exams were posted, he was amazed to see that he had been awarded 150% and thought there might have been an error. He sought out his instructor to ask him why.

His teacher explained that he had taken the engine apart perfectly and that was worth 50%.. he had also put it back together perfectly which was another 50%.

He paused for a moment. ” I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler. Which I have never seen done in my entire career.

A police officer stops a motorist and is startled to find he has a dozen penguins on the back seat.

‘You shouldn’t be driving around with penguins like that,’ he tells the man.

‘Take them to the zoo.’

The man tells the policeman that he will do go and do that immediately and drives off.

The next day, however, the policeman stops the same motorist and is annoyed to find that there is still a dozen penguins on the back seat.

‘I thought you said you would take these birds to the zoo yesterday as I ordered you to.’

The man nods his head. ‘I did. And today I am taking them to the movies.’

Some one liners…

  • Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
  • Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
  • I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  • A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
  • I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
  • My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  • A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
  • Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.
  • A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

I hope that you have enjoyed these funnies and please feel free to pass them on.. thanks Sally

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Smorgasbord blog Magazine – Laughter Lines – 15 year olds on Life!! – What could go Wrong?


These are reported to have been taken from recent GCSE essays when 15 year old boys and girls were allowed to play with all the words and grammar in their newly acquired toolboxes. With hilarious and wonderful results..

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly like a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

The thunder was ominous sounding much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during a storm scene in a play.

Even in his last years Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil, but unlike Phil this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get for not eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me! She panted, her breasts heaving like a student on a pound a pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined , like someone who can tell butter from “ I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter “.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love . When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature British Beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

 

I hope that these laughter lines have deepened your crow’s feet!  Feel free to pass them on. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Dogs under the dining room table!


A young man fell desperately in love with a very well to do young lady. The day came when it was time to meet the parents and the young man was astounded to see the massive country house that his beloved had been brought up in. He was petrified enough to meet her parents and also knew that his girlfriend expected him to ask her father for her hand in marriage.

His fears were realised when he met the colonel… Dressed to go hunting and waspish. Eventually, the family sat around the large table in the dining room and the butler and the footman served Sunday Lunch.

There were many assorted vegetables and to be fair most were unknown to the now very nervous suitor. He ate everything that he was given and on top of the butterflies in his stomach wind began to gather in his nether regions.

Despite his best efforts there was an escape of said wind and the colonel looked up from his lunch and gave a suspicious look under the table.

‘Rover, get out from under the table you damn dog!’

Highly relieved that there was a hapless dog to be blamed for his indiscretion, the young man, gratefully released one or two more cauliflower induced bouquets.

Each time the fierce patriarch would look under the table and began shouting at the dog…

‘Rover, get out from under the table… I will not tell you again.

After one final expulsion of air and just as the young man had screwed up his courage to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. The colonel bent down from his chair and shouted down the underside of the long table.

‘Rover, for goodness sake get out from under the table before he gasses you!.

funny-how-i-feel-when-cops-are-driving-behind-me-011A rich man was accosted by a disreputable looking bloke who asked for some money for a meal.

‘Here, have a cigarette,’ said the businessman.

‘No, I don’t smoke,’ replied the tramp.

‘Then let me buy you a drink.’

‘No, I don’t drink.’

‘Then let me change your luck and buy you a lottery ticket.’

‘No thank you, I never gamble. Couldn’t you spare some money for a decent meal?’

The businessman looked at him. ‘I can do better than that,’ he said. ‘You come home with me and I’ll cook you the biggest meal you ever saw.’

‘Wouldn’t it be easier if you just gave me the money?’

‘Easier, yes,’ said the rich man, ‘but I want to show my wife what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, smoke or gamble.’

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The woman walked into the butchers and selected a chicken. She prodded and poked it. Lifted one wing and sniffed beneath it. Lifted the other wing and did the same thing. Finally she looked at the chicken’s rear end and gave it another sniff.

‘This chicken is not fresh,’ she declared.

‘Lady,’ said the shopkeeper, ‘do you think you could pass the same test?’

grumpy old woman

Chasing Cars

An old fella was chasing the local girls and one of the nosey neighbours took it upon herself to tell his wife.

‘It doesn’t worry me,’ said the wife. ‘He can chase girls all he wants to. After all dogs chase cars. I’ve never seen a dog catch one and I doubt if they could drive one if they did’.

dog at fence

Feel free to spread the smiles around the usual haunts.. thanks for dropping by.. Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Parrots, Hamsters and Polo Mints.


What’s in a name?
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.

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Opera for peanuts
A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, “If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots.”

“Oh yes,” says the bartender. “How are you going to do that?” The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.

“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “Have you got anything else?”

The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along – sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.

The bartender is delighted.“I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?” he asks.

The man shook his head no. “Will you sell just one then?” asks the bartender.

“OK, I’ll sell you the parrot for $100” the man says.

The bartender is delighted and hands over the money.

Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, “You’re a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100”. “No I’m not,” the man replied. “The hamster is a ventriloquist”!!!

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In court
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot
when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted,
he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes,
I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
“If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for
contempt!”

10858001_10152908615806740_9051095730437155016_nMile High Club
The aircraft was on its final approach and after making his announcement to the passengers, the captain forgot to switch off the PA system.

‘As soon as we land I am going to have a cold beer and then make passionate love to that red-headed flight attendant.’

The flight attendant in question was shocked and began a hurried dash to the cockpit before anything else incriminating was revealed.

She was in such a hurry that she tripped over a suitcase sticking out into the aisle and fell in a heap. A little old lady leant over to her. ‘No need to rush dear,’ she said, ‘he said he was going to have a cold beer first.’

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Never underestimate the power of polo mints.
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something in the horse’s mouth just as a steward passed by.

‘What was that?’ inquired the steward.

‘Oh, nothing,’ said the trainer, ‘just a polo mint.’ He offered one to the steward. ‘Here, have one. And I’ll have one myself.’

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his riding instructions. ‘Just keep the horse on the rails. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the straight is either the steward or me.’

10933835_637249416380139_5469072875504992026_n

 I am offline for a couple of days but please leave your comments for my return.. Please feel free to spread the smiles around.  Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Rewind – Elderly logic, dating, pack behaviour and squirrels…from Tina Frisco


As I spend a little time offline getting ready for the first of my Christmas book fairs I thought I would reshare this post from earlier in the year when Tina Frisco stepped in with some more of her classic laughs for your benefit…More about Tina after the post.

I have also raided the archives and found some images that you might enjoy…

Dog Pack Attacks Gator in Florida

At times, nature can be cruel. But there also is a raw beauty, and even a certain justice, manifested within that cruelty. The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators – normally considered the ‘apex predator’ – can fall victim to the canine’s survival-of-the-pack mentality, evidenced by the strategical team work of their tight-knit social structure.

See the remarkable photograph below, courtesy of Nature Magazine.

Note that the alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator, preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing, and a third dog attacks the soft underbelly.

Warning!
This is not for the squeamish!

Touching Story of an Old Woman

This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after a school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. One of the women had received a new radio as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family have passed away. I am all alone now, and it’s nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful, and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me, and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes


Squirrels vs Churches

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. They humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels returned when the Baptists took down their water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They circumcised the first squirrel and haven’t seen one since.

Dating Ads for Seniors, found in The Villages,
the Newspaper of a Florida Senior Retirement Community

FOX
Fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. —————————————————-

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem. —————————————————-

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
—————————————————-

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
—————————————————-

BEATLES OR STONES
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
—————————————————-

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.


AND FINALLY…

A lady and gentleman in The Villages are sitting on benches opposite each other.

Lady: Are you new to the community?

Gentleman: No, I have owned a condo here for 20 years.

Lady: I have been here for 15 years, and I have never seen you around.

Gentleman: I have been in prison for the last 17 years!

She was stunned but finally asked him what he had done.

Gentleman: I murdered my first wife!

She was stunned again, but after a long pause . . .

Lady: So, you’re SINGLE?

About Tina Frisco

Tina Frisco is an author, singer-songwriter, RN, activist, and student of shamanism. Born in Pennsylvania USA, she attended nursing school in New York and lives in California. She began writing as a young child and received her first guitar at age 14, which launched her passion for music and songwriting. She has performed publicly in many different venues. Her publishing history includes book reviews; essays; articles in the field of medicine; her début novel, PLATEAU; her children’s book, GABBY AND THE QUADS; and her latest novel, VAMPYRIE. She enjoys writing, reading, music, dancing, arts and crafts, exploring nature, and frequently getting lost in working crossword puzzles.

One of the recent reviews for Plateau

Spiritually Moving and Uplifting on September 14, 2017

FIRST I must say that I loved this gentle little book. I devoured it in a single evening, so entranced by the story that I didn’t want to stop to read the inspiring quotes from Lynn V. Andrew’s Power Deck that began each chapter. Once I reached the end of the book I had to go back for the quotes, skimming each following chapter a second time.

NOW I must say that I have struggled with how I could possibly write a review — I’ve never read another book quite like it.

Other reviewers here have given you as much as you need to become familiar with the book’s “environment” – if I can call it that, introducing you to a few of the characters – so I won’t repeat similar content. But they can’t convey the deeply spiritual, uplifting essence of the book that, to me, is what makes it remarkable. Plateau never pontificates, but rather seduces the reader to come to his or her own spiritual realizations as the story unfolds.

I suppose the most impactful thing I can say is that I was infused with a sense of well-being when I finally put down my Kindle and turned off the light. I was in such a calm and totally relaxed positive state of mind that I transitioned easily and almost immediately into a deep sleep – a rare experience in my life.

Read all the reviews and buy the books: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY

And on Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY

Read more reviews and follow Tina on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6497599.Tina_Frisco

Here is how you can connect to Tina on her website and social media.

Website ~ http://tinafrisco.com
Amazon ~ http://hyperurl.co/3vme2a
Facebook ~ https://www.facebook.com/TinaFrisco.Author
Twitter ~ http://bit.ly/14VXY49
LinkedIn ~ http://linkd.in/1aAGwXl
Google+ ~ http://bit.ly/1Fc1Uzn
Goodreads ~ http://bit.ly/165vmVp

Please feel free to share the smiles.. and thanks to Tina for her support and sense of humour.. thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Dog Language and other canine behaviours.


It is Friday and time to let our hair down with a few visual aids.  Whilst the first one is cute, it is actually quite an important infographic that identifies your dogs body language..

And then there is this.

 

 

And completely unrelated because it made me laugh..

Have a great weekend…. don’t do anything that I wouldn’t.. Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy -More observations on life from cowboys and cats.


Some bits and bobs today….

THE HENPECKED HUSBAND

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. “You don’t have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you’re the boss.”

The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn’t wait to try the doctor’s advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, “From now on, you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes.

Tonight, I’m going out with the boys and you’re going to stay home where you belong. And another thing…you know who’s going to comb my hair, iron my pants, Polish my shoes and tie my tie?”

“I certainly do,” said his wife calmly,

“The undertaker.”

 

Some of life’s observations

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me … they’re cramming for their final exam.

 

An Old Ranchers advice

  • Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
  • Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
  • Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
  • A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
  • Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
  • Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
  • Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
  • Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
  • It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
  • You cannot unsay a cruel word.
  • Every path has a few puddles.
  • When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
  • The best sermons are lived, not preached.
  • Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen, anyway.
  • Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
  • Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  • Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
  • Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin ‘.
  • Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
  • The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
  • Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
  • If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
  • http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/humerous/humorous_28.htm

Thanks for popping in and please feel free to share the smiles…. thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Life’s Great Truths and some Snippets


There are lessons to be learnt along our life’s path and here are a few that you might recognise.  And some funny snippets.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

 

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the joy.

 

 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

But don’t give up just yet… keep laughing and dancing and you could be doing this at 90.

I hope you have enjoyed and please feel free to pass along.. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – One Liners – Part Six and some Snippets


Welcome to the last of the one liners… along with images drawn by young children that confirm the expression ‘Out of the mouths of babes!’

1.Experience is a wonderful thing – it enables you to recognize a mistake when
you make it again.

2.After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history.

3.Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.

4.Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?

5.I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

6.If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

7.All the world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.

8.I am in shape. Round is a shape.

9.Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

10.Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

11.I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

12.I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

13.The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.

15.I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

16.No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

17.Quoting one is plagiarism…quoting many is research.

18.If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

19.I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

20.Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

21.The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

22.You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

23.I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

24.Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

25.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

26.I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

27.I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

28.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.

29.I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

30.How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I hope these made you chuckle and feel free to pass them on… thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Archives – One Liners Part Five and some snippets.


I am sharing this post from July 2016… I know that some of you commented at the time but hope time has dulled your memory as much as mine!  I have also included some funnies from Facebook that I have pinched over the last few weeks.

Time for part five of the one-liners..I am hoping that I am not repeating any but the odd one might slip through and be noted by the more eagle-eyed of you..  enjoy.

1. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
2. He who hesitates is boss.
3. As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
4. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
5. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
6. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

7. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
8. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
9. Movie related foods (Maltesers, Buttered Popcorn, ice-cream cornets, choc ices, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.
10. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
11. Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
12. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.

 

 

13. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles
14. Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
15. Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
16. Drawing on my fine command of language, I’ll say nothing.
17. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
18. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

19. You know you drink too much coffee if you help your dog chase its tail.
20. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
21. Grow your own dope, plant a man
22. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
23. When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
24. Time is the best teacher…unfortunately it kills all of its students.

25. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
26. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
27. Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
28. Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.
29. You have the right to remain silent – anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
30. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Thank you for dropping by and hope you enjoyed.. please feel free to pass them on.. Thanks Sally