Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – May 20th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin -Worry the Devil and Complaints


Welcome to laughter lines with some words of wisdom from Debby Gies and a few funnies from Sally.

 

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

The complaints department

A man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years. After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. ‘Bed hard’.

He is promised the problem will be looked into.

Another five years pass. This time his two words are ‘Food cold.’

Again his superiors promise to address the issue.

Five years later his two words are, ‘I quit.’ His superiors look at each other wearily.

‘We’re not in the slightest bit surprised. You’ve done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years.

Long distance gardening.

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his carrot garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,” For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the Money!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Now plant your carrots, Dad. It’s the best I could do from here.”

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – April 22nd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Stress Test and Cheap Cow


Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks.

  If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon USAnd: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

Discerning film goer

A couple go to a movie and find that a few seats to their right is a man and his dog. The dog seemed well behaved enough so they didn’t call an usher to complain. They watch the movie and notice that during the action scenes, the dog is on the edge of his seat, watching intently. During the the happy scenes, the dog wagged his tail happily. In the sad scenes, the dog would whimper. And in the scary scenes, the dog hid under the seat. When the movie was over, the couple approached the dog owner. The wife said “We can’t believe how much your dog enjoyed the movie.” The dog’s owner replied “Me either. He didn’t like the book.”

Cheap cow...

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”

 

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Hosted by Sally Cronin – If nothing else makes you smile today!


Today a random mix of funnies from Novembers since 2015… I just went into my media library for that month and picked one of the funnies in the folder.. I had forgotten most of them but it has been a long time…I hope you enjoy….and leave with a grin as engaging as these guys….

 

Thanks for dropping in today and I hope that if nothing else has made you smile today.. these have… Have a good weekend… Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – TGI Friday – host Sally Cronin


It has been one of those weeks when even the weather doesn’t know what is doing…90 degrees at lunchtime and violent thunderstorms for four hours during the night. This turmoil is reflected in the headlines, with computer equipment, global leadership,and relationships.

Thank goodness they can’t take away our sense of humour….

Thanks for dropping by today and I hope that you are leaving with a smile on your face.. enjoy the weekend..thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies that she has spotted that she thinks you would enjoy…..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

You have fair warning… Christmas jokes will start to appear on Thursday…. resistance is futile…..

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USBlog: D.G. Writes Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: The Travel Column with D.G. Kaye

And now a joke or two from my archives

Words of wisdom

A man had been contemplating the world’s population,
It’s amazing, he told his friend. Every time I breathe in and out someone dies.
Have you tried mouthwash said his friend

*****

‘Every man should have a girl for love, companionship and sympathy,’ said a wise and mature bachelor. ‘Preferably at three different addresses,’ he added

Quick thinking

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note: ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

Thank you for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now time for a joke from my archives…

Squirrels vs Churches

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. They humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later, the squirrels returned when the Baptists took down their water slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They circumcised the first squirrel and haven’t seen one since.

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and some jokes from Sally’s Archives.


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies this week that she feels you should not miss.. ..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: http://www.amazon.com/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO
Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s monthly Travel Column here on Smorgasbord: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/the-travel-column-with-d-g-kaye/

Now time for a couple of jokes from my archives..

On the subject of losing weight

Dieting is something of a religion for most people. They eat what they want and pray that they don’t gain weight.

The best way to lose weight is to skip…. Chocolate and desserts.

The hardest part of any diet isn’t watching what you eat but watching what other people eat.

DIY

Two men were talking one day about organic vegetables. One man asks where to find them and the other replied that he had gone to the information desk at the supermarket with some vegetables that he had picked up from the fresh produce department.

He asked the assistant if the vegetables which were for his wife, had been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals? The assistant replied. ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.’

Taxi Driver’s First Day on the Job

During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to side of road.
Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, “Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse”

Thank you for dropping by today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face..Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Headline news ..and the Cake Bake Sale


 

Church bake sale….

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies’ group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom — a roll of toilet paper & newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn’t imagine what had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? “Oh, my,” she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP ‘d she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. Then, to Alice’s horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “GOD is good.”

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….please pass it on.. thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One-Liners – Part Three.. 61 to 90 – Feel free to groan.


Here is the next set of one – liners – please feel free to groan!!

Part two can be found here: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/05/29/smorgasbord-laughter-lines-one-liners-marathon-part-two-31-60/

61. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

62. For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

63. I’m going to start thinking positive, but I know it won’t work.

64. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

65. You can’t have everything – where would you put it?

66. When you go into court you’re putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough get out of jury duty.

67. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

68. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

69. How can there be self-help “groups”?

70. If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

71. If you shouldn’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

72. Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

73. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

74. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

75. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

76. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

77. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

78. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

79. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

80. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

81. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

82. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

83. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

84. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

85. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

86. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

87. Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

88. He who hesitates is boss.

89. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

90. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

Thanks for dropping in today and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Last wishes, Quickies and Sports Injuries.


Last wish.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?”

“Aye, That he did, Father…”

“And what did he say?”

“He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun…”

 

Quickies

A woman is showing off a huge diamond on her finger to her friends. ‘This is the Klopman diamond, worth millions,’ she tells them, ‘but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.’
‘What is the curse? ask her friends breathlessly. ‘Mr. Klopman.’

00000

There is so much sin around these days that the local church has put in two more confessionals.’Five items or less!’

00000

A police officer flags down an elderly driver and says, ‘Excuse me sir, didn’t you realise your wife fell out of the car three miles back?’

‘Thank God,’ the old man replies, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

Marketing

In an effort to boost sales United Airlines announced that for two weeks only, any business executive who travelled on a midweek flight could take his wife along with him for only 20% of the normal fare. In order to judge the success of this campaign, they emailed all the wives concerned, asking them if they had enjoyed their flights.

Ninety percent of the wives emailed back asking ‘What Flight?’

 

Sports injuries

Yesterday while leaving the tennis courts, I noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the fence. I picked the balls up, put them in my pocket, and proceeded on my way.

Walking toward my car, I noticed a beautiful blonde standing close by and smiling. “What are those big bulges in your tennis shorts?” she asked with a smile.. “Tennis balls.” I answered, smiling back.

“Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.

Things are not always what they seem……

While driving through the desert in New Mexico a woman’s car ran out of petrol. After a lengthy wait and becoming concerned that she would run out of water and never be found, she was delighted when a young Red Indian rode up on his horse. She sat behind him and was intrigued with his habit of letting a wild yell from time to time. She put it down to Indian whoops she had seen on the movies.

He dropped her off at a gas station with another ‘Ya-hoo’.

‘What was going on between you two?’ asked the gas station attendant as he prepared to drop her back to her car with a can of petrol.

‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘ I simply rode behind him with my arms around his waist holding onto the saddle horn.

‘Don’t you know that Indians ride bareback,’ he replied.

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I hope you have enjoyed today’s humour.. please pass the smiles on…. Sally