It is always useful to have a few jokes in your repertoire… You know, that moment when someone asks you if you have heard any good jokes lately. Here are a few to get you started with more to come in the next couple of posts.
How old are you Grandma?’ asked little Rebecca.
‘Oh, I don’t know dear,’ said Grandma with a smile. ‘I’ve had so many birthdays, I’ve lost count!’
‘Well, why don’t you look in your knickers,’ said Rebecca. ‘Mine say three to four years old.’
A young man laboured under the delusion that he was a Yorkshire terrier. His friends persuaded him to seek professional help and he went to a psychiatrist for a course of treatment. Some weeks later, he met one of his friends in the street. ‘And how are things now?’ asked his friend. ‘Did the psychiatrist cure you?’
‘Oh yes,’ said the young man. ‘I’m quite okay now. Fit as a fiddle – here, feel my nose.’
A woman walked into a psychiatrist’s office carrying a duck under her arm. ‘What seems to be the problem?’ asked the psychiatrist. ‘Well, it’s not me, actually,’ said the woman. ‘It’s my husband. He thinks he’s a duck.’
‘I’m prescribing these pills for you,’ said the doctor to the grossly overweight patient, who tipped the scales at 300lbs. ‘I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up one at a time.’
Miss Smythe was miffed… Her pet a Chihuahua was consistently second in dog shows throughout the country… One day she decided to investigate by asking the judges why this was happening. It was explained to her that the true Chihuahua breed had smooth coats and her dog, despite being perfect in every other way, had a shaggy coat.
Miss Smythe decided to take action and popped into a local pharmacist to buy some hair remover.
The chemist handed her the latest product. ‘When you slap this on, it’s best to keep your arms up for two or three minutes,’ he said.
‘Oh it’s not for my underarms, it’s for my Chihuahua,’ she explained.
‘In that case,’ said the chemist, ‘don’t ride a bike for 30 minutes.’
The parish priest was a welcome visitor for short-sighted Mrs. Evans and after he had left one day she commented to her daughter how kind he was.
‘But that wasn’t the priest mum that was the doctor.’
‘Oh was it?’ Mrs Evans exclaimed with relief, ‘I thought Father O’Malley was getting a bit familiar!’
Popes and Lawyers.
The Pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates on the same cloud as a lawyer. They are both ushered in and St. Peter assigns the lawyer to a mansion with a golf course while the Pope is confined to a single room with a radio.
Even the lawyer is surprised. ‘How come?’ he asked.
St. Peter replied: ‘We have near on 100 popes, but you are the first lawyer.’
I hope you have enjoyed this selection and more on Thursday… thanks Sally.