Nothing like a giggly Christmas………..
On that note….
And please enter the answers to the following questions in the comments…and hopefully they will be as clean as your undies!!!
A young man fell desperately in love with a very well to do young lady. The day came when it was time to meet the parents and the young man was astounded to see the massive country house that his beloved had been brought up in. He was petrified enough to meet her parents and also knew that his girlfriend expected him to ask her father for her hand in marriage.
His fears were realised when he met the colonel… Dressed to go hunting and waspish. Eventually, the family sat around the large table in the dining room and the butler and the footman served Sunday Lunch.
There were many assorted vegetables and to be fair most were unknown to the now very nervous suitor. He ate everything that he was given and on top of the butterflies in his stomach wind began to gather in his nether regions.
Despite his best efforts there was an escape of said wind and the colonel looked up from his lunch and gave a suspicious look under the table.
‘Rover, get out from under the table you damn dog!’
Highly relieved that there was a hapless dog to be blamed for his indiscretion, the young man, gratefully released one or two more cauliflower induced bouquets.
Each time the fierce patriarch would look under the table and began shouting at the dog…
‘Rover, get out from under the table… I will not tell you again.
After one final expulsion of air and just as the young man had screwed up his courage to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. The colonel bent down from his chair and shouted down the underside of the long table.
‘Rover, for goodness sake get out from under the table before he gasses you!.
‘Here, have a cigarette,’ said the businessman.
‘No, I don’t smoke,’ replied the tramp.
‘Then let me buy you a drink.’
‘No, I don’t drink.’
‘Then let me change your luck and buy you a lottery ticket.’
‘No thank you, I never gamble. Couldn’t you spare some money for a decent meal?’
The businessman looked at him. ‘I can do better than that,’ he said. ‘You come home with me and I’ll cook you the biggest meal you ever saw.’
‘Wouldn’t it be easier if you just gave me the money?’
‘Easier, yes,’ said the rich man, ‘but I want to show my wife what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, smoke or gamble.’
The woman walked into the butchers and selected a chicken. She prodded and poked it. Lifted one wing and sniffed beneath it. Lifted the other wing and did the same thing. Finally she looked at the chicken’s rear end and gave it another sniff.
‘This chicken is not fresh,’ she declared.
‘Lady,’ said the shopkeeper, ‘do you think you could pass the same test?’
An old fella was chasing the local girls and one of the nosey neighbours took it upon herself to tell his wife.
‘It doesn’t worry me,’ said the wife. ‘He can chase girls all he wants to. After all dogs chase cars. I’ve never seen a dog catch one and I doubt if they could drive one if they did’.
Feel free to spread the smiles around the usual haunts.. thanks for dropping by.. Sally
What’s in a name?
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.
Opera for peanuts
A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, “If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots.”
“Oh yes,” says the bartender. “How are you going to do that?” The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.
“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “Have you got anything else?”
The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along – sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.
The bartender is delighted.“I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?” he asks.
The man shook his head no. “Will you sell just one then?” asks the bartender.
“OK, I’ll sell you the parrot for $100” the man says.
The bartender is delighted and hands over the money.
Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, “You’re a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100”. “No I’m not,” the man replied. “The hamster is a ventriloquist”!!!
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot
when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted,
he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes,
I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
“If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for
‘As soon as we land I am going to have a cold beer and then make passionate love to that red-headed flight attendant.’
The flight attendant in question was shocked and began a hurried dash to the cockpit before anything else incriminating was revealed.
She was in such a hurry that she tripped over a suitcase sticking out into the aisle and fell in a heap. A little old lady leant over to her. ‘No need to rush dear,’ she said, ‘he said he was going to have a cold beer first.’
Never underestimate the power of polo mints.
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something in the horse’s mouth just as a steward passed by.
‘What was that?’ inquired the steward.
‘Oh, nothing,’ said the trainer, ‘just a polo mint.’ He offered one to the steward. ‘Here, have one. And I’ll have one myself.’
After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his riding instructions. ‘Just keep the horse on the rails. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the straight is either the steward or me.’
I am offline for a couple of days but please leave your comments for my return.. Please feel free to spread the smiles around. Sally
Tina Frisco is an author who writes blog posts that off wise counsel to all of us making our way in this modern world. She also has a wicked sense of humour and she sent me these jokes last year and I think after 12 months it is time to repeat them. You can find out more about Tina and her books at the end of the post.
I have added some of the funnies I have collected from around the various haunts.
A man is looking through a cemetery when he hears some music. He looks around to see who is playing it but can’t see anyone. Searching for the source, he finally finds it coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827
Then he realizes the music is Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and is being played backward.
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the Seventh Symphony is playing, also backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.When they return, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.The expert notices the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. By the next day, the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone asks him if he has an explanation for all of this. “I would have thought it was obvious,” he replied. “He’s decomposing.”
1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to go to the toilet.
2.Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6.Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7.Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
8.Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10.Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12.Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13.Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14.Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
15.Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
16.Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet!
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18.Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
19.Law of Comparisons – Guns are a lot like parachutes, if you need one and don’t have one, you’ll probably never need one again.
Heaven help us all!
In a University Classroom, students were discussing the qualifications required to be Prime Minister of Canada.
The candidate must be a natural-born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
One young woman began ranting that the natural-born-citizen requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming Prime Minister. The class let her rant, and few jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural-born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”
What WAS she thinking?
My thanks to Tina for sharing these funnies with us and here are her books and how to get in touch with her.
Books by Tina Frisco
A recent review for Plateau
Spiritually Moving and Uplifting on September 14, 2017
FIRST I must say that I loved this gentle little book. I devoured it in a single evening, so entranced by the story that I didn’t want to stop to read the inspiring quotes from Lynn V. Andrew’s Power Deck that began each chapter. Once I reached the end of the book I had to go back for the quotes, skimming each following chapter a second time.
NOW I must say that I have struggled with how I could possibly write a review — I’ve never read another book quite like it.
Other reviewers here have given you as much as you need to become familiar with the book’s “environment” – if I can call it that, introducing you to a few of the characters – so I won’t repeat similar content. But they can’t convey the deeply spiritual, uplifting essence of the book that, to me, is what makes it remarkable. Plateau never pontificates, but rather seduces the reader to come to his or her own spiritual realizations as the story unfolds.
I suppose the most impactful thing I can say is that I was infused with a sense of well-being when I finally put down my Kindle and turned off the light. I was in such a calm and totally relaxed positive state of mind that I transitioned easily and almost immediately into a deep sleep – a rare experience in my life.
Read all the reviews and buy the books: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY
And on Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY
Read more reviews and follow Tina on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6497599.Tina_Frisco
Connect to Tina via her blog and website: https://tinafrisco.com/
My thanks to Tina Frisco for contributing these funnies last December… Tina is on a blogging break right now but you can find out about her and how to buy her books at the end of the post.
My thanks to Tina for sharing these funnies and I hope you enjoyed.
Books by Tina Frisco
One of the most recent reviews for the newly released edition of Plateau.
At the first turn of page one in the Plateau: Beyond the Trees, the reader steps back into time, or possibly the future, to meet the E’Ghali tribe and the young, W’Hyani. The story is told through her experiences and life journey as W’Hyani embarks on a hero’s journey fraught with all the hardships and heartbreaks that life can bring. Yet, somehow the lessons she learns come across as fresh and new leading her on the path to illumination.
At the core of the story is the legend of the sacred cave of the E’Ghali where the Great Mosaic represents the Great One. W’hyani and her parents hold the key to this mystery as they grapple with their destinies. Each family member holds a special place in the fulfillment of W’Hyani’s destiny.
At times, travelers from “the city” ventured onto E’Ghali land and relationships were established. When this happened, I couldn’t quite tell if we were in the future or the past. It didn’t really matter because the tribal legends spoke of a time when humans would be able to exist in peace and love which left me with the feeling that this event would soon take place. When this event occurs is not the point. Instead, it is the fact that it will happen that captures your spirit.
Such is W’Hyani’s destiny as the Keeper of the Crystal Heart. She represents hope and the future of all mankind.
At the beginning of each chapter, the author shares a quote from Lynn V. Andrew’s, The Power Deck. Each of these quotes drove home a powerful message that was highlighted by W’Hyani’s particular journey in that chapter. I was deeply moved by many of these passages which were a great addition to the story.
Read all the reviews and buy the books: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY
Read more reviews and follow Tina on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6497599.Tina_Frisco
Connect to Tina via her blog and website: https://tinafrisco.com/
Mrs T and I have collaborated today on some cat and dog laffs and philosophies.. Cats and dogs do tend to differ in their approach to life but there is no doubt that both give us the love we deserve… which is why it is an excellent idea to be loving and kind to them.
And some of the differences between cats and dogs are demonstrated in this short ‘How to’ video that always makes me laugh.
Enjoy the rest of the day and thanks to Mrs T. for sharing her sense of humour today.
Pass the laffs on.. thanks Sally
In the last week I looked at some of our hard-wired changes to our body, brain and emotions. How we feel is critical to our overall well being and there have been a number of studies into the effect of laughter on our health. One of the organs that benefits the most is actually our brain.
Holding onto your marbles.
It is very important that as well as feeding the brain nutrients and supplying healthy fats, oxygen and fluids, you provide it with stimulation.
One of the causes of dementia is lack of stimulation. Visual, aural, verbal. For elderly people the world begins to shrink back until they are probably restricted in movement within a small space with perhaps just the television or radio for company. Even with the Television you will find that eventually there will only be one or two channels watched with the news and soap operas and Midsummer murders!
This is why any social interaction is so important as we get older. For most, not all, our natural instinct is to recede to a safe zone but those who do stay in the world and continue to laugh, enjoy new music, movies, plays and group activities, stay mentally and physically healthier.
Laughter is universal – every culture will have its particular funny bone that others would not see the point of, but put most of us in a room with other nationalities and eventually someone will start us off. It might be a stand-up comedian in front of a packed theatre – or it might be round the dinner table after a couple of glasses of good wine.
Children have a natural ability to laugh from a very early age – they are not afraid to express themselves – they do not have years of conditioning about what is appropriate or not. I remember getting a fit of the giggles at my mother’s funeral – imagining her reactions to the proceedings. I only managed to hang onto my decorum by severely grasping my husband’s left thigh in a death grip which to onlookers might have looked equally inappropriate!
There are actually laughter clubs around the world where people gather and start a voluntary laughter cycle rather than a spontaneous one. No humour or jokes involved, just a steady Ha,ha,ha. Hasyayoga is performed in groups with eye contact and you will be surprised how soon the deliberate laughter turns into the infectious kind we are used to in a crowd. The belief is that forced laughter holds the same benefits as the naturally occurring variety.
Health benefits of laughter.
When we laugh we tend to increase our rate of breathing inhaling more oxygen which gets pumped into our bodies filling us with energy and at the same time reducing stress.
As we laugh heartily, nearly all of the 400 muscles in the body will come into play, which is a form of internal aerobics.
If you laugh throughout an hour-long comedy show, or at someone’s jokes, you will use up 500 calories.
The act of laughing causes our blood vessels to dilate reducing blood pressure and stimulates the production of more T-cells in our immune system helping us to fight infections.
Laughing releases endorphins and neuropeptides into the bloodstream which have a number of measurable effects on us. These either act as painkillers or improve your mood.
The types of problems that seem to respond well to laughter therapy are stress, asthma, arthritis, insomnia, depression, frequent infections and recovery from cancer.
Laughing with others strengthens social bonds, attracts people with similar senses of humour, helps relieve tensions in relationships and illustrates a level of trust where you are willing to share something trivial or amusing with another. Laughter is as contagious as a cold or flu and there is actually something very satisfying about reducing someone to tears with laughter.
So it strengthens your immune system, increases your cardiovascular flexibility, makes you think clearly, improves your mood, releases stress, relieves pain, lowers your blood pressure, boosts the entire body and if it is shared with a friend doubles the effects.
There is no doubt that attitude does make a huge difference when you are battling a serious illness and laughter plays a major part in turning infusing the body with a positive energetic and healing environment.
And this is the way to do it…
As we go through life there are some little peeves that add up to a whole lot of frustration especially when they congregate together is the space of a few hours.
Let me know how many of these peeves have you steaming on a regular basis.
The tiny red string on the band-aid wrapper never works for you (particularly when you are bleeding all over the kitchen floor)
Trying on sunglasses with a great big security tag in the middle of them
The person who drives their shopping trolley into the back of you.
The elevator stops at every floor in the 25 storey building and nobody gets on.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
After lunch and several meetings you discover a piece of spinach stuck in your front teeth.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
You wash your trousers in your weekly wash and discover there was a tissue in the pocket.
You set your alarm for 7p.m. instead of 7.00am.
Your glasses steam up when you are reading in the bath.
You park your car with plenty of space each side and someone parks right up against your driver’s side.
Add your little peeves in the comments section.
In an effort to boost sales United Airlines announced that for two weeks only, any business executive who travelled on a midweek flight could take his wife along with him for only 20% of the normal fare. In order to judge the success of this campaign, they emailed all the wives concerned, asking them if they had enjoyed their flights.
Ninety percent of the wives emailed back asking ‘What Flight?’
Farmer Joe and Bessie.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”.
Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
“Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
“Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.’
“Then he said, ‘How are YOU feeling?’”
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach.”
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma
The second part of the email that my lovely friend Tina sent me ….Keep laughing….
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED
Men are just happier people, right? What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes – one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
Is it any wonder men are happier!
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.·If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,” Kemo Sabe, look toward sky. What you see?”
The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Methodologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?”
“You dumber than buffalo! It mean someone stole tent!”
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night
Catholic Church Renovations
Elder priest to young priest: “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”
The young priest nodded as the elder priest continued: “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock n’ roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” replied the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elder priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”
“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied the elder priest, “and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell” cannot stay on the church roof.”
Don’t Mess with Nuns
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic School was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary Double Genuflection, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all of these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary Double Genuflection asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.Don’t mess with a nuns! They are wicked smart!
I hope you have had a great weekend. Jokes are always welcome and it is also an opportunity to showcase your blog or website. My thanks to Tina Frisco for the contributions this weekend.
Connect to Tina on her website and social media and buy her books.
BUY Tina’s books: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY
Thanks for dropping by.. Sally
If my body was a car
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull…
But that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here’s the worst of it.
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!
A fellow was cleaning out his attic one morning when he came across an old brass lamp. He gave it a rub and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
‘I am the genie of the lamp,’ said the apparition. ‘For releasing me, I will answer any three questions you care to ask.’
‘Who? Me?’ said the young man.
‘Yes, You,’ replied the genie. ‘Now, what’s your third question?’
Out of the mouths of babes..
How old are you Grandma?’ asked little Rebecca.
‘Oh, I don’t know dear,’ said Grandma with a smile. ‘I’ve had so many birthdays, I’ve lost count!’
‘Well, why don’t you look in your knickers,’ said Rebecca. ‘Mine say three to four years old.’
You will feel very sleepy…..
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’centre.
After the community sing-song led by Alice at the piano, It was time for the Star of the Show – Claude the Hypnotist.
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” Said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke.
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact
“S**T” said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Centre
And Claude was never invited to entertain again.
At the wake..
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
Have a great weekend.. spread the smiles..
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