Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Dogs under the dining room table!


A young man fell desperately in love with a very well to do young lady. The day came when it was time to meet the parents and the young man was astounded to see the massive country house that his beloved had been brought up in. He was petrified enough to meet her parents and also knew that his girlfriend expected him to ask her father for her hand in marriage.

His fears were realised when he met the colonel… Dressed to go hunting and waspish. Eventually, the family sat around the large table in the dining room and the butler and the footman served Sunday Lunch.

There were many assorted vegetables and to be fair most were unknown to the now very nervous suitor. He ate everything that he was given and on top of the butterflies in his stomach wind began to gather in his nether regions.

Despite his best efforts there was an escape of said wind and the colonel looked up from his lunch and gave a suspicious look under the table.

‘Rover, get out from under the table you damn dog!’

Highly relieved that there was a hapless dog to be blamed for his indiscretion, the young man, gratefully released one or two more cauliflower induced bouquets.

Each time the fierce patriarch would look under the table and began shouting at the dog…

‘Rover, get out from under the table… I will not tell you again.

After one final expulsion of air and just as the young man had screwed up his courage to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage. The colonel bent down from his chair and shouted down the underside of the long table.

‘Rover, for goodness sake get out from under the table before he gasses you!.

funny-how-i-feel-when-cops-are-driving-behind-me-011A rich man was accosted by a disreputable looking bloke who asked for some money for a meal.

‘Here, have a cigarette,’ said the businessman.

‘No, I don’t smoke,’ replied the tramp.

‘Then let me buy you a drink.’

‘No, I don’t drink.’

‘Then let me change your luck and buy you a lottery ticket.’

‘No thank you, I never gamble. Couldn’t you spare some money for a decent meal?’

The businessman looked at him. ‘I can do better than that,’ he said. ‘You come home with me and I’ll cook you the biggest meal you ever saw.’

‘Wouldn’t it be easier if you just gave me the money?’

‘Easier, yes,’ said the rich man, ‘but I want to show my wife what happens to a man who doesn’t drink, smoke or gamble.’

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The woman walked into the butchers and selected a chicken. She prodded and poked it. Lifted one wing and sniffed beneath it. Lifted the other wing and did the same thing. Finally she looked at the chicken’s rear end and gave it another sniff.

‘This chicken is not fresh,’ she declared.

‘Lady,’ said the shopkeeper, ‘do you think you could pass the same test?’

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Chasing Cars

An old fella was chasing the local girls and one of the nosey neighbours took it upon herself to tell his wife.

‘It doesn’t worry me,’ said the wife. ‘He can chase girls all he wants to. After all dogs chase cars. I’ve never seen a dog catch one and I doubt if they could drive one if they did’.

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Feel free to spread the smiles around the usual haunts.. thanks for dropping by.. Sally

 

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Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Parrots, Hamsters and Polo Mints.


What’s in a name?
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:

“Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around frantically. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.

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Opera for peanuts
A man went into a bar and said to the bartender, “If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots.”

“Oh yes,” says the bartender. “How are you going to do that?” The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.

“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “Have you got anything else?”

The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along – sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stayed all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.

The bartender is delighted.“I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?” he asks.

The man shook his head no. “Will you sell just one then?” asks the bartender.

“OK, I’ll sell you the parrot for $100” the man says.

The bartender is delighted and hands over the money.

Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said, “You’re a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only $100”. “No I’m not,” the man replied. “The hamster is a ventriloquist”!!!

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In court
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot
when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across
the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted,
he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes,
I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,
“If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for
contempt!”

10858001_10152908615806740_9051095730437155016_nMile High Club
The aircraft was on its final approach and after making his announcement to the passengers, the captain forgot to switch off the PA system.

‘As soon as we land I am going to have a cold beer and then make passionate love to that red-headed flight attendant.’

The flight attendant in question was shocked and began a hurried dash to the cockpit before anything else incriminating was revealed.

She was in such a hurry that she tripped over a suitcase sticking out into the aisle and fell in a heap. A little old lady leant over to her. ‘No need to rush dear,’ she said, ‘he said he was going to have a cold beer first.’

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Never underestimate the power of polo mints.
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something in the horse’s mouth just as a steward passed by.

‘What was that?’ inquired the steward.

‘Oh, nothing,’ said the trainer, ‘just a polo mint.’ He offered one to the steward. ‘Here, have one. And I’ll have one myself.’

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his riding instructions. ‘Just keep the horse on the rails. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the straight is either the steward or me.’

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 I am offline for a couple of days but please leave your comments for my return.. Please feel free to spread the smiles around.  Sally

 

Laughter the best medicine – Hippies, Beethoven and Natural Born Citizens!


Tina Frisco is an author who writes blog posts that off wise counsel to all of us making our way in this modern world. She also has a wicked sense of humour and she sent me these jokes last year and I think after 12 months it is time to repeat them.  You can find out more about Tina and her books at the end of the post.

I have added some of the funnies I have collected from around the various haunts.

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A man is looking through a cemetery when he hears some music. He looks around to see who is playing it but can’t see anyone. Searching for the source, he finally finds it coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827

Then he realizes the music is Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and is being played backward.

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the Seventh Symphony is playing, also backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.When they return, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.The expert notices the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. By the next day, the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone asks him if he has an explanation for all of this. “I would have thought it was obvious,” he replied. “He’s decomposing.”

LIFE’S LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to go to the toilet.

2.Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7.Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8.Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15.Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet!

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18.Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

19.Law of Comparisons – Guns are a lot like parachutes, if you need one and don’t have one, you’ll probably never need one again.

Heaven help us all!

In a University Classroom, students were discussing the qualifications required to be Prime Minister of Canada.

The candidate must be a natural-born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

One young woman began ranting that the natural-born-citizen requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming Prime Minister. The class let her rant, and few jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural-born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”

What WAS she thinking?

My thanks to Tina for sharing these funnies with us and here are her books and how to get in touch with her.

 

Books by Tina Frisco

A recent review for Plateau

Spiritually Moving and Uplifting on September 14, 2017

FIRST I must say that I loved this gentle little book. I devoured it in a single evening, so entranced by the story that I didn’t want to stop to read the inspiring quotes from Lynn V. Andrew’s Power Deck that began each chapter. Once I reached the end of the book I had to go back for the quotes, skimming each following chapter a second time.

NOW I must say that I have struggled with how I could possibly write a review — I’ve never read another book quite like it.

Other reviewers here have given you as much as you need to become familiar with the book’s “environment” – if I can call it that, introducing you to a few of the characters – so I won’t repeat similar content. But they can’t convey the deeply spiritual, uplifting essence of the book that, to me, is what makes it remarkable. Plateau never pontificates, but rather seduces the reader to come to his or her own spiritual realizations as the story unfolds.

I suppose the most impactful thing I can say is that I was infused with a sense of well-being when I finally put down my Kindle and turned off the light. I was in such a calm and totally relaxed positive state of mind that I transitioned easily and almost immediately into a deep sleep – a rare experience in my life.

Read all the reviews and buy the books: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY

And on Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY

Read more reviews and follow Tina on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6497599.Tina_Frisco

Connect to Tina via her blog and website: https://tinafrisco.com/

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy Rewind – Hot dogs, Swim Aids and Venetian blinds


My thanks to Tina Frisco for contributing these funnies last December… Tina is on a blogging break right now but you can find out about her and how to buy her books at the end of the post.

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My thanks to Tina for sharing these funnies and I hope you enjoyed.

Books by Tina Frisco

 

One of the most recent reviews for the newly released edition of Plateau.

At the first turn of page one in the Plateau: Beyond the Trees, the reader steps back into time, or possibly the future, to meet the E’Ghali tribe and the young, W’Hyani. The story is told through her experiences and life journey as W’Hyani embarks on a hero’s journey fraught with all the hardships and heartbreaks that life can bring. Yet, somehow the lessons she learns come across as fresh and new leading her on the path to illumination.

At the core of the story is the legend of the sacred cave of the E’Ghali where the Great Mosaic represents the Great One. W’hyani and her parents hold the key to this mystery as they grapple with their destinies. Each family member holds a special place in the fulfillment of W’Hyani’s destiny.

At times, travelers from “the city” ventured onto E’Ghali land and relationships were established. When this happened, I couldn’t quite tell if we were in the future or the past. It didn’t really matter because the tribal legends spoke of a time when humans would be able to exist in peace and love which left me with the feeling that this event would soon take place. When this event occurs is not the point. Instead, it is the fact that it will happen that captures your spirit.

Such is W’Hyani’s destiny as the Keeper of the Crystal Heart. She represents hope and the future of all mankind.
At the beginning of each chapter, the author shares a quote from Lynn V. Andrew’s, The Power Deck. Each of these quotes drove home a powerful message that was highlighted by W’Hyani’s particular journey in that chapter. I was deeply moved by many of these passages which were a great addition to the story.

Read all the reviews and buy the books: https://www.amazon.com/Tina-Frisco/e/B009NMOFNY

Read more reviews and follow Tina on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6497599.Tina_Frisco

Connect to Tina via her blog and website: https://tinafrisco.com/

 

Time for some laffs and some cat and dog views on life.


laffs

Mrs T and I have collaborated today on some cat and dog laffs and philosophies.. Cats and dogs do tend to differ in their approach to life but there is no doubt that both give us the love we deserve… which is why it is an excellent idea to be loving and kind to them.

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And some of the differences between cats and dogs are demonstrated in this short ‘How to’ video that always makes me laugh.

Enjoy the rest of the day and thanks to Mrs T. for sharing her sense of humour today.

Pass the laffs on.. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Health – Why laughter really is the best medicine…


Smorgasbord Health 2017

In the last week I looked at some of our hard-wired changes to our body, brain and emotions. How we feel is critical to our overall well being and there have been a number of studies into the effect of laughter on our health. One of the organs that benefits the most is actually our brain.

Holding onto your marbles.

It is very important that as well as feeding the brain nutrients and supplying healthy fats, oxygen and fluids, you provide it with stimulation.

One of the causes of dementia is lack of stimulation. Visual, aural, verbal. For elderly people the world begins to shrink back until they are probably restricted in movement within a small space with perhaps just the television or radio for company. Even with the Television you will find that eventually there will only be one or two channels watched with the news and soap operas and Midsummer murders!

This is why any social interaction is so important as we get older. For most, not all, our natural instinct is to recede to a safe zone but those who do stay in the world and continue to laugh, enjoy new music, movies, plays and group activities, stay mentally and physically healthier.

Laughter is universal – every culture will have its particular funny bone that others would not see the point of, but put most of us in a room with other nationalities and eventually someone will start us off. It might be a stand-up comedian in front of a packed theatre – or it might be round the dinner table after a couple of glasses of good wine.

Children have a natural ability to laugh from a very early age – they are not afraid to express themselves – they do not have years of conditioning about what is appropriate or not. I remember getting a fit of the giggles at my mother’s funeral – imagining her reactions to the proceedings. I only managed to hang onto my decorum by severely grasping my husband’s left thigh in a death grip which to onlookers might have looked equally inappropriate!

There are actually laughter clubs around the world where people gather and start a voluntary laughter cycle rather than a spontaneous one. No humour or jokes involved, just a steady Ha,ha,ha. Hasyayoga is performed in groups with eye contact and you will be surprised how soon the deliberate laughter turns into the infectious kind we are used to in a crowd. The belief is that forced laughter holds the same benefits as the naturally occurring variety.

Health benefits of laughter.

When we laugh we tend to increase our rate of breathing inhaling more oxygen which gets pumped into our bodies filling us with energy and at the same time reducing stress.

As we laugh heartily, nearly all of the 400 muscles in the body will come into play, which is a form of internal aerobics.

If you laugh throughout an hour-long comedy show, or at someone’s jokes, you will use up 500 calories.

The act of laughing causes our blood vessels to dilate reducing blood pressure and stimulates the production of more T-cells in our immune system helping us to fight infections.

Laughing releases endorphins and neuropeptides into the bloodstream which have a number of measurable effects on us. These either act as painkillers or improve your mood.

The types of problems that seem to respond well to laughter therapy are stress, asthma, arthritis, insomnia, depression, frequent infections and recovery from cancer.

Laughing with others strengthens social bonds, attracts people with similar senses of humour, helps relieve tensions in relationships and illustrates a level of trust where you are willing to share something trivial or amusing with another. Laughter is as contagious as a cold or flu and there is actually something very satisfying about reducing someone to tears with laughter.

So it strengthens your immune system, increases your cardiovascular flexibility, makes you think clearly, improves your mood, releases stress, relieves pain, lowers your blood pressure, boosts the entire body and if it is shared with a friend doubles the effects.

There is no doubt that attitude does make a huge difference when you are battling a serious illness and laughter plays a major part in turning infusing the body with a positive energetic and healing environment.

And this is the way to do it…

Smorgasbord 2016 in review -Laughter the best medicine – Tongue Twisters


This proved to be one of the most viewed Laughter the best medicine last year….best tried before not after alcohol…..

The majority of tongue twisters are designed to help students pronounce English words correctly and then there are the Drinking Games!

This is a test

Each of the following should be spoken as quickly as possible.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Betty Botter bought some butter
But she said the butter’s bitter
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter
But a bit of better butter will make my batter better
So ‘twas better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood
As a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood

She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I’m sure she sells seashore shells.

How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.

Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager
imagining managing an imaginary menagerie.

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One liners that should be said as quickly as possible and repeated as many times as you can.

Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.

Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards

Red lorry, yellow lorry

How many yaks could a yak pack pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?

Seventy seven benevolent elephants

New York Unique, Unique New York.

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And here are the drinking games which are best practised sober and in private before attempting in polite company with a glass or two of wine inside you.. trust me!

I slit the sheet and the sheet slit me, slit was the sheet that was slit by me.

I am a pheasant plucker, I’m a pheasant pluckers son and I’ll keep plucking pheasants until the pheasant plucker comes.

Six Cockney sock cutters, cockily cutting socks.

 Let me know how you did…….that is if you are still talking to me…

Smorgasbord Christmas Party – Laughter the best medicine –


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Nothing like a giggly Christmas………..

airbagCheapskate……

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,” he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.

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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

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A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

chicken-and-turkeySaint Nicholas is the main Clause.
His wife is a relative Clause.
His children are dependent Clauses.
Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.
Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.

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It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman’s good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: “Don’t be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up.”

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. “Wait!” she said. “Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!” So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking.

Eventually, she spoke: “First”, she said, “I want to be very, very wealthy.” Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: “Next”, she said, “I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18.” Poof!

The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. “Third”, she said to the fairy, “I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!”

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: “Hah! Now you’re really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!”

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One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2011/12 was going to be cold or mild. The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.

In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming winter. However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.

‘Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,’ the meteorological officer told the chief. Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.

A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. ‘Are you still forecasting a cold winter?’ he asked.

‘Yes, very cold’, the weather officer told him.

As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.

A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. ‘Yes,’ he was told, ‘it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied: ‘Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.’

And please enter the answers to the following questions in the comments…and hopefully they will be as clean as your undies!!!

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Laughter the best medicine – Life’s little peeves, Bessie and Grandma


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As we go through life there are some little peeves that add up to a whole lot of frustration especially when they congregate together is the space of a few hours.

Let me know how many of these peeves have you steaming on a regular basis.

The tiny red string on the band-aid wrapper never works for you (particularly when you are bleeding all over the kitchen floor)

Trying on sunglasses with a great big security tag in the middle of them

The person who drives their shopping trolley into the back of you.

The elevator stops at every floor in the 25 storey building and nobody gets on.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

After lunch and several meetings you discover a piece of spinach stuck in your front teeth.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

You wash your trousers in your weekly wash and discover there was a tissue in the pocket.

You set your alarm for 7p.m. instead of 7.00am.

Your glasses steam up when you are reading in the bath.

You park your car with plenty of space each side and someone parks right up against your driver’s side.

Add your little peeves in the comments section.

dog-the-bounty-hunterAnd some random funnies from the archives.

In an effort to boost sales United Airlines announced that for two weeks only, any business executive who travelled on a midweek flight could take his wife along with him for only 20% of the normal fare. In order to judge the success of this campaign, they emailed all the wives concerned, asking them if they had enjoyed their flights.

Ninety percent of the wives emailed back asking ‘What Flight?’

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Farmer Joe and Bessie.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”.

Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

“Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

“Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.’

“Then he said, ‘How are YOU feeling?’”

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Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach.”

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma

10366109_659622550788767_3264870116604577012_nHope you are having a great day… pass on the smiles.. Sally

Laughter the best medicine – Papal indulgences – Age and all its advantages!


1382305_762693387129330_8626934527626316646_nAfter getting all of Pope John Paul’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.”Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.”I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.”So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.

The Chief then asked, “Who you got there, the Mayor?

“Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!!”

Tips and strategies for getting older…..

sky-divingJust before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

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I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

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 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

image26Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!  Sally