Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Naval Intelligence and Tell it to the Marines


My father served in the Royal Navy for 37 years plus an extra ten in a civilian capacity.  There were good natured jokes and rivalry between the senior service, army and Royal Air Force.  Here are a few that I have sourced from archives and various sites.

Signals

 During a naval exercise in the Mediterranean, a signaller rushed up to the bridge and said, ‘Captain, this message just came in.’

‘Read it out,’ said the captain.

‘Well, sir, I….’ the signalman stammered.

‘Just read it out man…now!’ snapped the captain.

‘Right, sir,’ said the signalman. ‘It reads: What the hell do you think you are doing, you stupid, blundering idiot? You’re not fit to be in command!’

‘Yes, well…’ said the captain. ‘Have that decoded at once.’

Enlistment

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, “Why do you want to join the Navy, son?” “My father said it’d be a good idea, sir.” “Oh? And what does your father do?” “He’s in the Army, sir.”

Trouble

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, “Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.

The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, “Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts.”

The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink ‘before the trouble starts.’

After several rounds of this, the bartender says, “Look Sailor, you’ve been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this ‘trouble’ going to start?”

The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. “The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don’t have any money.”

Old Ironsides

The USS Constitution, Old Ironsides, as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. However, let it be noted that according to her log:

“On July 22, 1798, the USS Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”

Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”

Making Jamaica on 6 October, 1798 she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November, 1798. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef, and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine. On 18 November, 1798 she set sail for England. In the ensuing days, she defeated five British men-of-war, and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, 1799 her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of a single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then, she headed home.

The USS Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799 with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

Overseas posting

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? ”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica.”

Tell it to the Marines.

An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a MARINE joke?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs, and I’m a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6’5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”

The Airman says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

 

Thanks for dropping in today and please feel free to share… Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Navy, Marines and Hypnotised Seniors – Oops.


Some of the favourite jokes from early 2016 revisited.

A sailor, an airman, several marines, a genie and a hypnotist walked into a blog!

Overseas posting

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

“My love,” he wrote, “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? ”

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!”

She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica.”

Tell it to the Marines.

An airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a MARINE joke?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs, and I’m a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6’5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”

The Airman says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

Many a word spoken in jest!Killer Food

A   nutritionist was addressing a large audience. “The food that we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake”

Second Opinion should always be sought.

Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, and then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

 

When faced with a Genie.. think before opening mouth!

A fellow was cleaning out his attic one morning when he came across an old brass lamp. He gave it a rub and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

‘I am the genie of the lamp,’ said the apparition. ‘For releasing me, I will answer any three questions you care to ask.’

‘Who? Me?’ said the young man.

‘Yes, You,’ replied the genie. ‘Now, what’s your third question?’

A quick way to tell your age

‘How old are you Grandma?’ asked little Rebecca.

‘Oh, I don’t know dear,’ said Grandma with a smile. ‘I’ve had so many birthdays, I’ve lost count!’

‘Well, why don’t you look in your knickers,’ said Rebecca. ‘Mine say three to four years old.’

And now that I have you mesmerised!!

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre.

After the community sing-song led by Alice at the piano, It was time for the Star of the Show – Claude the Hypnotist.

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” Said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke.

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact

“S**T” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Centre

And Claude was never invited to entertain again.

The discerning cat.

I hope that has left you with a smile on your face.. Thanks for stopping by.. Sally.