Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 20th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Summer Water and Exam Answers

Debby Gies has been foraging on the internet for funnies to share and I have a joke or two up my sleeve.

     If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s latest relationship column here on Smorgasbord July 2021 – The Universe Brings Us Kindred Spirits

Now something from Sally

This student got a D for his exam when he should have got an A….

I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? *His last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? *At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? *Liquid ‎

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? *Marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? *Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? *Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple? *The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? *Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? *No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? *No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 8th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Senior Jeopardy and even more oddities

Welcome to laughter lines with some gems from Debby Gies who has been keeping an eye open for funnies online and some jokes from Sally.

   

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

And a few more oddities

Hospital billing departments should be called Intensive Scare.

Nothing makes a good listener as much as a thin motel wall.

Never forget, you are one of those who can be fooled some of the time.

Nowadays a rare steak is one that’s the same price as it was last week.

Confidence is that positive feeling you have before you discover you are wrong.

You are a success when your income tax equals what you used to dream of earning.

A couple with six children is more satisfied than a couple with six million dollars – When you have six million dollars you still want more.

If meeting new people is a problem for you, try picking up the wrong ball on the Golf Course.

Remember. THE IRS spells THEIRS

Nothing seems to make a person quite so stupid as driving the car in front of you.

Thanks to Wise Crackers for Smart Cookies 1992, recently found on my shelves..and considering the oddities are nearly 30 years old… it shows how little things have changed…

 

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – July 1st 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Fitted Sheets and Oddities

Welcome to laughter lines with some gems from Debby Gies who has been keeping an eye open for funnies online and some jokes from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

And a few oddities

Politics is a promising career

Man’s best friend is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Only undertakers and copier repairmen have true job security.

Premature grey hair is hereditary, you get if from your children.

Women like quiet men because they think they are listening.

Don’t brag about your degrees, I have 98.6 myself.

A bachelor has to wash his own dishes, make his own bed, put out his own rubbish and then in a couple of months do it all over again.

If everyone obeyed the Ten Commandments, we wouldn’t have Sky News.

What does an opthalmologist call himself after his third margarita.

A Lawyer is a fellow who can write ten thousand words and call it a brief.

Thanks to Wise Crackers for Smart Cookies 1992, recently found on my shelves..and considering the oddities are nearly 30 years old… it shows how little things have changed…

 

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June 15th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Car sales and Divorce negotiations

Welcome to laughter lines with some gems from Debby Gies who has been keeping an eye open for funnies online and some jokes from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

Divorce settlement

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit… Repairmen refused to work in the house… The maid quit… Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back…

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home……including the curtain rods.

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June 8th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Catnip and Groaners

Welcome to laughter lines with some gems from Debby Gies who has been keeping an eye open for funnies online and some jokes from Sally.

And a video that shows that catnip is to cats what chocolate is to Sally….turn the sound down… thanks to Meme Gig

 

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

David (my husband) has a secret stash… thankfully only one-liners and here is part one of some new groaners…

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a
Chinese Wispa.”

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.

I have a really nice stepladder. Sadly I never knew my real ladder.

I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling.

I needed a bank security password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to
him: “Don’t be Sicily”.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?

Contact lenses are a little bit like parents – the older they get the more they irritate you, then you lose one of them and the one that is left behind gives you a constant headache.

My drink was spiked with speed. I didn’t mind so much because I got loads of hoovering done.

I was in my car and I was driving along and my boss rang up and he said: “You’ve been promoted.” And I swerved. He rang again and said “You’re managing director.” And I went into a tree. A policeman came up and said: “What happened to you?” And I said: “I careered off the road.”

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June3rd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Easter Eggs and Dear John letter!

Welcome to laughter lines with some gems Debby Gies has discovered online and a few bits of humour from Sally.

 

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

Quite a handful

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I walked here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”

“Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket …. and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Dear John Letter.

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky.

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope….along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Thanks and take care,
Ricky.

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – May 25th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – The Glories of Maturity Part One

Welcome to laughter lines. Debby and I have accumulated quite a few jokes and memes about the joys of aging.. part one today and part two on Thursday. (Disclaimer we have not experienced any of the following symptoms as we are only spring chickens!)

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

Living to 80…

I recently registered with a new doctor who insisted on a full work up. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,” Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you want to live to 80?

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – May 6th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Hitch-Hiker and Groaners

Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

And now for some one liners….please no groaning from the balcony….

I just watched a program about BEAVERS.

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

===

What did the PIRATE say on his 80th birthday

“Aye, matey!”

===

How do you organize an OUTER SPACE party

You planet.

===

What type of magazines do COWS enjoy reading

Cattlelogs.

===

What did the OCEAN say to the sailboat

Nothing; it just waved.

===

What did the mermaid wear to MATH CLASS

An algae-bra.

===

I ordered a CHICKEN and an EGG online.

I’ll let you know which comes first.

===

A termite walks into a BAR and asks

“Is the bar tender here?”

===

What did DADDY spider say to baby spider

You spend too much time on the WEB.

===

What do you call a group of KILLER WHALES playing instruments

An orca-stra.

===

We might be going SNORKELING this weekend

but I’m not holding my breath.

Thanks for dropping in and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – April 29th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – #Inflight Entertainment and #Life’s Laws

We will be sharing some of the funnies from the archives and hope you enjoy..thanks Debby and Sally.

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

LIFE’S LAWS

1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to go to the toilet.

2.Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7.Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8.Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

11.Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

12.Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

13.Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

14.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

15.Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

*****

A man is looking through a cemetery when he hears some music. He looks around to see who is playing it but can’t see anyone. Searching for the source, he finally finds it coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827

Then he realizes the music is Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and is being played backward.

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the Seventh Symphony is playing, also backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.When they return, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.The expert notices the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. By the next day, the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then, the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone asks him if he has an explanation for all of this. “I would have thought it was obvious,” he replied. “He’s decomposing.”

Thank you for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on you face…thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – April 20th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Genius and Maths Lesson

Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

Maths Class

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.