Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – April 20th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Genius and Maths Lesson

Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally

Maths Class

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – April 15th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Genetics and Groaners

Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally passed on by my sister Diana…

Groaners

•  Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
• .What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
•  Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
• Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
• Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
• A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
• I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
• I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
• My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
• Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
• Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
• When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
• Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
• I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
• I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
• I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
• What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
• I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

 

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – April 6th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Hindsight and Quick Thinking

Welcome to laughter lines and as some of you may know Debby’s husband is very unwell and requires round the clock care Debby’s latest update.  However, Debby has allowed me to raid her Facebook photo archives to share with you.

 

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

Quick Thinking.

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

 

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – March 23rd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Sprinkles and Chris Hemsworth

Welcome to laughter lines and as some of you may know Debby’s husband is very unwell and requires round the clock care. Update Health and Wellness However, Debby has allowed me to raid her Facebook photos to share with you.

   

 

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

Time for some more one liners….(no groaning please).

For those of you who understand Morse Code… Irish dancing must drive you crazy…

*****

The toughest part of a diet is not what you eat but watching what other people eat!

*****

Of course I can keep a secret, it is the people I tell it too that can’t keep their mouths shut.

*****

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

*****

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

*****

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

*****

Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight.

*****

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

*****

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – March 2nd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Woodpeckers and Fish Heads

Welcome to laughter lines with some fun from around the web from Debby Gies and a joke or two to make you smile from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

A learning curve.

A customer at Morris’ Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Only $4 apiece,” says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough,” says Morris.

The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

“Hey, Morris,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece, when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2…You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Morris. “You’re smarter already.”

 

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – February 25th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Lost Glasses and Best Beer in the World

Welcome to laughter lines with some fun from around the web from Debby Gies and a joke or two to make you smile from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona’s president sits down and says, “Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser’s president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

Coors’ president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work ………..

The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded.”

The fourth surgeon said, “I like operating on technicians…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..

 

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – February 23rd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – After Surgery and Shopping for a Husband

Welcome to laughter lines with some fun from around the web from Debby Gies and a joke or two to make you smile from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores The Realms of Relationships 2021

Now something from Sally

Husband Mart

A store that introduces women to potential husbands has just opened, so a fastidious single woman paid it a visit. She discovered that the store has 6 floors, and the further up the men are placed, the more positive attributes they have. But there’s a catch: as you enter any floor, you can choose a man from that floor, but if you go upstairs, you cannot go back down except to exit the building (and you can’t go back in, either). At the main entrance, there’s a sign that reads: “Ground floor – These men have jobs.” The woman read the sign and said to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s upstairs!” So up she went.

The next sign reads: “Floor 1 – The men here have jobs and love kids. “Great,”, she thought, “but I wonder…” And up she went again.

The men on the second floor “… have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm, better still,” she thought. “but there are still three more floors!”

The next sign reads: “Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework.”. “Wow!” exclaimed the woman, “very tempting, but there must be more further up!” Again she tackled the stairs.

“Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, my! What else could a woman want? What is – what can be – on offer on the top floor?!”

So she passed yet again on picking a man there. The top floor sign reads: “… You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men here. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.”

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – February 18th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Vows and Good Deeds

Welcome to laughter lines with some fun from around the web from Debby Gies and a joke or two to make you smile from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores The Realms of Relationships 2021

Now something from Sally

No good deed….

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.

“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk.

 

Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – January 14th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Dry January and Genies

Welcome to laughter lines with some fun from around the web from Debby Gies and a joke or two to make you smile from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

Drinking to excess is never recommended but sometimes people go a little too far..

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and burped.”

00000

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”

So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.

So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

 

Thanks for dropping by and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – January 7th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Crafting and Teenage Imaginations!

Welcome to the laughter lines some fun from around the web from Debby Gies and a few words to make you smile from Sally.

If you are not already following Debby’s blog here is the link D.G. Writes where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s Relationship series here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally.

Out of the mouths of teenagers……allegedly from GCSE essays...certainly creative….

• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly like a bowling ball wouldn’t.
• McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
• The thunder was ominous sounding much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during a storm scene in a play.
• Even in his last years Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
• The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
• The plan was simple, like my brother Phil, but unlike Phil this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get for not eating for a while.
• Oh, Jason, take me! She panted, her breasts heaving like a student on a pound a pint night.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
• Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined , like someone who can tell butter from “ I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter “.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
• It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
• He was deeply in love . When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
• She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature British Beef.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

 

See you again soon and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally.