Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships -October 2020 -Envy, Jealousy, Bullying – A Path to Narcissism?


Envy, Jealousy, Bullying – A Path to Narcissism?

There’s nothing good about the green-eyed monster, envy. Envy is a side-effect for some who harbor resentments and suffer a feeling of lacking. And for many, this syndrome can lead to narcissism—created from the root of the bad seed of envy that nurtures itself, manifesting into desire and creating a must need to, out-do, outlast, outshine and all the other ‘outs,’ better than anyone else in their circles and beyond, to compensate for the envy and attention others receive, with a desperate want to be showered with adulation and praise to feel superior.

The distinction between envy and jealousy is: Envy is a reaction to lack of something others have which you desire. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something, or usually someone, to another cause or person.

But where does this envious or jealous behavior evolve from? What are the seeds that spawn such behavior?

I’m familiar with the envy and the jealousy syndrome, so I can speak confidently from experience. My mother was a champion at both. I knew my mother better than I ever let her know me. I also know her beginnings in life were defining reasons for the contributing factors aiding in the creating of both bugs in her character, and the eventuality of her narcissism.

People don’t just behave a certain way out of thin air. Behaviors are learned from studying or being a part of other’s behavior and then adopting those same behaviors. Bad behavior and anger grow from resentments, neglect, hurt, and lacking, which can result into rage-filled anger episodes that can ultimately become a long-term side effect in behavioral patterns as resentments pile and fester. These frenzied fits become an assault on the narcissist’s victim’s self-esteem over long-term.

An emotionally neglected child who is berated, ridiculed, or ignored by a narcissistic parent, may feel vulnerable and sometimes insignificant, as their own declining self-esteem gets chipped away at. Without proper nurturing and attention, these children grow up with a lack of confidence, and can possibly begin to harbor their own grievances for other’s accomplishments. This is a perpetual unhealthy existence for a child.

Those harbored feelings of inadequacy can lead them to follow suit and become bullies themselves. Bullies aren’t born, just as racists aren’t born, they’re bred. We are born pure. It’s the outside influences that help feed us as we develop that help shape our values and preferences. These acquired negative traits can derive from both the home and outside influences. There are a multitude of things that can contribute to the reasons for someone becoming a bully. And the usual reason for a bully’s actions will come down to one of these: they’ve been hurt, jealousy, or anger. And often, if these traits aren’t dealt with, they have a propensity to become a precursor to narcissism.

Bullies have been hurt. They’ve been ridiculed and made to feel inadequate at some point, so in retaliation, they project by placing their frustrations on others. Often, the name-calling by a bully is a transference onto someone else because of what someone has laid on them, or, what they imagined was laid on them. Bullies feel outdone and unencouraged, they project back on to someone weaker because they’re reminded of what they themselves are lacking in and want someone else to feel their pain. Whether in school where they’re made to feel stupid by peers, or even a bad teacher, or home where they may be teased and ridiculed and neglected, they don’t want to be reminded about what they are missing out on, be it good grades, a shiny bike, and as they age, a job, a family, a vacation, lavish gifts – they are frustrated they don’t have something others do, either emotionally and/or materialistically.

The narcissism develops and begins with visions of seeking to attain something to compensate for what they lack in. Narcissists require praise like we need oxygen. They have a need to be admired for their actions and possessions. Compliments and kudos are their fuel to validate they are no longer lacking. These are components to how narcissism grows.
A narc is an oxymoron – like two people in one. Two selfs – fraudulent, and dreamer. The dreamer self is what keeps them focused on their fraudulent motives and goals to attain superiority, often presenting a social side of their nature in public, evoking their fraudulent self of grandiosity, authority and dominance, while deep inside, they know who they really are, which perpetuates the persona of their fraudulent self.

Narcs must maintain their personas and egos daily. It is in fact, a lot of work for narcs to keep up the show, but a necessary defense mechanism for their ego to survive and thrive. What must go on in their minds? Pathological narcs are delusional about imagining things that never happened and twisting events that have actually happened, into a converted version that fits their narrative better. Pathological narcs are the most dangerous of all relationships. They imagine things – slights and accomplishments that don’t exist, and they believe them. The dangers presented can be anything from threats, guilt trips, blackmail, lies, excuses, and they are notorious for gaslighting anyone who threatens their bubble of superiority.

Narcissistic parents are my familiar territory, as I grew up with a narcissistic mother.

Most of the damage from a narc parent begins in early development of their children, which, in itself, can contribute to becoming the catalyst for narcissism to be inherited if not checked. But not always, because it will depend on the emotional state of each individual child. Damage can lead to symptoms of withdrawal into oneself, creating a low self-esteem, becoming a people pleaser, and later, as mentioned earlier, can potentially manifest into bullying and/or narcissism transferred to their victims. The condition(s) will grow as the narc’s defenses escalate, leaving the child to form either a shield around themselves from others, or in contrast, a reactive personality, such as bullying in defense of the hurt that has accumulated from being ridiculed, belittled, and/or ignored.

It becomes a constant battle for a narcissist to defend their wounds with a growing determination to never be left out or hurt again. When a narc feels hurt or someone is outshining them, they unleash an inner rage which always resides within them, this is their defense used when being challenged or bested by someone else.

As a child of a narc, I will state that there are only two ways for us to develop. We either become like them or try to steer clear of them. Most children of narcissists require long-term therapy to unlearn the many familiar repercussions of low self-esteem, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy, which are common results of growing up in a narcissistic environment. For the lucky ones of us, we turn to another family figure in our lives for nurturing. For me, I was fortunate to have my Aunty Sherry, my mother’s sister, who was well-versed in her sister’s antics. Some of us will develop a curiosity to learn the whys of their parent’s erratic and grandiose behavior. I turned to self-help books in efforts to find an understanding of my mother’s behavior to help me to understand what spurs this kind of behavior, which notably stems from their own childhood abuse. They mimicked instead of ran away from.

Narcissists have no empathy and create and live in their own reality. A narc’s scars evolve from them being humiliated, hurt, or ignored at a crucial point in their own young psychological development. When they are later faced with situations where they feel challenged, they become triggered by other’s accomplishments. Our successes remind them they have failed or have been deprived of the same accomplishment, as though someone else’s success takes away from them personally, leaving them feeling small and insignificant as they constantly compare themselves to others.

In order to get along with a narc, they must feel that they are in total control and they must be in the forefront ahead of anyone else, and if they feel threatened in a moment, they will make us pay emotionally by slashing our self-esteems and try to make us feel inferior, using a common tool called projection.

Example: Trying to help my own mother with her health issues by recommending better diet and supplementation, got me this—one of her standard retaliatory lines: “You think you’re so goddamned smart.” This is a perfect example because once you learn how a narc operates, you can begin to take their lashings with a grain of salt.

Dissection of that statement: My mother lived in grandiosity, so recommendations to her were like being told. And being told by her daughter who had a lot more knowledge than her when it came to health, annoyed her. It made her feel she wasn’t smart enough to know this on her own – triggering her own feelings of inadequacy, plus, she interpreted my giving advice as though she were being told by someone more educated than her, worse, from her own spawn. Those things always hit a nerve with her.

Envy vs. jealousy:

Envy is a reaction to someone who has something the envier wants, and they can’t or don’t have. The envious one wants that life, job, dress, car, education, etc.

Jealousy is ignited by a loss of someone they can no longer have in a relationship – attention paid to them gone, a partner cheating on them, a friend who spends other time with other friends, creating a raging drive fueling them to go to any lengths to retaliate, and the ultimate reaction is revenge. Jealousy can apply to any relationship – one of the heart or a friendship, where the jealous person fears losing that relationship, driving them to react impulsively.

A narc is a jealous person and can take their jealousy to dangerous levels. Jealousy is formed from insecurity. And their jealousy isn’t reserved only for strangers and friends, but children of narcs are often emotionally neglected by a narcissistic parent. These children get no encouragement, no applause for accomplishments, and sometimes rarely a compliment, as that would mean it would take away from the narc. Narcs feel that by giving anything compassionate of themselves, it takes away from them, almost like their ‘score card’.

Pathological narcissism sets in when delusion and extreme behavior evolve and can potentially lead to dangerous abuse. These feelings are born from feelings of insecurity, and from being made to feel inadequate, evoking a void in them, leading them to feel resentful with entitlement by feeling deserving of what everyone else has.

A narcissistic parent’s actions don’t change for their children. Typically, a narc mother would like their child to represent everything the parent wanted to be – a great achiever, well-dressed, popular, etc. Alternatively, as in my case growing up, I sensed my mother’s jealousies for any of my accomplishments. Instead of her acting proud of my accomplishments, looking at them as a reflection on accomplishment for herself as a mother, she felt the opposite way, making me feel as though my accomplishments were a threat and competition to her grandiosity. At other times, when she had an audience and her children were around, she would only then take the opportunity to brag about an accomplishment to let that person know how wonderful her child is. But one-on-one it was a different feeling.

Narcissistic parents who neglect their children emotionally will exude these usual behaviors: are uninterested in milestone accomplishments of their children, harbor covert jealousy, don’t encourage, shows no compassion, main goal is stealing the limelight, domination, and using threats and guilt trips as discipline. All these attributes help shape their child’s personality making the child feel nervous, inadequate, and insecure as they grow and venture into their own grownup lives. It’s a behavioral pattern that the child learns to adapt to – or avoid. These types of parents will either project onto their child everything they themselves wish to be, do, or have, and often will become jealous of all that child accomplishes throughout their life. The child grows up fearful of that parent – fear of reprimanding, threats, and punishments if they don’t obey the rules.

The tactic is known as emotional blackmail, a common method used for narcs to discipline children. This behavior will ultimately affect the relationships we, the children, gravitate to in future, similar unhealthy relationships, both, romantically and in friendships. These fractures narc’s children endure can lead to social retreat, lack of confidence, fear and insecurities, and no self-gratification for their own accomplishments. We become the product of who we grew up under, often depressed, nervous, anxious, and fearful. These repercussions can stick with that child all their lives unless they seek therapy – or in my case, self-help and a mentor.

The narc parent is a blamer on everyone else, nothing is their fault, with no regard for the fallout or the feelings of others. Two typical habits of narcs are, belittling of others to keep the spotlight on them, and denying the reality of a situation by twisting the narrative to match their perceived delusions. The narc parent’s lacking becomes the child’s problem.

Dr. Ramani – understanding a narcissist’s jealousy

My Mother’s jealousy of myself confirmed her disorder to me throughout my life. It began with her jealousy of my close relationship with my father. Then it grew into her jealousy for attention I was paid as I matured into young womanhood whenever we were out together and a male paid attention to me before her, and even when I began dating my now husband (who is incidentally, two years older than my mother was), and her flirtation with him upon first meeting. All her contrived jealousies were because in those instances, she did not hold the spotlight.

Dr. Ramani, Narcissistic Mothers

Children of Narcissistic Mothers need to educate themselves and/or get therapy to repair the mental damage inflicted upon them. The narc’s delusions should not become our realities. If we can recognize the signs of a narc that’s half the battle of learning that what they bestow upon us are derived from their inefficiencies, not ours. We need to recognize their symptoms so we can protect our self-esteems and find another path of nurturing and self-love so we don’t fall prey to falling into wrong relationships with same type of people and repeating what is familiar to us.

Recognize the signs of authoritative behavior, dominance, superiority complexes, emotionally unavailability, un-nurturing, blackmail, guilt trips, and mind manipulation. All these factors become an assault on our self-esteem. We need to realize we don’t owe our mothers a debt because they gave birth to us. We owe it to ourselves to learn the signs of a narcissist and how to adjust our sails when under their control. Narcissists won’t be told or controlled, it’s like pouring gasoline onto their open emotional wounds. We must learn how to protect ourselves from them. Sometimes, we must resort to drastic measures, such as, no contact as the years progress and we grow, as their toxicity never falters.

All situations are unique, but the symptoms never change. Because we can’t change them, we must find what’s most comfortable for ourselves to retain our own sanity. It’s called self-preservation and self-love—something I’ve spent most of my life working on, not just to survive emotionally, but to thrive.

~ ~ ~

I’m including two more good video links here, for those wanting to learn more about narcissists and how they affect our personal lives:

Narcissism in a parent  by Dr. Ramani

Pathological Jealousy and Narcissism –  Why you can never earn their trust by Melanie Tonia Evans

©D.G. Kaye 2020

My thanks to Debby for this detailed analysis of the mother child relationship when it is marred by narcissism and jealousy.  I know that she would value your feedback. thanks Sally.

Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.

When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.

Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

                 “For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the recent reviews for P.S. I Forgive You on Goodreads

Jul 29, 2020 M.J. Mallon rated it Five Stars it was amazing

This is a very personal account of the author’s experiences of coping and coming to terms with the emotions experienced after the death of a narcissistic mother. D. G Kaye’s mother is herself a product of the terrible parenting she experienced as a child. My own mother struggled with many heartbreaking problems as she grew up. She overcame these and was and continues to be a wonderfully caring mother. I have a deep, unbreakable bond with her which I also have with my daughters.

As I continued to read further into this memoir I kept on comparing our circumstances. How sad and damaging such an uncaring, selfish parent is to her children. How can a mother behave in such a way? P.S. I Forgive You is an important read for all of us. This memoir is about letting go, releasing the emotional turmoil which begun in childhood.

It is a compelling read. It courageously deals with the extremes of family relationships. Relationships are complex and difficult even in what I would deem to be ‘normal’ families. There are many who struggle to understand or relate to their son or daughter, sister, brother, wife or husband.

But this memoir takes those problems to a whole new level that no one should have to experience. After such a damaging upbringing, D. G. Kaye has suffered but has learnt to forgive. She lives a happy, fulfilled life. That is a wonderful testament to her strength of character and her can do attitude.

I’d recommend this memoir to us all whatever our circumstances

Read all the reviews and buy the books: Amazon US – and: Amazon UK –  follow Debby: Goodreads

Connect to Debby Gies

Blog: D.G. Kaye Writer – About me: D.G. Kaye – Twitter: @pokercubster Linkedin: D.G. Kaye – Facebook: D.G. Kaye – Instagram: D.G. Kaye – Pinterest: D.G. Kaye

 

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – July 2020 – Calling All Fixers!


Welcome to the July edition of Realms of Relationships

Calling All Fixers

Are you that person who has a dire need to fix the people you care about? Are you that person who thinks nobody can fix things like you can? Let me tell you, I was one of those people, and I learned that there are definite limitations when it comes to thinking we can repair others—despite how much our hearts truly wish we could.

Our compassion and love fuel our desire to want to help our loved ones when we sense something is off. But it’s a fact that some issues are better left for the professionals—psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, etc. Yet, sometimes our overwhelming desire wins out, and we just can’t help but feel emboldened enough to think we’re capable of taking on the task, because, after all, we know that person intimately. We love them and take care of them, so obviously we should have no problem setting things right. But no. We cannot. And we shouldn’t feel as though it’s our job to do so either. Seems I was born with the ‘nurturing gene’ so, I’ve spent much of my life learning the hard way.

We cannot fix those who don’t wish to be fixed, nor those who even deny there’s a problem.

As I’ve mentioned in the beginning of this series, I have no PHD, but the one from life, so everything I write about is from the lessons I took in myself and any research I’ve done to confirm to myself what I learned. I’d read plenty on personality disorders, spirituality, and self- improvement since my teens. My curiosity has always been people and what makes them behave the way they do. There’s always a reason – a spark, an aha moment that can set someone off – a trigger. But diagnosing doesn’t mean we’re equipped or qualified to control or heal someone. So, I don’t write as a medical expert, but just an educated and experienced gal from the school of life.

For some of you here who may have read one of my books, you will know that I grew up observing my narcissistic mother, even though I knew nothing about the word or condition of a narcissist when I was a beginner in my quest to analyze her. I just figured it out as I got older and read books to satisfy my curiosity, then followed through learning more about them and discovered she was that.

~ ~ ~

When someone we love isn’t well, our natural instincts as carers is to try and fix what’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with trying, but issues dealing with mental imbalances, such as bi-polar, manic depression, and other deep-rooted issues requiring clinical assessment are typically beyond our league. Just because we love and care for that person, doesn’t mean we have the proper experience or training to deal with such issues. Another factor could be that the affected person doesn’t realize how deep their issues go or may not even be aware they even have a problem – which should be a huge flag our loved one needs professional help.

Now, certainly we can do our best to help fix a bad attitude by offering consoling and by making best efforts to uplift our loved ones when a bad moment arises. We may offer discussion, remind them they are in a safe place to vent, reminding them we love them and care and we’re there for them, but for serious mental afflictions, it’s best they get the proper medical attention. Unless we have the medical training for some tough issues, all the talking and uplifting in the world just may not be enough.

As I wrote about here in my last article on  Empaths, for those of us who are uber compassionate people, we can sometimes become a little too eager with our desire to help those in need. Sometimes we may feel our compassionate abilities, our gift to help others, is a magic one-size fits all. But sadly, it isn’t. Because I’m not a certified therapist, I know I don’t have all the tools to fix everyone I wish to, despite my best efforts and intentions.

I’ve collected many broken people flocking to me since I was a young girl – starting with my father, who, incidentally, did do his best to follow my advice, although, love and broken hearts have a will of their own, and with that, I’ll just say that at least I could still be there for his heavy landings when my mother would once again make him feel small. His hurt held a space inside my heart that ate away at me for my entire childhood and beyond. Those were my early days of becoming the parent to my father. And even at the tender age of seven, my great need to stop the hurt and stand up to my mother for the love of my father were the beginnings of my desire to become the fixer of everyone’s unhappiness.

I inherited my empathy from my father whose giant heart was smitten, and consequently, ensnared by a beautiful girl with opportunistic intentions. It was that one day when my dad dropped me off back at home after our Sunday visit that my desire to be a fixer was born.

My dad pulled up around our circular driveway, put the car in park and hugged my younger siblings goodbye as I stayed an extra few moments in the front seat so we could have our alone time for a little longer. When he hugged me goodbye, he had tears in his eyes and asked me, his seven years-old little girl, if I would please ask Mommy to take him back. Just like that—just like I wasn’t seven. He was broken, and it broke me. Not surprising I grew up with a strong desire to fix people. I was also empathetic toward my mother. Despite my resentments toward her, I continued to do things to please and appease her—even when my own heart wasn’t in it.

I tried so many times through the years to offer her ideas to better her health. I offered to buy her supplements I knew would benefit her, approved by my own naturopath, but she’d mock me with her usual derogatory names, the same old lines—“You think you’re so goddamned smart,” a common and familiar phrase. ‘Hocus pocus bullshit’ was how she referred to anything she wasn’t versed in because if she wasn’t informed, or advised by her trusted drug- pushing doctor, her  Narcissistic self would not tolerate being outshined. I didn’t know it then, but it took a few more decades of mental anguish to learn she suffered a superiority complex of grandeur, she couldn’t tolerate it if someone was smarter, better, prettier, than her.

I found this so weird because my mother never even graduated high school, but nobody would have known the better because she’d deny it to your face even though she knew the truth. Yup, that was my mother, and as my patriarchal ancestors would say, she ate my    kishkes’ out‘. (This is a Yiddish cliché expression. In direct context, ‘kishke’ is comparable to Scottish haggis.)

There was no fixing my mother, but eventually, I learned why. There was no fixing her like there was no fixing a man I wasted seven years of my life with before I met my own husband. Yes, seven crazy years – I stayed wayyy too long at that prom—to the point I was risking my life.

It didn’t take me seven years to figure it out. All the signs were apparent in the first year, but I was sure I could fix him. Oh yes, dependable me, once I was committed, I was adamant to make things work. After stringing together bits and pieces of our conversations and witnessing some uncalled for, explosive incidents, I began to feel an eerie discomfort around him. I concluded he was manic-depressive, only he wasn’t aware of it. I studied his patterns of anger escalation, especially volatile when fueled by alcohol. And my stubbornness only led me to becoming trapped without an expensive exit. This story is a book in itself – one I have a dire need to write about to be of help to those women who are trapped with their abusers, but unfortunately, I’m still living in the fear he is out there somewhere, which was the original inspiration for taking a pen name.

I lived through countless ‘I love yous’, ‘I’m so sorrys’, ‘I promise I’ll changes’, until I heard ‘If I can’t have you, nobody will.’ I knew by the first year I had to leave, but sadly, it took me six more to put it in action. I learned a lot about psychological intimidation – as both, a receiver then a player, and how to use it to my advantage. But it turned out I was far from equipped to handle the mess I’d grown myself into with that relationship. And quite frankly, from that chunk of my life, I learned the scary repercussions there could be from trying to fix a volatile volcano.
In the end, what I learned after narrowly escaping with my life, there is no magic potion to fix all the people we wish to fix. In fact, depending on the issues our loved one is dealing with, we can actually, sometimes, be putting our own lives in danger.

We can be loving and supporting by trying to help people get the proper help they need. When it comes to immersing ourselves into trying to help someone whose issues are beyond our medical education, the best thing we can do for those who suffer is find them the appropriate help and be there to support, not fix.

Do you find yourself being a ‘fixer’? I’m all ears if you’d like to share. 😊

©D.G.Kaye 2020

Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.

When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.

Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

                 “For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the recent reviews for Twenty Years After “I Do”

Jane Sturgeon rated it Five Stars.

A gift for anyone who lives and loves….

This special book is full of warmth, love, laughter and much wisdom. It tackles difficult topics with Debby’s lovely, open style and has many nuggets of advice that are helpful. It is a beautiful anniversary gift to her husband Gordan, a loving testimony to how they are together and a gift for us all. This wonderful sharing, so well written, connects us with a deep understanding of how love can overcome many challenges. Thank you, Debby, for sharing your life and your gifts.

Read all the reviews and buy the books: Amazon US

and: Amazon UK

More reviews and follow Debby: Goodreads

Connect to Debby Gies

Blog: D.G. Kaye Writer – About me: D.G. Kaye –
Twitter: @pokercubster Linkedin: D.G. Kaye
Facebook: D.G. Kaye – Instagram: D.G. Kaye – Pinterest: D.G. Kaye

My thanks to Debby for taking on the challenge this year of exploring the complexity of relationships, and sharing strategies to improve the way we manage those important to us.  As always your feedback is very welcome. Thanks Sally

2019 – New Series of Smorgasbord Posts from Your Archives – Memoir Bytes: – Love Notes and Other Words by D.G. Kaye


Time for a new series of Posts from Your Archives and the theme this time is all about family.

  1. Personal memories of childhood or teens that are still fresh in your mind.
  2. Family history, stories of your parents, grandparents and further back if you can.
  3. Fur family past and present.
  4. Favourite recipes.
  5. Memorable holidays.
  6. Places you have lived.
  7. Memorable homes you have lived in.
  8. Grandchildren tales.
  9. Any family related post – education, health, teen years, elderly care, lifestyle.
  10. Please remember that there are some younger readers who visit.

I think you get the idea.

The aim of this series is to showcase your blog and any creative work that you do from books, art, photography and crafts. You pick between one and four links to posts that you have written for your own blog from the day you started up to December 2018, and you simply send the link to those blogs to sally.cronin@moyhill.com

You have to do nothing more as I will capture the post and images from your blog and I will then post with full copyright to you.. with your creative work and your links to buy and to connect. I might sometimes need a little more information but I am quite resourceful in finding out everything I need.

So far in the Posts from Your Archives from September 2017, there have been over 700 posts from 200 + bloggers that have reached a different audience and encouraged more readers for their own blogs and current posts.

The only issue is the number of photographs and if there are more than five photographs in the post I will do a reblog rather than a separate post. (Media space)

Previous participants are more than welcome

dgkaye

Delighted to share some posts from the archives of non-fiction author D.G. Kaye…Debby Gies. This week something very personal that shows the depth of hurt a child experiences when desperate to connect with a parent.

Childhood Scribbles by D. G. Kaye.

Vision perception - Memoirs

Whenever I’m asked when my passion for writing evolved I always remember that my journey began through writing love notes for the people I loved as far back as I can remember as soon as I learned how to write, which is stated in my bio.

As a child, I had so much love in my heart and empathy for others going as far back as I can remember. It’s rather odd when I think back to my childhood because “I love you” words weren’t familiar words in my home, leaving me feeling uncomfortable to say them. But writing from my heart to express my feelings was easy.

Memoir love notes

I Wrote:

I love my mommy and my daddy. I drew pictures of them and wrote: This is mommy and daddy.

My mother died five years ago October. When we sat ‘shiva’ in the mourning period for her at my brother’s home, my sister-in-law brought out some photos my mother kept in a worn out looking makeup case. I was still feeling a million unresolved feelings that day and wasn’t too interested in looking at them at the time. But last week I went to visit my sister-in-law and she told me she had cleared out her basement and found some photos and items I may want. I came across a few of those cards I wrote my parents along with a few of those ‘love notes’ I had written.

The notes I found had me wondering why of all the many things I’d written as a child, my mother had clung to these very few items my sister-in-law gave to me. Where were all the rest gone? And the note that moved me most was one poem my father had written to my mother. Besides how touching and beautiful that poem was, it broke my heart to read it. It had taken me back to many memories of my father asking me to help him get back together with my mother.

Memoir love not from Dad

It reads:

E – Is for you’re Everything to me

L – Is for my Love for you

I – Is for If I had you

Z – Is for Zilch when I’m without you

A – Is for I’ll Always want you

B – Is for you’re Beauty

E – Is for my never Ending want for you

T – Is for the Time I wait

H – Is for when I’ll Have you

After my tears subsided, it dawned on me that my father must have had some instinct for writing. Nobody in my family had ever displayed an interest for writing. I knew I was a blacksheep in many ways, and often wondered where my passion for writing came from. That love note was a reminder that I had inherited my compassion from my father. But did I also inherit the secret passion he had for writing?

Paper Towel Love Note Cover:

To Mommy from Debby (I love you inside the heart)

Unfolded scrap of paper towel: Inside:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Sugar and honey are sweet

But you are the sweetest

(I love you inside the heart)

One more I found written on a piece of cardboard. This card reminded me of the numerous cards I’d written each time my parents broke up when my little heart was aching and the only wish I had in the whole world was that they’d reunite.

Memoir love not to mom

Front of card: To Mom from Debby. I love you Daddy

Back of card: I love you mom I love you dad.

Memoir love note 2

Inside that card left side: Dear mom I love you and daddy I am always going to be fair with you and daddy

Left side: hugs and kisses mom xxxxxxoooooo hugs and kisses dad xxxxxxoooooo – look on back

I remember another card I’d made during one of their separations, which I never did see again, but the memory of that card stuck with me till this day. It said:

I have a mommy and I have a daddy but I don’t have a mommy and a daddy.

I remember that card well because I was afraid to give it to my mother and had left it lying around somewhere. She eventually found it and I got slapped for writing it.

Such was my tormented childhood growing up with a mother I idolized as a young child and a father who lived apart from us more than he ever lived with us. My heart ached for my father because I had such empathy for his broken heart. As I grew into a young teen my resentments began to grow for my mother as I learned to understand her manipulations and watched the games she played on my father. My love for my father never faltered. I took care of him as a child as I did till the day he died. A heaviness in my heart that even 27 years passing never lightened.

One other sad note – my atrocious handwriting remains the same. 😊

©D.G. Kaye 2018

About D.G. Kaye

Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

                 “For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the reviews for P. S. I Forgive You

The author’s honest account of her relationship with her mother is a deeply emotional read. The unresolved longing of being loved by the person who, by nature, is the most capable of it.

A thought itself of such a mother D.G. Kaye was unfortunate to have is disturbing. Yet I can’t help but express my sadness about her mother’s plight while she, herself, was a victim of the unloving family.

The scene where the mother wanted to console her daughter at the news of her (daughter’s) upcoming heart surgery and was denied by her broke my heart.

I think the book will appeal to the broad readership – who suffered in a dysfunctional family may find inspiration in the D.G. Kaye’s story, who grew up in a loving family may appreciate it even deeper.

Read all the reviews and buy the books: http://www.amazon.com/author/dgkaye7

and Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO

More reviews and follow Debby on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/dgkaye

Debby writes a monthly Travel Column for Smorgasbord and you can read her articles HERE

Connect to Debby Gies

Come and visit me at our Literary Diva’s Library group on Facebook

Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com
About me: http://www.wiseintro.co/dgkaye7
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/@pokercubster (yes there’s a story)
Linkedin: http://www.linkedin.com/in/dgkaye7
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/dgkaye
Google: http://www.google.com/+DebbyDGKayeGies
Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/dgkaye
Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/dgkaye7

My thanks to Debby for sharing this very intimate side to her relationship with her mother, and from comments and reviews of Debby’s books that I have read, it is clear that many of us have had relationships with our own mothers that were complicated.

Please share your thoughts with us. Thanks Sally.

I look forward to hearing from you with your posts from the archives.

The Sunday Show – A funny thing happened to author D.G. Kaye


My guest today is Canadian memoir and nonfiction author and blogger D.G. Kaye (D.G.). It is clear that D.G delights both the women she writes for and I suspect the men who sneak a peek with her down to earth and often humorous look at life. There is also a serious side that comes across in D.G’s books and in her blog posts that strips back the layers that are formed in relationships. Those that are good for us and those that are harmful. I will take a closer look at her writing later in the introduction.

D.G was born and raised in Toronto where she still lives and writes about her own life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues. She began keeping a journal as she lived through a turbulent childhood which was lacking in emotional support from her narcissistic mother. This challenging start in life was the inspiration for her first book Conflicted Hearts.

Her second book also charts one of the most challenging times in a woman’s life. Those of us who have enjoyed that ‘time of life’ as it is often referred to seldom see the funny side in the hormonally driven changes in our body. However, D.G manages in Meno-What? A Memoir, to not only share her observations and wisdom about this natural phase in our lives, but to bring humour and tips for survival!

Her third and latest book was featured in the Five Star Treatment, Words We Carry, focuses around women’s self-esteem issues. Most of us tend to have our own unique way of putting ourselves down and D.G talks about how and why we do this and how she recognised and overcame her own issues.

Apart from her books, she has also written articles about life, her opinions on people and events as well as contributing poetry and health articles for a Canadian magazine. She is very interested in natural health care and remedies prompted by her own health issues and that of her family.

One of the very positive aspects of D.G’s writing is that it always leaves you feeling inspired and motivated to be more pro-active with your life in both health and relationship issues.

Here are a couple of quotes that sum up this attitude to life.

“For every kindness, there should be kindness in return; wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

And her favourite saying: “Live. Laugh. Love …and don’t forget to breathe!”

When D.G. is not writing, she’s reading. Her favourite genres of reading are: biographies, memoirs, writing and natural health. She loves to read about people who overcome adversity, victories and redemption and believes we have to keep learning–there is always room for improvement! She loves to cook, travel, and play poker hence her Twitter handle!

The Author

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About the book

A Lifetime of guilt — What does it take to finally break free?

Somehow I believed it was my obligation to try to do the right thing by her because she had given birth to me.

Burdened with constant worry for her father and the guilt caused by her mother’s narcissism, D.G. Kaye had a short childhood. When she moved away from home at age eighteen, she began to grow into herself, overcoming her lack of guidance and her insecurities. Her life experiences became her teachers, and she learned from the mistakes and choices she made along the way, plagued by the guilt she carried for her mother.

Conflicted Hearts is a heartfelt journey of self-discovery and acceptance, an exploration of the quest for solace from emotional guilt.

What a great find! December 19, 2013 By Karen B Format:Kindle Edition

Yesterday I happened to come across this book and I am so glad that I did. It made me laugh, it made me sad, it made me angry but most of all, it made me cheer for D.G. Kaye! She writes with candor and insight, passion and heart. It is an easy comfortable read, much like having a conversation and I couldn’t put the book down until the conversation was over. You can feel the little girl’s worry and confusion, the teenager’s guilt and angst, the sadness and the searching of the young woman and finally the strength of the adult. Ms. Kaye writes about the affects her mother’s actions has had on her entire life and the decisions she has made but she is never mean spirited about it and it makes you love her more.

It is a book that makes you think, reflect, understand and most of all it is a book that shows you that with the right attitude and beliefs, you can forgive and move forward. I loved it!

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“I have been a great critic of myself for most of my life, and I was darned good at it, deflating my own ego without the help of anyone else.”

What do our shopping habits, high-heeled shoes, and big hair have to do with how we perceive ourselves? Do the slights we endured when we were young affect how we choose our relationships now?

D.G. takes us on a journey, unlocking the hurts of the past by identifying situations that hindered her own self-esteem. Her anecdotes and confessions demonstrate how the hurtful events in our lives linger and set the tone for how we value our own self-worth.

Words We Carry is a raw, personal accounting of how the author overcame the demons of low self-esteem with the determination to learn to love herself.

5.0 out of 5.0 by Kindle Customer

D.G. Kaye uses all her feelings of empathy, compassion, and honesty to reveal the power of WORDS that hurt, destroy, and demean. Words that in most cases have been forced upon us, and we never forget their poignant sting or understand the devastating effects they have on our lives and our relationships. You create the reality that has been engrained in your mind whether it’s wrong, unfair, or just plain mean, spiteful, and filled with envy and jealousy. WE ARE THE “WORDS WE CARRY” THROUGH LIFE! Isn’t it time to delve back to the source to first recognize and then change your self-image, self-esteem, and self-worth?

WORDS start piling up at a very young age…long before we understand why such labels are placed upon us by inconsiderate, angry people, usually our families, who lash out at everyone around them in an attempt to make themselves feel better. Who gets hurt? Just about everyone, including themselves. But the delicate psyche of a child, who is born seeking only love and acceptance, is so susceptible to ridicule, negativity, verbal abuse, and degradation. It is rarely a child’s fault that they are bullied, laughed at, used between adults as weapons in grownup games, or called names that stick like glue.

Ms Kaye reaches back to her personal, traumatic early years to release the WORDS that practically destroyed a beautiful, giving, loving personality. In her easy, flowing writing style, where you feel like you’re communing with your best friend…sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes comedic, always strong and resourceful…you get the best she has to give to show how you too can rescript the WORDS that keep you downtrodden and afraid to ask for and receive what you deserve out of life.

Thank you D.G. for this heartfelt, soul-searching book to set us all free from the “Words We Carry” that only inflict pain and suffering. YOU TOO CAN FIGHT BACK AND WIN!

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Meno-What? A Memoir
D.G. adds a touch of humor to a tale about a not-so-humorous time. While bidding farewell to her dearly departing estrogen, D.G. struggles to tame her raging hormones of fire, relentless dryness, flooding and droughts and other unflattering symptoms.
Join D.G. on her meno-journey to slay the dragons of menopause as she tries to hold on to her sanity, memory, hair, and so much more!

Loved it!!! July 21, 2014 By Annie Edmonds Format:Kindle Edition

Let me tell you that this beautiful woman has a way with words. And she will make you laugh as she describes what it’s like to go through menopause. Anyone that can make you laugh while going through menopause is alright in my book.

D.G Kaye writes about trying to keep her sanity while her hormones are raging. This is something most women can relate too. There’s memory loss, hot flashes, dry spells, and even the dreaded hair loss. She writes all this and so much more in a fun and informative way. This book is filled with lots of love and even more laughter.

D.G. tells you how to take life as it comes and she pulls no punches. She’s a Canuck from Canada that writes from the heart. If you know someone who’s just had a hysterectomy buy this book. In fact every woman reaching that menopause age needs a copy..

The Blogger

D.G writes about life and part of our life cycle is of course death. As we get older we begin to lose those close to us and grief is a very natural part of our existence. It becomes tragic when of course those that we lose are young and vital members of our family. Whatever the circumstances we all have our own way of dealing with the grief and D.G covers this particular issue very sympathetically but also in her usual practical manner.

http://dgkayewriter.com/waiting-stolen-hours/

You will also find excellent articles on divorce, anxiety, changes in our perception of the world including how we become less fearless with age and experience. I recommend that you head over and find out more for yourself.

Now time to meet D.G (Debby) in person and talk a little more in depth about some of her life experiences and also her writing.

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Thank you Debby for joining us today and perhaps we could start with the increasingly documented personality trait labelled Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is only recently that this disorder has become better known as more and more people realise that at some point in their lives they have been subjected to its negative impact. Perhaps you could describe the sort of behaviour that a narcissist would exhibit?

Hello Sally and readers of this wonderful blog. Thank you so much for inviting me to this new series to share my stories here with so many other talented artists and writers.

A narcissist, in laymen’s terms, sees him/herself as the center of existence. They feel as though their appearance and/or words trump everyone else’s. In my mother’s case, she had created a false persona that she had convinced her own self that she was superior. It was her mission to be the most beautiful one in a room, and craved attention so that focus had to be on her at all times.

Everything she talked about was exaggerated to make sure she could captivate her audience with her stories of grandeur. Her wants and needs came first to anyone else’s, including her children’s. She’d go to any lengths to acquire whatever it was she seeked.

Now, some people like to tell lies and paint pretty pictures of themselves for attention, but a true narcissist, as in my mother’s case, actually believes her own stories because she lived in her own ego.

I learned through the years of studying her, that this was a disease, which commonly wasn’t recognized as such. In the last generation, I don’t believe it was prominently diagnosed.

Do we all have some elements of that behaviour and if so what triggers it becoming a full blown disorder?

I don’t believe we all have the elements of becoming a narcissist, but I do believe there can be circumstances or incidents one encounters in life that propel one to becoming narcissistic. I’m no licenced psychologist, but I have to believe it can also be linked to various (undiagnosed) mental disorders, such as depression, which becomes a catalyst to narcissism, used to overcome some troubling issues. I say this because I think that besides my mother’s strife to be the best in show, I sensed a sadness within her that she was trying to conceal, not just to everyone, but also to herself.

She medicated that inner sadness with booze, pills and gambling, intermittently. She came from a poor family, and in a Scarlett O’Hara sort of way, had used her beauty as a weapon to obtain materialistic things in life.

I don’t believe anyone is born a narcissist. I think that it is the situations one lives through, which have a propensity to steer them in that direction as a means to achieve a status to feel better about themselves; and no matter at who’s expense.

It is obvious, as in your case, that a child would feel powerless in that kind of relationship. But is also true that adults of narcissistic parents can still be under the influence of that negativity especially as the parents age. What would be your advice to someone facing that challenge?

I would have to say the statistics show that many adults are still held under the powers of a narcissistic parent. It’s a major feat to become freed from the power that parents hold over us, mainly from their use of guilt as a means to obtain what they demand.

I was petrified to say the word “no” to my mother, my whole life. I danced to her every whim, and there were plenty of them. Children’s psyches are delicate, and grow from what we know and are used to. If we’re obedient, and not defiant children being raised by a narcissist, the odds are we shall remain under their power for the rest of their lives unless we are lucky enough to take a stand to them. For me, it was always unsettling to be around my mother.

We have to find a way for ourselves to live comfortably and deal with that parent (in my case.) It is very unlikely that person will ever change because they don’t believe they are the one with the problem.

I complied with my mother’s demands all my life and it ate away at me like poison, I took her wraths and tantrums because I felt I had to obey. I was the child, no matter what age I was. It took me decades and barrels of courage to get over the feeling that she had entitlement to anything she demanded from me, as a daughter. With a lot of self-therapy and self-analysis, I tried to reason with her to no avail.

I had to learn the hard way that it wasn’t my job, or in my power to fix her. The sickness wouldn’t allow anything positive I had to offer her, register with her. In the end, it was my own self-sanity I had to save, and painfully after so much emotional torment, at 48 years old, I walked away,

Sometimes you have to learn when you can’t fix a broken soul who doesn’t think it needs repairing.

In the UK there are around 120,000 divorces a year which is one of the highest in the European Union. In the US I understand that is around the 2.5 million mark per year. Whatever the figure that is a huge number of men and women and of course millions of children who are faced with this life changing event. What do you believe are the key issues that partners find so difficult to overcome that leads to this very final dissolution of their relationship and family?

Many times people get married for the wrong reasons, varying from anything such as, for material gain, pregnancy, or just settling for a relationship in order not to be alone, just to name a few. Other times, it could be that people marry too young.

Experience shows us that as we grow older, our wants and likes change as we grow. Sometimes people drift into new directions, leaving a partner behind when they no longer share interests. Also, infidelity is a major cause of break-ups, and I believe the promiscuity begins when one isn’t receiving the shared interest, respect, attention or kindness from their partner. They crave acceptance and to be acknowledged or included as a partner in their marriage, and when they stop receiving, they become vulnerable when they meet someone who feeds that need.

What would be your advice to anyone in a relationship who is facing potentially serious issues about some of the communication points they should be discussing with their partners to help prevent a complete breakdown?

We have to communicate our thoughts and feelings to our partners. We have to open our ears and listen back when they express their feelings to us. We should be supporting their work and passions. This must become a two-way street of reciprocation.

If we feel we are giving our all, and we aren’t being paid any mind or consideration for our own thoughts and feelings, this is a good sign we are not in a loving, supportive relationship. This would be the time to seek some outside therapy to salvage a relationship, before it becomes time to sever it.

Back to your writing. What is your next major project and where are you in the process?

I am currently in revisions with my next book (very late with them I might add), about essays on life incidents. In this book, I recall some stories of past years, when life was different, and often simpler. And, of course, there are stories about how the times have changed, and my opinions about how I feel about it.

I’m also writing the sequel to my first book, Conflicted Hearts. I left my first book open to a finish, as my mother was still living at the time of publication. Since that time, she has passed, and I’ve had a lot more realizations and interviews with family members, delving deeper into my mother’s issues, which I didn’t feel was fair to get into while she was alive. I’m hoping to have that book finished and published by summer of 2016.

Now time for the central theme of the Sunday Show interview.. ‘A funny thing happened to me..’

What are the Odds?

I title this situation with the phrase I’ve countlessly repeated many times throughout my life because I’ve often encountered situations in life where the odds were slim of things happening.

Sometimes it wasn’t always a good situation, but in this instance, I lucked out with favourable odds.

When I was twenty-five, I took a leave of absence from my then position as an executive assistant to the general manager of a downtown hotel chain. I had a fantasy that I wanted to fulfil of travelling through the Greek islands. Part of that trip I rented villa on the island of Mykonos for six weeks.

I travelled alone, as I was fiercely independent and had no trouble meeting people and forging friendships.

While I was waiting for three days in Athens for my booked passage over to Mykonos, I had befriended some interesting people staying at my same hotel. One of these people was a lovely Dutch boy, a few years younger than I, who was backpacking through Europe. Another couple I befriended were from Australia, also backpacking and taking on work around Europe to sustain their travels. They were at the same hotel at the same time as I was, all treating themselves to a few days in a nice hotel instead of the usual youth hostels.

When we all parted to go our separate ways, I had given them my address in Mykonos, and invited them to drop by if they were on the island in the coming weeks, and I offered them a room to rent in the villa for a nominal fee. I thought it would be nice for them, and it would also give me some extra pocket money.

Only a few days had gone by in Mykonos, and I had broken my foot getting off a high step on a bus while going into town for some provisions. Now, that situation alone is a story, which you will find in my book Conflicted Hearts, but nonetheless, my foot was broken, and I wasn’t going to another island to have it casted. I saw a doctor who wrapped it tightly in a tensor bandage, gave me crutches, and told me to keep my leg elevated as much as possible. Walking on crutches on the broken cobblestone roads and struggling to get up the small mountain (and down) on the rickety path to the beach was a feat in itself.

 A few days had passed and as I struggled again to get to the beach, and find my rock where I elevated my foot, I laid down my things and began thinking that I should cut my vacation short because it was too hard for me to get around. I was sad and scared about my demise. Tears sprang from eyes in my feelings of defeat. And then moments later, I heard somebody shouting my name.

I was sure it was a call for someone else, as I had yet to make friends with anyone there, except for the jeweller in town who befriended me when I fell off the bus and helped me get to a doctor, then scared the crap out of me. (Again full story in my book.)

I quickly sat up to see where the far away voice was coming from, when I realized God had sent me an angel.

My little Dutch friend had come to visit. He stayed for two weeks. He was so kind and helpful. He prepared meals for me, took me to town and carried my things, and helped me up and down the hilly paths. We shared a great friendship for many years after through letters. And, of course, I never took a dime from him.

Could lightning strike twice? After my Dutch friend left, a mere one day later, the same miracle happened at the beach when my Aussie friends showed up looking for me. They stayed with me for two weeks.

Coincidence? Divine timing? Those who know me well know that I often preach that we meet people; sometimes for reasons, sometimes for a season.

Thank you so much Debby for providing such an important insight into one of the most corrosive relationships that we can find ourselves in and also the strategies that might help us overcome the challenges we face.   Love your story… Coincidence perhaps, but also down to how well liked you were by those you met that they wanted to see you again…

Buy Debby’s books and connect with her… Definitely a ‘must do’.

Links
Author page on – http://www.amazon.com/author/dgkaye7
Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/pokercubster
Blog – http://www.dgkayewriter.com
Facebook – http://www.facebook.com/dgkaye
Google – http://www.google.com/+DebbyDGKayeGies
About Me – www.about.me/d.g.kaye.writer

Thank you for stopping by and do please leave your comments and of course please feel free to share by reblogging or clicking on any of the social media buttons…

Next week John W. Howell author of My GRL… joining us from Texas.