Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Open Mic Night 12th June- More humour from the senior team

My sister Diana and her friends have been passing around the funnies again this week and here are a few for you to enjoy.

And now for some bad ‘Dad Jokes’ from David Cronin….please no groaning from the balcony….

I just watched a program about BEAVERS.

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

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What did the PIRATE say on his 80th birthday

“Aye, matey!”

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How do you organize an OUTER SPACE party

You planet.

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What type of magazines do COWS enjoy reading

Cattlelogs.

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What did the OCEAN say to the sailboat

Nothing; it just waved.

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What did the mermaid wear to MATH CLASS

An algae-bra.

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I ordered a CHICKEN and an EGG online.

I’ll let you know which comes first.

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A termite walks into a BAR and asks

“Is the bar tender here?”

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What did DADDY spider say to baby spider

You spend too much time on the WEB.

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What do you call a group of KILLER WHALES playing instruments

An orca-stra.

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We might be going SNORKELING this weekend

but I’m not holding my breath.

Thanks for joining us and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…thanks Sally and the team..

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Really Bad Dad Jokes – Part One and a few funnies.

My husband David found some really bad Dad’s Jokes and thought you might enjoy… no groaning please… there are hundreds so here is part one….

My thanks to Malcolm  Allen from Australia for his contribution.

Why is it always COLD in stadiums
Because they’re full of fans!
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My wife saw an ANT pick up a LEAF five times its weight and said, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said “Yes.”
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How many tickles does it take to make an OCTOPUS laugh
Ten-tickles.
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You know what the LOUDEST pet you can get is
A trumpet.
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What do you get when you cross a SNOWMAN with a VAMPIRE
Frostbite.
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What did the BUFFALO say to his SON when he dropped him off at school
“Bison.”
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Why did the SCARECROW win an award
Because he was outstanding in his field!
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I remember when the SHOVEL was invented.
It was truly a groundbreaking creation.
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Two GOLDFISH are in a TANK. One says to the other
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
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What do you call an alligator in a VEST
An investigator!
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I used to have a job COLLECTING LEAVES.
I was raking it in.
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Why couldn’t you hear the PTERODACTYL go to the bathroom
Because the P is silent!

Why do bees HUM
Because they don’t know the words!
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I named my dogs ROLEX and TIMEX.
They’re my watch dogs!
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What’s the difference between a HIPPO and a ZIPPO
One’s really heavy while the other one is a little lighter.
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What do you call a pony with a SORE THROAT
A little hoarse.

Thanks for dropping in today and beware there will be more bad Dad’s jokes in a couple of weeks.. thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and some Jokes from Sally.

Firstly, with the results for some days sleuthing on the Internet some funnies from Debby Gies .

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on Smorgasbord – D.G. Kaye Explores the Realm of Relationships

And time for some new material from Sally…..who has also been out foraging

More one liners at the doctors.

‘Doctor, Doctor.. help me I’m shrinking.’ ‘Just a minute and be a little patient’.

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn’t I see you yesterday?

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, “Divorce is strong with this one!”

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I’m wondering… do I keep the letters?

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

Thanks One line fun

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your faces… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies that she has spotted that she thinks you would enjoy…..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

You have fair warning… Christmas jokes will start to appear on Thursday…. resistance is futile…..

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: The Travel Column with D.G. Kaye

And now a joke or two from my archives

Words of wisdom

A man had been contemplating the world’s population,
It’s amazing, he told his friend. Every time I breathe in and out someone dies.
Have you tried mouthwash said his friend

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‘Every man should have a girl for love, companionship and sympathy,’ said a wise and mature bachelor. ‘Preferably at three different addresses,’ he added

Quick thinking

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note: ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

Thank you for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Misleading, Misdirection and minding your own business, and more one liners…

Now time for those one liners.. as usual please place your groans rated 1-10 in the comments!

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

There is no point in following the five second rule when you drop your toast on the floor if you have a three second dog.

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Things are not as they might seem.. and a few more one liners…

And now a few one liners…..please add your level of groans in the comment section rated between 1 -10….

Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning ‘Many’. and Tics, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.

Of all the blood groups,type Os make the most spelling mistakes..

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One liners interrupted by comedic images….

Some more one liners I have come across in my travels and some comedic images….

My father offered me the benefit of his experience when I was younger. ‘Never do anything you will regret later in life’. I thought this was such a great piece of advice I had it tattooed on my forehead.

How do you keep your husband from reading your emails? Put them in a folder marked ‘Instruction manuals.

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? No-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

I tried to order some tennis balls online last night but the site kept crashing. They must have had a problem with their server.

Experts say that coffee is bad for you, sugar is bad for you, chocolate is bad for you and fat is bad for you. But don’t worry, that’s bad for you too.

Woman patient.’I seem to get fat just in certain places, Doctor, what should I do?’  Doctor: ‘Stay out of certain places.’

I think hitchhikers are really friendly, I have passed five in the last hour and they all gave me a thumbs up.

Teacher. ‘Why are you crying Mary?’  Mary. ‘Because my new sneakers hurt.’ Teacher. ‘That’s because you’ve put them on the wrong feet.’ Mary. ‘Well they’re the only feet I have…’

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. tune in again next Tuesday… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Short jokes that are easy to remember!

It is always useful to have a few jokes in your repertoire… You know, that moment when someone asks you if you have heard any good jokes lately. Here are a few to get you started with more to come in the next couple of posts.

Age memoire…

How old are you Grandma?’ asked little Rebecca.

‘Oh, I don’t know dear,’ said Grandma with a smile. ‘I’ve had so many birthdays, I’ve lost count!’

‘Well, why don’t you look in your knickers,’ said Rebecca. ‘Mine say three to four years old.’

Psychiatry

A young man laboured under the delusion that he was a Yorkshire terrier. His friends persuaded him to seek professional help and he went to a psychiatrist for a course of treatment. Some weeks later, he met one of his friends in the street. ‘And how are things now?’ asked his friend. ‘Did the psychiatrist cure you?’

‘Oh yes,’ said the young man. ‘I’m quite okay now. Fit as a fiddle – here, feel my nose.’

A woman walked into a psychiatrist’s office carrying a duck under her arm. ‘What seems to be the problem?’ asked the psychiatrist. ‘Well, it’s not me, actually,’ said the woman. ‘It’s my husband. He thinks he’s a duck.’

Diet Pills

‘I’m prescribing these pills for you,’ said the doctor to the grossly overweight patient, who tipped the scales at 300lbs. ‘I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up one at a time.’

Dog shows-

Miss Smythe was miffed… Her pet a Chihuahua was consistently second in dog shows throughout the country… One day she decided to investigate by asking the judges why this was happening. It was explained to her that the true Chihuahua breed had smooth coats and her dog, despite being perfect in every other way, had a shaggy coat.

Miss Smythe decided to take action and popped into a local pharmacist to buy some hair remover.

The chemist handed her the latest product. ‘When you slap this on, it’s best to keep your arms up for two or three minutes,’ he said.

‘Oh it’s not for my underarms, it’s for my Chihuahua,’ she explained.

‘In that case,’ said the chemist, ‘don’t ride a bike for 30 minutes.’

Mistaken Identity

The parish priest was a welcome visitor for short-sighted Mrs. Evans and after he had left one day she commented to her daughter how kind he was.

‘But that wasn’t the priest mum that was the doctor.’

‘Oh was it?’ Mrs Evans exclaimed with relief, ‘I thought Father O’Malley was getting a bit familiar!’

Popes and Lawyers.

The Pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates on the same cloud as a lawyer. They are both ushered in and St. Peter assigns the lawyer to a mansion with a golf course while the Pope is confined to a single room with a radio.

Even the lawyer is surprised. ‘How come?’ he asked.

St. Peter replied: ‘We have near on 100 popes, but you are the first lawyer.’

I hope you have enjoyed this selection and more on Thursday… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – More One Liners and Snippets #Jokes

All the world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Quoting one is plagiarism…quoting many is research.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.

I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Thanks for dropping in and please feel free to share the smiles… Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One-Liners – Part Three.. 61 to 90 – Feel free to groan.

Here is the next set of one – liners – please feel free to groan!!

Part two can be found here: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/05/29/smorgasbord-laughter-lines-one-liners-marathon-part-two-31-60/

61. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

62. For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

63. I’m going to start thinking positive, but I know it won’t work.

64. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

65. You can’t have everything – where would you put it?

66. When you go into court you’re putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough get out of jury duty.

67. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

68. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

69. How can there be self-help “groups”?

70. If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

71. If you shouldn’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

72. Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

73. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

74. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

75. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

76. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

77. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

78. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

79. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

80. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

81. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

82. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

83. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

84. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

85. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

86. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

87. Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

88. He who hesitates is boss.

89. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

90. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

Thanks for dropping in today and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally.