Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – February 2nd 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Wine Day and One Liners


Welcome to laughter lines with some fun from around the web from Debby Gies and a joke or two to make you smile from Sally.

If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. WritesGoodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads –  Twitter: @pokercubster

Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord  D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020

Now something from Sally’s Archives

Some more one liners…

  • Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.
  • Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
  • I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
  • A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”
  • I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
  • My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  • A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
  • Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.
  • A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”
  • A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

 

Thanks for visiting us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Open Mic Night 12th June- More humour from the senior team


My sister Diana and her friends have been passing around the funnies again this week and here are a few for you to enjoy.

And now for some bad ‘Dad Jokes’ from David Cronin….please no groaning from the balcony….

I just watched a program about BEAVERS.

It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

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What did the PIRATE say on his 80th birthday

“Aye, matey!”

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How do you organize an OUTER SPACE party

You planet.

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What type of magazines do COWS enjoy reading

Cattlelogs.

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What did the OCEAN say to the sailboat

Nothing; it just waved.

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What did the mermaid wear to MATH CLASS

An algae-bra.

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I ordered a CHICKEN and an EGG online.

I’ll let you know which comes first.

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A termite walks into a BAR and asks

“Is the bar tender here?”

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What did DADDY spider say to baby spider

You spend too much time on the WEB.

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What do you call a group of KILLER WHALES playing instruments

An orca-stra.

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We might be going SNORKELING this weekend

but I’m not holding my breath.

Thanks for joining us and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…thanks Sally and the team..

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – Really Bad Dad Jokes – Part One and a few funnies.


My husband David found some really bad Dad’s Jokes and thought you might enjoy… no groaning please… there are hundreds so here is part one….

My thanks to Malcolm  Allen from Australia for his contribution.

Why is it always COLD in stadiums
Because they’re full of fans!
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My wife saw an ANT pick up a LEAF five times its weight and said, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said “Yes.”
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How many tickles does it take to make an OCTOPUS laugh
Ten-tickles.
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You know what the LOUDEST pet you can get is
A trumpet.
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What do you get when you cross a SNOWMAN with a VAMPIRE
Frostbite.
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What did the BUFFALO say to his SON when he dropped him off at school
“Bison.”
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Why did the SCARECROW win an award
Because he was outstanding in his field!
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I remember when the SHOVEL was invented.
It was truly a groundbreaking creation.
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Two GOLDFISH are in a TANK. One says to the other
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
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What do you call an alligator in a VEST
An investigator!
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I used to have a job COLLECTING LEAVES.
I was raking it in.
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Why couldn’t you hear the PTERODACTYL go to the bathroom
Because the P is silent!

Why do bees HUM
Because they don’t know the words!
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I named my dogs ROLEX and TIMEX.
They’re my watch dogs!
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What’s the difference between a HIPPO and a ZIPPO
One’s really heavy while the other one is a little lighter.
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What do you call a pony with a SORE THROAT
A little hoarse.

Thanks for dropping in today and beware there will be more bad Dad’s jokes in a couple of weeks.. thanks Sally.

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and some Jokes from Sally.


Firstly, with the results for some days sleuthing on the Internet some funnies from Debby Gies .

D.G. Writes is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

Thanks to Debby for finding this treasures… please give her a round of applause..

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK    Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Check out Debby’s new series here on SmorgasbordD.G. Kaye Explores the Realm of Relationships

And time for some new material from Sally…..who has also been out foraging

More one liners at the doctors.

‘Doctor, Doctor.. help me I’m shrinking.’ ‘Just a minute and be a little patient’.

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor I think I’m suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn’t I see you yesterday?

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, “Divorce is strong with this one!”

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I’m wondering… do I keep the letters?

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

Thanks One line fun

Thanks for dropping in today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your faces… Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives


First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies that she has spotted that she thinks you would enjoy…..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

You have fair warning… Christmas jokes will start to appear on Thursday…. resistance is futile…..

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon USBlog: D.G. Writes Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: The Travel Column with D.G. Kaye

And now a joke or two from my archives

Words of wisdom

A man had been contemplating the world’s population,
It’s amazing, he told his friend. Every time I breathe in and out someone dies.
Have you tried mouthwash said his friend

*****

‘Every man should have a girl for love, companionship and sympathy,’ said a wise and mature bachelor. ‘Preferably at three different addresses,’ he added

Quick thinking

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note: ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

Thank you for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Misleading, Misdirection and minding your own business, and more one liners…


Now time for those one liners.. as usual please place your groans rated 1-10 in the comments!

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

There is no point in following the five second rule when you drop your toast on the floor if you have a three second dog.

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Things are not as they might seem.. and a few more one liners…


And now a few one liners…..please add your level of groans in the comment section rated between 1 -10….

Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning ‘Many’. and Tics, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.

Of all the blood groups,type Os make the most spelling mistakes..

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One liners interrupted by comedic images….


Some more one liners I have come across in my travels and some comedic images….

My father offered me the benefit of his experience when I was younger. ‘Never do anything you will regret later in life’. I thought this was such a great piece of advice I had it tattooed on my forehead.

How do you keep your husband from reading your emails? Put them in a folder marked ‘Instruction manuals.

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? No-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

I tried to order some tennis balls online last night but the site kept crashing. They must have had a problem with their server.

Experts say that coffee is bad for you, sugar is bad for you, chocolate is bad for you and fat is bad for you. But don’t worry, that’s bad for you too.

Woman patient.’I seem to get fat just in certain places, Doctor, what should I do?’  Doctor: ‘Stay out of certain places.’

I think hitchhikers are really friendly, I have passed five in the last hour and they all gave me a thumbs up.

Teacher. ‘Why are you crying Mary?’  Mary. ‘Because my new sneakers hurt.’ Teacher. ‘That’s because you’ve put them on the wrong feet.’ Mary. ‘Well they’re the only feet I have…’

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. tune in again next Tuesday… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One-Liners – Part Three.. 61 to 90 – Feel free to groan.


Here is the next set of one – liners – please feel free to groan!!

Part two can be found here: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/05/29/smorgasbord-laughter-lines-one-liners-marathon-part-two-31-60/

61. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

62. For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

63. I’m going to start thinking positive, but I know it won’t work.

64. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

65. You can’t have everything – where would you put it?

66. When you go into court you’re putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough get out of jury duty.

67. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

68. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

69. How can there be self-help “groups”?

70. If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

71. If you shouldn’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

72. Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

73. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

74. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

75. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

76. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

77. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

78. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

79. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

80. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

81. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

82. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

83. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

84. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

85. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

86. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

87. Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

88. He who hesitates is boss.

89. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

90. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

Thanks for dropping in today and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One liners Marathon – Part Two – 31- 60


I make no apologies for these one liners… only 333 to go!!!

31.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

32.Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

33.Two wrongs are only the beginning.

34.The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

35.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

36.Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

37.Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

38.Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.

39.If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

40.How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

41.If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what’s the speed of darkness?

42.Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

43.Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

44.”When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather–not screamin like the passengers in his car.”

45.A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

46.It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

47.I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

48.I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

49.I’m so ugly… My father carried around a picture of a kid that came with his wallet.

50.When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”

51.I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.

52.I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

53.My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

54.I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

55.I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

56.What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

57.Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

58.My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

59.It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

60.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

 

Thanks for dropping by..  feel free to pass them on and Part Three next Tuesday.. Part One can be found in the archive for Tuesday.