Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Comedian in Residence D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives

First Debby Gies shares some of the funnies that she has spotted that she thinks you would enjoy…..D.G. Kaye Writer Blog is where you will find an archive full of wonderful posts across several subjects including writing tips, social issues and book reviews.

You have fair warning… Christmas jokes will start to appear on Thursday…. resistance is futile…..

My thanks to Debby for spotting these.. and please give her a round of applause.

D. G. Kaye – Buy: Amazon US – Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Catch up with Debby’s Travel Column here every month: The Travel Column with D.G. Kaye

And now a joke or two from my archives

Words of wisdom

A man had been contemplating the world’s population,
It’s amazing, he told his friend. Every time I breathe in and out someone dies.
Have you tried mouthwash said his friend

*****

‘Every man should have a girl for love, companionship and sympathy,’ said a wise and mature bachelor. ‘Preferably at three different addresses,’ he added

Quick thinking

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note: ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

Thank you for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….thanks Debby and Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Misleading, Misdirection and minding your own business, and more one liners…

Now time for those one liners.. as usual please place your groans rated 1-10 in the comments!

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

There is no point in following the five second rule when you drop your toast on the floor if you have a three second dog.

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Things are not as they might seem.. and a few more one liners…

And now a few one liners…..please add your level of groans in the comment section rated between 1 -10….

Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning ‘Many’. and Tics, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.

Of all the blood groups,type Os make the most spelling mistakes..

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One liners interrupted by comedic images….

Some more one liners I have come across in my travels and some comedic images….

My father offered me the benefit of his experience when I was younger. ‘Never do anything you will regret later in life’. I thought this was such a great piece of advice I had it tattooed on my forehead.

How do you keep your husband from reading your emails? Put them in a folder marked ‘Instruction manuals.

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? No-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

I tried to order some tennis balls online last night but the site kept crashing. They must have had a problem with their server.

Experts say that coffee is bad for you, sugar is bad for you, chocolate is bad for you and fat is bad for you. But don’t worry, that’s bad for you too.

Woman patient.’I seem to get fat just in certain places, Doctor, what should I do?’  Doctor: ‘Stay out of certain places.’

I think hitchhikers are really friendly, I have passed five in the last hour and they all gave me a thumbs up.

Teacher. ‘Why are you crying Mary?’  Mary. ‘Because my new sneakers hurt.’ Teacher. ‘That’s because you’ve put them on the wrong feet.’ Mary. ‘Well they’re the only feet I have…’

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face.. tune in again next Tuesday… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Short jokes that are easy to remember!

It is always useful to have a few jokes in your repertoire… You know, that moment when someone asks you if you have heard any good jokes lately. Here are a few to get you started with more to come in the next couple of posts.

Age memoire…

How old are you Grandma?’ asked little Rebecca.

‘Oh, I don’t know dear,’ said Grandma with a smile. ‘I’ve had so many birthdays, I’ve lost count!’

‘Well, why don’t you look in your knickers,’ said Rebecca. ‘Mine say three to four years old.’

Psychiatry

A young man laboured under the delusion that he was a Yorkshire terrier. His friends persuaded him to seek professional help and he went to a psychiatrist for a course of treatment. Some weeks later, he met one of his friends in the street. ‘And how are things now?’ asked his friend. ‘Did the psychiatrist cure you?’

‘Oh yes,’ said the young man. ‘I’m quite okay now. Fit as a fiddle – here, feel my nose.’

A woman walked into a psychiatrist’s office carrying a duck under her arm. ‘What seems to be the problem?’ asked the psychiatrist. ‘Well, it’s not me, actually,’ said the woman. ‘It’s my husband. He thinks he’s a duck.’

Diet Pills

‘I’m prescribing these pills for you,’ said the doctor to the grossly overweight patient, who tipped the scales at 300lbs. ‘I don’t want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up one at a time.’

Dog shows-

Miss Smythe was miffed… Her pet a Chihuahua was consistently second in dog shows throughout the country… One day she decided to investigate by asking the judges why this was happening. It was explained to her that the true Chihuahua breed had smooth coats and her dog, despite being perfect in every other way, had a shaggy coat.

Miss Smythe decided to take action and popped into a local pharmacist to buy some hair remover.

The chemist handed her the latest product. ‘When you slap this on, it’s best to keep your arms up for two or three minutes,’ he said.

‘Oh it’s not for my underarms, it’s for my Chihuahua,’ she explained.

‘In that case,’ said the chemist, ‘don’t ride a bike for 30 minutes.’

Mistaken Identity

The parish priest was a welcome visitor for short-sighted Mrs. Evans and after he had left one day she commented to her daughter how kind he was.

‘But that wasn’t the priest mum that was the doctor.’

‘Oh was it?’ Mrs Evans exclaimed with relief, ‘I thought Father O’Malley was getting a bit familiar!’

Popes and Lawyers.

The Pope dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates on the same cloud as a lawyer. They are both ushered in and St. Peter assigns the lawyer to a mansion with a golf course while the Pope is confined to a single room with a radio.

Even the lawyer is surprised. ‘How come?’ he asked.

St. Peter replied: ‘We have near on 100 popes, but you are the first lawyer.’

I hope you have enjoyed this selection and more on Thursday… thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – More One Liners and Snippets #Jokes

All the world’s a stage, but the play is badly cast.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Quoting one is plagiarism…quoting many is research.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

I don’t do drugs anymore ’cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for about a buck at the bowling alley.

I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Thanks for dropping in and please feel free to share the smiles… Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One-Liners – Part Three.. 61 to 90 – Feel free to groan.

Here is the next set of one – liners – please feel free to groan!!

Part two can be found here: https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/2018/05/29/smorgasbord-laughter-lines-one-liners-marathon-part-two-31-60/

61. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

62. For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

63. I’m going to start thinking positive, but I know it won’t work.

64. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

65. You can’t have everything – where would you put it?

66. When you go into court you’re putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough get out of jury duty.

67. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

68. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

69. How can there be self-help “groups”?

70. If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

71. If you shouldn’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

72. Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

73. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

74. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

75. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

76. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

77. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

78. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

79. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

80. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

81. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

82. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

83. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

84. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

85. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

86. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!

87. Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

88. He who hesitates is boss.

89. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

90. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

Thanks for dropping in today and please feel free to share.. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – One liners Marathon – Part Two – 31- 60

I make no apologies for these one liners… only 333 to go!!!

31.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

32.Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

33.Two wrongs are only the beginning.

34.The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

35.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

36.Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

37.Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

38.Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.

39.If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

40.How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

41.If the speed of light is 186,000 miles/sec., what’s the speed of darkness?

42.Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

43.Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

44.”When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather–not screamin like the passengers in his car.”

45.A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

46.It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning … put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

47.I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

48.I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

49.I’m so ugly… My father carried around a picture of a kid that came with his wallet.

50.When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.”

51.I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.

52.I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

53.My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

54.I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror…I feel like throwing up; What’s wrong with me?” He said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

55.I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

56.What’s the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

57.Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

58.My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

59.It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

60.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

 

Thanks for dropping by..  feel free to pass them on and Part Three next Tuesday.. Part One can be found in the archive for Tuesday.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – A few Irish jokes and one liners… Part One – 1 – 30

I trot these out every year and add some new ones here and there… if you have read them before.. then try to put that behind you and enjoy again……….

Here is the first lot.

1.When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

2.His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Finnegan.

3.Pat and Kieran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said “I’m taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?” The other one said “Two rattlesnakes!”

4.”Seamus do you understand French?”, “I do if its spoken in Irish”

5.Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road. A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them, skids, tumbles twice and lands in a field. Jimmy say to Eamonn it’s just as well we got out of that field.

6.Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. “Faith, Mike, we’ve stumbled into the graveyard and here’s the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!” “Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?” “No, ’twas someone named ‘Miles from Dublin’!”

7.T’was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots haven’t gotten the joke yet!!”

8.One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

9.I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

10.42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

11.99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

12.If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

13.Honk if you love peace and quiet.

14.Remember half the people you know are below average.

15.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16.He who laughs last thinks slowest.

17.The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18.I intend to live forever – so far so good.

19.Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.

20.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21.Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

22.Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

23.If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

24.Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

25.For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

26.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

27.No one is listening until you make a mistake.

28.Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

29.The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

30.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s selection… please feel free to share and more sillies… I mean funnies to come next week…. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Fifty Sheds of Grey, Tree Hugging and One-Liners

Another way of looking at it! Double-entendres (a bit saucy).

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and its sequels have seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now an alternative for men, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for
the men.

The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love
encounters at the bottom of the garden.

Here are some extracts………………………

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a
wall…
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was
the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want
with me.”
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes,
chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the
shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be
punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me
the receipt.

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be
able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said,
gently massaging my back as we listened to her Barry Manilow CD.

The dangers of being a tree hugger!

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a ‘recreational area’ so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I’m sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.

And a few one liners…

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about antigravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro… What a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

Sporty?

My skiing skills are really going downhill

I’m not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.

My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve.. He kept returning it

What do say to an impatient Jockey? Hold your horses.

I think there are about 1 to 2 million baseball fields in the world but that is just a ballpark number.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I hope you enjoyed and were not too overcome by the Fifty Sheds of Grey.. personally I thought more realistic and true to life than the original…..Please feel free to pass on… thanks Sally