Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Pearly Gate dilemmas, Finding the F’s and Passwords


Count the number of F’s in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it? OK? How many? Three?

Check at the end of the post!

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing and boasting about their sons.

‘My Jack,’ said Lily, is such a wonderful boy, each week he visits me for two hours and brings me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.  Once a month he takes me out to a restaurant for Sunday lunch and anything I need, I just have to mention it and it is there.

‘Well’, said Mary a little tartly. ‘My Angus lives with me and every morning brings up a tray to my room with a fully cooked breakfast and a pot of tea with a white rose in a bud vase. He comes home from work every day to make me soup and a sandwich and then in the evening we watch television with a wonderful supper he has prepared’.

Molly held up her hand and smiled smugly at her friends. ‘I don’t want to take away from your love for your sons and what they do for you but I think that my son Michael is the king of sons. Three times a week he pays someone £150 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them about me.. and only me!’

Passwords

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”

 

First Aid Course

At the weekly meeting of the Women’s Institute, one of the members was enthusing about the recent First Aid course she had attended. ‘It was a lucky thing that I went on that course,’ she said. ‘I was coming down the Hight Street yesterday when I heard a big crash behind me. I looked round and there was this poor chap who had been knocked down by a taxi. He was covered in blood, and he looked to have a broken and a compound fracture of the leg – an possibly a fractured skull. And then I remembered what I had learned on my First Aid course. So I bent over and put my head between my knees to stop myself from fainting.’

Answer to the Quick Eye Exam. – There are six – no joke! Read again!

Thanks for dropping in and I hope that you have enjoyed the laughter….Sally

Advertisements

Laughter the best medicine.. Heavens above!!


We all have our own spiritual beliefs and I mean no disrespect when I say that the ability to laugh with each other on the matter of religion is far better than fighting about our differences. Here is a light hearted look at religion and unusally I actually managed to find one about the Amish!

guardian

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she
shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car you old beggar.’

i don't believe it

Jack strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse.

“Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse you are looking for, the only thing is; he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream ‘hey hey’ the way to get him to go is to scream ‘Thank God’.

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going.

No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yo yo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “hey hey!” Jim screamed.

The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune; he looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”

heaven or hell

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”

catsA man joins a Trappist order and is told that he is allowed to say just two words every five years. After five years he speaks his two words to his superiors. ‘Bed hard’.

He is promised the problem will be looked into.

Another five years pass. This time his two words are ‘Food cold.’

Again his superiors promise to address the issue.

Five years later his two words are, ‘I quit.’ His superiors look at each other wearily.

‘We’re not in the slightest bit surprised. You’ve done nothing but complain for the last fifteen years.

Quotes

italians

‘Why is it when we talk to God we are said to be praying, but when God talks to us we are schizophrenic?’ Lily Tomlin

dog and cat heaven

A little dog lived in a pub for all of his fifteen years and was the darling of the regulars. He would get up on the bar and dance a jig and then leap into the publican’s arms for a cuddle. They were devoted to each other and when the terrier finally died the landlord was heartbroken.

So that he would still have his pal close, he took off his tail and framed and put on the wall behind the bar.

Meanwhile the little terrier arrived at the pearly gates and was just about to stroll in when St. Peter stopped him.

‘Sorry you cannot come into heaven,’ he told the forlorn old dog.

‘But why?’ he asked anxiously.

‘Well,’ said St. Peter. ‘You have to be perfect to get into heaven and you are missing your tail.’

Crestfallen the dog asked if there was anything he could do.

‘Return to your home,’ suggested St. Peter ‘ and ask for your tail back and return as soon as you can.’

The publican was just washing the glasses up after his last customer had staggered home when he heard a scratching at the back door. He opened it and was astonished to see his beloved pal.

‘What are you doing here mate, I thought you were dead?’

‘I need my tail otherwise they won’t let me into heaven.’ the little dog pleaded.

‘Oh mate, I wish I could but they would have my licence, you know I can’t retail spirits after 11.00 pm.’

For those of you I have not offended please feel free to comment and share.