Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra Rewind- Courtroom funnies host Sally Cronin


Subject: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I hope you are leaving with a smile on your face….have a good weekend… Sally

 

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Round Up – August 15th – 21st 2021 – Crows, Chicago, Soul-Mates, Stories, Poetry, Health, Book Reviews and Humour


Welcome to the round up of posts you might have missed during the week.

I call days like this ‘Grizzly’ as the rain has subsided to a fine mist that bathes your face and hair as you move through it.. not a good look or feeling.. still the crows have descended on the lawn digging divots to put golfers to shame as they grab insects and slitherers seeking refuge from the water-logged clay soil. So at least there are some happy campers.

On the subject of crows we have been rehabilitating a young crow who we believe was either hit by a car or possibly attacked by a cat. I first noticed him/she not sure which, a couple of weeks ago. I love my birds in the garden who are so entertaining, but when crows descend in a ‘murder’ and mob the feeding station they cause havoc despite not being able to gain access to the seed. The rest of the garden birds sit in the trees glaring at the kitchen window waiting for ‘hooman’ intervention in the form of waving arms and expletives.

After such a display to dispel the murder, one particular scrawny crow only fluttered a few yards and seemed unsteady on his feet. I watched him over the next couple of days until he didn’t even make an effort to fly. In fact when I approached wearing protective gloves he meekly allowed me to pick him up and examine him. He didn’t appear to have any visible injuries but was very thin and scraggly looking.We did subsequently find some very fine black cotton wrapped around his toes which was barely visible and removed it,  and we put him into a roomy box with some food overnight.

We noticed that he made no sound and his beak barely opened and we think that might be associated with a head injury or pressure put on his throat during an attack. This made feeding difficult, but after trial and error, we found that he could manage cooked brown rice, mixed with a little tuna in sunflower oil and bird fat balls that are soft and contain various seeds. He has also taken a liking to chunks of banana still in their skin which keep him busy for hours.

When the weather is not raining ferociously, we put him out in the back garden which is enclosed but is unfortunately is still accessible to the neighbourhood cats… Word got around the grapevine that there was an injured crow for the taking and he (now called Charlie) was getting pounced upon if he sheltered in the hedges. We would put food out for him and he discovered a den under the shed at night that offered him some protection, however he then attracted (or his food did) the attention of a hedgehog who seemed over a few days to put on two stone.

There is a dilemma as to the quality of life for a wild creature in these circumstances and what would be the kindest thing to do in the long term, but two weeks on there has been some improvement. Charlie is out all day with water stations and the occasional half of fat ball. He loiters under the bird feeder and despite his increasing size the other birds who would normally demand some arm waving, ignore him and even join him on the ground to mop up stray seeds.

We left him out day and night but he became stressed and clearly exhausted being on alert all the time. He knows my voice and comes towards me and he lingers around David when he is working outside and accepts being picked up at night. I did wonder what he might think about us, if anything, but twice when we have left him out towards early evening he has managed to get under the gate from the back garden, around the house and David has found him outside my office window. Once seems a coincidence.. twice makes me wonder. He seemed keen to be picked up and brought inside.

For the time being he spends the night safe from cats and hedgehogs in five star luxury accommodation, in a large adapted box in the utility room with his favourite foods, some water and a stick which he uses as a perch.

He is now more active and is beginning to show signs of trying to fly. The exercise during the day is making a difference along with food, rest. Today was also a landmark moment as Charlie made his first sounds… two quacks. Hopefully not as sign of a personality disorder but the start of him finding his voice.

David is just finishing a purpose built aviary for him for night time outside against the side of the house. A mini house will all mod cons and plenty of space to move around. We will continue to put him out during the day and minimise our interaction with him in the hopes t as he gains strength, he will find his wings again and head off. If not, we are not going anywhere for the time being and he is welcome to make the garden his home.

A slightly different excursion this week with a feature in The Munster Express Bookshelf which is under the byline of author Mary Crowley, whose books are in the Cafe and I can recommend both of them. Mary very kindly featured Life is Like a Mosaic this week along with two other authors and as you can imagine, I was delighted.

Time to get on with the posts from the week

As always my thanks to William Price King who will be back from his summer break in a couple of weeks, Debby Gies for her wonderful column on Soul Mates and Danny Kemp with his take on humour.

Chart Hits 1976 – Part One – Barry Manilow, Paul Simon, Queen, Chicago.

D. G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships – August 2021 – Soul Mates

What’s in a Name? – Volume One – Isobel -Hiding in Plain Sight by Sally Cronin

Volume One – Ifan and the Black Sheep by Sally Cronin

#Etheree – Pilgrimage by Sally Cronin

Choka Haiku Primal Fear

Wet food for dog and cat in colored bowl isolated on white background. The Wet food for dog and cat in colored bowl isolated on white background royalty free stock photos

Authors in the Sun – Pedigree Chump by Marilyn Brouwer

New Review – #Western #Romance – Keeper Tyree by S. Cox

Smorgasbord Book Reviews Rewind – #Musicians #Covid – Pause, Play, Repeat:The real impact of Covid-19 on musicians by Sammy Stein Reviewed by William Price King

Smorgasbord Book Reviews Rewind – #Poetry Lockdown Innit by M.J. Mallon

Guest Post – Food Glorious Food and Favourite Aunts by Joy Lennick and Funnies from Eric Lennick

Smorgasbord Coffee Morning – Bring a Guest – John W. Howell and author Gwen M. Plano

chicken sandwich

The digestive system, the Immune System and a Chicken Sandwich by Sally Cronin

Family Health – Dandruff… Snow on the shoulders by Sally Cronin

#Interview D.G. Kaye – Leyla Cardena, #Learning Charli Mills – Norah Colvin, #Guest Allan Hudson-Jane Risdon

Tuesday 17th August 2021 – #Smell by Beth, #VikingBooze Rob Shackleford, #Update Mary Smith

Thursday August 19th 2021 – #Forgiveness Jan Sikes, #Environment #Waste Carol Taylor, #Elephants Patricia Furstenberg

 

#Reviews – #Environment Paul Noel, #Adventure Annika Perry

Learning About Autism: One Mother’s Journey of Discovery and Love: A Charter School, Teaching Methods, & Resources by Karen Ingalls

Smorgasbord Cafe and Bookstore Extra – #Anthology – The Shadows We Breathe (volume 1) Edited by Sarah Brentyn

#Reviews – #Poetry Frank Prem, #Fantasy Vashti Quiroz-Vega, #Memoir J.Q. Rose

#Reviews – #Poetry Bette A. Stevens, #Crimethriller Jaye Marie, #Thriller Mark Bierman

August 17th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Cross Vases and Nuns….

August 19th 2021 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin – Expectations and Chihuahuas..

 

August 20th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Misunderstandings and Alibis

 

Thanks very much for dropping in today and for all your support. I hope you will join me again next week.. thanks Sally

 

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Round Up 21st -27th June 2020 – Josh Groban, Lemon Meringue Pie, #Ireland, Book Reviews, Authors and Humour


Welcome to the weekly round up with posts that you might have missed this week on Smorgasbord.

I hope you are all well as we peel back the layers of re-entry into the world again. Some are getting on better than others, and I can understand why the younger generation wants to dive back into the deep end of the pool.. but I think I will potter around in the shallows for a little while longer.

I am delighted that my hairdresser has finished the re-opening preparations, and they rang without prompting to ask if I needed an appointment.. David has done a great job with his clippers at the back, but the front that I have attended to, looks a little ragged around the edges. You can’t do it when wearing glasses very easily so took those off… not a good move… so it was a bit hit and miss with the scissors and I think I might have accidentally removed half an eyebrow too!.

Anyway…July 7th I will have it all cut back and aim for a quick visit every six weeks… with no magazines, a cup of coffee and no chit chat behind our masks it will not be quite the relaxing treat it used to be. It will be a while before the longer appointments for colour, highlights and extensions are reinstated but thankfully I use a silver rinse once a week at home and I am done…

The weather has been a mixture of very hot days, thundery nights, and now rain for the next five days. At least the lawn and the pot plants appreciate it. I have loved sitting outside with books and music and I am hoping that after this few days summer will return… one can only hope.

In the last couple of weeks I have been a guest on some friend’s blogs and if you have time to pop over and read and share that would be amazing.

Last week I was the guest of Marjorie Mallon as part of her series on poetry and thoughts of writers in isolation. She kindly share a recent poem of mine and my views on our lives going forward, particularly those of the younger children, those waiting for treatment for life threatening diseases and the elderly. Marje will be releasing an anthology of her own stories and poetry as well as her guests thoughts on the pandemic soon.

Photo by Jordan Benton from Pexels

Sally Cronin: Lockdown #Poetry #Thoughts #Isolation #Writers

This week I was the guest of author Darlene Foster whose successful Amanda travel series has introduced children around the world to the joys of discovering new countries and cultures. I shared my experience as a ten year old, of travelling to South Africa and some of the adventures during our two year stay in Cape Town.

Special Guest, Sally Cronin: Travels as a Child

Time to get on with the posts from the week and my thanks to William Price King, Carol Taylor and Debby Gies for their contributions which are always a delight to share and clearly enjoyed. Also thanks to you for dropping by, commenting and sharing; it is much appreciated.

The Music Column with William Price King – Josh Groban – Part One

Carol Taylor – A – Z of Food – ‘L’ is for Lamb, Lavender, Lemon/ Lime Meringue Pie, Liquorice and Liver…

James the Landlord 1939

#Thriller – Five Stars – The Reckoning Squad by S. Burke

#Eagles – The Daredevil by Sally Cronin – Image Tofino Photography

Tales from the Garden Chapter Seven – Little Girl Lost

Chesebro’s weekly Tanka Challenge – #Butterfly Cinquain – Our Legacy

Letters from America 1985-1987 – #Texas weather, Suntans and Trivia Pursuit

#Acidity/Alkalinity pH Balance for Health Part Three and Music Therapy –

Food Therapy – Make the most of Summer – Homemade Fruit Salad and Smoothies

New Author on the Shelves – #RomanticComedy – Cogrill’s Mill by Jack Lindsey

#History – Great Spirit of Yosemite: The Story of Chief Tenaya by Paul Edmondson

#Murder #Mystery – Redlined: A Novel of Boston by Richard W. Wise

#Thriller Mark Bierman, #Mystery #Romance Lizzie Chantree, #Thriller John W. Howell

#Poetry Miriam Hurdle, #Memoir #Humour Andrew Joyce, #Memoir Marian Longenecker Beaman

#Memoir – Twenty Years After “I Do” by D.G. Kaye

#Poetry Frank Prem, #Fantasy Teagan Geneviene, #Humour #Mystery Mae Clair

Meet the Authors – #Mystery Barbara Silkstone, #Mystery Janet Gogerty, #Thriller Eloise De Sousa

#BritishHistory Mike Biles, #Thriller Suzanne Burke, #Doglovers Patty Fletcher

#PsychologicalThriller Lucinda E. Clarke, #Thriller John L. DeBoer, #War #Dogs Patricia Furstenberg

#Scifi #YA Heather Kindt, #Mystery Lizzie Chantree, #Scifi Jack Eason

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June 23rd 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – June 25th 2020 – Hosts Debby Gies and Sally Cronin

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – TGI Friday – host Sally Cronin

Thank you so much for dropping by and I hope you have enjoyed your visit..look forward to seeing you again next week…thanks Sally.