Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Hysterical Historical inaccuracies – and other mistakes..


Last year I shared some schoolboy howlers from a 1988 book compiled by William Cooke.. here is another selection. These are actual answers in school exams.

Here is a selection that might tickle your fancy…or float your boat..

In the classroom

The brain increases in size at puberty to hold emotions.

The cost of living is rising with youngsters having to spend more money on essentials like pop records (nothing new in history).

Veronica was absent with permission because her sister had a baby. Please thank the headmaster very much.

Give one word for ‘a man with two wives’ – A Pigamist!

There is one major sports centre – everything can be done here@ Judo, karate and all other marital arts.

 

Ooh la la

Je suis fiance. C’est la guerre – I am engaged to a gorilla

Saucisses – Saucy girls.

Name a French winter sport – Bog-slaying

The Louvre is a well known night-club.

The French National Anthem is called The Mayonnaise

Music Appreciation

Elvis Presley was a more refined pop star than Bill Haley. Many of the rock stars were idles to the youngsters. Today there are different categories of pop from ‘sole’ to ‘punk’

Wogart’s Ride of the Vivaldis

Major keys sound smooth; minor keys sound bumpy

Handel’s Lager

A Requiem Mass is the end of the world.

 

Literature

As a youth Shakespeare spent a year under Queen Elizabeth.

Q. Who was Juliet’s father.  A. Lord Catapult

Q. Who was Juliet’s mother A. Lady Copulate

In A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Lysander and Demetrius have succumbed to Hernia.

Miracle Plays were performed in the navel.

Anthony and Cleopatra is full of phallic cymbals.

It’s the way you tell ’em

Immigrants often do not bother to learn to speak the English Language let alone wright it.

Grate Britt’n has the best educain cistern in the wold.

If there was no scool rools there would be utercayoss

This is a specticcill not to be mist.

To vote you must be over the age of eighteen and be of fixed mind, meaning that you are not stupid and vote Conservative because it has a nice ring to it.

Q. Briefly describe how to carry out any simple repair A. To mend a puncha stick a plasta on the in a choobe.

Misconceptions.

Sleeping sickness is brought on by the bite of the sexy fly.

The diver knew he had to act quickly when the octopus wrapped its testacles around him.

Weightlessness can be produced by over-dieting.

Some people have extra-sensual perception.

Pollution is caused by cars giving off intoxicating fumes.

An atheist is someone who puts you to sleep before an operation.

Historical inaccuracies. (or should that be hysterical)

After Waterloo Napoleon went to St Helens to dye.

The Black Death was a warning from God and this brought on masochistic activities such as a great wave of flatulence.

Peter the Great westernised Russia by building cinemas and music halls.

During the Crusades, crucifixes were put up along all the main highways of Europe. Someone with a religious burden could merely kneel down to relieve himself.

The Anglo-Saxons weren’t as dumb as many think although most could not read and write, but who needed to when you were raping and pillaging?

King Louis didn’t bother that the peasants were starving – he just stayed in the palace and kept holding his balls.

In Italy Gary Baldy and his Gorillas rode to victory.

Source Howlers by William Cooke and illustrated by Mike Gordon Published 1988 Used copies are available on Ebay and Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Howlers-William-Cooke/dp/0091736951

I do hope that you have enjoyed and are now at piece!

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Exam answers – It’s the Way you Tell’em


I was reading an article the other day which said that exams had been dumbed down and that more and more children were leaving school unable to read and write. I have a book that was bought for me in 1988 – it is called Howlers and it is filled with confirmed answers to exam questions or school exams. Just goes to show that there is nothing new in history. Of course those of us who were educated in the 60s and 70s were much more erudite! N.B my spell checker crashed trying to cope….

Here is a selection that might tickle your fancy…or float your boat..

In the Office

A secretary is often a Director’s private concern.

Previous tempting work is an advantage

The word processor has a ‘cursor’ for when the secretary makes a mistake.

If a partner cannot pay his debts, a court with order a bayleaf to eject him from his house.

Sometimes in an office a person throws a spaniard in the works.

Ooh la la

Je suis fiance. C’est la guerre – I am engaged to a gorilla

Saucisses – Saucy girls.

Name a French winter sport – Bog-slaying

The Louvre is a well known night-club.

The French National Anthem is called The Mayonnaise

Music Appreciation

Elvis Presley was a more refined pop star than Bill Haley. Many of the rock stars were idles to the youngsters. Today there are different categories of pop from ‘sole’ to ‘punk’

Wogan’s Fly of the Vuldukeries

The Dance of the Sugar Prune Fairy

Bikini’s Madame Butterfly,

The baboon is the lowest woodwind instrument.

Crushendo – an orchestra for everyone to join in.

Literature

As a youth Shakespeare spent a year under Queen Elizabeth.

Q. Who was Juliet’s father.  A. Lord Catapult

Q. Who was Juliet’s mother A. Lady Copulate

It is mainly Hamlet’s actions that lead people to believe him mad – appearing and frightening Ophelia in her bedroom with his trousers round his ankles.

Cleopatra killed herself by taking aspic and died in her needle.

Anthony and Cleopatra is full of phallic cymbals.

 

It’s the way you tell ’em

Immigrants often do not bother to learn to speak the English Language let alone wright it.

Grate Britt’n has the best educain cistern in the wold.

If there was no scool rools there would be utercayoss

This is a specticcill not to be mist.

To vote you must be over the age of eighteen and be of fixed mind, meaning that you are not stupid and vote Conservative because it has a nice ring to it.

Q. Briefly describe how to carry out any simple repair A. To mend a puncha stick a plasta on the in a choobe.

Misconceptions.

Sleeping sickness is brought on by the bite of the sexy fly.

The diver knew he had to act quickly when the octopus wrapped its testacles around him.

Weightlessness can be produced by over-dieting.

Some people have extra-sensual perception.

Pollution is caused by cars giving off intoxicating fumes.

An atheist is someone who puts you to sleep before an operation.

Historical inaccuracies.

Edward II was not fit to be a king. Whenever a tournament was going on he and Piers Gaveston would play dice and other games in the stables.

The King met the Barons at Runnymede for the Great Chatter.

The Black Death was a warning from God and this brought on masochistic activities such as a great wave of flatulence.

Henry wanted his marriage to Catherine of Aragon to be declared dull and void.

Drake said that the Armada could wait but his bowels couldn’t

Peter the Great westernised Russia by building cinemas and music halls.

King Louis didn’t bother that the peasants were starving – he just stayed in the palace and kept holding his balls.

In Italy Gary Baldy and his Gorillas rode to victory.

Source Howlers by William Cooke and illustrated by Mike Gordon Published 1988 Used copies are available on Ebay and Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Howlers-William-Cooke/dp/0091736951

I do hope that you have enjoyed and are now at piece!