Welcome to laughter lines. We will be sharing some of our favourites from the archives over the next few weeks. If you have not discovered the non-fiction books by D.G. Kaye: Amazon US – And: Amazon UK Blog: D.G. Writes – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads – Twitter: @pokercubster
Check out Debby’s column here on Smorgasbord D.G. Kaye Explores the Realms of Relationships 2020
Now something from Sally
How do court reporters keep a straight face?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you messing with me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Thanks for joining us today and we hope you are leaving with a smile on your face…Debby and Sally …
Thank you! I especially loved the courtroom humor.
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Good to hear Pamela.. we do like to know they are enjoyed…hugs
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I remember some of those. As good as the first time around! Thanks, ladies!
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Great to hear Olga thank you.. xxx
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So funny!
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Thanks Jennie, delighted to hear..hugsx
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😀
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LOL Sal, attornies going nowhere. Hilarious. ❤ xx
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I so silly and yet believable at the same time lol..♥
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True dat! ❤
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The Attorney/Witness quotes were unreal!
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hilarious… I am sure there are some struck from the court records…x
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I certainly would hope so!
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Hilarious, Sally and Debby
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Thanks Toni…hugs ♥
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Oh my. Thanks for the laughs! I loved the Narnia lion. So cute. And the court recordings were hysterical. I blurted out a laugh at “Oral.” Lol.
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Thanks Diana.. allegedly true…and somehow I can believe it… hugs
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LOL Diana glad you enjoyed ❤
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♥
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❤
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:-)) Thank you for the laughter, just before the day is changing. 😉 Have a nice beginning of Wednesday, Sally and Debby! 🙂
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Thanks Michael.. ending the day with a laugh is always a good thing.. hugsx
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Yeah! You dont know what the next evening will bring. 😉 xx
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Thanks Michael. Happy to entertain 🙂
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Thank you very much, Debby! Always very appreciated. I hope you have a nice week. Best wishes, Michael
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Thank you 🙂
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:-)) I think i have to buy something like Alexa. But honestly, then i will need to have an parrot too. 😉 This maybe could be to much trouble at once. Lol xx
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No Alexa, lol. All your secrets will be revealed 🙂
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lol xx♥
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Well, I was thinking of lending this part to the next visitor. 😉 Lol :-))
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You certainly won’t get much work done Michael..xx
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Lol
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I liked the police recruit one and all the attorney ones. I wonder if the attorneys realize how dumb some of their questions are?
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Not sure they care Jim.. they get paid whatever the result…xx
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that’s true – I guess it’s like many of us. I get paid whether my students pass or not… 🙂
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I have a feeling that you are a lot more invested in your students than some lawyers are in the pay day..x
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Good question Jim 🙂
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🙂
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Excellent, Debby and Sally
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Thank you John.. always happy to hear that..hugsx
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😁
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I look forward to Laughter Lines with my morning coffee. Thank you, Debby and Sally!
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Glad you get your day off to a good start Jacquie…hugsx
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We’re thrilled to hear Jacquie ❤
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The bra in August struck a chord! I hadn’t come across the court ones before and there’s some smashing ones there! Many thanks to you both. xx
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Thanks Alex.. in august here it is not a problem but all clothing needs to be waterproof lol…hugsx
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🤣
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Glad you enjoyed Trish ❤
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Heeeheeehee. Thanks, Ladies. I’m chuckling out loud. 🙂
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We do like to hear that Jan.. thank you.. xxx
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LOVE Betty White!! 🙂 ❤
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A role model to us all thanks Penny..x♥
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