Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra –August 20th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Misunderstandings and Alibis

Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

Confessional

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads…”

Blooming marvelous

A bloke was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands. A fairy godmother asked him what the matter was.

He said, “I loved my pet hamster and it just died ”.

The fairy godmother said, “Well I can’t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation”.

The bloke asked, “How do I do that ?”

The fairy godmother replied, “Go home put the hamster in a pan, and add a bag of sugar. Heat the pan up stirring well, and simmer for an hour. Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden, and see what happens”.

The bloke did exactly as she suggested. The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere! He ran back to the road where he’d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the bloke how he’d got on.

He said, “It’s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!”

The fairy godmother replied, “That’s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam!

Alibi

Little Johnny was wagging school one day.

The school was right next door to Johnny’s house, so the teacher decided to pay a call at lunchtime to check if everything was okay.

Little Johnny’s Grandad was the only adult in the house because Johnny’s parents were away on business.

Grandad sees the teacher coming down the path and shouts to Johnny,

“Quick, Johnny, your teacher is coming down the path, you’d better hide and I’ll tell her you’re not here.”

“No Grandad, you better hide…..
…. because I told her I was going to your funeral ”

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A review for Once I Was A Soldier

billierosie 5.0 out of 5 stars Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp Reviewed in the United Kingdom

Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp is the second in a trilogy that opened with What Happened in Vienna Jack? Once I was a Soldier picks up the narrative some 20 years later. It’s not obvious, at first, because the characters seem new, but if you have read the first book, you will realise, slowly, slowly that you have met these characters before.

This is a thriller of the highest quality. I’ve made the comparison between John le Carre and Daniel Kemp before. Both of these writers have agile, creative minds and both are experts in their chosen fields of espionage and the politics of the era.

The theme of Once I was a Soldier is power. People crave power, even if they already have it, they are greedy and want more. Those in power are afraid of losing it and guard it jealously.

The novel opens with an abuse of power. Melissa Iverson has inherited a vast fortune. Her lawyer reads her the contents of her Father’s Will. Her Father has made provisions for his two elderly, much loved servants, leaving them a house in which to live out their days. But the clause isn’t water tight and Melissa demands that the elderly couple are thrown out of their home immediately. This abuse of power drives the narrative.

This is some of the finest erotica I’ve read. The writer lulls the reader into believing that sex and wealth are so high on the agenda that we are reading a narrative that lures us into the sexually determined world of Jackie Collins, or Shirley Conran.

And neither is this Agatha Christie, there’s no room for Miss Marple here. There is a change of mood and pace that is shocking. We stumble into a gritty, dark world…the characters with whom we thought were safe and dependable are not what they have seemed. Who are their masters? Who truly, ultimately has power? We don’t know and for the most part we never find out, we can only guess. but the final pages bring us back to the narrative…it is shocking, leaving us in no doubt that evil really does exist.

If you like your reading to be challenging, if you like the mystery of where Daniel Kemp is taking you..be warned, Once I was a Soldier is disturbing, but you will enjoy the journey.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally