Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Life Lessons 101 – Boundaries by D.G. Kaye

Welcome back to my Life Lessons 101 series. Today I want to talk about the importance of creating boundaries where necessary. No matter the type of relationship we may share with another, whether family, friends, or colleagues, it’s important to create boundaries where/when necessary to protect against the ones who may not have our best interests at heart, or perhaps, those around us who constantly suck the life out of us. Boundaries are necessary for good mental health and self-preservation.

Being around negativity can become quite a contagious thing. And as much as we’re all subjected to it at some times in our lives, we must learn how to be assertive and create those boundaries when necessary to avoid getting caught up in a tailspin of other people’s dramatics, gossip, or plain, sucking out of our energies. I speak with great experience on the subject.

Dodging the Clouds

Negativity is like a huge umbrella that has the power to swoop us in unwittingly. As I’ve written about in other articles, energy is a real thing and plays a big part in the vibes we give off to others.  We all give off our vibes and energies into the atmosphere, and if we’re in close proximity to someone negative, we can feel the draining vibe it leaves with us. These vibes can come off from a complete stranger as well as from the people we know. Negativity comes in all varieties. Negativity could even come from a constant naysayer in our circles, or from an acquaintance, friend, or family. There are several terms for these types of people who leave us feeling ill at ease when around them. But the bottom line is that they suck our energies and make us feel quite uncomfortable when around them.

We can avoid these people easily if they are not in our usual circles. We can just remove ourselves from their presence. But other times, like when it comes to family, or even some friends, or maybe a colleague, it can be difficult to navigate around these people and their frequent storms. If these people are constantly bringing us down with their moods, demands, or temperaments, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship we have with them and decide how much we’re willing to put up with from these people and set some boundaries.

If someone is always angry, accusing, conniving, inconsiderate, or downright rude, we must take a look at our own self and evaluate whether or not we are going to continue to tolerate the mental abuse, and make a change. Either way, it isn’t easy, but often when it becomes a decision about keeping our own sanity, cords must be severed for self-preservation. I have much experience with this procedure of creating boundaries in my own life. And in all situations, they sadly, involved family.

Knowing Limitations and Creating Boundaries

When my own family became too much for me to endure, I was faced with making such decisions. For much of my life, my mother was the antagonist in my life. But because she was ‘a mother’, I always respected her, took her rantings daily, and I never raised my voice to her. It took all the discipline in the world not to tell her what I really thought, but I didn’t want to hurt her. It didn’t matter that she hurt me so very much through life, I am not a tit for tat person. But through the years – and decades, the proverbial last straw finally hit the camel’s back one day where fifty years of taking her garbage came to a head. The last dagger had finally hit me, and courage was summoned. I’d taken enough abuse. When I received her last harmful barrage of word bullets, the separation was immediate and forever. And there was no going back because there was nowhere to go to but back on the hamster wheel.

Yes. It took me fifty years until I summoned the courage to stand up to her toxic words; but I did it. Setting boundaries is a difficult thing to do, especially if you’re an empath like me who always feels sorry for people. But if we don’t rise up to the occasion, it’s our lives that will constantly feel unsettled around that person until there is resolution, and most often it will come to a defining moment on its own, like the last call I had with my mother. She pushed a button that reached the last ounce of tolerance I had, and fifty year’s worth of hurt spilled out of me. And then I said goodbye and softly hung up the phone.

After losing my husband, I learned all about creating a new set of boundaries. Not only did I lose my other half, the love of my life, my soulmate, it seemed so called ‘family’ didn’t give a care about me, without any concern – or even a phone call of condolence yet to be received by two of my siblings. I am still shocked over this fact.  I suppose the one text they each sent me the day I buried my husband, “Sorry to hear about George” was supposed to mean something. What do I do with that?

Well, I’m not a fighter, but a lover. And because I take pride in my behaviors, I made no fuss over the fact that the siblings I helped look after growing up, had no empathy or concern for me. Strangers treated me better. So I packed my raw hurt within and severed the cords. I had and have no words for them, so I swallowed the hurt and disrespect and made the decision then to cut them out of my life permanently. I didn’t need to call or email/text them to have a battle, to inform them how ignorant they were. They know who they are. They have to live with themselves. There’s nothing to discuss or fight about. They showed me how much I meant to them, and I’m no beggar. I simply removed myself without debate. There was no going back after that kind of hurt and disrespect as a human being, let alone a sister. And I didn’t wait fifty years to do so. I have no remorse although the hurt still smarts.

When family members become toxic to us, we are under no obligation to retain them in our circles – family or not. Mine left me no choice. Surely when a sibling loses the love of their life and they are left like lepers to deal with death, loss, and the aftermath all alone, there is nothing left to say.

~ ~ ~

I shared some of my family ugliness here to demonstrate that sometimes, despite our best attempts, we can reach a crossroads with someone that is beyond mending, especially if their behaviors have been rinse and repeat for most of our lives. I’ve had the same relationship all my life with my mother – not just some good days and some bad days, but sadly, barely any special days I can remember. She was always a thorn in my side. As for my sister and one brother, it was always a one step forward and two back with them. They showed their true colors to me, and I got the message. Time to move forward and not be feeling bad or sorry for my decisions. That’s what boundaries are, invisible fences often necessary to retain sanity.

I’ll end here by adding that no matter the relationship – friend, family, colleague, stranger, nobody should have to endure being treated badly, by ANYONE. If we have friend or family taking advantage of us, our time, our feelings, causing us to feel angry, sad, or inadequate, it’s time to both – re-evaluate our relationship with that person, and most of all, time to re-evaluate our relationship with ourselves. We need to take the time to realize when incidence keeps repeating, being ignored,  or belittled, when we have tolerated enough, discussed our feelings with that person – to no avail, and there is no change or acceptance of fault, self-respect must kick in when we are blatantly shown a relationship that goes round in circles, indicating it’s time to set those boundaries. And sure, it took me fifty years to finally cut the cord with my mother, but after I did, despite the guilt I felt for shutting her out of my life, it was as though a huge weight had lifted from my soul, free from the daily knots in my stomach that would churn every time she’d call. For me, my boundaries with my mother were a gift to my sanity and my health.

I’ll leave you with some wiser words from Maya Angelou:

“When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them The First Time”

I find those to be the truest words. Because words are only words until we see the action. Watching people in action is a good way to get to know them.

Know your boundaries. 😊

©DGKaye2024

About D.G. Kaye

D.G. Kaye is a nonfiction memoir writer who writes about life, matters of the heart and women’s issues. Her intent is to inspire others by sharing stories about events she encountered, and the lessons that came along with them. She loves to laugh and self-medicate with a daily dose of humor. When she’s not writing intimate memoirs, you’ll find her writing with humor in some of her other works and blog posts.

Kaye’s childhood kept her observant about her surroundings. Growing up in a tumultuous family life kept her on guard about the on-and-off-going status of her parents’ relationship. She began writing notes, and journaled about the dysfunction she grew up in. By age seven she was certain she was going to grow up to become a reporter. But life has a funny way of taking detours. Instead, she moved away from home at eighteen with a few meager belongings and a curiosity for life, finished university and changed careers a few times along the way, always striving to work her way up to managerial positions. Her drive to succeed at anything she put her mind to led to having a very colorful and eventful life.

Ever the optimist, D.G. conquered quite a few battles in life; health and otherwise, and her refusal to accept the word ‘No’, or to use the words ‘I can’t’, keeps her on a positive path in life. She hopes to inspire others with her love of telling stories with lessons to empower others, by sharing her own experiences.

In 2021, she lost the love of her life. “When the grief overcame me, I found my only way to move forward was through my writing (that book currently in the works) and communing with others who understand this journey. Through this and my own search for seeking comfort, I began podcasting – Grief, The Real Talk. This is a podcast for those of us who’ve worn the shoes, and for all those who wish to understand the journey of a griever.

Books by D.G. Kaye

One of the reviews for Conflicted Hearts

Lauren Scott 5.0 out of 5 stars An emotional and inspirational manuscript that will both touch and tug at your heart.  Reviewed in the United States

Conflicted Hearts is a compilation of personal essays from D.G. Kaye’s emotional experiences of growing up with her unloving and narcissistic mother. The author struggles with her obligation as a daughter, but also her responsibility to care for herself regarding her own healthy well-being. In each chapter as she opens yet another window giving us a glimpse into her extremely trying times, the emotions become palpable. Because I am a mother of two adult children whom I love to the moon and back, I often felt tears forming and my heart being tugged at in different directions. How a mother can abandon her own children is something I find difficult to understand. The author writes with emotion, vulnerability, and humor. She is not afraid to admit mistakes, but she will also gladly glow in triumph – moments when I felt like clapping, thrilled with the outcome and thrilled for her!

Unfortunately, she lost her childhood because of her mother’s constant absence in the household. Her mother would rather be out partying, seeking the attention of men by using her luminescent beauty, and by doting on her passion for gambling. With the author being the oldest of her siblings, she naturally slid into the role of “mother” which in turn, shaped her decision of possibly not wanting to have children in the future. Her parent’s relationship ran extremely hot and cold, but mostly hot when her mother kicked her father out repeatedly. She adored her father, so each time he left, fear crept into her very soul that she’d never see him again.

The author writes with honesty and when she finds herself acknowledging enlightening realizations, she revels in her own personal growth. I read Conflicted Hearts not only as a memoir, but also as a compelling self-help book. And a difficult decision lies in waiting with each turn of the page exemplifying the author’s incredible courage and strength. I am sure her struggles are felt by others so that her personal growth benefits those who live each day in similar circumstances.

This is the first book of D.G. Kaye’s that I’ve read and because her writing is natural, conversational, and engaging, I am excited to read more from her. This book definitely falls into the “can’t put down” category. If you enjoy reading memoirs and self-help books, I highly recommend Conflicted Hearts. You’ll find yourself on an emotional and inspirational wild ride that will both touch and tug at your heart. An excellent read! 

Read all the reviews and buy the books: Amazon US – and: Amazon UK – follow Debby: Goodreads – Blog: D.G. Kaye Writer – Twitter: @pokercubster – Linkedin: D.G. Kaye – Facebook: D.G. Kaye – Podcast: YouTube –   All Links: Linktree

 

 

My thanks to Debby for another honest and forthright post in her series and it would be great if you could share  thanks Sal