Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.
Parent’s worst nightmare
A father passing by his son’s bedroom noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend SENGA from Glasgow because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Senga. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. Well 45 isn’t old
But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant with twins Senga said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan near the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Senga has opened my eyes to the fact that drink doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be making it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune when the homebrew is ready…..
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Josh
Dad is shaking and sits down…
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Life is Great
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is great.
- Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
- I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
- I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
- Old age is coming at a really bad time.
- When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
- The biggest lie I tell myself is… ” I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it”.
- I don’t have grey hair… I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
- Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
- Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
- Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
- At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
- I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
- Now, I’m wondering… did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Old Rugby Players Never Die.
Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says,
“Joe, we both loved Rugby all our lives, and we played Rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s Rugby there?”
Joe looks up at Mike from his Death Bed,
“Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding Flash of White Light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike — Mike.”
“Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe?” Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replies Joe. “And I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says, “Is that there IS Rugby in Heaven. Better yet, all of our Old Friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play Rugby all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams.
“So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re in the Team for this Saturday.”
My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp
About Daniel Kemp
Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?
In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.
Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.
He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.
A selection of books by Daniel Kemp
A review for Once I Was A Soldier
Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp is the second in a trilogy that opened with What Happened in Vienna Jack? Once I was a Soldier picks up the narrative some 20 years later. It’s not obvious, at first, because the characters seem new, but if you have read the first book, you will realise, slowly, slowly that you have met these characters before.
This is a thriller of the highest quality. I’ve made the comparison between John le Carre and Daniel Kemp before. Both of these writers have agile, creative minds and both are experts in their chosen fields of espionage and the politics of the era.
The theme of Once I was a Soldier is power. People crave power, even if they already have it, they are greedy and want more. Those in power are afraid of losing it and guard it jealously.
The novel opens with an abuse of power. Melissa Iverson has inherited a vast fortune. Her lawyer reads her the contents of her Father’s Will. Her Father has made provisions for his two elderly, much loved servants, leaving them a house in which to live out their days. But the clause isn’t water tight and Melissa demands that the elderly couple are thrown out of their home immediately. This abuse of power drives the narrative.
This is some of the finest erotica I’ve read. The writer lulls the reader into believing that sex and wealth are so high on the agenda that we are reading a narrative that lures us into the sexually determined world of Jackie Collins, or Shirley Conran.
And neither is this Agatha Christie, there’s no room for Miss Marple here. There is a change of mood and pace that is shocking. We stumble into a gritty, dark world…the characters with whom we thought were safe and dependable are not what they have seemed. Who are their masters? Who truly, ultimately has power? We don’t know and for the most part we never find out, we can only guess. but the final pages bring us back to the narrative…it is shocking, leaving us in no doubt that evil really does exist.
If you like your reading to be challenging, if you like the mystery of where Daniel Kemp is taking you..be warned, Once I was a Soldier is disturbing, but you will enjoy the journey.
Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally