Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – September 22nd 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Energy and Candle Power


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

   Words of Wisdom

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

 I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

 I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Candle Power

Mrs Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.

The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye. Aren’t ye Mrs Donovan, And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’

She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’

She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’

The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, so I’ll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.’

She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs Donovan, how are ye these days?’

She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father.’

The Father asked, ‘And tell me, do you have ye any wee ones yet?’

She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father. Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all.’

The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’

She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fekin’ candle.’

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback.…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – May 26th 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Out of the mouths of Babes and Church Notices


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

So, Ronnie and Eric are in their usual haunt having a few refreshments.

Ronnie says to Eric, “I just finished reading a new book entitled “You Can Be the Man of Your House.”

“So, I went into the kitchen and walked directly up to my wife.”

Ronnie continued “Following the book’s advice I pointed a finger in her face and said sternly,

“from now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and that my word is the law!” Undaunted he carried on.

“You will prepare me my favourite meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me my favourite dessert.”

”After dinner, you are going to run me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.”

“After that’s done, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

Eric asks, what did she say to that?”

Ronnie sighs then replies, she stared at me for a moment then said,

“Well Ronnie, the undertaker would be my first guess.”

The expertise of Red Adair (that well-known firefighter) was called upon to put out an oil rig fire.

On his way through his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local hostelry for a pint of the black stuff.

On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. ‘Isn’t that Red Adair’? The other replied, ‘No’.

The old boy then said, ‘I’m sure it is and I’m so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong.’

The doubting one said, ‘Ok,’ and they both went over to Red and the one said, ‘Are ye, Red Adair’? To which Red confirmed he was.

The doubting Irishman said, ‘Are ye still dancing with Ginger Rogers’?

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
————————–
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
————————–
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
————————–
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
————————–
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
————————–
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
————————–
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
————————–
————————–
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
————————–
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
————————–
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
————————-
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
————————–
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
————————-
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
————————–
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
————————–
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
————————–
And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
‘I Upped My Pledge – Up yours

 My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A review for What Happened in Vienna Jack?

Reviewed in the United Kingdom

Truth and lies, lies and truth and which is which? Can the truth be hidden in a lie and a lie be veiled in the truth?Suppose there are secrets too? Just the knowledge that something is hidden, well, reality can become a little blurred and obscure. When Patrick West meets Jack Prior in Daniel Kemp’s “What happened in Vienna Jack?” an investigation into police corruption in Soho leads, indirectly, to what could become a world ending catastrophe.

“What Happened in Vienna Jack?” Is a thriller, a tale of espionage and deceit, a story where a turn of reality can change with the turn of a page. I am constantly amazed by Daniel Kemp’s ability to not only keep control over a vast array of characters but, simultaneously, weave an erudite absorbing narrative that leaves me confounded. It was difficult to harness what I was reading. Daniel Kemp is meticulous in his research and extremely knowledgeable about Europe’s political landscape of 1933-1970.

In November of 1937 a violation, somewhere in Europe and prior to WW2, precipitates the unfolding narrative. Like any violation it is cruel, humiliating…just by reading about it, I felt dirty. The violation involves a prominent Nazi and a member of the British monarchy…see what I mean about secrets? This secret is so controversial (and “controversial” here is a massive understatement) that it is hidden, even to the point of murder, for fear of the secret being divulged. It’s an adroit piece of writing.

When I’ve posted this review I shall be reading “What Happened in Vienna Jack?” again. I think that most lovers of the thriller genre will feel the same. I’m not ready to leave either the characters, or this compulsive, gripping narrative…I’ll linger over every paragraph. And I’m pleased to learn that this book is just part one of a book series. If I haven’t made it clear enough, this book is highly recommended.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback.…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter is the Best Medicine – March 24th 2022 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

And for dessert some snippets and when all hope appears lost….

Both Cream and The Jam were going to reunite for gigs in Devon and Cornwall this year…
But the venues couldn’t agree about who should go on first…

*****

People have always named children after expensive things, Mercedes, Dior, Chardonnay next year watch out for Electric, Gas and Petrol.

*****

I’m currently reading a book called ‘Swimming the English Channel’ by Francis Near

*****

And a follow up to the recent storms in our area

With these high winds, I’m worried about the caravan on my driveway, especially as 10 minutes ago I didn’t have a caravan on my driveway!

GARDEN CLEARANCE SALE

7 Trampolines
21 fence panels (various sizes)
46 roof tiles
Half a shed
4 bbq covers
5 garden chairs
Message me for prices
New stock arriving every 5 mins

EDIT… only 4 trampolines, 3 have moved on

When all hope appears lost

An elderly couple were flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,” she says.

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”

The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

 My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A review for What Happened in Vienna Jack?

Reviewed in the United Kingdom

Truth and lies, lies and truth and which is which? Can the truth be hidden in a lie and a lie be veiled in the truth?Suppose there are secrets too? Just the knowledge that something is hidden, well, reality can become a little blurred and obscure. When Patrick West meets Jack Prior in Daniel Kemp’s “What happened in Vienna Jack?” an investigation into police corruption in Soho leads, indirectly, to what could become a world ending catastrophe.

“What Happened in Vienna Jack?” Is a thriller, a tale of espionage and deceit, a story where a turn of reality can change with the turn of a page. I am constantly amazed by Daniel Kemp’s ability to not only keep control over a vast array of characters but, simultaneously, weave an erudite absorbing narrative that leaves me confounded. It was difficult to harness what I was reading. Daniel Kemp is meticulous in his research and extremely knowledgeable about Europe’s political landscape of 1933-1970.

In November of 1937 a violation, somewhere in Europe and prior to WW2, precipitates the unfolding narrative. Like any violation it is cruel, humiliating…just by reading about it, I felt dirty. The violation involves a prominent Nazi and a member of the British monarchy…see what I mean about secrets? This secret is so controversial (and “controversial” here is a massive understatement) that it is hidden, even to the point of murder, for fear of the secret being divulged. It’s an adroit piece of writing.

When I’ve posted this review I shall be reading “What Happened in Vienna Jack?” again. I think that most lovers of the thriller genre will feel the same. I’m not ready to leave either the characters, or this compulsive, gripping narrative…I’ll linger over every paragraph. And I’m pleased to learn that this book is just part one of a book series. If I haven’t made it clear enough, this book is highly recommended.  

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback.…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – October 28th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Infringement and Cake Mix


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be called a woman.

He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.’

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.

She will praise you !

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’

Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’

‘An arm and a leg,’ was the reply.

So Adam asked, ‘what can I get for a rib?’

Of course, the rest is history….. ! !

Hat Trick..

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down in shock when he saw him.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to attend Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I gotta be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had one just like it, and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take his hat off during Mass, and I figured he would leave it on a hook at the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye, the priest said, “So, after I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?”

Murphy shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

On the subject of sparce accommodation

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.

The Priest said, ‘Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. ‘

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, ‘Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.’

Sister Mary Katherine said, ‘Hard bed.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ the Priest said, ‘We will get you a better bed.’

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. ‘You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.’

‘Cold food,’ said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. ‘You may say two words today.’

‘I quit,’ said Sister Mary Katherine.

‘It’s probably best,’ said the Priest, ‘You’ve done nothing but moan since you got here.’

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A review for Once I Was A Soldier

billierosie 5.0 out of 5 stars Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp Reviewed in the United Kingdom

Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp is the second in a trilogy that opened with What Happened in Vienna Jack? Once I was a Soldier picks up the narrative some 20 years later. It’s not obvious, at first, because the characters seem new, but if you have read the first book, you will realise, slowly, slowly that you have met these characters before.

This is a thriller of the highest quality. I’ve made the comparison between John le Carre and Daniel Kemp before. Both of these writers have agile, creative minds and both are experts in their chosen fields of espionage and the politics of the era.

The theme of Once I was a Soldier is power. People crave power, even if they already have it, they are greedy and want more. Those in power are afraid of losing it and guard it jealously.

The novel opens with an abuse of power. Melissa Iverson has inherited a vast fortune. Her lawyer reads her the contents of her Father’s Will. Her Father has made provisions for his two elderly, much loved servants, leaving them a house in which to live out their days. But the clause isn’t water tight and Melissa demands that the elderly couple are thrown out of their home immediately. This abuse of power drives the narrative.

This is some of the finest erotica I’ve read. The writer lulls the reader into believing that sex and wealth are so high on the agenda that we are reading a narrative that lures us into the sexually determined world of Jackie Collins, or Shirley Conran.

And neither is this Agatha Christie, there’s no room for Miss Marple here. There is a change of mood and pace that is shocking. We stumble into a gritty, dark world…the characters with whom we thought were safe and dependable are not what they have seemed. Who are their masters? Who truly, ultimately has power? We don’t know and for the most part we never find out, we can only guess. but the final pages bring us back to the narrative…it is shocking, leaving us in no doubt that evil really does exist.

If you like your reading to be challenging, if you like the mystery of where Daniel Kemp is taking you..be warned, Once I was a Soldier is disturbing, but you will enjoy the journey.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – September 17th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – #Eyesight and Old Rugby Players


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

Parent’s worst nightmare

A father passing by his son’s bedroom noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend SENGA from Glasgow because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Senga. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. Well 45 isn’t old

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant with twins Senga said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan near the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Senga has opened my eyes to the fact that drink doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be making it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune when the homebrew is ready…..

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Josh

Dad is shaking and sits down…

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Life is Great

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is great.

  • Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
  • I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
  • I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
  • Old age is coming at a really bad time.
  • When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
  • The biggest lie I tell myself is… ” I don’t have to write that down, I’ll remember it”.
  • I don’t have grey hair… I have “wisdom highlights”! I’m just very wise.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
  • Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
  • Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
  • Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
  • At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
  • I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
  • Now, I’m wondering… did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

Old Rugby Players Never Die.

Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved Rugby all our lives, and we played Rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s Rugby there?”

Joe looks up at Mike from his Death Bed,

“Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.”

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding Flash of White Light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike — Mike.”

“Who is it?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”

“Joe?” Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replies Joe. “And I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says, “Is that there IS Rugby in Heaven. Better yet, all of our Old Friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play Rugby all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams.

“So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re in the Team for this Saturday.”

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A review for Once I Was A Soldier

billierosie 5.0 out of 5 stars Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp Reviewed in the United Kingdom

Once I was a Soldier by Daniel Kemp is the second in a trilogy that opened with What Happened in Vienna Jack? Once I was a Soldier picks up the narrative some 20 years later. It’s not obvious, at first, because the characters seem new, but if you have read the first book, you will realise, slowly, slowly that you have met these characters before.

This is a thriller of the highest quality. I’ve made the comparison between John le Carre and Daniel Kemp before. Both of these writers have agile, creative minds and both are experts in their chosen fields of espionage and the politics of the era.

The theme of Once I was a Soldier is power. People crave power, even if they already have it, they are greedy and want more. Those in power are afraid of losing it and guard it jealously.

The novel opens with an abuse of power. Melissa Iverson has inherited a vast fortune. Her lawyer reads her the contents of her Father’s Will. Her Father has made provisions for his two elderly, much loved servants, leaving them a house in which to live out their days. But the clause isn’t water tight and Melissa demands that the elderly couple are thrown out of their home immediately. This abuse of power drives the narrative.

This is some of the finest erotica I’ve read. The writer lulls the reader into believing that sex and wealth are so high on the agenda that we are reading a narrative that lures us into the sexually determined world of Jackie Collins, or Shirley Conran.

And neither is this Agatha Christie, there’s no room for Miss Marple here. There is a change of mood and pace that is shocking. We stumble into a gritty, dark world…the characters with whom we thought were safe and dependable are not what they have seemed. Who are their masters? Who truly, ultimately has power? We don’t know and for the most part we never find out, we can only guess. but the final pages bring us back to the narrative…it is shocking, leaving us in no doubt that evil really does exist.

If you like your reading to be challenging, if you like the mystery of where Daniel Kemp is taking you..be warned, Once I was a Soldier is disturbing, but you will enjoy the journey.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Cafe and Bookstore – Meet the Authors – #Thriller Daniel Kemp, #Scifi Thorne Moore, #Memoir #Africa Ann Patras


Over the summer I will be updating author’s details in the Cafe and Bookstore and also sharing their bios, books and recent reviews with you in this series…

Meet Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

Daniel is also our resident comedian every other Friday on Open Mic Night where he shares his wonderful funnies.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

A recent review for The Story That Had no Beginning

Feb 23, 2021 Roberta Cheadle rated it five stars

This book is an interesting and complex story about twins, Tom and Alice Collins, who enter the foster care system at a young age and are raised separately. The book starts with Alicia Collinson, aka Alice Collins, and her sophisticated boyfriend hosting two friends for a dinner party. Unknow to the dinner participants, the ghost of her brother Tom, known as Bobby Brown among his peer group, is also in attendance. It is obvious from the start that Alicia is a woman of good financial circumstances who mingles with the elite of London’s society. It also becomes evident quite early on, that Tom’s life has followed a very divergent path and he was a member of the mafia-styled criminal class.

The book follows the paths of the twins and how they come to end up in their different circumstances and lifestyles. Alicia is a well-know and talented photographer who owns her own home in London and has plenty of money. Tom has money, albeit ill gotten, but he dies the death of a criminal.

Tom is a conflicting character as he is a man involved in high class prostitution and other shady and illegal dealings. Despite being a seasoned criminal, his narration of the story reveals a different side to his character. One that questions the life he lived and celebrates the good fortune and success achieved by his sister.

Alice or Alicia has the great good luck to become the protegee of a wealthy single woman with no children who effectively adopts her and sets her on the road to success in her chosen field of photography. Unknown to the naïve Alicia, her benefactor isn’t everything she appears to be and some of the people she socialises with are infamous for their continuous promiscuous behaviour with the same, or the opposite, sex. In a contrast to her brother, Tom, who is in the centre of the debaucherous lifestyles led by the wealthy upper classes of London, Alicia hovers around the edges, not realising what is right in front of her.

The author has an in-depth knowledge of the illicit behaviour of the British upper class and paints a detailed picture of how greed, selfishness and a complete disregard for the values and ethics of society lead to the downfall of people.

This book will make you question what success is all about and whether it leads to contentment as the stories of the many characters unfold. This is thought provoking tale as despite the huge difference in the siblings financial and social positions, both of them end up with money but neither of them have good reliable partners or simply and happy lives.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website:Author Danny Kemp – Facebook:Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Meet Thorne Moore

Thorne Moore grew up in Luton and studied history at Aberystwyth. Nine years later, after a spell working in a library, she returned to Wales, to north Pembrokeshire, to run a restaurant with her sister, and a craft business making miniature furniture. She took a law degree through the Open University, and occasionally taught genealogy, but these days, she writes, as she had always intended, after retiring from 40 years of craft work. She has had four novels published by Honno and two by Lume, all psychological crime mysteries and three of them historical and she is now writing science fiction.

Books by Thorne Moore

One of the recent reviews of Inside Out

katemaccormack 5.0 out of 5 stars Intriguing and compelling  Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 27 June 2021

Inside Out appears to mark a change in genre from Thorne Moore’s existing body of work but in fact it has far more in common with her previous novels than it has differences. It shares with them a high quality of writing, acutely observed settings, intriguing characters, twisting plot, varying time periods and dry wit. The only real difference is that is not on the same planet. Or indeed, for most of the novel, on any planet.

Thorne Moore has said herself that whatever the setting, she is always writing about what people might do when pushed to their limits, and Inside Out is certainly no exception to that. A group of disparate travellers are aboard a spaceship, ostensibly the space-age equivalent of a cruise liner, on their way to Triton. None of them is particularly sympathetic, they all have mysterious pasts and fairly obscure presents, but by the end of the story we know them and their motivations so well we are rooting for them all. The sense of hope and redemption at the end of the novel is hugely satisfying, and the exciting last few chapters worthy of any blockbuster sci-fi movie. Highly recommended. 

Read the reviews and buy the booksAmazon UK – Amazon US
UniversalGoodreadsWebsite/BlogThorne MooreFacebookThorne Moore Novelist – Twitter@ThorneMoore

Meet Ann Patras

Ann Patras was born in Burton upon Trent, England quite a while ago.

In 1971 she emigrated to Canada for a year before returning to the UK where, in 1974, she married her boyfriend of five years. In 1980 she and her husband Ziggy rounded up their three small children and headed for Zambia, initially on a 2 year contract. They finally left Zambia in 1989, moving down to South Africa where they lived for 22 years.

Career-wise Ann commenced work as a legal secretary, changing tack to Administration in the brewing industry after she got married. After moving to Zambia and not officially being permitted to work, her time was occupied by voluntary posts with various social or sports organisations. In South Africa work ranged from the shipping industry, to dressmaker and finally as Administration Manager of the Watercolour Society of SA. In her spare time she spent several years as a Police Reservist, chiefly in the Mounted Unit in the northern suburbs of Johannesburg.

Always a keen letter writer, Ann entertained numerous family members and friends with tales of their various adventures, calamities and just plain silly activities over the years. She was constantly nagged by them to “write a book about it!”.

Buying her first PC in 1987 for the sole purpose of writing the book, Ann got through many PCs before ‘Into Africa: with 3 Kids, 13 Crates and a Husband’ was published in 2014. As this only covers their very first year of life in Zambia. Her second book, ‘More Into Africa: with 3 kids, some dogs and a husband’ was released in 2016. The final book in this Zambia Trilogy, ‘Much More Into Africa with kids, dogs, horses and a husband’ was released in January 2020.

Ann and her husband now live in Spain, where she has still more to write about their lives in Africa.

Books by Ann Patras

One of the recent reviews for Much More Into Africa

Vonda Wielsma 5.0 out of 5 stars Much More Entertainment  Reviewed in the United States on April 5, 2021

I highly recommend Ann’s books to anyone who enjoys amusing antics and stories told in an entertaining manner about living in another country with young children. I couldn’t wait for this book to be available and was not disappointed. I love the stories as well as her way of sharing what she was thinking at the time.  

Read the reviews and buy Ann’s books: Amazon UK – And:Amazon US – Follow Ann:Goodreads – Website: Ann Patras Author – Facebook: Ann Patras Author

 

Thanks for dropping in today and I hope you are leaving with some books thanks Sally.

 

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – June 11th 2021 – Anniversary Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Carbolic Soap and It could be worse


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad. –

It is a year since Danny began to entertain us and here are some reminders of that year and a couple of great jokes that he has shared recently..

And to finish up…one of Danny’s finest….

There was an old country sheriff who always said, “It could have been worse.”
No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: “It could have been worse.”

…One day, two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse.

When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.

When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

“No doubt about it,” one deputy said to the other. “This was a double murder and suicide.

This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”

“You’re right,” the other deputy replied. “Double murder and suicide. But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say ‘it could have been worse.”

“No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn’t be worse. You’re on.”

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene.

He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies.

He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.

“No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide.

This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. “But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse?!?”

“Yes it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!”

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

One of the reviews for A Desolate Garden

D. W. Peach 5.0 out of 5 stars Impressive writing Reviewed in the United States on

This is a well-written but exceedingly complex book. Set in the world of espionage, international intrigue, and political manipulations, it follows an investigation by Harry Patterson into the murders of his father and brother. Judith Meadows has been assigned to aid him, and the two of them make quite a pair. Their testy relationship adds some flavor to an otherwise cerebral read.

What do I mean by that? Between sections of expertly written dialog, the book is expository, relaying multiple family histories and the political machinations of individuals and countries on the world stage, primarily the espionage between England and the Soviet Union.

The research is impressive. I can’t say that enough. So is the tangled plot and eventual reveal. There are a lot of secrets. There are also a lot of characters, and it’s important to keep them straight. Pay attention as it’s easy to get lost.

For readers interested in fast-paced James Bond- style action, this book may not be for you since there is no action at all. For readers who love realistic espionage, historical fiction, or a deep dive into 20th-century English-Soviet behind-the-scenes manipulations, this book may be the perfect read.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – March 19th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Marriage Alphabet and Anesthesiology


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

A TV detector van pulls up in a street. A man gets out and goes and knocks on one of the doors.

A woman answered the door.

The man said–I’m from the tv licencing department I would like to see your licence.

The woman said–I’m just leaving for work, can you come back at 4 o’clock when my husband will be in. Tell him the licence is on the mantelpiece in the kitchen behind the clock.

The man said —ok I’ve got a few calls to make.

At 4 o’clock the tv man knocks on the door.

The husband opens the door and the man said—-I’m from the tv licencing department, I’ve come to check out your tv licence.

The husband said—I’m not sure where it is.

The tv man said—it’s on the mantelpiece in the kitchen behind the clock.

The husband comes back two minutes later and said—that’s some bloomin’ detection van you got out there..

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point tells the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want or even beat me up. But please untie the rope and let her go.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “Not particularly, but she will be home shortly….”

Eat whatever you like because

The inventor of the treadmill had died at the age of 54

The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57

The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41

The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60

And then..

KFC inventor dies at 94

The inventor of the Nutella brand died at the age of 88

Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102

The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake

Hennessy inventor dies at 98

The inventors of Afghani food( Qabeli, Manto and Chapli Kebab) are still alive.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping but it lives for 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives 400 years.

So,  Take rest,  Chill,  Stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy life…

 

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

One of the recent reviews for The Story That Had No Beginning

Feb 23, 2021 Roberta Cheadle rated it five stars

This book is an interesting and complex story about twins, Tom and Alice Collins, who enter the foster care system at a young age and are raised separately. The book starts with Alicia Collinson, aka Alice Collins, and her sophisticated boyfriend hosting two friends for a dinner party. Unknow to the dinner participants, the ghost of her brother Tom, known as Bobby Brown among his peer group, is also in attendance. It is obvious from the start that Alicia is a woman of good financial circumstances who mingles with the elite of London’s society. It also becomes evident quite early on, that Tom’s life has followed a very divergent path and he was a member of the mafia-styled criminal class.

The book follows the paths of the twins and how they come to end up in their different circumstances and lifestyles. Alicia is a well-know and talented photographer who owns her own home in London and has plenty of money. Tom has money, albeit ill gotten, but he dies the death of a criminal.

Tom is a conflicting character as he is a man involved in high class prostitution and other shady and illegal dealings. Despite being a seasoned criminal, his narration of the story reveals a different side to his character. One that questions the life he lived and celebrates the good fortune and success achieved by his sister.

Alice or Alicia has the great good luck to become the protegee of a wealthy single woman with no children who effectively adopts her and sets her on the road to success in her chosen field of photography. Unknown to the naïve Alicia, her benefactor isn’t everything she appears to be and some of the people she socialises with are infamous for their continuous promiscuous behaviour with the same, or the opposite, sex. In a contrast to her brother, Tom, who is in the centre of the debaucherous lifestyles led by the wealthy upper classes of London, Alicia hovers around the edges, not realising what is right in front of her.

The author has an in-depth knowledge of the illicit behaviour of the British upper class and paints a detailed picture of how greed, selfishness and a complete disregard for the values and ethics of society lead to the downfall of people.

This book will make you question what success is all about and whether it leads to contentment as the stories of the many characters unfold. This is thought provoking tale as despite the huge difference in the siblings financial and social positions, both of them end up with money but neither of them have good reliable partners or simply and happy lives.

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

 

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – March 5th 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

Priorities

Morag is standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn’t blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approaches her and says, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes I know” replies Morag, “but I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam continues the gent. You are actually exposing your private area!”

Morag looks down at her dress billowing in the wind and replies, “Son, anything you see down there is 85 years old.“

”However, I just bought this hat for the cruise yesterday!”

Have you had the Jab – Urgent Notice

This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group.

A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or be hospitalised.

He was asked to go back to the vaccination centre immediately
…………….as he had left his glasses behind

The Prison Sentence

A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.

As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: “Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger?”

And the husband replies: “Well, my love, what are you going to do?”

“Oh, Roger …! I spoke to the judge handling your case,”

“And what did he say, my love?”

“He told me that for every time I make love with him, he will reduce your prison sentence by one year …”

“What !!! What a miserable bastard and what did you say to that son of a bitch?”

“Oh, Roger! We’ll talk about it at home, get your stuff and let’s go.”

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

Thanks for visiting and I know Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines Extra – January 22nd 2021 – Another Open Mic Night with author Daniel Kemp – Selfies and Jigsaws


Author Daniel Kemp entertains us again with his funnies from: Danny Kemp  .. Always a place to find funnies and jokes to cheer you up… plus some satirical political commentary on politicians at home and abroad.

The vaccine jokes have already started

Just read that there’s a guy down Wellesbourne Market selling Oxford vaccinations for £2 each… or 3 for a Pfizer.

“You have no idea what’s in that vaccine” said the lady buying 40 burgers for £4 in Farmfoods

If you ever find a magic lamp don’t make the same mistake as me. I found one and the genie offered me one wish. I am not materialistic so I said I just want to be happy…I am now working in a mine and living in a house with six other dwarfs!.

My mate told me that he’s just bought a mobile phone from the local vicar. I said, “have you got it on contract?”. He said, “no…..”

“……it’s Pray as you Go”

And finally…

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbour asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The little silver-haired lady says, “according to the picture on the
box, it’s a rooster.”

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says—

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax.

Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh

“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”

My thanks to Danny for allowing me to raid his Facebook: Danny Kemp

About Daniel Kemp

Daniel Kemp, ex-London police officer, mini-cab business owner, pub tenant and licensed London taxi driver never planned to be a writer, but after his first novel –The Desolate Garden — was under a paid option to become a $30 million film for five years until distribution became an insurmountable problem for the production company what else could he do?

In May 2018 his book What Happened In Vienna, Jack? became a number one bestseller on four separate Amazon sites: America, UK, Canada, and Australia.

Although it’s true to say that he mainly concentrates on what he knows best; murders laced by the mystery involving spies, his diverse experience of life shows in the short stories he writes, namely: Why? A Complicated Love, and the intriguing story titled The Story That Had No Beginning.

He is the recipient of rave reviews from a prestigious Manhattan publication, been described as –the new Graham Green — by a managerial employee of Waterstones Books, for whom he did a countrywide tour of signing events, and he has appeared on ‘live’ television in the UK.

A selection of books by Daniel Kemp

Read the reviews and buy the books also in audio: Amazon UK – And : Amazon US – follow Daniel: Goodreads – Website: Author Danny Kemp – Facebook: Books by Daniel – Twitter:@danielkemp6

 

Thanks for visiting and I know  Danny would love your feedback..Have a good weekend…Sally