Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Marriage, Butlers, Hygiene and Watches!


Husbands

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.

and many a true word……..

Usually the husband regards himself as the head of the household, and the pedestrian knows he has the right of way. Both of them are safe until they try to prove it!

Hygiene

Food Handling….

When Dave asked for two pies and some doughnuts at his local takeaway he was impressed to see the server using tongs to place the items into a paper bag.

‘Indeed sir,’ said the server in response to Dave’s comments, ‘we are very clean here. Always use tongs, No hands ever touch the food.’

As Dave turned to leave he noticed a piece of string hanging from the server’s fly and asked its purpose.

‘All part of the hygiene programme,’ said the server. ‘When I visit the bathroom I use the string to pull it out so it is not touched by human hand.’ Dave was impressed but still slightly concerned.

‘How do you get it back in?’

‘With the tongs sir.’

Personally this is the only way to use a tong!

Inventors.

An innovative young scientist at the sperm bank has packaged their product in an aerosol can and it is sold as Heir Spray.

And much earlier…..

It is a little known fact that the first timepiece was invented by soldiers fighting for Alexander the Great.  He and his army were out colonising the world and at this particular time they were fighting the Persians, day in and day out.

His soldiers were sick and tired and angry. They formed a union and a delegation confronted Alexander with a demand for an eight hour day.

To be fair he saw the point but since the Swiss had not yet invented the clock he had to get creative.. So he suggested that they tied a rag around their wrists and battled the enemy until the rag got damp with sweat when they could knock off.

That first time piece was known as Alexander’s Rag Time Band!

Butlers.

The Lady of the Manor was becoming irritated at Jeeve’s habit of walking into her bedroom without knocking. She took him to task.

‘It would be very embarrassing if I were in a state of undress,’ she pointed out.

‘No need to worry about that, m’Lady,’ he said. ‘I always peek through the keyhole first.’

A few days later….

This was not the last time that her Ladyship had call to have words with her butler. A few days later she called him to her bedroom.

‘Jeeves, please unzip my dress.’ Clearly embarrassed he did so.

‘Now, take off my stockings.’ Jeeves was now visibly perspiring.

‘And now take off my underwear… And if I every catch you wearing my clothes again I will immediately dismiss you!’

Thank you for dropping in today and hope you have enjoyed.. thanks Sally.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Sally’s Book Reviews – Twenty Years After ‘I Do’ by D.G. Kaye


smorgasbord book reviews

If you are a frequent visitor to the blog you will have seen D.G. Kaye… Debby Gies here many times as a contributor, commenter and supporter. It is no secret that we are friends. This however, does not influence my views on her books, and this applies to her most recent release. Twenty Years: After “I Do” : Reflections on Love and Changes Through Aging.

 

About Twenty Years: After “I Do”.

May/December memoirs.

In this personal accounting, D.G. Kaye shares the insights and wisdom she has accrued through twenty years of keeping her marriage strong and thriving despite the everyday changes and challenges of aging. Kaye reveals how a little creative planning, acceptance, and unconditional love can create a bond no obstacle will break. Kaye’s stories are informative, inspiring, and a testament to love eclipsing all when two people understand, respect, and honor their vows. She adds that a daily sprinkling of laughter is a staple in nourishing a healthy marriage.

Twenty years began with a promise. As Kaye recounts what transpired within that time, she shows that true love has no limits, even when one spouse ages ahead of the other.

My review for Twenty Years After “I Do”

The emphasis on partnership is present throughout D.G. Kaye’s story of her 20 year marriage to Gordon. Whilst it is clear, that theirs was a wonderful love affair from the beginning, she does not flinch from describing the various aspects of their relationship in a very forthright and honest way.

Their relationship is a May/September love affair that was put to the test from very shortly after their marriage. Despite the nearly 20 years age difference, it was Kaye who suffered a near fatal medical emergency, which brought home the fact, it is not necessarily the older partner, who will be the first to suffer ill health.

The book does highlight that in a relationship where there is a significant age difference, issues arise that might not for a couple the same age. Having children for example, or the dynamics in a relationship after retirement  and natural aging; reversing the traditional roles, as one becomes more dependent on the other.

D.G. Kaye allows us an intimate view into her marriage, encouraging us to look at our own relationships, appreciate how they have triumphed over challenges over the years, and to celebrate the love that endures.

I certainly recommend the book for those who are about to embark on a relationship, whatever the age difference. In this modern day and age, when the pressures on couples and families are ever present, it is very useful to be offered the experience and guidance from someone who has successfully navigated their way through those same obstacles.

Read the other reviews and buy the book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077V386TL

and Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B077V386TL

Other books by D.G. Kaye

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Read all the reviews and buy the books: http://www.amazon.com/author/dgkaye7

and Amazon UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/D.G.-Kaye/e/B00HE028FO

More reviews and follow Debby on Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/dgkaye

About D.G. Kaye

Debby Gies is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author who writes under the pen name of D.G. Kaye. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and she shares the lessons taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome challenges in her life, and finding the upside from those situations, while practicing gratitude for all the positives.

When Kaye isn’t writing intimate memoirs, she brings her natural sense of humor into her other works. She loves to laugh and self- medicate with a daily dose of humor.
I love to tell stories that have lessons in them, and hope to empower others by sharing my own experiences. I write raw and honest about my own experiences, hoping through my writing, that others can relate and find that there is always a choice to move from a negative space, and look for the positive.

Quotes:
“Live Laugh Love . . . And Don’t Forget to Breathe!”

                 “For every kindness, there should be kindness in return. Wouldn’t that just make the world right?”

When I’m not writing, I’m reading or quite possibly looking after some mundane thing in life. It’s also possible I may be on a secret getaway trip, as that is my passion—traveling.

Connect to Debby Gies

Blog: http://www.dgkayewriter.com
About me: http://www.wiseintro.co/dgkaye7
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/@pokercubster (yes there’s a story)
Linkedin: http://www.linkedin.com/in/dgkaye7
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/dgkaye
Google: http://www.google.com/+DebbyDGKayeGies
Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/dgkaye
Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/dgkaye7

Thank you for dropping in today and as always your feedback is gratefully received.. thanks Sally

Time for some Laffs – Love makes the world go around and so does laughter


Love is universal but since time began the institution of marriage has provided comic relief….Here are few snippets on the subject.

Did you hear about the actor who got to play a man who’s been married for twenty years. Next time he hopes to get a speaking part!

☺☺☺

Two men are discussing what their wives think about them. The first man says. ‘My wife thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house.’

The second man says. ‘That’s nothing; my wife thinks I’m a God.’

‘She thinks you’re a god?’ replies the first man.’ What makes you say that?’

‘It’s obvious. Every night when I get home she places a burnt offering in front of me!’

☺☺☺

A very wealthy but miserly businessman died in an accident and when the lawyer read out the will his wife was astonished to discover that he insisted on all his money being buried with him.

On the day of the funeral as the family and friends gathered to pay their respects one of the wife’s friends stood with her arm about her.

“I understand that he wanted to be buried with all his money, how did you get it all in the coffin with him?”

The wife smiled sweetly.. “I gave him a cheque”

☺☺☺

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!”

☺☺☺

A woman is showing off a huge diamond on her finger to her friends. ‘This is the Klopman diamond, worth millions,’ she tells them, ‘but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.’

‘What is the curse? ask her friends breathlessly.   ‘Mr. Klopman.’

☺☺☺

A police officer flags down an elderly driver and says, ‘Excuse me sir, didn’t you realise your wife fell out of the car three miles back?’

‘Thank God,’ the old man replies, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

☺☺☺

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

☺☺☺

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?” The husband said, “No sweetie.” The woman said, “I’m sure you would.” So the man said, “Okay, I would” Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.” Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

☺☺☺

Want to hear an interesting story? Send a message to your wife:
“I know everything, how could you?”.

Smorgasbord Laughter Academy – Be careful what you wish for!


 

drivingVery Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are very excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. They go in, and Jacob addresses the pharmacist behind the counter:
“Are you the owner?”
“Yes.”
“We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
“Of course, we do.”
“How about medicine for circulation?”
“All kinds.”
“Medicine for rheumatism?”
“Definitely.”
“How about suppositories?”
“You bet!”
“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Alzheimer’s?”
“Yes, a large variety. The works.”
“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
“Absolutely.”
“Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
“We sure do.”
“You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
“All speeds and sizes.”
“Adult diapers?”
“Sure.”
“Then we’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

Be Careful What You Vote For . . .

While walking down the street one day, a Corrupt Senator is hit by a car and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem; just let me in.”

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really? I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in heaven.”

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil. He really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door opens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

Twenty-four hours passes with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The Senator reflects for a minute then answers.

“Well, I would never have said it before – I mean heaven has been delightful – but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all of his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil grins a sinister grin. “Yesterday, we were campaigning. Today, you voted.”

last-words

A Genie’s magic.

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, “Nope … due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”

The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for … a good mate.”

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that damn map again!’

Be careful what you wish for!

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a Genie materialized.

“I can’t grant your wishes,” explained the freed spirit, “Due to poor connectivity with the seventh dimension. But I’ll give you three off-the-shelf gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.”

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.

“Yes,” she replied. “It’s been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight.”

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Get your money’s worth.

An old man whose wife had recently passed away decided to place an obituary
in the local paper. He went to see the editor and was told it would cost £1 a word.
After turning out the contents of his pocket, the old man found £3 in loose change.
He wrote: “Doris Smith Dead”.

Seeing this, the editor felt so sorry for him he said; “For £3 you can have seven
words.” The old man thanked him and thought for a while.

Then he wrote: “Doris Smith Dead. Ford Focus for Sale”.

I hope this has made you smile.. thanks to Mrs. T. and please feel free to share the funny side of life.. Sally

What’s in a Name short story – ‘E’ For Elaine – Shining Brightly


The Greek and French meaning of the name Elaine is Shining Light or the Bright One.

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Agapanthus, the “Lily of the Nile” is native to South Africa. The variation ‘Elaine’ grows up to 36 inches and has green strap like leaves with dark violet-blue flowers which certainly adds brightness to a garden.

What’s in a name –  ‘E’ for Elaine – Shining Brightly

Elaine lay under the warmth of the duvet and her hand crept across the mattress to touch her husband’s hand. Not enough to wake him but just a gentle touch to remind her of his presence. Jack’s even breathing and gentle snore was comforting and Elaine smiled to herself, savouring the delicious secret that she was desperate to reveal.

She had been saving up the news until today as a gift for Jack’s birthday. They had been married for two years and she knew that his greatest wish was for them to have a baby. His large family had already provided his parents with six grandchildren and whilst he might not talk about his desire for a family; he wanted to hold their child in his arms almost as much as she did. She had remembered the look on his face when she had thought that she might be pregnant but it had turned out to be a false alarm. This is why she had waited until she was absolutely sure; today would be the perfect time to reveal the secret.

Jack stirred beside her she turned her face in anticipation of his usual morning kiss on her brow and lips.

‘Good morning my lovely,’ he gently stroked some stray hairs out of her eyes. ‘How are you today?

Elaine smiled at him lovingly and touched the tip of his beautiful nose. ‘Happy birthday my darling,’ and she leant over to kiss his mouth.

Over breakfast they discussed the final details of the birthday party that afternoon. Jack’s family lived too far away to attend but he had asked one of their neighbours from down the street to join them. Jessica was always in and out and would pop in for coffee most mornings when Jack was at work. Sometimes she would also bring her children in at the weekend and they had a wonderful time playing scrabble and cards.

Elaine had butterflies in her stomach as the urge to blurt out her special secret became too much to bear. It had to be the right moment, when Jack was cutting his birthday cake that Jessica had kindly made for him. She was a much better baker that she was and it looked amazing. Jack had been in the navy when they met and on top of the white and blue cake, a figure in a sailor’s uniform posed with an anchor. Elaine bet the inside of the cake would be delicious and would taste all the better when she announced her news.

After a quick sandwich for lunch and whilst Jack tidied the living room ready for the party, Elaine popped upstairs quietly to their bedroom and sat at the dressing table. She smiled to herself as she viewed her reflection in the mirror. There was no doubt about it; her skin had a definite glow. Artfully she brushed her blonde hair into a smooth bob and applied her makeup carefully. Not too much, but just enough to enhance her youthful beauty. Laid out on the bed were three outfits and Elaine was having problems deciding which to wear. Jack would always laugh about her preparations for an evening out. He knew she would try on all the options a couple of times before making her final choice.

This kept her busy for the next half hour and eventually she headed downstairs in her favourite cream dress with pearls at her neck and in the lobes of her ears. Jack took her hands and stepped back for a better look.

‘You look stunningly beautiful sweetheart,’ he gently straightened the string of pearls around her neck; they had been his wedding present to her.

Elaine almost gave the secret away at that point but held the temptation in check. Her plan was perfect and she must wait a few more hours until his birthday cake was cut.

Jack left her sat in the lounge surrounded by plates of neatly cut sandwiches and a pile of festive napkins. In the corner on a cabinet sat the cake surrounded by the birthday cards that had arrived over the last two or three days.

Just then the doorbell rang and it startled Elaine as the sound intruded into her secret daydreams. She pushed herself out of the chair and headed for the hall. Jack was coming down the stairs and held out his hand to her.

‘Don’t worry love I’ll get it,’ and he opened the door to find their three guests on the doorstep.

In they came, bearing brightly coloured bags of gifts and contributions to the birthday tea. There was much hugging and chatter as overcoats were dispensed with and they all headed into the living room. Jack and Jessica took the food she had brought into the kitchen and put the kettle on. Sophie and Ben, who were in their early teens, entertained Elaine with tales of their antics at school during the week.

The food disappeared rapidly and two pots of tea later it was time to cut the cake. This was Elaine’s moment and she stood up to join Jack at the cabinet as he prepared to slice into the blue and white icing.

‘Darling, I have a very special birthday present for you,’ she held out the envelope that clearly contained rather bulky contents. Jack smiled at her eager face and proceeded to open the envelope carefully. He drew out the birthday card that had a huge heart on the front and carefully opened it to reveal the surprise. In his hand were a pair of knitted baby booties decorated with white satin ribbon.

Tears formed in the corners of his eyes as he pulled Elaine to him. ‘Thank you darling for the best birthday present I have ever received.’ Over her shoulder he smiled at their guests and they nodded and smiled in return.

Jessica’s children helped clear away the plates and carried them into the kitchen whilst their mother sat on the sofa holding Elaine’s hand. ‘That is wonderful news and I am so happy for the both of you.’ she smiled gently at the woman at her side. ‘We can talk about it on Monday when I pop in for coffee and we’ll get the baby knitting patterns out to look at.’

An hour later and Jessica kissed Elaine on the forehead and gently stroked her cheek. She headed off to the hall and gathered up the coats and handed them out to Sophie and Ben. When she reached the front door, she turned once more and gave Jack a warm hug and whispered in his ear. ‘It was a wonderful birthday tea Dad and I will come in as usual on Monday when you go out to do the shopping.’

Jack went back into the lounge and stood for a moment looking at his wife, sitting calmly watching the flames flickering in the fireplace. The outfit that Elaine had finally chosen was her wedding dress, and she looked as radiant today as she had forty years ago. He sat beside her and gently moved some stray silver hairs from her forehead and took her face in his hands. He looked into her sparkling blue eyes that no longer recognised her daughter or grandchildren.

The most precious birthday present he had received today, was that his beautiful Elaine still knew him, and that even in the darkness, her light continued to shine brightly.

 

©sallygeorginacronin What’s in a Name – 2015

Thank you for dropping by and reading Elaine’s story and I would be delighted to receive your feedback.

The other stories in the series can be found in this directory.

https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/whats-in-a-name-short-stories/