Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Christmas fun from guest comedian D.G. Kaye and a festive joke from the archives

Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a festive joke or two…..


Thanks again Debby you are booked for the summer season too..

D. G. Kaye – Buy:
Blog: – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now that joke from the archives….

Besht Cishmash Reshippy.

  • 1 Cup butter
  • 1 Cup Sugar
  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 Cup dried fruit
  • 1 Teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 Teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 Tablespoon Lemon Juice
  • 1 Cup brown sugar
  • 1 Cup nuts
  • 1 or 2 quarts of aged whisky

Before you begin, sample the whisky to check for quality. Good isn’t it?

Select a large mixing bowl and a measuring cup. Check the whisky again as it must be just right. To be absolutely sure, pour a large glass and drink as fast as you can.


With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile at this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixy hasn’t gone bad while you weren’t looking. Open second quart if nestessazy.

Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat until high, If druit gest shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.

Example the whiksty again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gifts a shplit.

Chample the whitchey shum more.

Shitfin shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nusts. Add 100 babblspoons of brown booger or whushever’s closhest and mix well. Greash ubben and turn the caky tin to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole mesh into the washing machine and set on sinch shycle.

Cheque dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.

and last but not least

Please feel free to pass along….thanks Debby and Sally…


Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Time to get the Party Started – Christmas Funnies.

Time to get the Christmas ornaments, decorations, crackers and funnies out and here is something to get you started.

Thanks for dropping in today… Guest Comedian Debby Gies has been scouting out some festive fun and will be here on Thursday. Please feel free to pass along.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Round Up – Christmas book promotions, music, humour and guests.

This week has certainly flown by with a few Mary Poppins moments with umbrellas in the rain and high winds. Just as well I have not got rid of that excess stone I was planning on misplacing before Christmas!

Do not take this as a free pass to do what you like eating wise over the festive season (well okay then . eat what you like)..but I am re-releasing my first book Size Matters in 2019 updated and revised to reflect new research and also my experience in the last 20 years as a nutritional therapist – I am going to do this via the blog by editing and updating each chapter on the blog in the first three months of the year. If you are thinking about getting fitter and eating healthier then you might like to take it one step at a time.

The first part of the book was my journal about how I got to the weight of 330lbs and the second part of the book is the programme that I designed to lose 150lbs. That is the bit that I will be revising and updating.

I have been featuring all the active authors in the Cafe and Bookstore since the middle of November with recent updates or first books in series. I have just scheduled the last one on 17th December… and there will be one more on 18th of December but that one will be my books and I have a couple of e-book giveaways on the day.

I did have an outing this week as the guest of Colleen Chesebro… and we had a lovely conversation about writing from the male perspective and inspirations.. if you have not been a guest of Colleen before.. it is well worth putting yourself forward. A great place to showcase your work and meet new people.

Conversations With Colleen: Meet Author, Sally Cronin

On Thursday the Christmas party season starts with the First Day of Christmas.. If you are still interesting in being a guest there are four spaces left for the 11th and 12th days of Christmas.. Want another chance to promote your books and take part.. here are the details.

I am heading out today with a stand at the local Christmas Fair.. and the first sight of Santa Claus who will be arriving at 4pm. to day courtesy of the Coast Guard and RNLI.. ……….

Time to get on with the posts from the week that you might have missed and as always thank you for popping in and lending your support.  It keeps me motivated.

Paul Andruss has popped in to kick off party week… sharing his emotionally charged story of his most favourite Christmas gift ever….

D.G. Kaye took us to the stunning island of Curacao and shares its history and the best places to stay, eat and swim.

Carol Taylor came back to the food column with a wonderful post this week. A full Vegetarian menu – with starters, mains, sides and desserts.. delicious.

Linda Bethea shares the tale of Willie Tharpe, who invited himself for Christmas, bringing his dogs and thousands of unwanted visitors.

Geoff Le Pard with a special rendition of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas…if this does not get you in the mood for the festive season…. then repeat several times.

It is my 40th and I feel the need for speed…..and the music of M People, guest Annette Rochelle Aben and Elton John.

It is the time of year when coughs are quite common.. but it is important to know the difference between one associated with a common cold and one that has become chronic bronchitis.

It is that time of week when we get our syllables in a row or more in a format requested by Colleen Chesebro Poetry Challenge no. 113 – being the first week of the month we get to choose our own prompts… Frost and Laughter.

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke from Sally’s Archives

Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a joke or two..

Thanks again Debby you are hired…...

D. G. Kaye – Buy:
Blog: – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

Now time for one of the jokes from my archives

Women versus Men . .

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. They were asked the following questions:

1. “How many of you love your husband?”

All of them raised their hands.

2. “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some said today, a few said yesterday, and others couldn’t remember.

They were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husbands: “I love you, sweetheart.”

They were then instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the message each received in response to their message.

Below are the replies. Do your best to keep a straight face! Or not!

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Thanks for joining us today and if you enjoyed yourself, why not spread the laughter around.. thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and another joke from Sally’s archives

Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a quickie or two…..

Thanks again Debby you are hired for the seaon…..

D. G. Kaye – Buy:
Blog: – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And a joke from my archives…especially for those who are scared of flying……

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

  • P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
  • S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
  • P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
  • S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
  • P: Something loose in cockpit.
  • S: Something tightened in cockpit.
  • P: Dead bugs on windshield.
  • S: Live bugs on back-order.
  • P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
  • S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
  • P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
  • S: Evidence removed.
  • P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
  • S: #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
  • P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
  • S: DME volume set to more believable level.
  • P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
  • S: That’s what they’re for
  • P: IFF inoperative.
  • S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
  • P: Suspected crack in windshield.
  • S: Suspect you’re right.
  • P: Number 3 engine missing.
  • S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
  • P: Aircraft handles funny.
  • S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
  • P: Target radar hums.
  • S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyric
  • P: Mouse in cockpit.
  • S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

  • P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
  • S: Took hammer away from midget.


Thank you for dropping in today and if you have enjoyed please pass on the laughter. Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye – Hot Flashes and Chocolate Chip Cookies

Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some funnies to share with you as I focus on getting the Christmas author promotions set up… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog has had you rolling in the aisles the last couple of weeks and today is no exception.. I have thrown in a joke at the end from the archives..

Please send any contributions to the funnies to…

Thanks Debby -keep them coming.

D. G. Kaye – Buy:
Blog: – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

And now for that joke….


An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Get OFF” she said, “they’re for the funeral.

Thanks for dropping in today and hope you are leaving with a smile on your face, even if you didn’t get a chocolate chip cookie either!!! Thanks Sally

Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian’s – The Lords of the Drink

My guests today, The Lords of the Drink have a blog that celebrates drinking… it is a pastime that is enjoyed by billions around the world and has spawned millions of jokes on the subject. I have been known to embibe.. a little less as I have got older and more doddery, but there is nothing more pleasant that joining family and friends and sharing a bottle of wine.

I have also found some funnies in the archives on the subject…

I do appreciate that this is not always the case for some so please remember to drink responsibly.

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints. After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste better if you order just one at a time.”

“Well”, says the man at the bar. “You see I have 2 brothers who I used to drink with, but unfortunately one moved to America and the other one moved to Australia. Now we are on 3 different continents and we hardly ever see each other. So I drink a pint for me and 2 for my brothers. This way we at least try to keep this tradition alive and it feels like we’re still together.”

The bartender agrees that this is a beautiful explanation for his weird behaviour and the man becomes a regular at his bar. The other customers also get used to his ritual of ordering 3 pints and drinking them in turn.

But then one day “Mister 3 Pints” comes in and orders only 2 glasses. The whole pub gets silent and the by the time the man orders a second round of only 2 pints the barkeeper says:

“I’m terribly sorry as I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just wanted to offer my condolances on your loss.”

The man looks puzzled, but then a smile breaks through and he says. “Thanks a lot, but everyone is fine really. It’s just that my wife had us join the Baptist church and I had to give up drinking. But my brothers are still Catholics, so it didn’t affect them.”

As a man is walking down the street he sees an old man sitting on the pavement just outside a pub, a fishing hat decorated with hooks and colorful floats on his hat and a fishing rod in his hand. However there is no river or lake anywhere near and his fishing line ends in a puddle of muddy water on the other side of the street.

“Oh that poor soul”, the man thinks to himself and says: “Hello good man. Why don’t you let me invite you to a drink in that pub over there?” The old man agrees and they sit down for a beer.

Since the situation is pretty awkward the guy who invited the old man doesn’t really know how to break the silence, so he just orders another few rounds of drinks. Finally he has gathered the courage to ask the old man: “And? Are they biting?”

The old man puts on a smile and says he can’t complain. Surprised by this answer his companion asks: “Really? So how many have you caught today?”

The old man takes a large sip from his beer and replies: “Including you? That would be eight I believe.”

A man comes home late at night and he is pretty smashed. His wife who was worried sick asks “Where the hell have you been?”

“The Golden Bar”, the man replies. “It’s an awesome place. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer of course and even a golden urinal.”

The wife is not convinced that her husband is telling the truth, so she looks up the Golden Bar in the phonebook and calls them up.

“Do you really have golden chairs at your bar?”
– Absolutely ma’am.

“And what about golden glasses?”
– Indeed we do.

“And golden beers?”
– Most certainly.

“And even a golden urinal?”
– Hold on a minute ma’am… Johnny, I think I have a lead on the guy who peed in your saxophone.”

A woman wakes up at 4.30 in the night by some stumbling noise downstairs. She tries to wake up her husband, but the other side of the bed is empty. Rather scared she screams: “Who is that in our house?” To her relief it turns out that the cause of the noise is not a burglar, but her husband.

The noise continues for quite some time and the wife shouts: “What the hell are you doing down there?” The husband replies: “Oh nothing to worry about. I’m just trying to get a cask of beer up the stairs.” His wife gets pretty pissed off now and yells: “For the love of God, will you leave that down there.”

“I can’t”, the husband shouts back. “I drunk it.”

About The Lords of the Drinks

They say alcohol is bad. They say it’s harmful. They say you shouldn’t drink much. But we say: First of all alcohol is fun! That’s why we started this weblog in 2012 as a counterweight to all the negative attention alcohol gets in the traditional media.

We are Nikolay Nikolov from Bulgaria and Micky Bumbar from Holland. We met at the American University in the Bulgarian city of Blagoevgrad, obviously since we shared a hobby. Micky snatched the Alcohol Friendly Award (the award for the biggest drunk all through the year) at this university in 2012. A year later Nikolay took this prestigious award home. In all modesty we can say that both victories were deserved. Together we are the Lords of the Drinks, the two main writers of this blog although guest posts are very much apreciated.

On this weblog we bring you personal drinking stories, funny alcohol related facts and news, recipes for hangover cures, drinking games, scientific research on alcohol related matters, recipes for cocktails, drunk jokes, plenty excuses to drink with the party calendar and much more. If you cruise around this website you’ll find a whole different side to drinking than just the bad cases you normally read about in the news. Our motto is and will always be “Izbuhvam“, which is Bulgarian for “I explode”. No matter how dull the occasion, we’ll turn it into an awesome bacchanalia!

Now before we get labeled as alcoholics, we’d like to see ourselves as drunkards. There’s a difference. We drink hard, we drink like no tomorrow, but we never drink alone. Alcohol always tastes better when shared and it’s the ultimate aid to socialize and meet new people. So with everything you do, always keep that philosophy in mind. We don’t want to make anyone alcoholic, just very very drunk.

Connect to The Lords of the Drinks

Website :

I hope you have enjoyed the funnies today and will share… thanks Sally


Smorgasbord Laughter Lines – Guest Comedian D.G. Kaye and a joke..

Debby Gies has been scouring the Internet for some more funnies to share with you as my guest… D.G. Kaye Writer Blog and I have been delving into the archives for a joke or two.

Thanks to Debby for sharing her foraging on the Internet.. I wonder how she finds time to write her very popular memoirs…

D. G. Kaye – Buy:
Blog: – Goodreads: D.G. Kaye on Goodreads

A recent review for Words We Carry Very insightful read. on September 16, 2018

Once in a while you come across a book that really speaks to you. Reading ‘Words We Carry’ by D. G. Kaye was like having friends over for coffee and revealing our innermost secrets or speaking to your mentor about life and how to make it better. The author, who has natural psychology opened my eyes and made me ponder why I react the way I do to certain things or certain people. I enjoyed author, D.G. Kaye’s writing style––so friendly and warm. This book is well written and is easily one that can change someone’s life. I recommend this book to anyone who ever felt insecure, self-conscious or inadequate. An easy 5 star read.

Now for a joke from the archives

A Moral story.

It was a freezing cold day in the snow-covered steppes of Siberia… A young boy was walking along when he spotted a tiny bird being chased by a fox. The boy picked up the bird, and just then a horse came along and left a large deposit in the road.

The boy scooped out a hole in the deposit and carefully placed the bird in it. It was warm and it poked its head out of the hole and began to sing with joy. But the hungry fox was still lurking nearby and it pounced on the little bird and gobbled it up.

The moral of this story is two-fold. First, it is not always you enemies who drop you in it. And, second, if you are up to your neck in it, keep your mouth shut.

I hope that you have enjoyed today’s funnies and please feel free to share.. thanks again to Debby for her contribution as always.. and if you have favourite jokes or images you would like to share.. send them to or message me on Facebook.

Smorgasbord Blog Magazine – Weekly Round Up – William Price King with Chet Baker – 1990s #Charts – Short stories – Recipes for #Turkey – #Books for #Christmas.

Welcome to the weekly round up and today the sun is shining for the first time in a week.. Cold but bright. And fitting as the Christmas blog and book promotions began this week as I have 160+ authors to promote between now and the big day. Thankfully with Ebooks… you can buy right up to the wire. As so many children’s books are in print… I have shared most of those this week but there will be more to come in the following promotions.

Just a reminder of what is going on, including 12 days of party from December 13th which you are invited to participate in:

As there is quite a bit to get are the posts from the week that you might have missed.

The Music Column with William Price King and the legendary Chet Baker – Trombone – my thanks as always to William for sharing his experiences and knowledge with us.

And the music of 1990 that I still play today.

My response to this week’s Tuesday #Poetry Challenge by Colleen Chesebro #etheree


The first story this weekend is about a man who takes things way too much for granted.. Meet Usher.

Vanessa is a mother who is faced with a life changing dilemma..

My review of Born in a Treacherous Time by Jacqui Murray.

Jacquie Biggar has a new release due out on December 3rd and it is on a special pre-order price until that date.

Children’s books


Something for everyone

The Blogger Daily – on hiatus until after Christmas from this week…. there will however be a special reblog three days a week of fantastic posts.

Leslie Tate, Rachel Poli and Carol Taylor

Paul Andruss, Donata Zawadzka, Carol Taylor and The Story Reading Ape.

A – Z of Common Conditions – Asthma – causes and management.

Swollen Bronchii

It is time that turkey becomes king for Thanksgiving and Christmas… I tell you about the benefits of this healthy lean protein and Carol Taylor whips it into shape for delicious meals.

Thank you for dropping in today and I hope that you will join me again next week… thanks Sally